Young Writers Society

This is a very short start but I'm sure it will give enough explination of what's going on.

"It is almost time for ... The end. The end of the world ... The end of the universe!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.
"You!! My children will be the end!"
The voice echoed through the halls of the sacred tombs and rattled the walls.
"At birth I gave you a gift....and untill now you never new what an important role it plays....in your struggle to end the universe." Two evil glaring eyes formed in the flames. They looked upon their nine demonic ape-like children and stared. "You were born for one reason and one reason only! That is to destroy! Cause havoc , chaos , despair and strike fear in every living thing!"

These nine children were no ordinary children. They were the offspring of the pure evil-hearted being himself.
Their demonic glares stared right back at their fathers eyes. The sound of the flames whiping in the air never allowed the room to fall silent.
"Look around your necks ... each one of you were given a talisman at birth."
The demon children studied their talismans.
They looked upon them with a whole other aspect now that their father told them of their destiny.
"These are the keys to the end of existance."
The talismans started to glow as the eyes looked upon them.
"Each one has given you a very unique power to make you different from oneanother."
"But! Only one of you will be the end of existance....The rest of you will end before it occours."
"You will fight! You will kill! Untill there is only one."

See I told you it was short!!!!!!! What do yall think so far?

TOO MANY DOTS!!! I can see that you wanted a long pause but thats way too many dots in my ohpinion.

Their were a few formating problems in both sections but I'll just use this one as a example since it has the same problems as the other one:

"It is almost time for...............................The end. The end of the world............The end of the universe!!!!!!!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern. "You!!" "My children will be the end!!!!!" The voice echoed through the halls of the sacred tombs and rattled the walls. "At birth I gave you a gift.......and untill now you never new what an important role it plays............in your struggle to end the universe." Two evil glaring eyes formed in the flames. They looked upon their nine children and stared. "You were born for one reason and one reason only!!!!!!!!!!!" That is to destroy!!!! Cause havoc,Chaos,Despair and strike fear in every living thing!!!!!!!!!"

It should look like this:

"It is almost time for.....The end. The end of the world.....The end of the universe!!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.
"You!! My children will be the end!!"
The voice echoed through the halls of the sacred tombs and rattled the walls.
"At birth I gave you a gift....and untill now you never new what an important role it plays....in your struggle to end the universe." Two evil glaring eyes formed in the flames. They looked upon their nine children and stared. "You were born for one reason and one reason only!!!" That is to destroy!!!! Cause havoc, Chaos, Despair and strike fear in every living thing!!!"

Irs much more easy to read like this, their was also alot of unniccisary exclamation points. And their are spaces after commas, like you can see I changed on the last sentence.
I don't know what it was but it seemed a little unclear what exactly was happening. But This was a good beginning. Some of the description like "Two evil glaring eyes formed in the flames. They looked upon their nine children and stared." Good job.

Thanks for the advice if you don't mind I'm going to use the re-written paragraph you did it's a lot better and easier to read.

Thats why I did it, I don't care if you use it. You should try and re-write the second one to like I did the first one.

Yeah thats what I did. Once again thanks very much for the advice.

Welcome. Here is my review.

"It is almost time for...............................The end. The end of the world............The end of the universe!!!!!!!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.

Those periods are an eyesore for the most determined reader, it doesn't thrill me that you use them often. If you want a long pause, use a trick like: "It is almost time for..." the voice paused briefly, "... the end." When you use periods, only use three in a sequence, not thirty. Said should be lower-cased since the sentence continues. I think you should seperate the sentence into two sentences, something like this:

"It is almost time for... the end. The end of the world... the end of the universe!" said a loud booming voice. The voice bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.

Make sure you put a space between the (...) and the letter following it. The (...) doesn't make the next letter capitalized because it is doesn't end a sentence, it simply delays it.

Also, you need to paragraph. This is when you double tap the enter or return key. This creates a space between paragraphs, which makes the writing more visible. On word processors, an indentation is simple enough to indicate a new paragraph, but for online purposes, make it two hits on the enter key (tab doesn't work.) You should also hit the enter key whenever you have a new speaker, or piece of dialogue. For instance.
"Blah," said A.
"Bleah," said B.
"Blem," said C.

