In the night

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Okay, I just wanted to say that this is only a small amount of my novel so far, but I will have more up as soon as possible, I'm editing it so I'm not finished I need a lot of advice to pour it on me I don't care what the tone of the critisism, I need to hear everything. Hopefully I'll have the next page up by the end of this week. So here it is.


Chapter 1 page 1. In This World

It was cold, cold as ice, cold as death, and when I touched it I froze. I was not sure how much longer I could handle this cold... this freezing cold.
"I'm going to make everything okay. you have been in a car accident but I don't know how much longer you can make it," I could hear a man's voice talking softly to me. I was sure that I had lost consciousness. Who knew how long I had been out for? "I have to do this I'm sorry." I could still hear the mans voice, but after a minute I didn't anymore... I didn't hear anything.
A pain... a sharp shooting pain entered into my body. I tried hard not to scream but it was too much... a loud scream tore through the darkness, what was this darkness.
I couldn't tell how long I was out before I cam back but now... just this second when I woke up I wasn't so cold anymore, "Where am I?" I asked, realizing the strong senses I now had... the ones like the smell of orange blossom and vanilla, the grained woods, the tiny grains that made up the wood, everything... I noticed everything.
"You're back; how do you feel?" A woman's voice spoke.
"I'm fine," I paused for a moment to try composing my thoughts, "just confused," I sprang up in the bed that I had been lying in, "why am I not cold anymore?" I asked still confused... the cold had been replaced by a nagging thirst... my throat burned, a dull burn, but still a burn... a slowly growing burn, "Annea... where is Annea?"
"Don't be afraid," There was a familiarity in this mans voice that I couldn't remember, "my name is Christiaan and that is Jessicarlie; you should know the others." The man introduced himself and the woman.
Last edited by AliyahPillage on Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:57 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Jessicarlie Love




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before I cam back but now should be 'came'

I didn't notice any other major grammar issues. In terms of the general writing style I think it can come across as a bit stilted, partly because of the number of ... remember you can achieve a lot with standard punctuation. Maybe it's just me but I always think of ... as a cheat I try to use it only in speech and even then sparingly. Also this kind of sounds silly
"the kind of pain that makes you want to scream. I didn't want to scream" I think I know what your getting at but maybe try "want to scream. I tried hard but it was too much... ect"
I also think that you should wait a bit longer to get to the "a vampire" i understand getting the story going but let me wonder for a bit.
There wasn't much to go on being short but I look forward to the next part of the story.
PM me with any questions/abuse
Quibbons Quill



For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle