Young Writers Society

Azila >> thank-you so much! That really helped, and I'll make the changes right away. =)
Fall_Into_The_Sky >> thanks! I'll fix those things ASAP.

Yes! And guess what? This was a featured work! *happiness*

Hi! Sorry if I repeat stuff. I should have gotten to this sooner.

Prologue: Ehem... I dunno, this part was very pretty and poetic, but the fantasy stuff was a bit too strong for me. You don't really tell us what's going on... On the other hand, I like how vague it is.....


Main part: I liked it! Some minor errors, which I'll get to later. I was kindof unsure about the wolf part, but you pulled it together pretty well.


Letter: Woah... Now it's like Sci-fi! That was a really unexpected twist. For the rest of the story its really strongly fantasy, and then you switched genres on me!


Critique:

She came her every morning to practice,

Eh... Should be 'here'

Guinevere relaxed as she saw who it was: Lyla, a stable girl. They had known each other since they were very young; Guinevere was Lyla's foster sister. "It's fine, don't worry about it," she said wearily, her alarm fading.

This sounded a bit awkward to me. Maybe rearrange it like this:

"Guinevere relaxed as she saw who it was: Lyla, her foster sister.[insert some description about her clothes, revealing that she works at the stables. ] "It's fine........

She reached into her quiver and nocked

'nocked' should be 'knocked'.... I think.

"Today, I went early to the stables to care for the injured horse, and --"

This part of dialogue feels a bit forced. Maybe you should give the horse a name or something... because if Guinevere knew which horse she was talking about, then she'd call it by it's name, and if she didn't, she'd call in 'an' injured horse, not 'the' injured horse.

. Lyla stared back at her through solemn hazel eyes ringed by dark, curling lashes.

Hmmm... Didn't you already mention that she had fair, orangey hair? I don't think that would normally go with dark lashes.

Until then, be warned that it will begin to deteriorate if the Syloren is mentioned or performed.

What is 'it'? The world? no pressure, ey? And what the heck is the 'Syloren'? never mind.... Don't tell me.

And... I think that's about it! PM when/if you post more of this.

See ya!


~Lupis

Well, it seems everyone has critiqued the heck outta this, but I still must put my say in.

I like the dialogue, the characters, and all such elements, including the foreshadowing. (I'm not sure that word works to well here, but I hope you get my point). One thing I'd like is a little more description. I have no idea what this world is, what it looks like, how anything feels or seems. Maybe I'm just a little picky, but I'd love it if you could add a few sentences about things like the season, the weather, any abnormalities this world has, etc.

Thanks a million!

Thanks so much, you guys!

It's so nice to sign on and find some critiques waiting to be read. I'm done the rewrite, but I will be editing it up a bit now.

Hmmm... Didn't you already mention that she had fair, orangey hair? I don't think that would normally go with dark lashes.

You're right, I'm pretty sure. I'm actually basing Lyla's appearance on that of one of my friends, so I think it is possible, but I might change it....

I'll be fixing the nit-picks right away, though. Thanks again!

- Camille xx