Cause havoc,Chaos,Despair and strike fear in every living thing!!!!!!!!!"

There should be a space between the comma and the following letter. Also, chaos and despair should be lower-cased. Finally, use only one exclamation point.

This concludes the grammar portion. Make sure you correct all the mistakes like these.

Time now for the story portion.

Setting

The setting is in a tavern that is in flames. This is a rather odd place to be holding an evil rally. It would be better expected in a cave, which would match well with the dark deed.

Plot

The plot seems to be about the nine evil children who have the keys to the end of the world. They are all given the talismans, which give them special powers, possibly so they can wreak havoc on humanity. If there is a force that is supposed to stop them, it isn't mentioned. So I expect this will be a hack-n-slash slaughter fest. It doesn't seem very appetizing, but the plot may not be fully developed.

Characters

Except for the fact that the narrator says that the father has a deep voice and the children are all evil, not much is done on the characters. The only one we can call a character is the father and his character is a stock character at best. No originality is detected in these characters. They need developing quickly.

Dialogue

The dialogue is simply a speech. It doesn't give me a shiver though, it seems more hysterical. Think of this dialogue and then think of Saruman talking to his army of Orcs. It needs more of a grandeur to it, in my opinion.

Yep, I know it is a rough review. It doesn't get much harder than this though.

Grammar time! Right... so you have some grammar errors/things that just bothered me.

"It is almost time for.....The end.
Only three dots are needed, but this is just one of those things that bothered me. Same goes for all the '...' that you have.

The end of the universe!!"
Again, just bothered me. One exclamation point is fine.

The end of the universe!!" Said a loud booming voice that bursted through the flames as they scorched the ceiling of the tavern.
When someone talks, it's usually:
"Hi!" said Sally.
"Hi," said Sally.
"What's going on?" Sally asked.
There are variations, of course. Sally could have shouted, whispered, etc.
If you follow that rule, your sentence would be:
"...The end of the universe!" said a loud booming voice...
There were some other sentences that were like that also.

"At birth I gave you a gift....and untill now you never new what an important role it plays....in your struggle to end the universe."
This bothered me because there seemed to be excess dots. Instead of dots, you could put in commas. Plus there were some spelling errors... Maybe you could change this to:
"At birth, I gave you a gift, and until now, you never knew what an important role it played in your struggle to end the universe."

"You were born for one reason and one reason only!!!" That is to destroy!!!!
Exclamation points, but also, you ended the quote before your character finished talking. If you have nothing between what is being said in conversation, then don't close the quote!
"You were born for one reason and one reason only! That is to destroy!"

They were the offspring of the pure evil hearted being himself.
evil-hearted
Their demonic glares stared right back at their fathers eyes.
At their father's eyes.

"The nine of you were each given one." "Each one has given you a very unique power to make you different from oneanother."
Your character is still talking. Don't start a new quote/end a quote until he/she is finished talking!
"The nine of you were each given one. Each one has given you a very unique power to make you different from one another."

Okay, enough about grammar. Your story. It was kind of incoherent. I understand that this is the beginning, but you give the reader new ideas before fully introducing everything. For example, you said 'these nine children,' yet you never mentioned nine children before this. You never even mentioned these children, besides through a brief comment by a character. It seemed like these children were just born, by the way the character talks, yet the brief mentioning of these children's actions imply that they are somewhat grown. The descriptions were part-way done; some things were described while other things were merely said.

All in all... I think you should go back and work on this. It was really confusing, though it was straightforward at the same time.

Thanks for the advice my writing skills are not that good quite yet but with every body's help here i'm shure it will progress very fast.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. Also, sure doesn't have an h in it. Also, it seems like you have a run-on sentence, split it up.

Just cause you're not writing stories doesn't mean grammar goes out the window!

So true, Griffin. I think you, emotion_less, and hekate got everything. About your use of periods as a rule, you always use one or three.

Ok I'll remember that.

Many years have passed since the day the demon children have been told of their destiny. One hundred years to be exact but, the demon children do not grow as fast as any mortal. They are now in their mere thirties but that has not stopped them from covering the worlds around them in darkness. Their father told them they were to fight and the war Is about
occur as their father told them.


