Young Writers Society

I remember a girl who sat near a river bank hugging a teddy bear. The flowing water reflected the clouds of which the girl thought it was just cotton candies pasted on the vast blue sky. As the wind blew behind her, strands of her wavy hair tickled her stained-tear cheeks. Her eyes were swollen and her sweat broke out on her forehead and crawled down like a spider down her face. She had been crying for half an hour and she was getting tired. She bit her lips and wiped her tears but she could not help it- it was like a waterfall running on her little face.

"Please don't cry anymore, dear. You're hurting me when I see you like this." The girl's mother around in her late thirties knelt down beside her. As the mother bent closer to her, the girl felt her mother's brown curl locks hanging over her shoulder. Her mother's strawberry perfume caressed her nose and she felt her body lightened up a bit.

"Mama, when will he come back?" The girl looked up to her mother- her eyes like Uranus- with anticipation of a hopeful answer.

"I don't know, darling." The mother ran her fingers through her daughter's hair- it was as if she was smoothing out a silky white dress. She knew this would happen but there was nothing she could do. Explaining everything to her daughter would just make things more complicated than what it seemed to be now. And she was too young to know such personal and difficult information. She kissed her daughter's forehead and wrapped her arms around her.

"Is he going to heaven, Mama?" The girl hugged her knees closer to her chest- crumpling the teddy bear between.

The mother gave out a sigh. "There are two paths, dear, and apparently, your father chose the one that was bad for him and for us," her mother paused and blinked back the tears escaping from her eyes," but don't worry, the two of us are walking on the right one."

The girl sniffed and held her mother's hand. "If I'm going to heaven then I won't be happy."

"Why?" The mother looked down at her daughter with wrinkled forehead.

The girl gazed up and saw a flock a swans covering the sky. She heard the leaves rustling and falling at the same time around the two of them. Her grip to her mother's hand got tighter. "Because papa won't be there."




I remember that girl was me.

Wow. Beautiful. I love the sadness in the story and small glimpse of hope. I will be reading Chapter 1 when it comes out! Great description. Only, I would like to imagine the setting and main characters more. And also, more background information would help. I realize this is the prologue though, so maybe you'll do so in Chapter 1!
Great writing!

Okay so to start off you really need to re-read this and fix all the mistakes. I can't really be bothered pointing all them out, but there are a lot! Moving on from that.

Okay so to be honest, I found this...boring? It didn't have enough in it to make me want to read more. Also, I would highly recommend you introduce the girl's name somewhere in your prologue. You could incorporate it into the conversation with her mum.

I'm not entirely sure where you are going with this story, as in what will class it as fantasy, but I am interested in reading what happened to her father and why he was travelling on the path to what I assume is hell.

Apart from the above, I thought this was a pretty good prologue, it just needed more to get me interested in a bit more.I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, wasn't intending it to be!

On a side & happier note, I really like your writing style, but just be sure to proofread all your work three or four times before submitting! Happy writing

Hey Yuri-chan! *big hug* I'd have to hunt you down if you weren't going to write stuff. Seriously.

The flowing water reflected the clouds of which the girl thought it waswere just cotton candies pasted on the vast blue sky.

I like how you tried your hand at imagery-but seriously speaking, this had a sentence structure problem. Alright, now you read the sentence with the corrections, and it would make much more sense.

Her eyes were swollen and her sweat broke out on her forehead and crawled down like a spider down her face.

You used 'down' twice and its not even required two times.

The girl's mother, around in her late thirties, knelt down beside her.

Her mother's strawberry perfume caressed her nose and she felt her body lightened up a bit.

The girl looked up to her mother- her eyes like Uranus- with anticipation of a hopeful answer.

I liked this imagery.

Overall:

Since this is a prologue, I won't really nit-pick much or input my ideas on you. Prologues are a place wherein you can have a simple writing, but the way you write it must grab a readers' attention. And that being said, it did. I mean, it was nice reading about a girl-there was nothing really special in it-but the way you ended it made me feel-'wow, she did have something great in her mind.' So, you really conquered this aspect.

Otherwise, I am still intrigued to know how the whole title of the story is relevant and would be used in the forthcoming chapters. I'm very much liking the name. There's a film by the name The Butterfly on the Wheel. So, it depends on you how you bring in the title of the story relevantly into the story.

There were some small errors then and now in the sentences, but I assume everybody has it in the first draft-and who can account to it better than me? lol. So, just catch them, I've done some, and you'd be fine.

Now, I'd have to commend you for creating a place, a scene without throwing heaps of descriptions at us, like I normally do. So, good work. However, my problem here is that your descriptions were kind of cliched-I mean I'd have loved if you had added that extra spice to them yourselves. You know describing clouds, leaves, lake is very cliched-but you can't possible avoid them in a place where your characters are-so you twist them, give them your own hint. I did like the thing you did with clouds though. Id' like that kind of description. Don't overdo, but bring out original ideas in them.

For example, when you said 'vast blue sky', you could have added in your taste and maybe written- 'vast cobalt sky' or something in those lines. You know only when you enjoy describing, things would look appealing to your readers.

I'd like to end the review by saying that the story is definitely interesting, and I'd like to know what would happen-so keep posting. But somehow, I felt the writing was a bit stiff and simple, but then as I said prologues can be like that. So, don't really stress your brain over it and continue with your story. I'm sure you'd do wonders with it.

I hope I helped you and not confused you.

Do let me know if you have questions or need help; I'd love to do both of them.

Love,
Mia