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Scion [Chapter 1]



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Sat Oct 22, 2011 4:05 pm
Spitfire says...



Well hey whoever's reading! This is the beginning of a dragon story I've started writing. I hope you like it, but mostly that you'll give a good thorough reviews..
Any help is appreciated :)

Chapter 1

I walked down a dimly lit hall, the slap of shoes on concrete reverberating off the walls. My heart felt as though it was lodged in my throat, rendering me speechless from the moment I descended the airplane. And if that weren’t enough, my head was spinning from all the mad thinking I’d been doing lately. I couldn’t help but feel worse the closer we got to our destination. Should I have come here?

“Renée?”

I glanced to my left at my uncle, only then realizing I’d ceased moving. He simply stood there, as silent as the grave, watching me. Having gone through the same thing as I was about to – if I got there – he knew there was nothing he could say that would reassure me. Time was the only thing that could help; time to think things through.

Unfortunately, several months had passed since I found out I was a DracoScion and I still wasn’t sure what to do. This wasn’t like going to a faraway college for a couple of years; if I took part in this ceremony, it’ll change the rest of my life.

Suddenly Uncle Jim grabbed my arm and pulled me roughly to his side. I glanced up at him, but his green eyes were focused elsewhere. Then two men, one in his forties and then other more or less my age, passed beside us and stopped.
“Moylan,” the older one greeted with a slight bow of his head. Uncle greeted him in return. “I’d like to introduce you to my son, Drake,” he indicated proudly.

A snort escaped me before I could hold it in. Naming your kid, a dragon descendant, Drake, knowing full well it means “dragon”? Very tacky.

Drake and his father, however, did not share my amusement. “And who are y-” Drake started, but his father interrupted him.

“You’re one of the half-springs.” A creepy smile spread across his and his son’s face.

I didn’t know what that meant, but by their reactions you could tell it wasn’t a compliment. What's more was that Uncle didn’t deny it, which seemed to make them all the happier.

Drake took a step closer to me. “Make sure to let me know when it’s your turn; I want to see your face when you’re rejected.” And with that, they both chuckled and moved further down the hallway.

I watched them go, wishing I could rip their hair out of their sockets. “What’s a half-spring?” I asked Jim.

He scratched his beard and looked away from them. “It doesn’t matter.”

Yet I could tell in his tone that something was wrong. “Yes, it does,” I said as fiercely as I could.

“Forget it.”

“No! Tell me!”

“I’m not going to!”

“Well I-“

Suddenly Jim threw his hand up, halting what I was going to say. Three young adults, two girls and one boy, passed by us. Once they were out of earshot, I pushed away his big hand. “Just tell me, will you?” I hissed. Normally I’d never get angry with my Uncle, especially at the size he was, but today I was making an exception.

With a sigh, he looked at me. “It means impure. It’s diminutive of ‘half the offspring’.”

“Huh? But how am I-“And then it dawned on me. “It’s because of mom, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “Scions usually marry and mate other Scions, to keep the dragon bloodline. To wed a regular human is considered beneath us.”

I noted that he said 'us' and not 'them'. “Should I even be doing this then? I mean, if I’ve got only half the bloodline, I might not even be chosen-“

Jim bent down to meet my eyes directly, putting a pale hand on my shoulder. “Your father gave up his upbringing for your mother; that was his choice. However this is your decision. You can go through with the ceremony or not.”
I thought about it. My dad had told me great stories of dragons when I was a little girl. I’d been in love with them, a fantasy I’d hoped would one day come true. But now, now that I was an adult and could become part of their world, I was scared.

I hadn’t been brought up as other scions had, conscious of my bloodline and destiny. I’d been told less than a year ago, in my tiny living room, by an uncle I barely knew, what I really was. I knew only what I’d been able to get out of him, which was very little as I seldom saw him. From the way Jim talked though, I had the feeling that this could be the best thing I ever did with my life. If I was chosen.

“I’ll do it.”

Jim looked somewhat relieved, yet still he pushed. “Don’t feel obliged; nobody’s forcing you.”
I inhaled deeply. “I know. But I’ll regret it forever if I don’t.” With that, I restarted my walk down the hall, this time much more determined.

As we finally reached the end of the “almost-never-ending-hall”, an enormous door rested there, guarded by two guards. And when I say ‘guard’ I mean the complete opposite of what you’d normally imagine. These were average looking men, not big muscled bald brutes. I guess power of this kind isn’t measured by physical strength.

