It's a great story, i found the Kwu... a bit hard to picture, other than that, i think you should slow down the story a bit, i found it a bit to fast, even though my own writing is faster (i think), anyway, i await the next chapter!
~~Shadow~Knight~~
Cause i'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man,
I'm a one man revolution.
I'll keep those things in mind, Hunter. Do you mean that Bob shouldn't say that Hunter's not a vampire and instead be surprised that vampires are even in existence or something?
I'm actually planning on rewriting a good portion of the first part, but I'm going to try swooping instead of bashing.
Anyways, looks like it's about time for an update, eh?
Chapter 3
The crowd slowly dissipated as the industrious villagers went back to their tasks. A few came up to shake my hand or just to touch my face (which was weird), and asked me questions about my home- did we have forests? What were our houses like? Were there any kwu on my world? Many were surprised to hear about the technology of Earth, and many were happy to hear that the nature of my world was very similar to theirs. Finally, all the adults had left, leaving only the handful of children that were not too shy or afraid to talk to me. Mike, Hunter, and I talked with them about our world and theirs, and learned a little bit about kwu-ghai culture. It seemed the kwu were spirited creatures with strong work ethics. There were very few criminals or thugs in the village, and the citizens all watched out for each other. I was surprised to discover that what had seemed a hamlet was really much bigger- perhaps spanning the whole forest! This city was the only kwu settlement, and there were many kwu- although many fewer than on Earth. I guessed that there were around 30 to 50 thousand in the settlement, and that there were smaller groupings or communities that were very close to each other and kept governance over themselves. The children of the village were taught at an early age the simple morals of sharing, friendliness, and doing their best. Many children helped their parents with their occupations, while others spent time with other children talking and playing.
“Ayela! Freck!” the red-haired midwife called her children over, “time to come eat dinner!” Freck ran off, after sticking his tongue out at Hunter again, and Ayela turned and shook my hand.
“It was nice meeting you, Bob,” she said, then turned and did the same with Hunter and Mike.
“Nice to meet you, Ayela,” I said, with agreements from my friends. Ayela smiled and ran off to eat. Hearing Hunter’s stomach complain, I realized that I was hungry too.
“I’m hungry,” Mike stated, his stomach loudly suggesting finding something to eat. Looking around, I wondered where we might find some such nourishment. A kwu passed by, one I recognized from earlier, and I called to him.
“Sir!” he turned at my hail, “Where could my friends and I find something to eat?” The man walked over to us and thought for a second.
“Well,” he began, “there are a few places. Kids like you should probably stick to the family restaurants, so there’s Rej’s place or the Wandering Soul.”
“Can you tell me about ‘em?” I responded. The man nodded and continued.
“Well, Rej is the community magician,” he smiled slightly, “his place, the Sky’s Inn, is a nice little restaurant and inn a few houses that way-” he pointed off beyond the Elder’s cottage- “I think you’d like him. The other place,” he pointed another direction, “is run by one of the families in our community. They sometimes have stories and puppet shows or other entertainment, but they’re more expensive.” Then he started and blushed. “Of course, I’m sure they’d be more than willing to provide the Boundless with food, especially our arrudshan and his friends.” He did the Called salute again, which I returned.
“Thanks,” I shook his hand gratefully, “I think I’ll check out Rej’s place. We could use a place to spend the night. What was your name again?”
“Jiian,” the man replied, nodding his head.
“Nice to meet you,” I said, nodding and turning towards the inn. As we walked, I mused about what the magician would be like. Could he use real magic, or was it more like the “magic” that exists on Earth. It was so amazing to be in a world of magic like this one, but it was hard to get used to.
“Seems like a friendly village in general,” Mike replied cheerily. Hunter scowled.
“If you don’t count arresting me and dragging me to be interrogated,” Hunter replied sardonically. I just shook my head.
Thanks. I've decided to get back to writing, but I need some opinions. How should I proceed? Should I switch over to my Sci-Fi story? Should I just rework Boundless (what I'm leaning towards now)? Or should I just keep going from where i left off?
I loved the prologue, and I'm going to read the rest of the story, but there are just a few things that I noticed, that if you fixed, I think would make the story easier to read.
This is just for the prologue:
"Just like every other dream, this dream. . . ."
Starting a sentence with "Just" sounds weak. It would sound better if you said "Like every other dream, this dream. . . ."
". . .like a wolf or an owl would creep up on its prey. . . ."
This is just my opinion, but I think it would sound better if you chose one or the other. I would choose the wolf, because I picture it more "Creeping up" than the owl that would swoop down on it's prey.
"But as soon as it had seemed gone once again. . . ."
Try to sparingly use "But" to start a sentence. It is also considered weak. I have a problem with doing it in my own stories. Also, the sentence itself is a little wordy, and I think it would sound better "As soon as it seemed to have been gone again. . . ."
"And so the dream proceeded, each time more intense. . . ."
Sorry, I feel like I'm picking on you, but I'm not. It is also weak to start a sentence with "And." Try something like, "The dream proceeded, more intensely each time. . . ."
"Their fur gave way to flowing manes of hair that reached down to their shoulders or beyond. Each one wore jewelry of feathers, bones, and precious stones, and wore tunics made of finely cured and tailored animal furs and skins, and sandals made of tough leather."
Although your sentences are supposed to be different lengths (which you have done an excellent job of) this sentence is a bit long, and can be confusing and hard for readers to understand. Try to break it up a little.
"This time, what I saw disturbed and haunted me. I stood in front of a huge door made of stone and steel. Statues and carvings spoke of the evil inside, their twisted and devilish faces a mockery of life and nature. Everything I had witnessed until this point seemed to find its counterpart on the walls of the huge castle that loomed in front of me. The sky, although blue and cloudless, seemed to take on a dark, grayish tone. Something inside me whispered that this was the last place in this world that I wanted to be. But it was a dream, and I had no control."
I love your description here. It sounds like such a wretched place.
“Only the one who is Called from a world devoid of magic can destroy the one born of magic. With the Sword that was lost, the Called will rise from his shackles and face the darkness of all worlds. He will save us, but destroy himself. No other can take his place.”
I really like that.
Anyway, the story is very enthralling, and I'll read the rest of it. Good job!
Haha. Don't bother with the rest of it just yet. I plan on redoing Chapters 1-3 (which is all I have besides the Prologue). Thanks for the critiquing, BTW. I have a bad habit of long sentences. As for And and But, most authors use them to start sentences anyway, so I figured it wouldn't bother most readers. Just hang around a bit so I can get my act together and fix up the body chapters, k?
I read the prologue only, forgive me I would read on but I have other things to address to. Well it's good indeed, it only is a prologue, but in it is basicly what tells the reader shall perhaps befall, and what they shall encounter. It splayed out the perhaps main races and places, and 'conflict' to be overcome. I hope to continue reading it, and as for any grammatical or spelling mistakes, none that concern me, any more beyond that, I couldn't say as I was paying attention more to the story!
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