Young Writers Society

Hey, WD!

Bah, you and your awesome first lines. Basically? They rock.

I'll start with the things that I noticed first (so I don't forget them), and then I'll go back and answer your questions, okay?

CONSULTING THE DICTIONARY: You have an absolutely beautiful storytelling style, and it sucks you in straightaway to the story. Unfortunately, the one question besides "What happens next?" your readers are going to ask is, "How in the name of [insert proper deity here] do I pronounce that?"

Yeah. Unless you start writing books about interpretive dance and healing through acupuncture, your readers are going to be fairly straight forward. They don't want to have to guess at what the names are- it's just a waste of time and bugs them every time someone comes up.

- Avoid accent marks and whatever '¨' are. They're just a no-no.

- Avoid ambiguous letters- that is, sounds that could sound like something else. For example, if you named a character 'Qid', your readers might go the Chinese route and assume it's pronounced 'chid'. Or, they might go Arabic and decide it's pronounced 'kid'. Or even 'keed' or 'cheed'. This is the type of thing that will start brawls at your future author fan club meetings.

NO PAIN, EASIER STORY TO WRITE: Creiha gets an arrow pulled out of her arm. Ow. Perhaps even more painful is the writing of such a scene- pain is hard to do really well. That's why it's one of the bits I wanted to personally go over.

Why can we go through watching CSI and ER back-to-back without grimacing, but the arm-chopping-off-scene in 'Master and Commander' makes us hurl every time? Hmm. Setting and circumstance, I think.

Here's another example, from the lovely book "The Year of the Hangman", by Gary Blackwood:

The only surgical tool at their disposal was the dagger. While ARnold cleaned and sharpened the blade, Creighton fortified himself with several shots of rum.

Arnold offered the knife to Creighton's father. "Perhaps you'd rather do it."

"My hands are shaking too much," Harry Brown said. "You go ahead."

Peter handed Creighton a leather sailmaker's plam. "Bite down on that."

Granted, Creighton does howl (subtly), but it's already skin-crawling at the beginning because it's not set in a sanitary hospital or morgue setting. They're on a boat with a knife and some alcohol. Yay.

You've got this advantage in Flames- on the road with a strange man and a few leaves. What kinds of fun, emotional things could you do with that?

*Please, please do not have her scream in dialogue. This is nearly impossible to do without making it comical...'Aaaaugh!' is quite a fun word to look at, but hardly convincing for all dramatic purposes.

___

1. I thought the scene was sort of...emotionally removed. It could have used more description, but more vivid stuff- how are the people reacting to Creiha? Use some of those down-and-dirty 'show rather than tell' tricks to show off the rogueness of the mob.

2. I couldn't figure out how to pronounce the double dot thing in my mind, so I was more focused on the words there than anything. No...I shan't give up my crusade against strange names in fantasy. I....shall...not...

3. Don't address the bond directly. In fact, try to re-write that bit without using the word 'bond' at all- it's a little to idealistic for a relationship between sisters. Instead, do another 'show and don't tell'- let Criscialda and Creiha's interactions and emotions with one another really show us how it's done.

4. STRICK- the dashing rogue. Teehee, I love him.

CREIHA- goody-two-shoes who knows what's best for herself. Also, not all that exposed to the world...she's probably in for a good shock.

Strick seems to me the more headstrong of the two, so if I were opposing him, I'd have to have a darn good argument. Perhaps reveal to us the factors- Creiha's condition, Strick's sympathy, etc.- that would convince him without any words. I think that'll be a lot easier to write.

____

Ah, on to Chapter Two! I love Creiha and Strick very much already...and usually, characters are the things I bother people the most with. I think that's a compliment in and of itself that I haven't said anything about them needing to be more interesting or more flawed.


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I loved this, I just started Flames yesterday (I've printed off all the chapters posted so far so I can read them all in my own time) and I was hooked from the very beginning. Your writing style is very easy, but intricate and detailed at the same time. It flowed well, with only one or two "blocky" sentences, which don't detract from the story at all.

You presented your characters well, especially Creiha, and have given an air of mystery over Strick, and what a Svare is. I like the characters very much already, despite having little contact with them as yet. I look forward to chapter 2.

I especially liked your Prologue. It seemed rather poetic, in a good way, and encouraged me to read on. I won't comment on grammar and spelling mistakes, mostly because there were none that I could find, but also because you could catch any through further editing.