As we approached, Uncle saluted them both and they returned the gesture, obviously recognizing him. I was a different story though.

“We’ll need some identification,” the one to the right said, extending his hand.

I was surprised by the request. “O-okay.” I fished through my purse and wallet, grabbed my driver’s license and handed it to him. “I wasn’t expecting something so...”

“Human?” The second one said with a chuckle. “We are only Whisps; we don’t use our powers for everything.”

I would’ve pressed the issue, but the first guard cleared me and opened the door for us to move along. Bye bye too-bright hallway and hello... one hell of a dreary room. I grimaced. Whoever designed this place must've been bipolar.

Entering the area, we found ourselves in what looked to be a show room. Straight before us was a platform stage, too little to bear many people and several feet high. And as you’d expect, rows of chairs were lined up in front of it, most of them already occupying people. Although those things were normal, the eerie vibes coming from the people were not. Everyone was huddled into little groups, talking gravely to one another, always casting worried glances over their shoulders. You’d think we were in a political meeting with all the paranoia bouncing off the walls.

We moved into the circulation, zigzagging through the crowd until we reached chairs. We settled down and waited for a few moments before Jim left to greet some friends. I remained seated, preferring to watch the fifty or so people around me then make conversation I cared nothing for. Then something came to my attention; they all looked alike! Fair complexions, pale hair and eyes, plain clothing and the same stoic expression, although some had it better than others. Very few had other physical traits, and I guessed that they were half-breeds like me.

I, on the other hand, resembled my mother; dark curly hair and light mocha skin. The only things I took from my father were his narrow jaw and blue eyes. I was usually considered a “cute” kind of girl, someone who usually blended in easily. However, in this particular mass, I seemed to have a large “Freak” sign stuck to my face.

Within minutes the last people arrived, and guard number 1 followed them inside the room and shut the door. As soon as he closed it, everyone scrambled to their seat, like students would at a teacher’s arrival.

Once every person had gained their place, the guard turned his attention to the door. He pressed a palm against it and chanted softly. I sat too far away to hear him, but could see well enough the bluish glow escaping his hand. It was like ice, slowly freezing the wooden door and then its frame. In seconds the whole thing was covered.

It was only the second time I’d witnessed someone using magic; the first time being when Uncle Jim had frozen my cat to prove to me dragons really did exist. Then and now still, I watched, too enthralled to allow myself to miss a single detail. It was over too soon.

I scrutinized the guard as he turned his back to the door, looking straight at the stage. As if on signal, an old man, dressed in large navy robes, marched up on stage. He held a microphone in hand and prompted to screech “Welcome!” through it as he reached the center of the platform. After a collective cringe, he was kind enough to speak on a lower level.

“Welcome, brethren, to another Season of Choosing!” At that there was excited cheering and clapping. “For those Chosen in years passed, I bid you enjoy this precious evening and pray you keep your members to yourself.”

Many among the crowd laughed, although I found nothing humorous about what he said. Uncle leaned into me. “One of the Whisps, a couple of years ago, used his powers to make us believe his son was Chosen, when he was clearly not going to be. He was stupid enough to think we wouldn’t notice the trail of ice on the floor coming from him.” He chuckled deeply. “It was pathetic, really.”

I glanced at Jim, surprised at his reaction to the event. The man had obviously wanted to make his kid part of this society, and he was being humiliated for trying to do so. I'd think of it as loving.

“However, we are not here for you old-timers,” the elderly man continued. “It is time for us to greet the next generation and convey a new world to them.” He paused for a short time, adding a nice touch of drama to his speech.

“As well you know, the Season of Choosing is a period in which the Draco Occidentalis Maritimus deem worthy certain of their scions with pieces of themselves. There are three elements to which they can transfer onto you should one choose to do so. The third title is given to Whisperers. As users of the most instinctive powers, they can call upon dragon power to protect the treasures of life.”

Dozens of people stood then, displaying themselves as Whisps. With a small pat of the elderly man’s hand, they reclaimed their seats. He carried on as though nothing happened.

“Then there are the seekers of information, the Astrals, who can journey to their dragon’s plane of existence.” And just like the time before, several people –including Uncle Jim- rose up, although not as many as the first time. I figured by then that it was traditional to have the Chosen recognized among the younger ones.