Two soldiers approached the enormous iron door of a castle. A guard on top of the castle looked down upon them.
"What business do you have here?" The guard yelled with his hands cuped around his mouth.
"We have a peasant who dose not wear the mark!" Said the soldiers as they grabbed the pesant by the hair so his forehead could be seen by the guard.
"Canthor will be furious!" Said the soldiers.
They kicked the pesant down to the rocky ground and started to beat him with iron rods. The guard scratched his chin and cupped his hands over his mouth to speak again.
"Very well you may enter!" At that moment the guard gave the signal to open the gate. The giant doors started to loudly creak as they slowly opened on their rusty hinges.

A musty smell enveloped the soldiers and the peasant as they approached a second door.
Another guard approached the peasant and put a cloth bag over his head and tightened it with a thick rope.
"Your face is not worthy to be seen by Canthor." Said the guard with the bag.
The guard opened the second door wich led to a long hallway full of paintings of one of the demon children ... Canthor.
The painter detailed his ape-like features very well with his lush red fur and his glaring red eyes he was truly a terrifying site to behold.
"Lord Canthor we have a pesant who dose not wear the mark." Said the soldiers as they approached the giant
throne in wich Canthor was seated.
The soldiers kicked the pesant back to the ground.
"What should his punishment be?" The soldier said as he bowed to the ground in the presence of his king.
Canthor let out a big grumble as he looked upon the pesant.
"Why did you bother me with this minor problem!?" Canthor asked the soldiers as he looked at them with enraged glaring eyes.
"Well sir you uh ... ordered that any one who dose not wear the mark is to be shunned and ignored by any merchant"
"Exactly ... and did you ignore him? No!"
Canthor's voice rattled the walls as he yelled at the soldier.
"There was no reason for you to bring him to me.He is to be set free. If he dose not wear the mark then he is going through troubled times already and that is the punishement that I indended for them to have if you kill him now his suffering will end."
The soldier removed the bag from the pesant and nugded him towards the door
then took a bow and headed towards the door as well.
"Oh and one more thing." Canthor said with his head rested on his fist.
The soldier turned around to see what Canthor wanted. With a twang and the sound of the air being split an an arrow plowed through his armor. With his last few moments of life the soldier looked next to canthors throne and saw an archer with a bow still aimed at him. He looked back at canthor
and stared.

"You are going to be seeing my father now and you are going to burn for the rest of eternity." Canthor told him.
The soldier fell to the floor and the loud echo of his armor hitting the ground filled the air. Canthor's talisman still around his neck as it was when he was a child started to glow.
Canthor took a deep breath and sighed.
"I must move on to another world. I am not able to grow anymore when I create chaos... I can not get stronger as long as I am here." A soldier ran into the room with panic in his face.
"Lord Canthor sir... one of your brothers have arrived ... and he has an army much greater than ours."
" So the war has finally begun" Canthor mumbled as he got up off the throne.
"Prepare for battle!"

The first part was very good besides the things that people mentioned above. The only other thing I noticed was here you say:

"Look around your necks ... each one of you were given a talisman at birth."

and then here you say:

"The nine of you were each given one."

It might just be me, but you seem to repeat yourself here and it. I suggest you take out the second one and just start with: "Each talisman has given you a very unique power...etc" because with both of the lines above, it sounds redundant.

Now, for the second part:

Firstly, you say "Two soldiers approached the giant iron door of a castle". This is good, but I suggest you change 'giant' to 'enormous' or 'great' so we get a more clear picture. This is probably just my nitpick for certain words, but it might sound good.

A guard on top of the castle looked down apon them.

I think you mean 'upon' them

"What business do you have here?"
The guard yelled with his hands cuped around his mouth.

You don't need to change paragraphs here because the guard yelled 'what business do you have here?' It should be:
"What business do you have here?" the guard yelled with his hands cupped (not cuped) around his mouth

"We have a pesant who dose not wear the mark!" Said the soldiers as they grabbed the pesant by the hair so his forehead can be seen by the guard.

Firstly, peasant is spelled wrong. I think you mean 'does' instead of 'dose' also. I also think that 'can' should be 'could' so it says 'so his forehead could be seen by the guard.'

