Young Writers Society

I'm kind of annoyed at the story though. It seems like it is inappropriate for a prologue, perhaps it would be better if it was at the beginning of Chapter One. From there you could go switch to the protagonist and continue on.

I'm sorry it annoys you. I did decide to make it chapter one though. Although I might change it back. I just wanted this part to kind of show what the main character (you guys still don't know his name do you? Oh well, it's in the next chapter!) was like and why and how much Kioko means too him. You'll why it was such a big deal for him to actually make a friend latter, but for now just know he cares about her a lot. The reason I made it a prologue was becuase the rest of the story takes place when they're freshmen in high school. As you can see, a huge time difference and I thought it would be approprite to have this part be more of a preview.

More than that, the story didn't particularly hook me. Kioko seemed like a stock character, she needs to have more of a substance to become real. Your protagonist sounds real enough, but he seems to be relating more in the way of feelings and emotions than details.

Could you please diffine "stock character" a bit more, I don't really understand. Also, this part takes place when the protagonist is in Kindergarten, and kindergarteners do relate more with feelings than details. In the next parts, when he's older, he won't do this as much.

I think you should elaborate more on this. Flesh out the story so that instead of doing a hurried recounting you should take your time. It would be the difference between writing a description of a dream and writing the dream. So, take the time to write the details.

I realize you wouldn't get it at this point, but this is a bit like a description of a dream. Its kind of like the main character is having a flashback or going back and watching his childhood replay. He doesn't remember a lot of details, only little things. So hopefully in further chaps. I can "flesh out the story" a bit more like you said.

BTW: I love your wording on that: flesh out the story.