Young Writers Society

A/N: Greetings all, I bring forth this short story. As of yet, it is still untitled, because coming up with titles is my bane. ^^; I wrote this about two years ago, and I am currently in the process of editing it. It's only two chapters long, maybe more, since I want to delve deeper into the characters' relationship.

Constructive critism is greatly appreciated.
-


"The Feikan are a tribe of half-men, half-wildcats. They are known for being extremely violent and unpredictable; their agressive nature rivaled only by their cruelty. There were few differences appearance-wise between them and humans. The only foolproof difference was the Feikan's eyes. Theirs are a piercing golden color."

Chapter 1 ::
The night was still; the crisp autumn air felt brisk and cool. Miko stepped into the tavern, wincing as the noise assailed her sensitive elven ears. Her lips curled into a disdainful scowl as she took in the state of the place. The floors, the walls, the tables were all dirty; the air smelled of sweat, beer and rotten food. Eager for her trip here to be over with, she slipped through the crowd quickly, her nose wrinkling in digust as her eyes wandered over the crowd of drunk men. She hated coming to these places, but it was the only place where she could find a mercenary to hire with little to no delay.

Miko made it to the counter and perched herself on the edge of a stool. The bartender noticed her immediately and came over, wiping a mug with a piece of a worn rag. He surveyed her warily, taking in her pointed ears and, more importantly, the runes on her face marking her as a mage. So, what ll it be? he finally questioned, his voice hostile. Strangers weren t appreciated in this town.

His question was waved away carelessly. ­"Where can I find myself a mercenary?" she demanded, her tone aloof.

Before the barkeep could reply, a quiet voice interrupted, "I m looking for work."

Both the elf and the barkeeper turned to the source. A boy, looking to be in his late teens, was seated at the far end of the counter, staring intendly into his cup. His dark bangs fell into his face, making it hard for Miko to make out his features. She studied him with more than a bit of suspicion. His lanky build and nonchalant way of sitting did not speak of a trained weapon.

Perhaps sensing her skepticism, he got up and unsheathed his sword with the practiced ease of a seasoned fighter.

Silence seemed to befall the previously loud and boisterous crowd of the tavern; a weapon had been unsheathed. Behind the counter, the bartender seemed to have tensed. The whole room was watching.

"So, what do you say?" he prompted quietly.

Silently, Miko appraised the blade he was holding. Even in the dim light of the tavern, she could tell it was a finely crafted weapon, engraved with runes repelling spells and magical attacks. Moreover, she could tell he was a good swordsman, from his intuitive way of guessing others intentions, the easy grace with which he twirled the sword.

"Alright," she conceded, her tone brisk and business-like. "What is your name?"

He sheathed his sword and it seemed, to those in room, as if it were easier to breath. Without so much as a glance at her, he tossed a coin into his mug, and answered, "Akai."

Miko nodded, slightly offended that he wouldn't even look at her. "My name is Miko. I am headed for the city of Lanthur,-"

"On the other side of the forest of Silence," Akai completed, a note of understanding in his voice.

Again, Miko found herself nodding to his words.

He brushed past her, heading for the door, without looking at her. "Let's go then," he said, "It will be a few days walk from here."

Miko turned around to stare at Akai s retreating back. His swordplay was good, but his attitude left much to be desired. It took her a few moments to get over her indignation, before she hurried after him, her lips twisted into an irritated scowl.

She was well aware of the forest of Silence s location.

[EDIT] I fixed that embarrassing 'working' typo. Thanks to Nate. ^^;

[EDIT 2] Fixed indignation typo, thanks Cacophony ^^

The way you open the story is excellent; there was so much visual imagery, and so much reaction from the character that I was able to manifest the scene and the character right away. You get a feel for the place, as well as for the personality of Miko.

The dialogue too sounds very natural, and I love the character's reactions after each bit. However, it goes by too fast. I found myself wishing you had delved a bit more into the story, but that's also a very good thing.

Only one minor problem I found:
I m looking for working.
Should change 'working' to 'work.'

Overall, flesh it out a bit more. I know that's vague, but the story needs to slow down for right now rather than jumping straight into it. Give the reader more time to savor the scene.

I'm looking forward to the next installment!

Got yours done too... But like Sammy, I need to transpose yours into words. I'll do yours next, as Sammy has a long story to edit. I save the longest for last. *sigh* Fluuu!

-Z

I really liked reading this, especially enjoying the first paragraph.

Perhaps this opening part is a bit pacey? I'd like to see a bit more put in here, unless it was meaningfully fast.

