Young Writers Society

Chapter 2
Silent screams escape Nastusia as the vision steadily turns worse. Eyes opening to the darkness of the room she felt the collar constricting her airway as her fingers claw at the collar in attempt to bring vital air into her suffocating lungs. Tears stream down her face as her face begins turning pale and blue begins to creep in she, once again, wonders why it never just killed her. As the collar loosens and she grasps in as much air as she could the fog in her head slowly clears.
The room was rather a small house spelled so the inside was large enough for her to fit in comfortably. A few of the rags for clothes her parents had allowed Damien to, in his desire to make her life even harder, charm so they would try to attack her. Whenever they succeeded he would laugh as she fought to break away from their grip. As they attempt to keep her tied inside the small house she glared at them and dodges and she escapes out into the corridor.
With a sigh, Nastusia smiles slightly at the raven perched upon her house before gazing in sorrow at the obvious neglect of the corridor which she resided. The cobwebs and dust aggravate her sore throat as she carefully stays near the wall. Coming up close to the portrait of her great grandfather, Rave Andran, she allows a tiny smile to appear on her face.
As soon as she shuts the portrait behind her, she hears her uncle's portrait sneer at her, "So my brother still hasn't gotten rid of you yet, girl? Wasting his hard earned money you are."
Her smile withers as she stands in the corridor, trying to regain the strength to keep going. Head down she walks on with her soul bearing the desolate reality of her world. She shuffles into the kitchen and begins to cook breakfast.
As she carefully balances a cartoon of milk and several bowls in her arms she hears the familiar light footsteps of her sister. Setting a dark bowl on top of the table she asks Aydan, "What do you want for breakfast?"
Aydan frowns asking, somewhat disgruntled, "Why do you have to cook for us all the time, Onee-chan?" (older sister)
Nastusia shrugs offhandedly as she turns the burner on. Moving through the kitchen with practiced ease she opens the fridge to pull out several eggs. Turning back to the stove she reiterates softly, "What do you want for breakfast, Adyan?"
Flinching slightly as the collar suddenly tightens she continues making the meal as her parents enter with a list in their hands. Gazing warily at them she pushes back the rising panic to expertly mix the eggs and milk. Carefully setting the bowl down she forces out, barely politely, "Yes, sir?"
Her eyes stare at the wall behind her father as he draws in closer. As his fingers dig into her wrist she boldly snaps, "If you want something, say it. Otherwise I need to finish the breakfast you asked me to make."
A growl escapes his throat as he stares down at Nastusia in rage. She stares back, unperturbed to the escalating danger. Turning away from him with a sneer thrown at her mother she shoves her father's hand away to place the eggs onto the skillet.
Pretending not to notice them any longer she prepares the eggs. Carefully flipping the eggs she places several pieces of bread in the toaster and coolly inquires,"If that is all may I leave?"
She turns to face the doorway out and with a inner sigh of relief that Aydan has left finally glares at her mother. As she takes a step towards the door a rough hand grips her arm. Dragging her back to the stove her father hisses, "You should learn your place, servant."
He practically spits the world out with such disgust that Nastusia jerks her head up to stare at him in shock. Staring at her father in desperation to find something, anything to assure her that what he spoke is false. Gazing into cold, unkindly eyes she unwillingly concedes that what she hoped for wasn't reality.
Her face turns impassive as she eyes the flame flickering on the burner in apprehension. Eyes widen a fraction as her mother silently locks the door, warding the room to be sound proof. Stomach churning with blind terror she attempts to unclasp the father's tight hold on her arm as he pulls her next to the stove.
As her hand comes in contact with the burning flame she feels the collar suddenly changing. Pushing against the stove in futile endeavor to prevent the pain she forces her screams to remain internal as she glares angrily through her tears at her parents who watch with twisted laughter ringing from their throats.
Turning her gaze from her parents to the empty portrait of her first ancestor, Yokash, Nastusia finally spoke the phrase he gave her, "In light, darkness thrives."
Biting her lip she winces as the pain begins to cloud her vision. Swaying on her feet she barely hears a man roaring with outrage, "How dare you treat your own heir with such cruelty!"
Forcing herself to focus she turns to spot Yokash standing in the portrait with a look of pure indignation. Her father lets go and shakily Nastusia rushes over to the portrait with a small whimper of pain as her burned hand touches the wall. Pressing herself tightly against the portrait she pleads, "Take me back inside, please..."
Her eyes bore into the ancient man's with longing as he hesitates briefly. Glaring over at his descendants he snarls venomously, "From this day on, Nastusia and Aydan, shall be under the protection of I, Yokash. Should you try to disown them the magic will only turn against you."
With one last glare at the two angry parents he gently pulls Nastusia into the portrait.