Seconds later, everything was calm again. “And finally there are Souls, the most formidable of us all, vessels for the very dragons they descend from.” This time, only one man and woman arose. They both thanked everyone for the soft clapping they received, before turning praise of their own to the man on stage. Everyone else followed suit. He was obviously a head honcho here.

“Thank you,” the old man said softly. “Except now is not the time for applause. We have scions that are patiently waiting to be Chosen. However,” suddenly the lightness in his tone disappeared, “if you are not Chosen, you are to depart this area immediately and never approach any of us again. Failure to do so will entail grave consequences.” I could practically feel the nasty vibrations he was giving off.

Then he plastered a large grin on his face. “Shall we begin?”
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Sat Oct 22, 2011 5:15 pm
Lauren2010 says...



Hi Suz! Here as requested :)

You have no idea how pumped I am that you're posting your writing again. So excited! And dragons are pretty freakin' awesome too. ^^

“Moylan,” the older one greeted with a slight bow of his head. Uncle greeted him in return. “I’d like to introduce you to my son, Drake,” he indicated proudly.

I was confused at first to who was talking. I thought it was Uncle, but then he said Drake and then I was confused about whether the MC was a girl or a boy and it was just a wonderfully confusing time. xD Maybe cut the "Uncle greeted him in return" or put it after the older guy's second bit of dialogue so we know who is saying what.

I watched them go, wishing I could rip their hair out of their sockets.

I think you have "hair out of their heads/scalps/skulls" mixed with "eyes out of their sockets" xD

“Human?” The second one said with a chuckle. “We are only Whisps; we don’t use our powers for everything.”

What are Whisps? Are they the same as the Whisperers? Even after the Whisperer explanation, I'm not really clear on what the Whisps powers are and how this claim here makes sense at all. It seems like this guys line should have a sort of impact that it doesn't due to lack of information given to the reader.

And as you’d expect, rows of chairs were lined up in front of it, most of them already occupying people. Although those things were normal, the eerie vibes coming from the people were not. Everyone was huddled into little groups, talking gravely to one another, always casting worried glances over their shoulders.

It's always better to show what's going on than tell what's going on. The bolded section here is essentially telling what is shown in the lines before and after it. I would cut the bolded line, and adjust the last line a bit so it fits flow-wise with the first and call it a day. ;)


So I really liked this. I love how you work with the dragons and the old tradition they have but how they're functioning in a modern world. I loved the use of the microphone, the set-up of where they're holding the ceremony (chairs in front of a stage) and just everything about it. I think it works really well for this story so far, and is a good twist to the typical sort of dragon story.

The only things I wish I had more of are I wish I knew more about the whole situation Renee is in. Right now I'm kind of just going along figuring some things out along the way but it might benefit the reader to be given a bit more information about what exactly Renee is, what it means to take on this role as a dragon, etc. Some of it might be worked into following chapters, so I'm not too worried yet, but it's just something on my mind right now.

I'd also love to get a bit more of not only Renee's personality but her Uncle's personality. We get some right now, and it's all really good and really well presented throughout the chapter but I want more! Haha! It's the first chapter, and I'm not feeling an entirely strong sympathy for her yet, and I feel like in this situation it would be really easy to build sympathy from the start for Renee and what she's going through. I don't want to see her victimized, but seeing her struggle a little more with this apparently huge decision would really benefit her.

That's all I have to say! Great chapter, and definitely let me know when you post more!!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:06 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey, there Suz!
So, I'm really excited that you decided to post this, it seems like yesterday we were discussing this on your wall. xD
Anyway, let's get on to the review, eh? I only have just a few nitpicks for you which we'll start off with.

Nitpicks


if I took part in this ceremony, it’ll change the rest of my life.

I keep thinking that "it'll" should be "it would". Is that right? I'm not exactly sure on that...
A snort escaped me before I could hold it in. Naming your kid, a dragon descendant, Drake, knowing full well it means “dragon”? Very tacky.

Yes for characterism!
I was beginning to think that this was going to be a little bit bland but apparently that wasn't the case. I'm glad you worked in some 'real' feelings and pumped some life into your character this early on. Trust me, little short thoughts such as this that also give off information is awesome and can really elevate your story.
Drake took a step closer to me. “Make sure to let me know when it’s your turn; I want to see your face when you’re rejected.” And with that, they both chuckled and moved further down the hallway.

