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Ellima and the Cerulean Crystal #Chapter One (Part one)



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Sun Apr 13, 2008 4:00 pm
Swottielottie says...



Some of you may remember that I posted the first chapter of this last year, I think, but this is the new and improved version! I'm almost done with chapter two so it should be up soon.
I thank you for your help in advance!

Chapter One
Crowns and Frowns


“The Crystal shall hold his Soul forever. A due punishment, my child!”

Excruciating pain filled her body as Ellima heard these words. She called out, screaming as the walls closed around her. She saw the cruel face of the dark sorcerer, forever laughing, as she was pushed into the darkness--

“Miss Ellima, Miss Ellima, wake up!” whispered a soft voice.
“Oh.” Ellima groaned, wiping her sweaty forehead.
She slowly opened her eyes and saw the familiar face of an old lady, adjusting her thick spectacles. It was her maid, Josephine, who had cared for her since birth.
“Here you go, love.” said Josephine, handing Ellima a cloth. ”Did ya’ave another one of those dreams, your majesty? Heard you calling out, I did.”
“Was I? Oh… I’m sorry.”
“Think nothing of it, my dear. Would ya’ like me to fetch some fresh orange juice? Or perhaps I should call your mother?”
“No, I’m fine. But thank you anyway, I do appreciate it.”
“O‘ course, miss. But I‘ll get ya‘ that juice anyway.” called Josephine with a smile. “And remember, its your sister’s crowning today, love…”
Ellima returned the smile and watched as Josephince scuttled off, her shoes clacking on the marble floor.
She crawled out of her bed and raked her hands through her hair. She hated those dreams. Each night she would hear the same scream, same words, again and again. She had often pondered over the dream’s meaning, even consulted a book of dream interpretation from the library. But the book told her nothing about dark sorcery or souls. It only contained meanings for the most prissy kind of dreams, such as weddings and walking in the garden. But then again, dark magic wasn’t the sort of thing that princesses should be dreaming of.
‘Sugar plums and pretty flowers’ as her mother would say, ‘are the only things that should cross a young lady’s mind.’ Her mother was always going on about etiquette and the ‘proper’ thing to do in any situation. Ivy, her sister, always scored top marks on etiquette. And every other subject that she was tested in. Ellima however, didn’t know her curtseys from her embroidered curtains. And she wasn’t too bothered about the difference either, which aggravated her professors. She and her sister would be taken to the prestigious university of Queen Aimia twice a week to take lessons from royal advisors, professors of etiquette and dancers. In other words, Ellima fell asleep on her desk every Monday and Thursday. Ivy loved their trips as she found more chances to show off and discredit her sister. Ellima, however, would rather have had her toenails pulled off than sit through a lesson with Ivy.
Now Ivy had finished her advanced princess course, she was to be presented with an elegant crown and given a full royal title. Ellima was classed as an underachiever because she simply would not learn embroidery or dancing. She had more important things on her mind. Why did she have such horrid dreams, such nightmares? Why was her country in such a terrible state? Her world was definitely not a safe place. Poverty and sickness ruled in many places but her parents did nothing. How could she let people die or the servants be treated so horribly? She couldn‘t fix all that by herself or look after every sick child, could she? However, there was someone she looked after…
Ellima found her dressing gown, slipped it on and slowly crept out of her room. Remembering that Josephine had gone to fetch her a drink, she tiptoed back into her room and placed a small shell from her dressing table drawer onto her bed, a message that she had left her quarters, but would be back soon. Her and Josephine had their own silent system for these matters, so that Ellima could sneak out of the palace occasionally, without her mother knowing.
The halls were, thankfully, empty, so she ran across the floor. Ellima vaulted down the main staircase, dashed past the servants quarters and burst out of the main doors. Checking there was no one about, she slunk around the outside walls towards the main gardens. Ellima walked past the main entrance and ducked underneath the branches of the willow tree. She carried on, past the exotic plants, vegetable patches and well stocked ponds until she reached the very end of the royal gardens. This was her favourite place. The very edge of the palace grounds, where nobody ever came.