I will continue reading tonight. You've got me hooked. Well done!

-Kaz

I've read the next bit! This was a good carrying on of the action, and I want this to continue!

The only thing that was glaringly obvious was the arrow in Creiha's shoulder. You make out that she hadn't noticed that it was there, but a dirty great arrow sticking out of your shoulder is gonna attract some notice from the victim isn't it?
And Creiha crosses her arms both before and after the arrow comes out. I would have thought it would have been too painful for her to do that; and when the arrow is removed, it's pulled out without enough fuss, blood, pain and tears. If it was imbedded in her shoulder (and you make out that it was) then it would have been stuck firmly in the muscle. Getting it out would have caused enough pain to make Creiha pass out, and all she does is scream, and then apologize seconds after. Still, having never had an arrow in my shoulder personally, I can't be sure of the effect it would have - I'm only guessing.

Very good! Keep it coming! I'm sorry I couldn't do a nit-picking on this, but as not all of it's on the same page, it's a bit tricky.

-ST

Prologue

I hope you don't mind me line-by-line editing? I hate how time consuming it is, but it's worth it...

Wilted flowers dangling lifelessly from their climbing roots, scorched vines were peeling off the crumbling buildings standing in a courtyard of ashes.

This underlined phrase is rather odd. I expect to see it followed by a verb like "looked" or something, instead there is a comma followed by a phrase where "were peeling" is the verb, and it works nicely. I'm not sure how you would fix this, but it looks so weird.

the woman closed the old book, clutching her old, tattered cloak

The reuse of the adjective "old" is very noticeable. I'd get rid of one, or the other, or change something.

It would be a few hours before they discovered the back door open where her companions had escaped.

This sentence was murder on my ears xD. Can I reword it? "It would be a few hours before the discovered that the back door was open; the one where her companions had escaped from." or something like that. It's just too much in one sentence, and I have to put a "that" in there, or it dies... It's too much for one sentence, and no commas or punctuation beyond the ending.

So far the only thing that got to be was the voice in the italicized reading. Long, over drawn out descriptions, the usual fantasy style reading. It crawls into my skull and pinches me. But, I was glad when it stopped...And from the looks of the last paragraph, you won't continue in such a manner.

Chapter 1 P1

A tattered flag wrenched in the fierce wind, convulsing as the flames consumed its charred threads.

That verb scares me... "Convulsing" in the next phrase makes so much more sense. Maybe, wrenched by the fierce wind? It doesn't work for me ><

Commoners were massed around the smoldering wooden pole, and the surrounding streets teemed with curious townspeople, the ashes of the crumbling guard tower that now littered the ground billowing in the musty air.

This sentence bothers me. (I suppose I'm easily bothered xD) It's the punctuation. I really want to turn your last comma into a semi colon. But I think it would work better if you just made the last part a sentence on its own, rather than all together. It's messy.

You seem to have a case of unpronouncable fantasy names. *stabs names* They're fun, but I can't stand them xD This isn't exactly something for you to fix, just an observation of mine.

a bright hue of red.

"Bright, red hue" is smoother.

I have a problem with the sisters. First, their names both begin with C's (which seems intentional, based on one thing I read) but it makes it nearly impossible to remember which it which. you might want to consider changing one characters name. And I know how impossible that is, but it is just a suggestion.

Also, I can't tell the relation of these two, in age. Which one is older? By how much? Are they twins? So it makes it hard for me to get a grip around how they are treating each other.

allowing her feet to lead her away from the crowd.

This is an amazingly fancy way for saying "And walked away from the crowd." We don't 'allow' are body parts to do something, we do them. Don't be too fancy, it sounds odd

No to all of the questions you asked. I enjoyed the story, but I absolutely detest (and this isn't you) the voice that fantasy usually has. It's so... I can't even explain it. It makes everything feel drawn out and blah blah blah, makes me want to stab something. It makes me feel the action is stunted... but, this is just me, and isn't exactly a problem with you so don't worry =D

Quote:
Wilted flowers dangling lifelessly from their climbing roots, scorched vines were peeling off the crumbling buildings standing in a courtyard of ashes.

Nice description but you change tenses in that line from present(flowers dangling) to past (scorched vines were peeling). It makes the reader confused (or just me anyway) as to when exactly the story is happening and it isn't proper english. My suggestion would be to simply change 'dangling' to 'dangled', as the rest of the story is told in past tense. Your writing is very descriptive and profound and I think you should keep on writing.

allowing her feet to lead her away from the crowd.