This part seems oddly comical... not in a good way, more in a weird not very professional way, if you know what I mean.
Actually, I noticed that the conversation after Drake and his father leave with her Uncle Jim seems to make your character seem rather childish. She's yelling for information and doesn't do it calmly and that gives off a rather negative feeling like someone a whiny child. That said, be careful with her emotions and how they will be perceived by the audience.

Overall


Alright so overall this has a pretty solid idea behind it and it's all very interesting. I see this having some potential so keep it up!
Other than that, I do have a few little things that I want to point out. Firstly, we can talk about the opener. When I first read it, it had that sort of twilight appeal to it. And don't get me wrong, in no day and age do I compare this to twilight but that's what I though when she questioned her choice of coming out to this 'choosing' ritual thing as a scion. Other than that, it was an okay opener but I felt like the questioning of 'the choice made to go somewhere' has been done before in countless other novels. I'd like a new, refreshing opener to a dragon novel.

If we continue reading onto the second paragraph, I got lost inside of it. For example, I felt like there was too much of there's and that and talking about things that I really didn't get so that kinda threw me off a little but then again, that could always just be me. *Shrugs*

You have a fast paced first chapter too. You meet Drake, who seems to be her rival in a sense and then there are emotions of her dilemma and whether or not she made the right choice and then you go ahead and explain who half spring is and all. Actually, let's skip all that and get straight to the core of what I'm trying to say here. Although, action wise, it's not fast paced, emotion wise, I feel like it is. We've got some pretty solid stuff here that probably needs more attention. Like, why does she seriously want to do this when she barely has any idea what she's really getting herself into? I think you might need to dive into that a little more and expand on her feelings.

Oh, and just for the heck of it. The whole choosing ceremony/ritual thing kind of reminds me of that one Harry Potter scene in the first movie/book where the hat had to choose which house they belonged in. I'm totally aware that this is two different things and that there aren't really 'houses' or anything but it just sort of reminded of that and I thought it was cool. :3

All in all, it's pretty easy to understand at some points but it's still confusing because we've got many different kind of 'species' I guess, I would call it - such as Scions, Souls, Whisps and I for one, don't really have any idea what they really are! You might want to give us little pits and pieces of information that will sort of tell us in a quick sentence what they really do and any other information can be leaked out in the following chapters. Does that make sense?

I hope this review helped some and I still enjoy what you've put on the table, I'll be more than happy to read the next part so be sure to let me know when you post it! ^__^ And let me know if you have questions!

All the best,
-Pink
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Sun Oct 23, 2011 8:30 pm
WaitingForLife says...



Damn you for cutting the chapter off at that point, damn you real good. :D Now you've got me hooked and waiting for the next part.

I usually do nit-picks last, but because I don't have many, I decided I'd just put them out there.

Suddenly Uncle Jim grabbed my arm and pulled me roughly to his side.

I didn't like 'suddenly' here after the whole giving us the background thing; it seemed unprofessional, per say. I'd go with something on the lines of Renee starting to struggle against it/being annoyed but then freezing when she sees the look in her uncle's eyes. That'd give Renee some spunk too, an air of I-can-do-it-myself kinda deal. Just a thought. ;)

“Human?” The second one said with a chuckle. “We are only Whisps; we don’t use our powers for everything.”

Maybe it's just me, but I don't get the bolded part. Why would/how could they use their powers here? I'm confused. x)

Then something came to my attention; they all looked alike!

The exclamation mark here brings into my mind a little girl pointing and stating, 'Oh look! This is important!', with a pudgy little smile. Maybe not the image you'd want to be going here for.

And I loved your last sentence.
----------------

Nit-picks done! Told you there weren't many. I really like your idea here, and eventhough I can guess where this is going, I can't wait to read the next part. I'm a huge sucker for dragons myself and have always wanted to write a story about them but never had had the time nor patience to get to it. Thus I soak up cool dragon stories like this one and take the easy way out. :D

This whole scene brings to mind Harry Potter, with Drake and the different Chosen (Draco and the houses), but I don't percieve it as a problem. As long as you don't start throwing around Avada Kedavras you should be fine in that regard. It worked in that book, I'm sure it'll work in this. I have to say I really like the different factions you portrayed and the fact that there weren't three million of them all surging up into my face at the same time, but a good, solid three. As far as my knowledge is concerned, unique and interesting.