A very tall wall had been built the entire way round the palace gardens for privacy but the back gardens had been neglected for a long time. Thick vines of ivy had grown all over the walls and the tops of un-pruned tree’s peeked out over the wall. She quickly took out a small iron key and tapped along the bottom of the wall under the ivy until she found the hollow spot. Feeling for the doorknob, she slotted the key into the keyhole. With a creak, the door swung open, revealing the garden within. Ellima smiled as she saw the familiar trees and the enormous aviary. She closed the door firmly behind her and ran joyfully over to the aviary.
“Ario! Ario!”
A tiny robin hopped over to her and chirped through the cage.
“I expect you’d like to come out eh, Ario?”
The robin chirped noisily back in agreement.
Ellima smiled and opened the latch.
Ario flew out at once and landed on Ellima’s shoulder. She took a handful of seed from her pocket and placed it on a branch.
“Don’t go too far. Someone might see you!”
Ario took no notice and pecked happily at the seeds, jumping around excitedly.
“Go on then, but don’t leave the garden!”
Ario seemed to understand, as he flew higher up the tree and all around the garden. Ellima sighed. She hated to lock him up in that horrible cage, but it was the only way to keep him safe. Left out in the garden, he could be found by the guards or eaten by creatures from the enchanted forests. At least in the cage he was out of harm’s way.
“Ario! Come here for a minute.”
He chirped and flew back down onto her shoulder, almost looking puzzled.
“I’ve got a treat for you.” whispered Ellima, taking out a pouch from her pocket.
“I know you’ve been getting bored of seeds so… Here.”
She held out a handful of honey-coated moonbeams. They were shaped like icicles and shone faintly in her hand. Ario ate them quickly and then nuzzled into Ellima’s hand. She stroked his little head, smiling to herself. Ellima knew he would love them. Most animals did, but for some reason, they were poisonous to fairies. Ironically enough, fairies were the only creatures able to collect moon beams, so whatever they caught, they sold on to humans.
“Still hungry?”
Ario looked into her eyes knowingly.
“No?”
Ario had gone quiet. He flew off her shoulder and began cheeping softly.
“What is it?”
Suddenly, there was a loud piercing caw. A huge black raven soared past Ellima and rammed into Ario. It turned sharply and flew at Ellima. She ducked and grabbed a thick branch off the ground. The raven circled the tree and then flew at her. With one swing, Ellima knocked the raven out of the air. It landed with a thump on the floor.
“Ario… Ario!?”
She bent down and scooped him up. He lay completely still. Ellima bit her lip and put her ear to his chest. A faint heartbeat murmured. She held him to her chest and dashed quickly over to where the raven had landed. It was certainly dead. She hadn’t meant to kill it, but it had attacked her after all. Ellima went to pick it up but as soon as her skin touched its feathers, a hissing noise came from it. The raven was burning. Thin wisps of smoke came from its beak and suddenly it completely disintegrated. All that was left was one small black feather. Ellima gasped and quickly pocketed the feather.
What on earth was going on?, she thought to herself, dashing out of the garden. She didn’t think it was a good idea to stick around, not if ravens were going to burn from her touch.
Ellima ran past the back of the palace with Ario clutched to her chest, edged around the front entrance and sidled back into her room. It was messy as usual, books strewn over the floor, cupboards bulging with paper, boxes and more books in an attempt to keep it tidy. She saw the glass of orange juice sitting on a silver tray on her bed and noticed the small white cloth underneath the glass. That was the signal that Josephine had been called away and could not prevent her mother or sister from barging in on her.
That was the last thing she needed.
Ellima quietly closed the door and turned the key in the lock. Ario chirped wearily from her chest. He was still alive! Ellima smiled and took him over to her dressing table.Her dressing table was littered with quills, parchment and an array of magical objects, ranging from self playing sheet music to a floating paperweight. She sighed and pushed the items to one side, so Ario had a empty place to lie down. He lay silently for a few seconds. Suddenly, Ario chirped and flapped his tiny wings.