I definately don't think that is too fancy as I have seen similar wording in other books and I never thought that it was weird. You should keep it like that, it gives your writing more flavor!

I completely agree with Sam that the names of your characters are really hard to figure out. If you don't want to change them (which I wouldn't as they seem to reflect the cultural setting of your story), I would suggest that you make some sort of a key so readers know how the names are supposed to be. It would be very helpful.

Keep chugging along on this story, it is facinating and has amazing potential!

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, everyone. It is much appreciated. I posted a pronunciation guide here (you have to scroll down a bit, I think)

You weren’t kidding when you said long!

Okay! Great story! I loved it! Your writing was excellent and I only have a few comments.

Fingers stiff and cold with fear, the woman closed the old book, clutching her old, tattered cloak about her shoulders. Shivering, she huddled in the dusty corner of the large room and winced as the shouts of soldiers grew louder and louder outside her house. It would be a few hours before they discovered the back door open where her companions had escaped. Squeezing her eyes shut and hugging herself tightly, the woman fought a frightened sob. Strick, where are you?

So who is this woman? I like how this part was written. Mysterious, keeps you on the edge of your seat. Can’t wait to find out more about her.

Did anyone have any trouble understanding who was doing what?

Nope. Understood it all perfectly! I was able to follow everything.

...Creiha talks about how she and Crisci no longer have the same bond they once had; that their bond is a shadow of what once was and how they are alike in nothing but name. It is a powerful piece of foreshadowing, but I keep wondering if I am giving away too much there..

No, I think it’s just right. Don’t change a thing.

“How encouraging,” Creiha murmured, glaring at him beneath her eyelashes..

She glares a lot. A little too much. I understand what you're saying, and I get the fact that she's glaring. but you don't need to mention it almost every time she talks.

She crossed her arms and glancied down at the ground.

Glancied? You mean glanced?

“You may call me Strick,”

Wow. Same Strick? I have the feeling you revealed this too soon, but I don’t know how you could’ve done it differently.

Amazing peice of writing. You're a very skilled writer. I can't wait to read chapter two!

Hullo WD. ^_^

Of course, I've been meaning to say something by way of a critique for longer than I thought it would take me to actually say it. Anyhow, something has come up each time. Your writing takes time to read.

Ah, I'll skim the structure and then go on to character impressions. It all tends to flow together in the end, afterall, especially when it's done well.


Sentence Length and Variation:

You've mentioned being dubious about the description, its lack or its patchiness. Nothing there much bothered me. I don't think it appears to be cut to the quick in the least.

What it does tend to get into is a groove and rhythm. There's nothing the matter with long sentences of course - when they have a length of material that needs enumerating. Sam can and has hit some lovely long sentences in Hourglass; Dream Deep does it rather more often, especially when she avoids the merely complex and strikes complex thought as well as complex structure. ^_^

In your prologue, most of the narrative is brilliant, melancholy and aged, if you will. The first sentence opens it deftly.

But from the first sentence on you seem to get into a pattern: paragraphs keep similar length, sentences keep similar lengthiness. It's so lovely it lulled me out of its meaning at one or two points.

In the prologue, it's rhythm and pattern. (You may notice you like beginning sentences on the present progressive...? ^_^)

...same issue within dialogue?:

A bit later on, as in the the exchange between Criscialda and Creiha, it breaks up the dialogue. Every single remark is followed by a tag and description of how the character says it.

Example:

“No, Creiha!” Criscialda flinched at Creiha’s touch, “No, you have to get out of here before they kill the three Svarë. If you can’t take it, don’t stay. Leave, Creiha,” Criscialda commanded. She knew her order was cruel. She had not forgotten the bond they shared. But theirs was no longer a generous bond; it was only a shadow of what once lingered there between them, and now they were alike in nothing but name.

Perhaps a slight difficulty with info-dump. Sans 'Criscialda commanded', we still know precisely what she's doing.

Under the circumstances, 'Leave' couldn't be anything but an order.

I've gotten more than fond of your characters and their surroundings - there is something vivid and tense about the place; naturally in the situation. ^_^ Don't smother them or baby-sit them - they seem quite capable of running through things themselves. Telling - as in the dialogue tags - feels like a crutch you've left up from beginnings; and they're walking without a limp.

