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Supreme Team, Friend or Foe Chapter One



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Tue Nov 08, 2011 8:19 pm
stevensmith05 says...



Chapter 1 Uncertain Isolation

Numerous forests and thousands of lakes and rivers attached the special charm of the Polish highland and lowland landscapes. A place I now call home. I have to work hard to make ends meet but it is a life I rather have. I would choose money problems any day over the death and destruction of the last few months. It saw me lose my Dad, so clever, witty, the perfect man. I lost the girl I loved, which left me feeling empty, like I had nothing to live for. Sure I had my friends but I could not bare losing anymore of them, I did the right thing. I am sure of that. For the first time in a while I even fell, well feel happy. All I feel now is the weight of the day.

I may be staying in a quite dirty working class B&B in a small village called Debrowa Wielka, an unbelievably beautiful place. The air smells clean the water from the river tastes fresh. It was my small piece of heaven on Earth. I work as a labourer, building extensions etc. Everyday is a hard day of work; all of sudden rivers in my Geography lessons did not look too bad. My boss, well he is not the nicest of guy’s to put it kindly but he puts the roof over my head and pays me so I cannot complain. His name was Fillip Michalski, short hair middle height and in all honesty not very clever. I had worked for his father for a month of two, a tru gentlemen who would help me at every corner. He was old and wise and helped me adapt to life here but when he died of a stroke I knew it was going to become more difficult. Fillip had never liked me, he thought his father adored me which fuelled jealousy and anger inside of him.

His wife Justyna I think was the only reason I still had this job. She was so kind hearted and deserved so much betters then this selfish ignorant moron. She had been like a big sister to me, she must have been pretty magic to convince him not to sack me. He had decreased my pay and rose my work load the swine however I just took it on the chin life could have been worse if you know what I mean, I still preferred this to what happened before I was here, So life was just bobbling along I woke up I ate bitter overcooked toast, I worked endlessly for little pay and then drank a tasteless chicken soup and then it happened, once again my life was turned upside down.

by Ste 8)
Last edited by stevensmith05 on Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Tue Nov 08, 2011 11:15 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hi Steve! I have arrived! :twisted: To make you an evull review. Lol.

Well, this chapter, I like it. I think you wrote a great description, and made it entertaining. I like the fact that it's short. Personally, I think the first chapter shouldn't be too long, and you managed to make it short without lacking information, to my understanding. Kudos!

Though, it does lack some commas. XD You re-read it and add them, especially in the first paragraph. Don't hurt their feelings. :lol:

And, I also spotted two typos:

I had worked for his father for a month of two, a tru gentlemen who would help me at every corner.
The red word should be "true".


She was so kind hearted and deserved so much betters then this selfish ignorant moron.
It should be "than".

That's all! Keep Writing!

~Solly<3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Wed Nov 09, 2011 12:04 am
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Leahweird says...



I think you're having trouble with tense in this chapter. You keep flipping between past and present. I think that's because your narrator is speaking in the future about the past, so it can get confusing. However,I think you want to be using past tense in most cases. Other than that you've done a nice job telling us about the kind of life your protagonist leads.
  








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