Yay, a title! I enjoyed this second chapter, but there are a couple things I wanted mention.

The room was rather a small house spelled so the inside was large enough for her to fit in comfortably. A few of the rags for clothes her parents had allowed Damien to, in his desire to make her life even harder, charm so they would try to attack her. Whenever they succeeded he would laugh as she fought to break away from their grip. As they attempt to keep her tied inside the small house she glared at them and dodges and she escapes out into the corridor.

This paragraph has some issues. I'm still not sure exactly what it says. You might try breaking it down some.

Next, when you mentioned the talking portrait, my mind immedietly started making comparisons to Harry Potter. This really isn't fair to you, especially becuse J.K Rowling used ALL the fantasy tropes. Just watch this doesn't happen to often or your work won't get the credit it deserves.

Lastly, is the Collar supposed to limit or magic or something? It was never made explicit what it's supposed to do. Also, how long has it been since the events of the first chapter? Is ayden older or younger than Damian?

Forgot to mention, the length you have here is good. I personally find it harder to read online, so it's okay to have shorter chapters. SHorter things are also way easier to do an in depth edit on. (This is from the girl who just posted a chapter over 1000 words long, I really need to start following my own advice.)

Here are the suggestions that you asked for, for part two:

*"The room was rather a small house spelled so the inside was large enough for her to fit in comfortably." This I had no idea what the first part meant. I can't even re-write what I think would work because I don't even know what your thought process was on this.

*From this day on, Nastusia and Aydan shall be under the protection of I, Yokash. Should you try to harm them the magic you ensue upon them will only turn against you and forsake you." With one last glare at the two angry yet terrified parents he gently pulls Nastusia into the portrait. As she is pulled into the portrait she felt a sensation that she has never know of, safety and peacefulness

How do you do that with stories?! You are extremly good at writing stories such as this one!

Hey Soul, Stella here for Part Two!

I. NITPICKS

Silent screams escape Nastusia as the vision steadily turns worse.

How exactly is a scream silent?

Eyes opening to the darkness of the room she felt the collar constricting her airway as her fingers claw at the collar in attempt to bring vital air into her suffocating lungs.

Tense!

The room was rather a small house spelled so the inside was large enough for her to fit in comfortably.

And again, tense!

Aydan frowns asking, somewhat disgruntled, "Why do you have to cook for us all the time, Onee-chan?" (older sister)

Wait, what? You can't just put a translation in because you feel like it. If there's a glossary there's a glossary if not, just... don't do it like this.

III. FAMILY DYNAMICS

I got confused. Firstly, by how much time has passed between this and the first part. She's not acting like a four year old. Originally, her mother was against this whole collar idea, which would suggest that she actually has some compassion for her child. But apparently not. That's puzzling. I find it hard to believe that despite what she may have done she is still their child and presumably they still love her to an extent. I need you to give me a reason why they cannot stand her. Yes, she tried to harm Damien but she was a four year old! Parents often forgive their children for things they do when they were four. I'm pretty sure I was rather appalling when I was four. This whole 'heirs' thing is confusing and it's not helping matters.

Then we come to Damien himself. I'm presuming that a good few years have passed for him to be the one keeping Nastusia with his money. But why does he hate her? Because he has been brought up to hate her? Right now, I'm thinking of the Dursleys in Harry Potter. I'm 90% sure you've read them. Remember Dudley? He liked to bully Harry, yes, he liked to be coddled by his parents, he always saw Harry as a servant - a bit like Nastusia here. But he never meant to do lasting harm. I always used to fight with my brother when we were little- both verbally and physically. But should anything bad have happened to him I would have been upset. No child is so inherently evil as to want to torture someone for the sake of it. So as well as the parents' hatred, I'd like to see Damien's hatred. Is he just a psychopath? Because otherwise I can't think of any child- or any person, for that matter- who would want to torture someone for the sake of it. So I'd like to actually see him as a character.

And lastly- who is Aydan? I didn't know there was a middle child! How can he like Nastusia if Damien hates her so much?

Basically, I think you need to question your own characters' motives. Don't go making things horrible for Nastusia just for the sake of it. All these people are people too, they need to have their own reasonings behind their actions. They need just as much characterisation as Nastusia herself for this to work.

(Also, I just read the review above me, apologies for the double Rowling references. Think of... Fanny's cousins in Mansfield Park. Or Jane Eyre's cousins -although, her cousin really was a bit psychotic. But even then her aunt grew out of i- I'm rambling. But look at the examples all around you).

II. OVERALL

This was an interesting follow-up! A couple of things threw me off- especially the whole modern-day thing. With the toaster and the milk and all. I thought this was in a fantasy world! You might want to reconcile this with the first chapter in that respect.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x