To the Rave in the Review:

Oy, Sam couldn't put it more forcefully: Brilliant opening line. It catches the atmosphere, echoes and foreshadows, it seems. Not to mention it's a deft, short sentence leading into the lengthier ones. ^_^

I would say it feels like Strick, when I go back over it.

...which leads me to the characters.

STRICK and CREIHA:

Introduced, he's got to be intriguing as the mystery; the contrast of exterior's mask and what flickers through; being tortured without making a scene or even crying out.

His interaction with Creiha was involving; within the dialogue, there was the clear sense of Strick holding back, watching. But it wasn't quite neat in the strict sense of the word. While Strick holds back, the narrative still seems to tell and describe as much as ever, and it felt a bit off-kilter. If it were painfully held to Creiha's perception of things, it might go on all it liked and seem natural - if it wandered especially, what with Creiha recent experience, injury, etc.

Strick smiled more bitterly this time, an unexpected pain in his expression, “It means Strick,” he said quietly.

That's Strick. ^_^

Creiha seems the type for adverbs. Strick seems the sort for opening lines, short as shivered steel and bitter as ashes.

It's an odd, ah, almost obssession with me to frame characters in their dialogue, and in the description by its cadence, words, etc. Strick's such a brilliant character, I see him like that - I only hope it's helpful rather than esoteric and vague. ^_^''

--

Quick notes:

*Strick does seem rather quickly convinced still. But I chalked it up to his own disorientation after having his face shoved into a fire and his arm scorched by sadists. Though, possibly, he would push on despite it? It feels like he could go either way.

*Strick and Creiha's interaction is apt for its awkwardness. I almost think more silence, or more misunderstandings would make it shine more; but as it is, it's compelling as well amusing.


Anyhow, that all said, I have to note it's been more intriguing to read each time. My inclination is to line-by-line it. ^_^ Such a lot of excellent material, you know - but you really have most of it nearly polished.

With luck, I'll get to other chapters in the next six months.



IMP

“Wilted flowers dangling lifelessly from their roots, scorched vines were peeling off the crumbling buildings standing in a courtyard of ashes” Were the wilted flowers on the vines? The “their” makes this ambiguous. “Dangling” and “were” are two different tenses, which additionally makes this sentence confusing.

“…life still lingered in the devastated city, and the larger stones protruding from the rubble wept, drizzle glistening on their marble-like surfaces…” Eliminate “like” here; it almost changes it to a simile and it’s stronger as a metaphor.

“The sun hid her face that morning in shame; some even ventured to say she never rose” Too many extra words here; try saying: “some even said” or “some ventured to say”.

“She retreated from the sky and shirked her duty to sob far away – only her tears touching the flames she fled from” Here, it sounds as if her duty is to sob. Instead of “to” try a phrase like “in favor of” to clarify.

“The flame that had once flickered in every man’s eye, the hope that they prayed would never die” Good rhyme.

“…like dogs following their new master’s heels, unaware of the knife in the hand beside them.” Creepy but effective 

“… faded into a small spiral of smoke, forgotten and neglected for years” these two words essentially mean the same thing; pick one to make it stronger.

In this first segment, very nice language usage. Alliteration and internal rhyme add to the mythical feel of everything.

“A tattered flag wrenched in the fierce wind…” In the previous paragraph, the cloak was tattered as well; look for another way to describe one. I’d look to replace the first one as it is in the midst of description and could benefit from expansion while the second one is for setting the scene and conciseness is helpful.

“…convulsing as the flames consumed its charred threads” I don’t know if charred is the right word here. In this whole sentence (when put together with the quote above), instead of using so many one-word adjectives, pick one important noun and describe it in its own phrase to give a better sense of the setting.

“…leaving the flag a tangled heap of cloth twisted upon the muddy street” I like this description

“Running one had through her mud-matted hair, she pulled a few strands away from her smudged face and scanned the street desperately for her sister.” There are a lot of modifiers in this sentence, which throws a lot of information at the reader in one fell swoop.

“I’m supporting my people!” The phrase “my people” stood out for me because I didn’t get the impression that Crisci was leading them, or a prominent figure among them. I would change this to “our people” or “our friends” or something of the like, or even plain “them”.

“Criscialda, the king will ‘march his extravagant procession’ through here, see the mess you and your radicals have made and punish the city” I liked Creiha’s reaction, but is there any way you can expand on her frustration with additional body language, description of tone of voice, etc.?

