Young Writers Society

My good sir, from whence I first envisaged instigating such a correspondence, it was not in such an unfortunate position of belligerent strife that my kinsmen and I find ourselves forced into, nor was it assumed that the time scale of my letter-writing would be so drastically shortened so that it is in a state of expeditiousness; the normally necessary (but perhaps trivial) pleasantries have been dispensed with as you are probably acutely aware, but let me apologise regretfully and remind your highness that the oft-forgotten respect that roots itself in such long-winded titles stands true without their presence, and that, although they have been removed, this matter is of upmost importance and it would do us infinite favour to grant us a moment of your valuable time.

Melodramatic as it might appear, perhaps some form of evidence is in order to provide a realisation of the sheer gravity of the situation – right now, as I take hesitant glance out of the window, there is a burning fire reminiscent of Hell’s everlasting inferno, stripping the elegant gardens of their decoration, leaving nought but great of rising malignant smoke; I jerk my neck back fearfully, avoiding the sharpshooters distributing death like the Bringer himself. Perhaps you have heard the famous statement made by the philosopher Vardes -“The King commands, the Mob rules.” It is particularly relevant right here. They cry for food, we can give them none, for we have none. They cry for an end to the slaughter, we cannot, for we have no troops to end it. They yearn for things we cannot give, and they attack us for it. That is the nature of government, I fear. Would it be pseudo-prophetic to suggest that all institutions at one time fall without chance? That great leaders have great irrevocable decisions to make, and it is these which make them last just a little bit longer before they are eaten by the monster they strive to serve?

I do not dare to question your judgement, for it is has been proved time upon time to be proper, and who but the Almighty can honestly believe they have the knowledge and superiority to question a man besides?

All I require, no, all I need, is for you to send troops to relieve the siege of our capital, the centuries old city of Archida, and bring order to the principalities. A temporary peace with our cantankerous neighbours, the Grenlish, is possible as a long-term aim. I ask, nay, I beg, for the strength of your great country to show its long arms and squash this momentary war. For, if you allow me to be poetic, what powerful man can claim to be human if he is someone who does not use his power for the greater good?

As this author pauses to refill his quill with midnight blue ink and proceeds, nine hundred and fifty-six years have stood between this lesser action and that fateful late summer day when my forefathers finally united the clans and formed the independent nation of Archland. Almost a millennia peace has prospered, stood against the sea of blood, would you let it crumble on a whim?

My time is cut cruelly short.

Most respectfully,

His Majesty’s Secretary and Acting Chief Advisor, Sir Charles Obbard OAE.

Postscriptum – I do not wait on a reply, except if that desired reply takes the literal form on hundreds of soldiers, for such a sight would be worth a thousand words.

Note: Since in this you have much in common with Mr. Long-Winded Sentence, aka Thomas Jefferson, I've decided to read it as such...

'They cry for food, we can give them none, for we have none. They cry for an end to the slaughter, we cannot, for we have no troops to end it.'

You've nailed the language perfectly up till here. A bit clunky, may we say?

Change to: 'They cry for food, we can give them none, for we have naught. They plead for an end to the slaughter, but we can do nothing, for we have no troops to conclude such.'

[Yeah, okay, I admit the last few words were a bit of a stretch, but try not to use the same phrase twice in a sentence.]

That was pretty much the only bit I had trouble with. Other than that, it's brilliant.

I was modelling Sir Walter Scott more, he is an expert in long-winded sentences too.

WOW, now you mention it, Sir. Walter Scott does come to mind, most of his sentances last at least 4 lines, you have got some nice long sentaces in there, and it flows really well once you get into the language, the first sentance i had to read again 'cos i thought i was mistaken. Sam caught my point about that one line, it sticks out, it's not in style with the rest of the letter. But wow, you've got the langauge, you got a decent story line, cant wait to hear more

I hate it. But then again, what do you expect from someone who likes very short sentences that are brief and to the point? These kind of pieces are really really fun to write, and it's even better when you have a character that actually speaks like that.

Even so... the story does prove to be interesting.

There was only one sentence that I didn't quite like.

Melodramatic as it might appear, perhaps some form of evidence is in order to provide a realisation of the sheer gravity of the situation – right now, as I take hesitant glance out of the window, there is a burning fire reminiscent of Hell’s everlasting inferno, stripping the elegant gardens of their decoration, leaving nought but great of rising malignant smoke; I jerk my neck back fearfully, avoiding the sharpshooters distributing death like the Bringer himself.

The part in red is the most awkward, probably because it says "jerk" in present tense.

*grinns* yay! you posted it!

ok, the only thing that really stood out as.. off (I currently lack the mental skills to conjure the correct term, so this is the best I can do), was "pseudo-prophetic" and "would you let it crumble on a whim?"

also, the post script sounds a bit awkward, but I think that stems from the "on"..

(ok, I'm back)

"Perhaps you have heard the famous statement made by the philosopher Vardes -“The King commands, the Mob rules.” It is particularly relevant right here. They cry for food, we can give them none, for we have none."
first part is alright, the second sentence seems too short in context with the rest (especially with the "right" when I read it..), and could possibly be combined, depending on what effect you want here. the last part sounds redundant, and if that's what you want, good, if not, it doesn't work well. it sounds.. not simpler, but not as highly worded as other parts. basically, it works, but it doesn't feel quite right in context.

other than that (I'll be back later when I'm not quite so sleep deprived) nice and kiss-up-ish. quite wordy, and it fits perfectly.

Now.. I'll repeat what I've said before.. more?

I like the pompous style of your bureaucrat, it was kind of fun to read.

Hmm. This passes my prologue axe because it is a letter. Which is kind of third person, though it kind of isn't. Very good.