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This is a little diction thing. The use of the word 'amble' may not be so effective.Clutching her bag to her chest, she ambled forth slowly, with a determination that seemed to belie her elderly frame.
To walk slowly or leisurely; stroll.
In an ordinary world, through an ordinary town, in which there was an ordinary street, there walked a…not so ordinary woman.
there to find a unique power handed down through her line since time immemorial.
She had to draw on reserves she didn’t know she had to perform this feat, but do it she did.
From the darkness there came a hearty chuckle, and slowly the night resolved itself into the form of a tall man who proceeded to stride into the light, smiling broadly.
Doffing his bowler hat; with an unnaturally wide grin slicing open across his face,
I love the description and the wording, please keep that up. I like the ending of this part to, very nice cliff-hanger, leaves you waiting for more. I think you could really get a great story out of this so please don't disappoint with further chapters!
P.S. I want to know what exactly you thinks bad about my story so please tell me, I'd value your option very much.
there to find a unique power handed down through her line since time immemorial
I think you could really get a great story out of this so please don't disappoint with further chapters!
The old woman let her arms fall back to her sides, lowered her head to look straight ahead and spoke to the shadows: “Show thyself” she said “I know you remain yet.” From the darkness there came a hearty chuckle, and slowly the night manifested itself into the form of a tall man who proceeded to stride into the light, smiling broadly. “I applaud your efforts madam” he said clapping slowly “But I am, shall we say, beyond the scope of your powers”. Even as he was saying this she was shaking her head, trying to deny what she was seeing; if it proved true her life was forfeit. For she looked upon the form of Ankhar the Servant of Death.
[/pre][pre]PROLOGUE[/pre]
[pre]In an ordinary world, through an ordinary town, in which there was an ordinary street, there walked a…not so ordinary woman. Short in stature, she had a sturdy frame complemented by a full thatch of snow white hair pulled back in a tight bun. Clutching her bag to her chest, she walked forth slowly, with a determination that seemed to belie her elderly frame. Down the tree lined avenue, past the moonlit suburban homes, she walked until-at last-she reached her destination. Slightly out of breath, she straightened her bent posture, blew a few stray white hairs away from her face and critically appraised the home she had journeyed so far to see.
[pre]At first glance all appeared well, but upon closer inspection it was clear something was not right. The broken toys on the lawn, the covered windows, and the overall look of disrepair-of neglect-told another story. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath then followed that inhalation down to her core, there to find a power; a gift handed down through her line since time immemorial. Calling upon it, she drew it upwards, and opened her eyes to look upon the Unseen World. The buildings, and trees, were all the same but overlaying them now was a ghostly radiance which in most cases shone brightly…all except for the house in front of her—smothered in darkness, it literally pulsed out evil.[/pre]
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath then followed that inhalation down to her core...
[pre]Thrusting aside her growing fear - the old woman stayed utterly still, testing, searching for any weakening. She had to draw on reserves she didn’t know she had to perform this feat, but do it she did. Sensing a momentary diminishing, she threw her arms open; her head back…and began to hum an ancient mantra. As the first pure notes hit the air, her skin began to glow, enhancing the brightness of her white hair. All around her motes of incandescent light began to appear; swirling around her in a cyclone of radiant brilliance. The song grew in complexity, harmony, and beauty—overwhelming all else-- until by the last dazzling crescendo the darkness had retreated, the wind died down, the dogs had been silenced and all was returned to the norm. [/pre]
[pre]The old woman let her arms fall back to her sides, lowered her head to look straight ahead and spoke to the shadows: “Show thyself” she said “I know you remain yet.” From the darkness there came a hearty chuckle, and slowly the night manifested itself into the form of a tall man who proceeded to stride into the light, smiling broadly. “I applaud your efforts madam” he said clapping slowly “But I am, shall we say, beyond the scope of your powers”. Even as he was saying this she was shaking her head, trying to deny what she was seeing; if it proved true her life was forfeit. For she looked upon the form of Ankhar the Servant of Death. [/pre]
[pre]"No, no, no, NO!" she shouted this last denial "This cannot be. You and thy kind were banished from this Realm, Daemon!" Thoroughly unperturbed by this outburst, Ankhar merely dusted the spittle from his immaculately tailored grey-and white manservant uniform. Doffing his bowler hat; with an unnaturally wide grin slicing open across his face, he said: “The key word in that sentence, madam, was were." Now with an unmistakeable menace in his eyes: "We were banished..."[/pre]
CHAPTER 1.
