Anyways. Do you think I should continue this? It is Part One, after all. (Blizzard is a character in my larger novel - this is just a novella that I've decided to write about her.)
YES! Of course! Just make sure of one thing...
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Anyways. Do you think I should continue this? It is Part One, after all. (Blizzard is a character in my larger novel - this is just a novella that I've decided to write about her.)
I watch the crimson luminescence filter through the trees in a state of calm rapture;
Motes of dust dance in the shafts of light that slant in through the branches above me.
my limbs are heavy with warmth
My jaws part in a smile
I shake leaves from my thick white pelt and step forwards towards the she-wolf.
A snarl tears from between my teeth.
She gives me the slightest of nods and we run off into the sunset.
mould...
I had smelt her just as she appeared.
This is the lake where I met Bane as a pup of nine moons. This is the lake where my son was killed by Heather wolves.
This is the lake where I will have my revenge.
Some say that Bane ate a human heart so that he might know the thoughts of man.
His voice is cold an flat, like ice.
When he speaks, that flower withers and dies. "I see the blood on your face, Blizzard," - then, in a whisper of mock despair, "You killed your mother!"
know that he does not mean the kind of hide-and-seek that pups play. He means something more dangerous - we will enter the spirit world, the world used for mage-work, and search for souls. Our own souls.
A little voice inside me is saying that that period should be a semi-colon... of course, little voices aren't known for being trustworthy. >.>My pelt begins to prickle, but I do not move. My limbs are heavy with warmth, and I want to enjoy the sunset for a while longer.
This is a little strange--maybe try something like this: "The dusty earth beneath me is dry and powdery and the sleepy summer heat of it seeps in through the pads of my paws." I just don't like beginning with "I feel..." it's like saying "I want to incorporate the sense of feel, but how should I do it?" ^_~I feel the dusty earth beneath me and the sleepy summer heat that seeps in through the pads of my paws.
I think this mood change was a bit sudden. She was basking in the sun, then all of a sudden she's aggressive and angry?A snarl tears from between my teeth. I feel aggression knotting my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back.
Firstly, you should try not to start sentences with "suddenly"... just as a general rule. Secondly, this format feels a little repetitive: she was running through the hills with Aurora when she suddenly came upon the glistening pack... now she was running through the hills with her pack when she suddenly sees the glistening lake. Get my meaning?Suddenly, the lake looms in front of us, a glass-like black surface undisturbed by even the smallest ripple.
Like others have said, this is a little cliché... but I guess it's part of the plot, so there really isn't much I can do about it.This is the lake where I met Bane as a pup of nine moons. This is the lake where my son was killed by Heather wolves.
This is the lake where I will have my revenge.
This is a little cliché as well, but it doesn't bother me because it's just what some people think, which can be as cliché as they want. But that's not what I was going to say. I was going to say that this would be a good place to develop her character a little more--what does Blizzard think of the rumor? You say that she is growling, but it a growl of fear? Hatred? Anger? Humiliation? Arrogance?Some say that Bane ate a human heart so that he might know the thoughts of man. A growl rumbles in my throat.
I suggest you make this one sentence by making the period a comma and delete the "we" in the second part.We give him our thanks and set off towards the water. But we are interrupted as three whirlwinds of fur crash into us.
This is a little awkward. I think it would be more powerful as: "Bane and his wolves are shifting silhouettes, the edges of their bodies blurring and tearing with the wind."Bane and his wolves are shifting silhouettes; the edges of their bodies seem to blur and tear with the wind.
Ooh, I love this bit here! ^_^If I am to confront him, I will need all my strength. I shake my fur as if to dislodge water after a rain. But I am dislodging something else now; memories spin away like droplets of water, each one a crystal-clear snapshot of the past.
Do wolves smile? ^_~My jaws part in a smile as I see the pack mage, Aurora, trotting towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare.
Isn't moonrise and sunset pretty much the same thing, just depending on if you're facing East or West? *confused*It seems strange that I would enjoy the sunset -- moonrise is a time much more to my liking -- but today, I take the time to relax away from the pack.
This feels a little "telly." Try, "I breathe in deeply and take in a heady combination of white-tailed deer, dry bracken, maple sugar, leaf mould..."I breathe in deeply and take in a heady combination of woodland smells: white-tailed deer, dry bracken, maple sugar, leaf mould...
Delete the "had." It makes it in the past perfect (I think) and it should just be the past. On second thought, why don't you just delete this sentence all together? It strikes me as a little unnecessary.I had smelt her just as she appeared.
Get rid of the "I feel" and just make it, "Aggression knots my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back."I feel aggression knotting my muscles; Bane - the Heather Pack Alpha - and I go way back.
This is a matter of opinion, really, but I think it would flow better if you replace the comma after "heads" with "and"Many of the wolves turn to acknowledge me respectfully, dipping their heads, bringing their tails close to their bellies.
The use of "encroach" seems a little awkward here... maybe "Behind the group, jagged, black pine trees encroach on the clearing." or something like that? It just strikes me as a little odd the way it is.Pine trees encroach behind the group, forming a jagged black horizon.
Especially because this is a reoccurring theme, I suggest that you pick something other than snow--something more eerie. Snow doesn't seem all that eerie to me...The sky above is eerily white, like a stretch of snow.
This seems a little strange to me... kind of abrupt, no?Blackthorn, my mate. But I do not see him in the crowd. Perhaps he is hunting.
This is pretty nitpicky, but sometimes you capitalize "heather" and sometimes you don't. make it more consistent. ^_~My heart clenches for her; the pack is strong, but the heather wolves know thing that we do not.
You used the word "posture" before, to describe the beta's stance--maybe find a different one (like "stance")?My beta shifts postures quickly as he sees us.
You can delete the first "here"Our children are so innocent - how could they possibly understand the depth of the problem here? Their brother, Oak, from my first litter, was slaughtered here before they were born.
Shouldn't that be "grizzly's paw"?I know who it is before he appears, but when he does, terror hits me like a blow from a grizzlies paw.
This is a bit awkward, maybe try: "He lets out a harsh bark of laughter and steps forwards, menace etching hard lines in the set of his jaw, the way his ears ram forwards."He lets out a harsh bark of laughter and steps forwards, menace etched in hard lines in the set of his jaw, the way his ears ram forwards.
In the flashback, "heather pack alpha" is all capitalized, but here none of it is..."Of course I am," the heather pack alpha replies coldly.
Try changing it to something like, "A familiar, drifting voice jolts me from my calm observations. My jaws part as the pack mage, Aurora, trots towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare."There are scattered sentences like this throughout the piece, so if you have trouble finding them feel free to PM me and I'll help you out!I am jolted from my calm observations as a familiar voice drifts through the trees. My jaws part as I see the pack mage, Aurora, trotting towards me, her agile form reduced to a shadow from the glare.
Good! Elaborate! Make it even MORE so, so that everyone reading notices and doesn't just think (as I did at first) that it was a mistake. You can even make others around her be afraid of her mood changes, considering she's an Alphess and has a lot of control over everyone in the pack.Wolf wrote:PS. Azila mentioned that Blizzard seems moody -- she is. I was hoping that someone would notice that. =)
My pelt begins to prickle, but I do not move; my limbs are heavy with warmth, and I want to enjoy the sunset for a while longer. Here, there are no snapping teeth, no wild eyes glittering with malice. It seems strange that I would enjoy the sunset -- midnight is a time much more to my liking -- but today, I take the time to relax away from the pack.
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