“What’s wrong?”
He didn’t reply. Ellima sighed and turned to rummage in the drawer below her. Where was silly thing? She carried on searching through the junk.
“Aha!”
Ellima grinned at the purple vial and the shining liquid inside. Dragonflyjuice. The strongest tonic in nature. Ellima always kept some handy, just in case.
She turned back to Ario, relief slowly washing over her. Ario chirped loudly.
“Ellima!” called Ivy, knocking at the door “What’s that noise?”
“Oh, go away.” she held Ario gently. “Go away, I’m busy!”
“You’re up to something. Let me in! Was that a bird call I heard?”
Ellima ignored her and took Ario over to the window. “Come on.” she whispered. “You’ll be fine… Stay still. Hold on. Just swallow this.”
Ivy banged on the door again.
“Tell me, or I’ll get mother!”
“Please, just leave me alone. I’m busy.”
“Hurry up then! I need you to see something. Daddy got me something wonderful.”
“Ivy. I don’t care, go bother one of your maids.” she shouted, cradling the bird in her arms.
“You’re ignoring me! Queen’s don’t get ignored and I’m going to be queen soon. Now open up!” Ivy wailed and whined, banging on the door. “You think you’re so great just because you can play a little piano! Well, princes have queued up just or a small glimpse of me! But they don‘t want to see a plain girl like you.”
Ellima shook her head and tried to stop herself from running outside and screaming at Ivy. Why was she being like this? Arguing and screaming for something so trivial…
“Yes, yes, you’re the prettiest girl in the world, we all know that. Now can you leave me alone, please?”
“No! Why are you being so secretive. I’m calling mother now, on the glass crown! I know you‘re doing something naughty in there.”
“Wait! I’m just getting dressed. Don’t call mother!”
“You’re lying! And to your own sister. I’m calling Mother!”
Ellima gasped and felt the little glass locket hanging around her neck vibrate.
Her mother would be here in seconds, thanks to the enchantment cast on the necklaces.There was small bang outside and purple smoke billowed under the door into Ellima’s room.
“Ellima? What’s going on in there?” called a voice. It was her mother, Leilanai.
“Nothing. I’m just feeling a little tired. “ she lied, holding the little bird close to her chest. How was she going to hide Ario?
“Don’t lie to me, Madam. You’ve got something in there!”
Ellima rolled her eyes and carefully replaced the silver lid back onto the vial. Ario immediately perked up and tweeted loudly.
“You have three seconds to open this door. Don’t make me use a charm!”
She pulled her small window open and let Ario hop onto the sill. She shooed him outside and waved as he flew back into the air. Thank goodness he had survived.
“Three, two, one!” BOOM! The door leapt off its hinges and fell onto the floor with a crash. Her mother, Leilanai stood in the doorway with Ivy. The queen held her wand gracefully, frowning slightly as she placed it back into her pocket. Ellima felt it was extremely unfair that she was allowed to use magic and Ellima wasn’t even allowed to make a wand.
“What's the emergency, Ivy. Could you have been mistaken? I made the glass crown for emergencies only, not to tell tales on one another.”
“NO, MOTHER! I mean- no mother, I heard something, something strange.” Ivy stomped her tiny feet. “I heard something in here.”
Ellima bit her lip again.
“I think you’re hearing things, must be the stress of your coronation.”
Leilanai nodded calmly, sticking her nose into the air.
“Hmm… I suppose we must prepare for the coronation. Ivy, go and have breakfast. Ellima, get your gown on. Time is of the essence.”
Leilanai said her farewells and left, taking Ivy with her.
Ellima felt sick. Sick with her annoying sister. Ever since Ellima was born, it was all ‘Ivy it so great, look at her, who cares about Ellima!’ Ivy had ruined everything. At Ellima’s first birthday party, Ivy had ‘accidentally’ tipped over her handcrafted birthday cake and trampled all over, it until it was reduced to a blue, squishy lump. She had poisoned Ellima’s best friend against her and tampered with her school project so it fell to pieces when she had presented it to her Professor of Alternative Magic. Ellima had always hated her perfect sister but she had no idea of how to stop her being so conceited. As she stared into her mirror, she had a sudden thought. What would give Ivy a scare? What would get her into a mound of trouble?
“She loves getting attention and showing off…” thought Ellima “So maybe if I can embarrass her on stage…. There must be some way I can make her slip up.”