[pre]The boy twisted and turned; sweat pouring off his weakly struggling form. His legs were tangled in knotted sheets and he tried, in vain, to cry out-to somehow escape from a nightmare that had him thoroughly ensnared:[/pre]
Knotted sheets? You mean like the kind which you use to run away from home? If the sheets are tangled, then let them be tangled.[pre]Across the road, through a window in a derelict house, he saw: there was an old woman with glowing white hair having what was obviously a heated exchange with a man…clothed exactly like and with the mannerisms of; a butler. If that was odd then what happened next was frighteningly unusual. The “butler” grabbed an obsidian spear from apparent nothingness and in one smooth motion hurled it…[/pre][/quote[
Is this a part of the dream sequence or is this actually happening?[pre]Moonlight streamed through the window illuminating the room; casting a silver glow over the bed in which the boy slept- not as restfully as he might wish. A light breeze stirred the pale, see-through curtains, alleviating a little of the oppressive heat and bringing some relief to the sweating boy. Beneath closed lids his eyes rolled frantically as he desperately tried to escape …not wanting to see the grisly end. His eyelids fluttered fitfully and for a moment it seemed as if he would wake—then his head snapped backwards and he was ripped back into the dream:[/pre]
"head snapped backwards", that sounds really painful.[pre]There was a soundless explosion of light-blinding him-he couldn’t see anything! He cried out, but what emerged was not the frightened cry of a boy; instead the soft cry of a barn owl invaded the silent night. What was this? He ruffled his feathers in an agitation that faded as his visibility returned. He could dimly see two figures struggling but who was winning? Spreading his wings to an impressive 5 ft, he dived straight down from the branch on which he was perched- giving the hapless boy vertigo-then rose steeply, on silent wings. As he closed the distance his keen eyesight returned—just in time to see the man plunge the spear into the now cowering old woman. He screamed in pain as he felt something rip through his chest…losing control, he spiraled down to slam into the ground in a flurry of feathers… [/pre]
What the heck is going on here? When the heck did this happen?[pre]The boy's back arched; mouth open in a silent scream of agony. The chords and veins in his neck clearly visible as he strained to loose a cry of pain…tears formed and leaked at the edge of closed eyes as he failed. The pain eventually faded and his exhausted body slumped into blissful oblivion.[/pre]
You know, if it gets that painful, usually the person wakes up.[pre]Away to the east, in an ordinary street within an ordinary town, an unusual and unnoticed event occurred. There lay, in a dilapidated house darkened by the death of an innocent, the body of an old woman cruelly murdered. Her once bright hair was now dull, tarnished by dirt-by blood and her once whole chest now bore a terrible wound. Her body, cold with death, began to jerk and twitch uncontrollably and slowly—slowly a form began to emerge. First a ghostly beak, followed by a large body and truly massive wings; a Spirit Eagle took to the air. The physical world having no barrier it could not cross; it shot through the roof and into the night sky. Circling once over the house and loosing a heart-wrenching mourning cry; it paid homage to the old woman, before speeding away.[/pre]
Well, that's nice. Now that the woman is dead, can we get on with the story?[pre]Through a window illuminated by moonlight, the bird flew, with unerring accuracy to the sleeping heir of a forgotten legacy. Without hesitation the Spirit Eagle dove, straight through the boy’s chest, to reside at his spiritual core. For a moment there was no sign that anything had even happened—then slowly an exquisitely detailed picture of an eagle began to burn into his skin. Thankfully the boy was thoroughly unconscious as this was extremely painful. As the welts began to fade, there remained an artful tattoo depicting an eagle; wings outstretched, talons poised.[/pre]
That day a boy died. A Shaman was born.
Quote:
There was a soundless explosion of light-blinding him-he couldn’t see anything! He cried out, but what emerged was not the frightened cry of a boy; instead the soft cry of a barn owl invaded the silent night. What was this? He ruffled his feathers in an agitation that faded as his visibility returned. He could dimly see two figures struggling but who was winning? Spreading his wings to an impressive 5 ft, he dived straight down from the branch on which he was perched- giving the hapless boy vertigo-then rose steeply, on silent wings. As he closed the distance his keen eyesight returned—just in time to see the man plunge the spear into the now cowering old woman. He screamed in pain as he felt something rip through his chest…losing control, he spiraled down to slam into the ground in a flurry of feathers…
What the heck is going on here? When the heck did this happen?
Is this a part of the dream sequence or is this actually happening?
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