Young Writers Society

Chapter 7: What is this? Amana’s POV

I could smell the smoke before I could see it. The pungent odor makes me shudder as Evelyn holds out a hand to halt us. Her eyes flicker towards the black towers of smoke billowing up into the atmosphere.

I watch with vague unease at the soldiers burning down the village and pillaging. Deep within I felt my heart burning with detest for their violent ways. As I watch hopelessly as a young girl was yanked up by one of the attackers I could feel something evil crawling against my skin. Shivering at the uncomfortable sensation I notice Evelyn’s eyes as she lunges forward.

The vibrant amber causes me to step back in fear. Every instinct screaming for me to run. Run from this..this person. I could feel the darkness within her creeping up from it’s locked position. Gasping I struggle to breathe as I felt an overwhelming presence of sheer power rolling off as she held within her hand a glowing ball of something, something powerful.

I watch in bewilderment and amazement as the sphere shoots ropes of light out in all directions. Hesitantly I edge forward and notice the jagged wound on her side. Eyes darkening in worry I watch as the chains wrap themselves securely around the opposing fighters.

As I grew in close of the edge of town I can sense something off about Evelyn. The wound almost looked like it was eating through the bonds restricting the dark...evil thing within. Fear crawls through me as her face brings out into a smirk of pure desire. The craving for revenge floods through her as she turns to the invaders, “I am Yami!”

Struggling to hold on I take a step back. The crawling sensation only spikes as I feel the same evil presence swirling within Perdita. Swallowing hard I force myself to concede the truth that no matter what they would always be threats. ‘Just like the others.’ My heart whispers to me as I silently berate myself for thinking I could trust anyone but her.

This Yami personality turns to Perdita and grins with sick glee. Eyes twinkling he whispers compellingly, “Bring out, Mother.”

‘Who is Mother?’ I ponder absently. Just as the question enters my mind its answered by the sudden cold crawling over my flesh turning to a feeling painful nagging thorns cutting my body. No longer able to hold it I turn to flee just as the bloodshed begins.

With no remorse in their faces the two girls rush into the battle. Eyes glittering with hunger for battle they spare no mercy on the invaders. Shakily I watch as swiftly the darkness within Evelyn suddenly dim as Yami screams, ““No! I didn’t get to destroy that clan! That worthless clan who hurt us!”

The pure loathing of this clan she spoke of sends chills crawling down my spine. But relief courses through me as I notice that her eyes were back to normal. Just as she turns to face us the gaze turns vacant as she falls to the ground, the wound in her side bleeding heavily.

Hey this seems like a real good book you got coming along. I dont think many people review it yet though because they probably don't understand the intensity or complex nature that spirals throughout this thing. I like what you've got going on here, really this is my first time looking at the book and im already impressed. Your creative and i dont have much to really criticize you on. I do have one suggestion though. The lines you used towards the end were kind of like forced out.

Soulkana wrote:With no remorse in their faces the two girls rush into the battle. Eyes glittering with hunger for battle they spare no mercy on the invaders.

you used battle twice with only like 5 words between them, and when you said spare no mercy it just seemed like there could have been something more creative or descriptive of just how serious the situation was. Otherwise great job i look forward to the next chapter!

I really enjoy your writing, something about the way you write seems to be read of the page with such ease! It was truly a brilliant chapter with a great sense of creativity! I have read the other ones and feel, I think this is definitely one of the best so far.
As I watch hopelessly as a young girl was yanked up by one of the attackers I could feel something evil crawling against my skin. - This sentence seemed to go on for too long- maybe add a comma in-between yanked up by one of the attackers, I could feel...
I'm also not sure about the tense you were writing in, I think a lot more description can come into a past tense but if you are more confutable writing this way than up to you
Your language is good, but maybe add some more delicate words into the text, anyways loved it am totally looking forward to the next couple of chapters
Love,
Evenslily x