(Continues with part two)
Last edited by Swottielottie on Mon Aug 04, 2008 1:09 pm, edited 7 times in total.
  





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Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:20 pm
Teague says...



**MOVED to Fantasy Fiction**

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Sat May 24, 2008 11:08 pm
onceuponatim3xo says...



This EXTREMELY long! If you separated it into two parts, I can guarantee you that you'll get more crits. I read a little bit of it and it and I can tell you that the dialogue is excellent, but the length of your story just turned me away.
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Sun May 25, 2008 5:25 pm
Swottielottie says...



Well, thanks for taking the time to read some of it. I'm glad you liked the dialogue, as I thought that it was my weakest point in writing.
I'll try and put it into two parts soon.
  





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Sun May 25, 2008 6:07 pm
Esmé says...



Swottielottie,

I do love your avatar, you know? Or, if you didn’t, you now do. But, onward with your critique.


Quote:
She saw the cruel face of the dark sorcerer…. Forever laughing…

I’d merge that into one. Really. Eclipse - three dots.


Quote:
“Here you go love.” said maid Josephine, handing Ellima a cloth.

“Here you go love,” said maid, Josephine, handing Ellima a cloth.


Quote:
But I‘ll get ya‘ that juice anyway.”called Josephine, scuttling off.

But I‘ll get ya‘ that juice anyway,: called Josephine, scuttling off.


Quote:
No. I’m fine really, Josephine but thanks anyway.

Doesn’t strike me - the thanks, anyway (comma!) - as something a princess would say.


Quote:
. Each night she would hear the same scream, same words, again and again.

. Each night she would hear the same scream and the same words, again and again.


Quote:
‘Sugar plums and pretty flowers’ as her mother would say, ‘are the only things that should cross a young lady’s mind.’

Nice.


Quote:
Ivy always scored top marks on etiquette. And every other subject that she was tested in.

Merge.


Quote:
Ellima however, didn’t know her curtseys from her embroidered curtains

Comma after name, too. And - nice.


Quote:
She and her sister would be taken to the prestigious university of Queen Aimia, (the founder of Aimi) twice a week to take lessons from royal advisors, professors of etiquette and dancers.

The parenthesis should be in the section before the comma (right after Aimia), though you must know that I don’t like parenthesis at all, and so I’d advice you to get rid of it.


Quote:
Ivy loved their trips as she found more chances to show off and discredit Ellima.

Add: on the other hand, or something like that to contrast and emphasize the difference between the two girls.


Quote:
Now Ivy had finished her advanced princess course, she was to be presented with an elegant crown and given a full royal title.

“Now that”


Quote:
She had more important things on her mind

Elaborate, don’t go rushing off! Right now it’s just (the sentence) floating around vaguely.


Quotes:
Ellima found her dressing gown,

New paragraph.


Quote:
A very tall wall had been built the entire way round the palace gardens for privacy but the back gardens had been neglected for a long time.

Comma before “but”. Er, how do these two relate, exactly?


Quote:
“I’ve got a treat for you.” whispered Ellima,

“I’ve got a treat for you,” whispered Ellima,


Quote:
“Ario… Are you ok?”