I also spotted a typo

t took her a few moments to get over her idignation

'idignation' should be 'indignation'.

Otherwise, really cool, can't wait for the next part.

I like this. I can't wait to see where you take it .

iced.cappuchino wrote:["The Feikan are a tribe of half-men, half-wildcats. They are known for being extremely violent and unpredictable; their agressive nature rivaled only by their cruelty. There were few differences appearance-wise between them and humans. The only foolproof difference was the Feikan's eyes. Theirs are a piercing golden color."

Interesting quote. I like how it sets the tone for the rest of the story. I'm curious though, where does it come from? I think it might be nice if you gave it a source .

The floors, the walls, the tables were all dirty; the air smelled of sweat, beer and rotten food.

Eww...this does not sound like a place I'd want to eat at. I like how you described the smell - it helps build atmosphere. I think a more visual description would add to it, but it's probably not that important to the overall story.

Miko made it to the counter and perched herself on the edge of a stool. The bartender noticed her immediately and came over, wiping a mug with a piece of a worn rag. He surveyed her warily, taking in her pointed ears and, more importantly, the runes on her face marking her as a mage. So, what ll it be? he finally questioned, his voice hostile. Strangers weren t appreciated in this town.

Heh, I think the bartender might need lessons in customer service. Is he going to have a larger role later on? Anyway, I like how gave him a personality.

Before the barkeep could reply, a quiet voice interrupted, I m looking for work.

Both the elf and the barkeeper turned to the source. A boy, looking to be in his late teens, was seated at the far end of the counter, staring intendly into his cup. His dark bangs fell into his face, making it hard for Miko to make out his features. She studied him with more than a bit of suspicion. His lanky build and nonchalant way of sitting did not speak of a trained weapon.

Appearences can be deceiving, I guess. I like how you introduce him.

Silence seemed to befall the previously loud and boisterous crowd of the tavern; a weapon had been unsheathed.

I think this sentence might be stronger if it read "Silence befell" instead.

Silently, Miko appraised the blade he was holding. Even in the dim light of the tavern, she could tell it was a finely crafted weapon, engraved with runes repelling spells and magical attacks. Moreover, she could tell he was a good swordsman, from his intuitive way of guessing others intentions, the easy grace with which he twirled the sword.

Always beware the kid with the really pointy stick . This might be just me, but I think it would be more interesting if she only knew that the sword was magical instead of knowing that could repelll magic. Perhaps it would be better if she only finds out when his sword saves her rear end.

On the other side of the forest of Silence, Akai completed, a note of understanding in his voice.

The forest of silence, huh? Sounds dark and ominous . Umm, I'm not sure but I think 'the forest of Silence' should be either 'the Forest of Silence' or 'the forest of silence'...just a nitpick.

Anyway, this is pretty good. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I like how you develop the characters quickly. Akai seems like a bit of a know it all, but a likeable one. I'm look forward to reading more.

Nate wrote:The way you open the story is excellent; there was so much visual imagery, and so much reaction from the character that I was able to manifest the scene and the character right away. You get a feel for the place, as well as for the personality of Miko.

The dialogue too sounds very natural, and I love the character's reactions after each bit. However, it goes by too fast. I found myself wishing you had delved a bit more into the story, but that's also a very good thing.

Only one minor problem I found:
I m looking for working.
Should change 'working' to 'work.'

Overall, flesh it out a bit more. I know that's vague, but the story needs to slow down for right now rather than jumping straight into it. Give the reader more time to savor the scene.

Thank you for your comments. ^^ It's quite possible I neglected to describe in more detail the scenery and the atmosphere. I remember writing this on a whim, eager to get to the better part of the story (it happens to me quite often; setting up the scene and backstories are my bane).

I'll try to fix this in the second chapter, so it'll take some time; it's even shorter than this one, so I think adding a little detail is required. ^^;

Firestarter wrote:I really liked reading this, especially enjoying the first paragraph.

Perhaps this opening part is a bit pacey? I'd like to see a bit more put in here, unless it was meaningfully fast.

I also spotted a typo

'idignation' should be 'indignation'.

Otherwise, really cool, can't wait for the next part.

Heh, thanks for pointing that out. ^^; I thought I had screened all the typos, but apparently not. I'll edit the post right away.

And the fast pacing. ^^; I don't think it was intentional. Well, maybe. The story was first handwritten, and I might've been slightly rushing it. Also, paragraphes tend to look bigger handwritten, so I have a tendancy to write less, or skip the descriptions. Heh.