"Canthor will be furious!"
Said the soldiers. They kicked the pesant (peasant, you mean) down to the rocky ground and started to beat him with iron rods. The guard scratched his chin and cupped his hands over his mouth to speak again.
"Very well you may enter!" At that moment the guard gave the signal to open the gate. The giant doors started to creek (should be creak) as they slowly opened.

Again, the soldiers are saying 'Canthor will be furious' so you don't need to change paragraphs. I liked your description of the ground as 'rocky'. It paints a picture for me. On 'Very well you may enter' you need a comma after 'Very well'. I suggest you omit the 'started to' before creak and just say 'The doors creaked as they slowly opened'. I also like your word creak, but I suggest you add more detail to it. Perhaps say 'the giant doors creaked as they slowly opened on rusty hinges' or something like that to subtly explain why they are creaking or some thing like that. Other than that, I liked that part.

A musty smell enveloped the soldiers and the pesant as they approached a second door.
Another guard approached the pesant and put a cloth bag over his head and tightened it with a thick rope.

I loved your line 'a musy smell enveloped the soldiers'. That was great. Besides your mispelling of peasant, I really liked this part as well

"Your face is not worthy to be seen by Canthor." Said the guard with the bag.
The guard oppened the second door wich led to a long hallway full of paintings of one of the demon children ... Canthor.

oppened should be opened. I like your detail of the hallway

The painter detailed his ape like features very well with his lush red fur and his glaring red eyes he was truly a terrifying site to behold.
"Lord Canthor we have a pesant (peasant) who dose (does) not wear the mark." Said the soldiers as they approached the giant
throne in wich Canthor was seated.
The soldiers kicked the pesant (peasant) back to the ground.
" What should his punishment be?" The soldier said as he bowed to the ground in the presence of his king.

I think ape like should be ape-like but I am not sure. wich should be which.

Canthor let out a big grumble as he looked apon (upon) the pesant (peasant).
"Why did you bother me with this minor problem!?" Canthor asked the soldiers as he looked at them with enraged glaring eyes.
"Well sir you uh ... ordered that any one who dose (does) not wear the mark is to be shunned and ignored by any merchant"
"Exactly ... and did you ignore him? No!"
Canthor's voice rattled the walls as he yelled at the soldier.

I like your word 'enraged'. Again, do not change paragraphs on the last part. I like the rattling of the walls though.

"There was no reason for you to bring him to me.He is to be set free. If he dose (does) not wear the mark then he is going through troubled times already and that is the punishement that I indended for them to have."
The soldier removed the bag from the pesant (peasant) and nugded him towards the door.
The soldier took a bow and headed towards the door as well.
"Oh and one more thing." Cantor said with his head rested on his fist.
The soldier turned around to see what cantor wanted. With a twang and the sound of the air being split an an arrow plowed through his armor. With the last few moments of life the soldier had he looked next to canthors throne and saw an archer with a bow still aimed at him. He looked back at canthor
and stared.

You repeat 'the soldier'. You could say 'The soldier removed the bag from the peasant and nudged him towards the door. He then took a bow and headed towards the door as well' this would flow more. Comma after 'Oh'. cantor? I think you mean Cantor. You forgot the capitalize Canthor the last two times

"You are going to be seeing my father now and you are going to burn for the rest of eternity." Canthor told him.
The soldier fell to the floor and the loud echo of his armor hitting the ground filled the air. Canthor's talisman still around his neck as it was when he was a child started to glow.
Canthor took a deep breath and sighed.
"I must move on to another world I am not able to grow anymore when I create chaos. I can not get stronger as long as I am here." A soldier ran into the room with panic in his face.
"Lord Canthor sir one of your brothers have arrived ... and he has an army much greater than ours."
" So the war has finally begun" Canthor mumbled as he got up off the throne.
"Prepare for battle!"

*shudders* scary dialogue for Canthor but fitting
I like your acknowledgement that armor makes a lot of sound when hitting ground. Very intriguing end.. good job

Despite my criticism, I really liked this. I was bothered by the lack of grammatical and spelling accuracy, but that is my pet peeve. Good Job... please keep writing. I want to read more.

Thanks for the advice i will get to work right now.

I'm confused, is the second part up there sopposed to go before part 2 that you posted?
its hard to keep up with stories that you post on the same page.