Not “ok”!


Quote:
Where was that stupid stuff?

“stuff”…


Quote:
“Oh, go away.” she held Ario gently.

“Oh, go away.” She held Ario gently (expand the tag).


Quote:
“Come on.” she whispered.

“Come on,” she whispered.


Quote:
“Mother! Ellima’s got something in her room.” wailed Ivy.

“Mother! Ellima’s got something in her room,” wailed Ivy.


Quote:
“Nothing. I’m just feeling a little tired. “ she lied, yawning.

“Nothing. I’m just feeling a little tired,” she lied, yawning.


Quote:
“So maybe if I can embarrass her on stage….

Eclipse is three dots.


Okay, that’ll be the end of the line by line crit. On to impressions.



CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

-> Info dumps. Or not info dumps, really, but semi- ones. Chunk-like paragraphs, there. E.g., the first long one (about schooling) should be split. Really. The next one also.

-> Punctuation (dialogue)

-> “ok”, “stuff”… Nu.

-> Transition. She’s in the room (the MC) and Ivy want to get in. Smoother

-> Realism. Ivy screaming for Mother, and the latter showing up? Don’t they live in a castle or something? These things do take time. Or, if the used magic, mention that.

-> More description generally.


FANTASTIC!

-> there were some really funny moments which made me laugh.

-> description (because where it was, I enjoyed it), especially of her “journey”. That was really good, as was the scene in the garden.

-> dialogue. I liked that.



Conclusions: This a very nice, fairy-tale like story. It wasn’t too long - on that I do not agree with the critiquer above me. Generally, I enjoyed it.


Cheers,
Esme
  





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Wed May 28, 2008 9:48 pm
onceuponatim3xo says...



Thanks for splitting it into 2 parts! :D

So, on to the crit:

Since Esme got most of the quotes in the context - I'll just tell you my impressions and what I think you could improve on:

As Esme said - you did info-dump in a few paragraphs. We don't have to know everything in the first chapter, so try to space some of the facts you say throughout the chapters, or at least throughout the paragraphs. There was a lot of info-dumping in this paragraph:


Her mother was always going on about etiquette and the ‘proper’ thing to do in any situation. Ivy always scored top marks on etiquette. And every other subject that she was tested in. Ellima however, didn’t know her curtseys from her embroidered curtains. And she wasn’t too bothered about the difference either, which aggravated her professors. She and her sister would be taken to the prestigious university of Queen Aimia, (the founder of Aimi) twice a week to take lessons from royal advisors, professors of etiquette and dancers. In other words, Ellima fell asleep on her desk every Monday and Thursday. Ivy loved their trips as she found more chances to show off and discredit Ellima.


and I think that you could easily improve your story by either showing Ellima at the university and Ivy showing off, or just put these facts throughout the chapter.

Also, you tend to just throw names at the reader, Josephine and Ellima were introduced all right, but Ivy and Lelanai weren't. Out of nowhere you say
Ivy always scored top marks on etiquette.
and it leaves the reader confused and thinking "who is that??" This can be easily fixed though, by saying something like "Ivy, her sister, always scored top marks on etiquette" and then for Lelanai (her name shows up out of nowhere also) instead of saying "Leilanai stood in the doorway with Ivy." Just tag in her relation like Ivy: "Her mother, Leilanai, stood in the doorway with Ivy."

Then, with the scene where Ivy wants to come into Ellima's room, it's a little rushed. You have it like this:

“Ellima!” called Ivy, knocking at the door “What’s that noise?”

“Oh, go away.” she held Ario gently. “Go away, I’m busy!”

“You’re up to something. Let me in!”

Ellima ignored her and took Ario over to the window. “Come on.” she whispered. “You’ll be fine… Stay still. Hold on. Just swallow this.”

Ivy banged on the door again.

“Mother! Ellima’s got something in her room.” wailed Ivy. “She locked the door! Come quickly!”

