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Aster



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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 19
Sat Nov 05, 2011 4:51 pm
21WhiteRoses says...



~So I decided to add a new character to the novel I'm writing. This is her intro into the story I guess. I'm really bad at writing events in order so I don't really know what part of the book this will be in. Anyway, its a little rough, I know. I tend to leave details out that I have in my mind so if there are any parts that seem unclear please say so :) by the way I know it ends rather quikly. That's just 'cause there is more that I didn't feel like typing haha. I might add it in later. ~


Aster was different from most girls her age. When they would giggle and gossip, she would sit in the shade and wish for a new life. She was raised in a beautiful palace where Her father and mother were king and queen. Everyone pampered and protected her to a level that she found unbearable. Life at the palace bored her. Nothing exciting or surprising happened. Each day played on like the one before.
But one day that life changed. A gang of raiders rode in through the iron gates and set everything on fire and slaughtered those who stood in their way. Aster's mother held her tight in her arms in the royal bedroom. The poor woman's face was tortured with fear. Aster's own face was placid and rather bored. Suddenly the doors were kicked open and the gang's leader walked in. His silver eyes scanned the room slowly. As the passed over Aster and her mother, the woman whimpered. His gaze met Aster's and lingered for a moment. Then he proceeded wordlessly to the other side of the room. He began rifling through the contents of dresser drawers and stuffing anything of good value into a worn bag.
While his back was turned, the Aster's mother made an attempt to escape, dragging her along. However, just as she reached the doorway the man spun around and launched a blade across the room. It embedded itself into her forehead and she dropped to the ground with a haunting thump. Aster and the man locked eyes for a long moment. Then he said,
“Why is there no fear in your eyes?” A crow cawed loudly outside the window.
“Fear?” Aster asked having never known it. The man turned back around to finish raiding the dressers.
“What is your name?” he asked over his shoulder.
“My name is Aster.” she replied promptly. He enjoyed the sound of her voice. It was like smoke: Soothing, melodious, and dark. He turned around and looked at her again. He judged her to be about seventeen or eighteen. Her milky white face was framed by hair like night, and her lips were bright crimson. But what most fascinated him was her dazzling turquoise eyes. He decided he wanted her in his company.
“Would you like to come with me?” He said taking a step toward her and holding out his hand. She stared into his eyes a moment. He too captivated her. She stepped over her mother's body and placed her hand in his. The man's smile widened. “Very good.” By now the fire had began to make its way to the highest floor of the palace. He led her to a window and opened it wide. He then scooped her off the ground and climbed out the window. He effortlessly jumped down onto the ground. Such a feat would have butchered a normal man's legs,, but he rose with ease and set the princess back on her feet. He whistled, signaling his men to mount their horses. He carefully placed aster on his own horse and climbed up behind her.
“Hey Akito, what's with the girl?” A gang member asked.
“This is the princess Aster. She will be joining us now.” Akito replied. Then he kicked his horse and led his men out of the gate at a full gallop.
Aster, who had never ridden a horse before, found herself smiling for the first time in weeks as she watched the ground race under her and felt the power of the animal as its hooves beat into the ground. After a while the group finally stopped and set up camp deep in a forest.
Last edited by 21WhiteRoses on Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"But death and darkness in that instant closed the eyes of Argos, who had seen his master, Odysseus, after twenty years...."
  





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Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:04 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



Hmmm, I'm going to have to think about what I said so let me tell you what's coming to mind right now. I like it but I would like it even more if it wasn't so short and if it's appearance could change.

While his back was turned, the aster's mother made an attempt to escape, dragging her along. However, just as she reached the doorway the man spun around and launched a blade across the room. It embedded itself into her forehead and she dropped to the ground with a haunting thump. Aster and the man locked eyes for a long moment. Then he said, “Why is there no fear in your eyes?” A crow cawed loudly outside the window. “Fear?” Aster asked having never known it. The man turned back around to finish raiding the dressers. “What is your name?” he asked over his shoulder. “My name is Aster.” she replied promptly. He enjoyed the sound of her voice. It was like smoke: Soothing, melodious, and dark. He turned around and looked at her again. He judged her to be about seventeen or eighteen. Her milky white face was framed by hair like night, and her lips were bright crimson. But what most fascinated him was her dazzling turquoise eyes. He decided he wanted her in his company. “Would you like to come with me?” He said taking a step toward her and holding out his hand. She stared into his eyes a moment. He too captivated her. She stepped over her mother's body and placed her hand in his. The man's smile widened. “Very good.” By now the fire had began to make its way to the highest floor of the palace.


Yeah, you put some of your dialogue within this paragraph and that could easily disrupt your readers so look that over. Also, I would have liked a description of this place they went to and stuff. What also would be good would be to start off all peacefull and stuff and then BAMN! their village gets attacked. That's how I would have done it but it's your story. Good luck and keep writing.
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Sun Nov 06, 2011 5:17 am
inthebeginning says...



Okay so this has a rather interesting storyline, however I felt like towards the end it was a bit rushed. You started saying things matter-of-factly. Like when her mother was killed by a knife in her head?

I think for that bit in particular you need to 'refine' it. Is people dying like that a normal occurence in the village? If not, then why did she almost seem to accept what happened without any emotion. You need to talk more about her relationship with her mother and just her family in general so we can understand why she doen't care that the castle is being attacked.

Also, there were a few grammatical and spelling errors that i picked up, so if I were you I'd go through and proofread it again. Apart from those things I thought that this story was interesting and I look forward to reading more! (:
  








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