I'll try adding more to the secon chapter, then come back to edit the first chapter. ^^

Cacophony wrote:I like this. I can't wait to see where you take it .

[quoted text]

Interesting quote. I like how it sets the tone for the rest of the story. I'm curious though, where does it come from? I think it might be nice if you gave it a source .

Why, thank you ^^ I'm glad you like it, I'll try to make the next chapter as good (or better, I could hope) as this one.

As for the quote, well, I made it up, as a sort of summary/prologue kind of thing. Hehe^^ should I be flattered that I got it from an outside source?

Cacophony wrote:Eww...this does not sound like a place I'd want to eat at. I like how you described the smell - it helps build atmosphere. I think a more visual description would add to it, but it's probably not that important to the overall story.

Heh, I think the bartender might need lessons in customer service. Is he going to have a larger role later on? Anyway, I like how gave him a personality.

^^

Cacophony wrote:

Before the barkeep could reply, a quiet voice interrupted, I m looking for work.

Both the elf and the barkeeper turned to the source. A boy, looking to be in his late teens, was seated at the far end of the counter, staring intendly into his cup. His dark bangs fell into his face, making it hard for Miko to make out his features. She studied him with more than a bit of suspicion. His lanky build and nonchalant way of sitting did not speak of a trained weapon.

Appearences can be deceiving, I guess. I like how you introduce him.

Heehee, I'm glad you do. ^^ I was afraid the overhearing-conversation-and-interrupt thing would be too clichi.

Cacophony wrote:

Silence seemed to befall the previously loud and boisterous crowd of the tavern; a weapon had been unsheathed.

I think this sentence might be stronger if it read "Silence befell" instead.

To be honest, I think it would too. Thank you for pointing that out. ^^ Passive sentences like me a little too much, I guess. xD

Cacophony wrote:

Silently, Miko appraised the blade he was holding. Even in the dim light of the tavern, she could tell it was a finely crafted weapon, engraved with runes repelling spells and magical attacks. Moreover, she could tell he was a good swordsman, from his intuitive way of guessing others intentions, the easy grace with which he twirled the sword.

Always beware the kid with the really pointy stick . This might be just me, but I think it would be more interesting if she only knew that the sword was magical instead of knowing that could repelll magic. Perhaps it would be better if she only finds out when his sword saves her rear end.

To be honest, I wasn't sure whether to add that now or later either. But seeing as I was aiming for this to be a short story, I just stick it in there and told myself I could edit it out later.

I'll definitely keep your advice in mind when I flesh out the details in the second chapter though. ^^

Cacophony wrote:

On the other side of the forest of Silence, Akai completed, a note of understanding in his voice.

The forest of silence, huh? Sounds dark and ominous . Umm, I'm not sure but I think 'the forest of Silence' should be either 'the Forest of Silence' or 'the forest of silence'...just a nitpick.

Anyway, this is pretty good. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I like how you develop the characters quickly. Akai seems like a bit of a know it all, but a likeable one. I'm look forward to reading more.

Yep, Akai is a know-it-all. ^^ Rather snobby, not unlike Miko. I was also puzzling over the "Forest of Silence" thing. I wasn't sure what to capitalize. ^^; Thanks for the nit-picking, it's appreciated. XD

And the Forest of Silence is definitely clichi material.

Thanks for the critiques and advice everyone, it's mucho apreciated ^^

I agree, it's a little too fast paced, the characters are too eager to get out of the bar. I'd suggest they aught to stay for a while, describe the inhabitants, perhaps partially the reason she wants a mercenary. You should certainly consider placing a little more detail into the Akai before they leave the inn, that would slow things down a bit.

But interesting start, the position you left the story in allows it many ways to develop.

i actualy beleive this to be paced perfectaly, because the elven woman wanted to leave asap so why not leave asap, it was very discriptive, and the dialouge was wellpaced and well written it would be very nice if you continued to write this story. this is a very fine peice of work you have to start with, i am looking forward to reading more about this elven maiden and her travels with the sword weilding mercenary boy, how old is he or is that info for just another time

I think it's a bit abrupt when Akai just gets up and walks out. I wonder whether they should discuss a price for his services - perhaps making Akai more haughty (he comes across to me as being arrogant), as if he was recruiting Miko, rather than the other way around.

I liked the way you described the tavern, and Miko's reaction to it.

I definetly enjoyed it. Am I wrong or is Akai one pf the feikan? If so, that just seeed a little obvious, thought I should mention it.