There was a loud bang on the door.


but, I think that you should have Ivy talk more to Ellima before she gets her mother. It will seem more realistically paced. Have Ivy say something snide so that the reader knows what Ellima has to put up with or at least have her yell at Ellima for not opening the door.

Then finally, you should work on your descriptions. Paint a picture for the reader - let them see what you see through your words.

Overall, great job! :D You have a good start.

Hope to read more,
~Onceponatim3xo

P.S. Have you read or seen the Secret Garden? It seems like you were inspired by it to write about the garden scene.
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Thu May 29, 2008 7:06 pm
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Swottielottie says...



Yep, you're completely right, I was inspired by the secret garden. Thank you for critting! Thank for pointing out my mistakes!
  





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Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:11 am
Conrad Rice says...



Well, I'm here to review, since you asked.

You have what promises to be a very interesting story. But something seems a little off in this story. I'm going to try to pinpoint what it is, though I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is myself.

I liked that you had Josephine speaking in dialect, in this case, Cockney. Not many people can do it very well, and while you didn't have her do it much, it was enough for us to get an idea of her voice, and that is all that is needed.

Ellima kills a raven with one swing of her arm. I have a problem with that. A raven is a fairly stout bird, bigger even than a crow. A princess, even one as distinctly non-princesslike as Ellima, would not be able to kill one like that. Even if it was magical, and if it could be killed because it was magical, then a dark magician needs to get fired. If a girl can kill your magically summoned bird, then your spell books are worth nothing.

Ivy seems a little too spoiled. How? In my experience, a girl does not throw a fit that big and then just stammer something out. She'd find a way to pin it on Ellima, no matter what. She'd say something like, "Momma, momma, Ellima's not ready yet!" Okay, maybe not that, but she'd have something mildly incriminating.

I think I figured out why something seems off. You have a lot of telling paragraphs. Telling in a story is not a good thing. There needs to be a little more showing. I haven't read the other reviews yet, so I don't know if anyone has told you that. If you manage to fix that, I have no doubt that this story will gain the edge it needs.

Well, that's my review for you. If something seems a little harsh, or hard to understand, please pm me, as I would rather you take me to task for something than be left in the dark.
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Sat Aug 09, 2008 11:16 am
Swottielottie says...



Oh yes, I see what you mean! It is a bit odd that a raven should die so easily... I'll edit that ASAP!

You're completly right about Ivy, I wrote her parts very quickly and I haven't really revised them yet. Hopefully, she'll sound more realistic later...

Hmm... I'd better get rid of all the info dumps, but without taking away too much.

Thanks for the crit!



C
  





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Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:01 pm
Chirantha says...



I don't know what to say,the others had pointed out all the mistakes.

But I theresay I will find some,

Excruciating pain filled her body as Ellima heard these words. She called out, screaming as the walls closed around her. She saw the cruel face of the dark sorcerer, forever laughing, as she was pushed into the darkness--

Really good idea but do princesses have dreams like these?Maybe....

”Did ya’ave another one of those dreams, your majesty? Heard you calling out, I did.”

I really make out the maids voice.This was really good.

Her and Josephine had their own silent system for these matters,

"Her and Josephine"?,did you mean "She and Josephine"

Checking there was no one about

Change this to "Checking to see if there was no one about"

Ellima knocked the raven out of the air.

Can a princess kill a raven with one swing of a branch?

“Hurry up then! I need you to see something. Daddy got me something wonderful.”

Did Ivy actually wanted to show Ellima something?or was it just to lure Ellima out of the room?

“I think you’re hearing things, must be the stress of your coronation.”

Who says this?Ellima or Leilanai?

But other than those your story is really good.Bravo. :D
  





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Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:07 pm
Swottielottie says...



Thanks! I'll change them as well, although I may not post the edited version on here, I'm lazy :D

I'll review your story when I get a spare few minutes!
  








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