“But theirs was no longer a generous bond; it was only a shadow of what once lingered there between them” The “their” is unnecessary, and I’d take it out, but it’s not critical that you do.

“Creiha swallowed hard. “’Why?’” This is a good example of description that differs from the noun-adjective or verb-adverb pattern.

“…not when they proclaimed him guilty, not when they burned his left arm” Will the fact that it’s his left arm be important later? If not, consider eliminating it as it is unnecessary information.

“Criscialda winked and hugged her downcast sister as if nothing was awry before sprinting back towards the dungeon where the soldiers were dragging out two unconscious prisoners and leading out a third.” I’m not sure if “were” is correct instead of “was”. Using “out” twice in close proximity sounds awkward; I’d get rid of the second.

“To the streets with the king’s order not to lay hands upon the Svare! We want justice!” I liked the phrase “to the streets” a lot a lot . I think the phrase “not to lay hands upon the Svare” is unnecessary, as it would be assumed by the crowd. While I realize you want to tell exactly what it was for the reader, I think it’s easier for the reader to become swept up in the story if certain things are assumed known (even if there is not way for the reader to know them). I’d eliminate this phrase, but I think that’s just personal preference.

“The bulbous announcer observed this grimly and cocked his head at his chief guard.” Here I think “observed” is too detailed a word and removes the reader from the action. “watched” would work just as well but again, this is personal preference. Continuing this sentence, “shoved the frenzied guard out of the way” the word “frenzied” was used in the previous paragraph. It is a good way to re-identify the guard, but I think something like “frantic” might work better for one of them. I’m also not sure what kind of word it is. I’m wondering if it is a state of being rather than an adjective, making a frenzied step possible but a frenzied person awkward.

“The unsuspecting chief fell backwards, tripping over himself and falling into the now raging fire below” Maybe reword this to “fire now raging below”? Again, preference.

To answer your questions,
In general, I found the description too often only the pattern of (one word)adjective-noun rather than an expanded description that gives a full picture of what’s being described. Think how you can show rather than tell. I didn’t have any trouble understanding who was doing what, and I didn’t find the description of things happening too bare; I did find the description of the setting a little sparse, however. I won’t know if the foreshadowing gives too much away until I read what it foreshadows. At the moment, I don’t think you have a problem. I you’re really worried though, you can shorten that part to call less attention to it: “…the bond they shared; now they were alike in nothing but name”.

“You make me sound like a criminal. This is not an uncharted forest. Now I get to ask a question.” The comment about uncharted forest seems as if it’s intended to be an offhanded comment, but as it is, it seems random. Try adding a phrase like “anyways” or “by the way” to the end to seemingly diminish the importance of it. Even if it is important, the smoother the phrase is, the more likely the reader is to forget about it until he needs to remember it again.

“…Creiha was surprised to see his right arm swathed in drenched, mud-stained bandages that hung limply around the injured limb.” Everything after “mud-stained bandages” was implied in the beginning, and I’d suggest removing it.

“I didn’t deem it wise to let the guard decapitate you at the time,’ the man said casually, shrugging slightly…” the word “casually” is shown in the man “shrugging slightly” and is therefore unnecessary.

“Everyone knows it hurts more when you look!” It doesn’t seem that Creiha is too concerned that there is an arrow sticking out of her arm…

“Before Creiha could assent, he crouched on the ground in front of the rock she had climbed onto and was examining her arm gently.” Maybe you use synonyms for common words too often? Words like “assent” are better used in description or in dialogue for characterization. Otherwise it often interrupts the action, much like always having a different dialogue tag.

“You were shivering when I first brought you here, and, I daresay, it has gotten colder more than warmer since earlier tonight.” The phrase “colder more than warmer” is awkward. If you want to keep it, you should replace “more” with “rather”, but I’d suggest taking out “more than warmer” in the end.

I don’t get the sense of how old everyone is. If this is the point, it was used effectively. If not, add something into a description or even a dialogue tag. For instance, if they’d still be in school, give a reference to the year, or if they’re just out of school. Or, if school isn’t an issue in this world, someone could reference just being apprenticed to a trade. If they’re older, you could say that their hands are wrinkled, or that they’d lived in the town for such and such years and held the same job for however long.

It also struck me as odd that neither of them were too injured to run away, even though Strick’s face was in the fire and Creiha had an arrow in her arm… also that none of the townspeople caught up with them…

To me, Creiha seems too willing to go with a complete stranger; she didn’t have any misgivings about whether he was dangerous or not (even though he saved her).

