Young Writers Society

I looked toward Sarah, who was sneaking through the trees toward Walter. Snow was falling and covering the ground. The trees were starting to get frosty, and the air was crisp. It was the end of fall, beginning of winter, and light still shown pretty much every hour of the day in Alaska. Snow was an unexpected surprise, since it was usually dark. Not that any of us minded. That was why we lived in Alaska! We wouldn’t be easily discovered and we could be ourselves without fear. (Walter’s favorite part because then he didn’t have to wear jeans and fake feet.)Even though it was snowing, Sarah, Nate, and I didn’t have coats on. We didn’t need them unless it was thirty degrees below freezing. Well that was mine, Sarah’s was twenty-five degrees below freezing and Nate’s was twenty degrees below freezing. If Sarah was a normal fire elf she would only be able to handle fifteen degrees below freezing for a period of time. She can handle a lower degree because she met me and I started to help her build up an immunity. I think Xavier had helped some to by taking her to the Shadow Realm every now and then, but I couldn’t be sure. We could survive in those temperatures for a while without winter-weather gear.
I was sneaking through the frost covered shrubs and trees. Sarah and I knew that Nate was trying to sneak up on Walter too. We were in battle training. Everybody had a shirt of light chain-mail on and a “sword”. Sarah and I usually made our weapons of choice look like swords. (Elves had enough magic to do some of the less complex spells.) Sarah’s weapon was a staff. Her staff had slightly pointed tips with elvish written up and down its length. The runes glowed gently when she wasn’t using it in battle. Just fancy decoration that was carved into the shadow metal. The metal had come from the Shadow Realm. Xavier had brought it back and had made it for her as gift. When she was using it, the runes looked like a fire was moving through them. In fact, there actually was fire moving through them that came from her. She could launch fire balls, a stream of fire, and more from each tip of the staff. It was similar to my scythe. Sarah and I hadn’t told Walter or Nate that we were using our weapons. Nate’s weapon of choice was a sword. Sarah and I could use a sword if we wanted to, but we preferred our own weapons. Walter usually used what ever was nearby, he was good with most weapons. He usually had to go through Nate and Sarah’s training and then go through mine. Then all of us together. Sarah and I worried constantly about him and wanted him to be able to handle almost everything. Sarah, Nate, and myself are immortal, Walter isn’t. Sarah and I are working on that. We talked to the Councils of every species trying to see if we could find a way to do it. If we did it would be a major event. That would be if we told them all of course, Walter wasn’t exactly friends with the Councils. He didn’t remember that, and Sarah and I couldn’t tell him about it.
“I’ll go after Nate. A surprise attack on him will catch both of them off guard.” I thought to her.
“No. We should take them separately. I’ll take Nate down quietly enough, so Walter doesn’t hear. Then, you can take Walter out. After you do that we should both chew him out for getting distracted during battle training. He should know better by now. He’s lucky that this wasn’t a real battle.”
I prepared to respond to her, and argue with her, until I glanced her way. She just shook her head, but before we could do anything we heard Nate. Turning back to look at the boys, we decided at the exact same moment to just stay low and see what happened. Nate came up behind Walter and prepared to blast him. Walter seemed to come back to the world with a jolt, but not before Nate hit him on the butt with a fire ball. Walter ran off like a shot from Nate. Sarah and I followed them for ten minutes before I stepped out of the trees with my “sword” (a.k.a my scythe that I’d made look like a sword). Walter collided with me.
“Illegal use of magic!” he shouted, gasping for air.
“Game Over.” I said and then I hummed a sweet tune.
An elf’s voice could become something “more”. For a naiad that meant sailors could be lured to their deaths, a person could be put to sleep, and make some who weren’t in the know, suspicious. There was more that could be done, but to list them all would take forever.
Sarah added her voice to the tune, it did the same types of things, except that her’s would make anyone in the vicinity of fire want to step into it, and burn alive. Wood elves made people stay in the forest, and never leave again. It may seem cruel, but elves didn’t always do evil with their voices. The good news was that elves usually had to will their voice to do what they wanted. Meaning, for example, if Sarah wanted you to burn she’d have to will her voice to make you want that. Myth and legend made elves seem evil and always looking for an excuse to do evil. They legends also said that elves would lure an unsuspecting person in, and do variations of killing, slavery, and releasing (the releasing one was always rare in the myths). Most elves, like me and Sarah who weren’t Dark, found the tales amusing. The Council of Light Elves had constructed and spread the myths and legends among humans. The Council of Dark Elves, which had been established by the first Light elves who’d gone Dark, were almost always at war with the Council of Light Elves. The two councils had made a truce a thousand something years ago. During the truce, they’d made the myths and legends together. That truce was over now though, on the upside there was a fragile understanding between them that there wouldn’t be a war...yet. The part about elves being beautiful, sly, and intelligent creatures came from the Dark elves and the rest had been supplied by the Light ones. We watched as Walter crumbled to the ground, out cold. Before Sarah could tell Nate that we were done with training, he hit Walter with a spell that would have knocked him unconscious. I glared at Nate, wondering what had possessed him to do the spell.
“Nate! Why did you do that?!” I shrieked.
“Because this is battle training.” He said, looking like he was thinking about hitting us.
“No, battle training was done when you had hit him with a fire ball.” Sarah said, knowing that’s what I was going to say. An undercurrent of fury in her voice that Nate seemed oblivious to as snow melted around her feet.