I'm really psyched about reading what you've done with your dragons. We already get a little clue in this chapter, when you state that one of the factions can enter the dragon's world, which implies they have their own dimension where the do all sorts of dragony stuff. It'll be interesting to find out how they play when concerning this world, which seems to be the normal every-day world, judging by the driver's liscence. This would then hint at there not being much dragon-riding happening outside the mind. Speculations, speculations. All this from one chapter, well done indeed.

This might actually be the first piece I've read from you and I have to say I really enjoy your style. You've got a good amount of descriptions and your dialogue's solid. This can go places, but keep your dragons special or you'll have to hear from me! :D

Do blatantly advertise the next part in my vincinity when you post it. :)
Out.

|Life|
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Wed Oct 26, 2011 2:32 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey baby girl,

Sorry it took me so long but there was no way I was doing this on my ipod. Not even for you. :P

This chapter...I'm on the fence with. I like the way you introduced us to the world of Scion. But a few things bother me.

Some people have compared this to Twilight. And Harry Potter. And I'm fine with that. I personally didn't get that vibe. What I was thinking was '"Oh, god, not another story about a character who's treated like crap and will prove everyone wrong'. "And not another story of this underdog being super powerful."

But...I reminded myself how much you hate cliched stories and I trust you'll steer your characters away from the obvious path (no pressure, though:P)

That being said, what I disliked was the lack of your characters personalities. Renée acted like a spoiled brat toward her uncle, -even though he'd bigger than her?? What does that have to do with anything?-

Why hasn't he explained her origins to her? Didn't he know what she'd be facing?

Except for that snort she gives, nothing of her gave way for some personality. She instantly dislikes Drake and his father, and wants to rip his eyes/hair out, even though she doesn't understand why/how he insulted her.
Right now, she just looks like a temperamental brat who's always willing to pick a fight.

This is a fast-paced chapter, yes, but really, nothing happens. She tells us everything. That she's known about her true identity for a year now, that she didn't really know her uncle, that her parents don't seem to be around, that she's different than everybody else.

Except for the 'showroom', there isn't much description here, and that bothered me. Is Jim her father's brother? Do they look alike? Is her heart clenching at the thought that her father should have been there with her, should have been the one to teach her of her heritage?

May I ask why you chose to have the story start at this particular place and time? Is it necessary for her to have found out about her heritage one year before? Why not the night before? Have the story start with Jim telling her about her lineage. I think that would help us sympathise with your character, by seeing how she reacts to this situation. Then, the choosing ceremony could happen the next day.

Her mind would be full of everything she's learned and we'd see her reactions instead of you telling us about them.

Anywho. I don't want to sound like I'm telling you how to write your story. I know you're good at this, and you usually do everything for a reason, so I will trust your judgement.

I really am intrigued by this dragon world you've created and am looking forward to reading more.

I love you.
  





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Sun Oct 30, 2011 3:13 pm
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Auntie! Here for a review as requested -- sorry it's taken me a little while to get to.

All right, so for starters, I'm really excited to see where you take this. I love dragons (as if you didn't know XD ) and I'm ready to see some scaly creatures! It seems like you've put a lot of thought and detail into this setting, which I appreciate; it's always enjoyable reading a novel in which the world is really thought out and organized well.

I felt like you could have used more descriptions of the setting; I wasn't quite sure where they were, since I didn't have an idea of their surroundings except for a hallway. Was this a normal building used specifically by these Scions? Was this some hidden convention? It'd be nice to know a little more about the setting, just so we have something useful to base our ideas of events and such on.

Your introduction to Drake was a little quick; I think you could slow it down, give a bit more detail and such, and it would flow better instead of feeling so rushed. Also, as I think some people have mentioned, I was reminded of Harry Potter between the Drake-Draco name and the fact that he's a snotty little thing who's against Halfsprings-Mudbloods. Besides those two parallels, the rest of the story felt fresh and different, so not a worry there. I do like the fact that your character points out the oddity of essentially naming your kid "Dragon"; it added a bit of humor and awareness, which I liked.

You did a good job explaining the different kinds of Scions and their powers, though I'm not quite sure how they tie in to dragons (can you tell I'm anxious to read about them??) and I'm a little wary based on where you take this of it being similar in a way to Eragon, how the riders gain magic through their special bond with the dragon or whatever...but that'll remain to be seen.

Well, that's really all I've got to say! I can't wait 'til the next chapter; let me know when you post it, please! And feel free to bug me about any questions or whatnot you may have about my review.

Cheers!
~Hawk
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psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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