You did a good job of keeping Strick mysterious, but I did find him being convinced to stay too quickly. If he gave in to Creiha's whining silently, it could have been more exaggerated

PM me if you need anything
-Amelia

I'm not going to point out anything else that's all ready been said, other than that YAY! I finally got to read this! I've been trying for months. o__o I really like where this is going, and I can't wait to read more of it. I'm really interested to see what Strick's story is.

C1 p2


(Finally getting back to this...)

She shivered at the freezing dew stinging her face and unconsciously pulled a cloth that didn’t smell familiar around her.

You said a whole lot in this sentence. You have her doing two actions, split them up. And why does it matter that the cloth smells unfamiliar? It just seemed like a whole lot at once.

And the blue eyes? Cliché. It'll only be worse if they fall in love xD

“I don’t scream; I’ve never screamed from pain. I can take anything. I- Aaaah!” Creiha screamed when the man yanked the arrow out of her arm, dropping it so he could handle the leaves.

In this section (and the whole paragraph, really) you should pick other words than 'scream'. And, I'm a stupid reader, what are with the leaves?

Angry bile rose in Creiha’s throat when she saw the ghastly

Bile can be angry?

Creiha blinked, “Wait, we’re going somewhere?” What was he saying? Did he really intend to take her from her home? Creiha’s eyes danced with an unbidden excitement. A certain intrigue lay in a world outside Sray-Valom. But to leave her family? Criscialda will hate me if I go back. They’ll be ashamed. Creiha thought grimly. Her sister had always called her a skeptic; Criscialda would have followed this man with dreamy eyes.

First her thoughts are sort of third person, then they turn into first. The first person ("Criscialda will hate me....") should be in italics. also in the last sentence, should it be "this man with the dreamy eyes"? otherwise she could be the one with dreamy eyes.

“You may call me Strick,” Strick informed her with a small nod of his head.

You should say "he informed" because you repeat the name. Same thing with the sentence where she tells her name.

“I’ve never known robbers to attack travelers who can defend themselves.”

the can implies that Strick isn't in pain with a mangled arm-blah-blah and has an RPG rocket gun hidden away somewhere to fight off said robbers. Do you mean can't?

My impressions of the characters: Strick seems a bit too laid back for just running from an angry mob and almost being burnt at the stack. The other girl (I don't dare spell it!) was obviously in love with Strick once she saw his wonderful blue eyes, and her heart palpates, and awwww. It just seems too obvious. Unless I'm really being a stupid reader.

Your story interests me, but for some reason this section seems a little odd. The action stunted, everything moved slower. It just didn't 'work' for me. Of course this could be because of the needed cutting (and did you cut yet?) but who knows. It's your voice, as always, that bothers me :-p

But I enjoy the plot! Even if I hate the funky names.

More to come....

Thanks for the comments, Claudette. I haven't made any changes to this thread, but I've done a little cutting on the hard copy. Thanks for the pointing out some of those structural issues.

On the leaves: the leaves are a plant that grows in Kalinth which is used to staunch bleeding in wounds - I didn't want to go into too much detail for fear of detail dumps - do I need more explanation there?

And the blue eyes? Cliche. It'll only be worse if they fall in love xD

I think Strick would protest even if I did want them to fall in love, but I must admit I do love his blue eyes. ^_^ At least he doesn't have blond hair - now that would worry me.

Look who finally scanned! If there is anything that is confusing or my handwriting is illegible please tell me.















Hope this helps,
Cal.

This is really good. I wish I could write like this. I did catch some things though.

This has already gone too far. Creiha told herself and picked her skirts off the muddy ground, sprinting back towards the crowd.

This sounded awkward to me. Maybe it should be two sentences. Also, I think it’s supposed to be skirt, not skirts.

She knelt down beside the man, ignorant of the indignant crowd scrambling for the gallows to kill them both and was happy to see at least one side of his face unharmed.

This needs a comma.
both, and

when a violet wind engulfed her.

violent ?

“Nowhere special.” A male voice startled her, and Creiha twisted toward the sound, sitting up abruptly.

I think this should be two sentences. It sounds odd to me.

His eyes were whirlpools, deep wells of blue turning slowly and swirling from light blue to dark blue and all shades in between.

Either use the word whirlpools or use the description. Using both seems unnecessary.

She crossed her arms and glancied down at the ground.

glanced?