Deathcurrent wrote:
I looked toward Sarah, who was sneaking through the trees toward Walter.

how was she sneaking? replace this word with something a little more descriptive, something that implies sneakyness. eg, skulking, lurking

Snow was falling and covering the groundcovered the ground. The trees were starting to get frosty, and the air was crisp. It was the end of fall, beginning of winter, and light still shown pretty much every hour of the day in Alaska. Snow was an unexpectedsurprise, since it was usually dark. Not that any of us minded. That was why we lived in Alaska! We wouldn’t be easily discovered and we could be ourselves without fear. (Walter’s favorite part. because then He didn’t have to wear jeans and fake feet.)Even though it was snowingthrough the snow, Sarah, Nate, and I didn’t haveneed coats on. We didn’t need them unless it was thirty degrees below freezing. Well that was mine, Sarah’s was twenty-five degrees below freezing and Nate’s was twenty degrees below freezing. If Sarah was a normal fire elf she would only be able to handle fifteen degrees below freezing for a period of time. She can handle a lower degree because she met me and I started to help her build up an immunity. I think Xavier had helped some to by taking her to the Shadow Realm every now and then, but I couldn’t be sure. We could survive in those temperatures for a while without winter-weather gear.

So far nothing has happened in this chapter, and the descriptions are too bland and weak to really stand alone.

I was sneaking through the frost covered shrubs and trees.

There it is again, find something better. Also talk about other senses here, talk abut the rigid arms of the trees and the crunching of littered shrubs.

Sarah and I knew that Nate was trying to sneak up on Walter too. We were in battle training. Everybody had a shirt of light chain-mail on and a “sword”. Sarah and I usually made our weapons of choice look like swords. (Elves had enough magic to do some of the less complex spells.) Sarah’s weapon was a staff. Her staff had slightly pointed tips with elvish written up and down its length.

Okay don't say things. Don't just tell us that they are in battle training, we have already determined that.

The runes glowed gentlywhen she wasn’t using it in battle. Just fancy decoration that waswere carved into the shadow metal. The metal had come from the Shadow Realm. Xavier had brought it back and had made it for her as giftIt was a gift from the Shadow Realm, Xavier's gift.

Okay so we get a lot of insight into the characters here, which is good. You are a little hamhanded about it at times, though. For example you say exactly how things happen, when really you must show. When you talk about the elves we get a good pitcure, but when you talk about Sarah's 'sword' and her movements - well almost everything about her - it is not subtle or attractive, you just tell us everything in plain language. Open it wide, really show us and make it a little more florid, through in a few ' likes' and 'as.''

Anyway hope this helps.

JP

Hello once again Deathcurrent,
I saw the title of this chapter and thought, "Man is this going to be funny." But it was a lot more serious than the title implies. Then again, if the story was all fun and games, then there would be no conflict and it would be a bad story.
This one part confused me before I read the rest, so I though it might be good to point it out,

If Sarah was a normal fire elf she would only be able to handle fifteen degrees below freezing for a period of time.

A reader might get confused by this and spend a bit too much time thinking about Sarah's difference from other fire elves. I don't know, I just thought it might be good to point out.