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Young Writers Society


Bite size Nano piece



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Thu Nov 08, 2007 3:34 am
deleted1 says...



(Small piece of the story posted for Lind. Any others please give tips. Graphic detail warning though! I am well aware of the comma errors and a few grammar spots. This is a Nano thing...so please don't be strict on that, but rather wording. :) Thx to all who read.)


Black smoke billowed into the sky as flames spread quickly across the ground, swallowing up three helpless goblins in a wall of fire. Turning to ashes in the intense heat, their cries of pain went unheard amongst the roar of the flames. Scorching the ground and leaving a large smoldering crater the flames died out and a small naked Elvaan child started to laugh uncontrollably. Throwing his head back and holding his sides with his hands.

“Hahaha! Ghahaha! HAHAHA!” he laughed and laughed.

Another Elvaan jumped forth from the shadows and in front of the Elvaan. Kneeling respectfully at the sight of the man he addressed his master, “Lord Koyo, you’ve returned to San d’Oria! How I’ve awaited this day!”

The ninja wore pure black gear from the far east. Dark black chain mail and a hakama protected his body and concealed him within the shadows so well he simply vanished to the naked eye. The man was in his early forties, but he bowed to the mere child that lay before him.

Koyo grinned and his cold eyes set upon the man, “Florence.”

Keeping his head down low respectfully the man replied, “Your orders, my Lord.”

The child grinned and clenched his teeth with a murderous smile filling his face, “Die.”

The man gasped and jumped back from the child, three shuriken shooting towards Koyo’s small body. Eyes flashing crimson as a pillar of stone burst forth from under Florence’s position, barely missing the skilled ninja. The shuriken hit there mark and embedded themselves into the child’s naked flesh without so much as a cry of pain escaping him.

“Fool. Your toys cannot hurt me anymore.” Koyo laughed with glee.

Florence growled and split into four separate entities that appeared exactly the same as him self. Splitting up they scattered and surrounded Koyo on all sides. Each drawing two katana hidden within their hakamas, mimicking one another to the point of perfection on timing the clones were indiscernible from the real Florence.

“Shadow replication spell number one. Utsusemi: Ichi.” laughed Koyo as he glanced at the four figures surrounding him, “Let’s play, Florence!”

The ground burst from underneath Koyo, flames spreading forth consuming the shadow images of Florence in intense heat. All four figures danced in the flames, the paper clones burned away to nothing in an instant revealing the blackened face of Florence.

“Twenty years Florence, does that mean anything to you?”

Florence leapt back making four more replications of himself that lined up against the child, “You devils are all alike!”

“Kneel and pray for forgiveness!” cried Koyo as the wind unnaturally picked up, shredding the paper clones revealing the true Florence once again. This time unscathed by Koyo’s mastery of magic a single shuriken shot forth from Florence’s hand. Landing in the child’s neck, Koyo gasped as his windpipe was punctured and silenced his spells. Gasping and gurgling, Koyo pulled the shuriken from his neck, blood pouring from the wound, traveling down his chest. Throwing the shuriken on the ground, Koyo began to remove the other three embedded within him, his eyes wide with glee and a raspy gasp of laughter escaped his mouth.

Florence ran in toward the defenseless child, thrusting the two katana forward and into chest, barely missing the boy’s heart as the two blades pierced through and out the back of the boy. Koyo gasped and his eyes widened, staring into the cold ruthless eyes of Florence.

“I’ve changed, you have not.” whispered Florence, withdrawing the blades from Koyo’s chest. Blood poured from the wound, spurting down his chest more and more with each heart beat. Koyo’s eyes widened as his body failed to move, blood pouring from his eyes. Staggering backwards, Koyo gurgled blood from his neck and it trickled down his mouth.

“I’m sorry, Lord Koyo. Your soul is free to return to the crystal. Goodbye!”

Florence ran forward at the child, his figure vanishing as he moved. Five quick strikes barely visible to the eye struck the chest of Koyo. Florence sheathed his two katana into his hakama. Koyo’s small chest burst forth with blood and guts spilling forth onto the soft grass of Ronfaure. Koyo’s eyes wide with fear, desperately trying to hold in his insides. Blood choking his raspy breath, pouring from his wounds and eyes.

Falling to his knees the child cried out, but only bubbles of blood escaped his throat. His eyes started to close, blinded with blood turning everything a dark crimson hue, staring up at his killer. Darkness fell like a curtain over his eyes before falling backwards onto the ground, staring up at the sun yet seeing nothing.

Florence turned his back from the body of the child as a voice called out from the distance, “Stop! Murderer!”

An Elvaan scout in heavy bronze scale armor ran up to the body of the child as Florence literally vanished in front of the scout. The man looked down at the child and tapped his pearl the tip of his long pointed ear, “Send for help. Send Pijo and hurry!”
  





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Thu Nov 08, 2007 3:50 am
Emerson says...



Stories don't go into writing tips, darling. ^_^


*moved to other fiction*
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  





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Thu Nov 08, 2007 11:12 pm
deleted1 says...



Its not a story, it lacks all the development and beauty of one, and cuts off at the end of the scene. :) Its a tiny piece I put up mainly for Lind to check and give tips about writing.

Should I delete it? Didn't know where to post bits that I could recieve comments on and help. Also...its not moved if you wanted to move it btw.
  





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Fri Nov 09, 2007 1:11 am
Snoink says...



Hehe, no, it's fine to post something something unfinished in fiction. Though this is definitely fantasy fiction. ;)

And you're not supposed to edit your nano now! Just write. Though, for your nano, I would suggest separating some laughter. Instead of saying, "Hahaha!" try "Ha ha ha!" See? More words! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Sat Nov 10, 2007 9:34 pm
Dr. Jamie Bondage says...



This is good, if a bit short. XD I'm sure YOU can make it better! Lol. DR
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Mon Nov 12, 2007 1:18 pm
blackstorm says...



When it says "Another Elvaan jumped forth from the shadows and in front of the Elvaan.", maybe it would be better if you said "Another Elvaan jumped forth from the shadows and stopped in front of the laughing Elvaan." I think it would be clearer that way.

Also "Kneeling respectfully at the sight of the man he..." makes no sense. Didn't it say before that the Elvaan looked like a child?

Other than that, very nice! :)
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