I need all constructive comments and criticism you can give me about this please
Black Rain
Then
“This is so perfect,” Kesi smiled, holding her newborn child in her arms, gazing lovingly into her warm amber eyes. Tarik sat beside her, softly stroking the child’s tiny hand. Her tiny fist grabbed hold of his finger, and he laughed. He had never been so happy in his life before. He had never known he was capable of feeling such strong emotions for one single person. He had always imagined himself as a pacifist; someone who could never hurt another human being. But in that moment he knew that he would do absolutely anything for her. He would kill for her if he had too.
“What should we name her?” Tarik asked, and Kesi looked down once more at her child and the baby blue blanket she was wrapped in. “It should have a meaning.” He continued.
“Lets call her…Amala. It means hope in Arabic. It was my mothers name,” Tarik nodded. He knew how much Kesi’s mother had meant to her. Almost as much as Amala meant to him right now.
“Amala it is then,” he agreed and took Kesi by the hands. He leant in to kiss her, but never got further than centimetres from her cheek.
“Freeze!” They smashed down the door, leaving it splintered and rotten lying on the cold, stone floor. One by one, they ran orderly inside the tiny room and halted sharply in front of Kesi. Amala started to whimper, but Kesi barely noticed. She just held Amala closer to her chest in fright.
Tarik grabbed one of the men by his pristine blue uniform, ripping a shining golden button off. The men laughed harshly, and the one he had grabbed, knocked him savagely to the floor unconscious.
Kesi gasped as she recognized the faces. How was this happening? She had been so careful. She hurriedly tried to conceal Amala underneath the bedcovers but not before the men saw. She wrapped her arms tightly around her daughter, as she began to speak so quietly it was barely audible.
“How did you find me here?” she whispered, her voice shaking with fear. Not for her but for her baby. And what they might do to her. “My father sent you didn’t he?” It wasn’t so much a question, as a statement. She already knew the answer.
One man stepped forward. A complete stranger to most, known only as the Black Rider, but to Kesi he was a man she had grown up with and trusted like a brother. Loved like she loved Tarik.
“So it’s true is it Kesi?” he hissed sourly, directing himself not at Kesi but at Amala. “This is the precious daughter of the great Kesikra Adebele Hakemanssh, is it?”
‘Why are you here Zahur?” she couldn’t bring her eyes to look at him. He sharply grabbed her by the throat and lifted her face to him. She attempted to turn her face away, but he was a lot stronger than she had remembered. She laughed scornfully to herself. Of course he was. It had been three years since she had seen him. The tears began to run down her cheeks as the lack of oxygen started to get to her.
Without warning, he suddenly let go of her throat. She gulped for air, her eyes stinging. He turned away, and spoke to his men, “Come on, let’s go.” They all began to walk out, as Kesi heaved a sigh of relief. They were going to leave them alone. It was all going to be okay.
Just as Zahur reached the knocked down wooden door, he spun around and laughed viciously. “Oops,” he grinned, displaying his large pearly white teeth, almost glowing in the moonlight. They were sharp as daggers, pointed and deadly. “Almost forgot this.”
He made a sudden dash towards Kesi and Amala. Kesi froze on the spot, unable to move as she realised what Zahur was about do. Her eyes widened but still she did not move as Zahur grabbed the wailing baby from her arms and ran.
Tarik awakened only afew moments later, and leapt to his feet ready to fight. But he found no men, no baby, and a completely blank Kesi.
“Kesi? What happened?” he said quietly, not sure he wanted to know the answer.
Kesi looked straight past Tarik, her eyes barely acknowledging him. She didn’t answer, only stared blankly into space as if she didn’t even know what was happening. Her eyes were expressionless, her body rigid and unmoving. Tarik could see something was wrong. Very wrong.
“They took her Tarik,” she murmured, gazing at the empty blanket still lying in her shivering arms. He stepped forward and took hold of her hand. She shook him off, and looked away from him.
“Who took her Kesi? What happened?”
“My baby. They took my baby Tarik.” She looked so bewildered and confused, that it almost annoyed Tarik.
“Kesi, you have to tell me what happened. How else can I help?” he pleaded with her desperately.
Kesi looked down at her feet. For a second he thought she wasn’t going to answer. Then she looked up and said, her eyes brimming with tears, “You can’t do anything now.”
“Why not?” Tarik looked at her, but she looked away. He took hold of her face in his hands, and turned her to face him. When she still didn’t answer he repeated himself, loud and stern “Why not Kesi?”
“It was..” she broke off mid sentence, then stared out the window, a single tear drop falling down her ghostly white cheeks. Tarik bit his lip. “It was my dad Tarik.”
Now
Chapter 1
“We’re going to get caught,” Kesi warned him, and Tarik began to move into position. He turned round to look at her.
“Don’t worry so much Kesi,” he grinned but it was clearly a forced smile, “It’ll be fine. What’s the matter? Don’t you want to get food? Do you want us to starve? Is that it?”
Kesi just looked at him. He hadn’t been the same since that night Amala had been taken. Since then, he had been so much more violent and uncaring. Not towards her, but just in general. He was now a much colder person. Not the friendly loving boy who used to cry at sad films and spent hours in his garden, drawing the landscapes. Not the boy who told her they would always be friends, and he would never leave her. No, someone else had taken his place now. A complete stranger to Kesi.
“Of course I do,” she laughed unconvincingly, “Come on lets go.”
Tarik took his place, out of sight on the busy market place, as Kesi walked forward to an old man selling fruit on a stall. She smiled at him nervously, and he smiled back at her. Was this really how they were going to spend the rest of their lives? Searching, and looking for someone who they would almost definitely never see again?
“Um, can I have five melons please?” she asked, and as the man began to pack everything into a bag for her, Tarik took his chance. He dashed silently behind the stall and grabbed a whole pile of food off it. The man didn’t even notice. He was still talking to Kesi about his life and work, and packing the fruit. Tarik began to run.
“Go, Kesi,” he yelled behind him, and Kesi, much to the stall owner’s surprise, began to speed after Tarik. But she barely got five centimetres.
The man grabbed her by the wrist, and shouted, “Stop!” after Tarik. Tarik turned, only to see Kesi being held at the stall. He looked around uncertainly, frozen to the spot. Everyone on the market place was looking at them, but not one person tried to stop him as he began to move at incredible speed back towards Kesi.
He skidded to a halt, right in front of Kesi and the stall owner. “Let her go,” he hissed at the man ferociously, but the man just laughed at him.
“Give me my food back, and I’ll take you to the police, and let the girl go.” He replied to Tarik, who instantly reacted.
He pulled something out of his jacket. Kesi couldn’t see what it was, but she could guess. A vicious weapon, which could easily take a man’s life in one simple shot. A gun.
People all around the stall started screaming as they saw the pistol. Tarik didn’t even hear. And if he did, he obviously didn’t care. The man held his grip on Kesi even tighter. She could feel his wrinkled fingers digging sharply into her wrist, but she couldn’t see what was going on. She couldn’t bear to open her eyes. Wasn’t it better to keep her eyes closed tight and imagine everything was fine, rather than open them and know that nothing was?
A single shot went off. The man’s clasp softened, and a few seconds later Kesi heard a thump, as something large and heavy hit the floor. Everything went silent, and she cautiously opened one eye. She reeled back in horror as she saw what had fallen. The stall owner’s dead body was lying on the floor beside her, his eyes open wide in shock. A hole where the bullet must’ve hit him went straight through his forehead, matting his silvery-grey hair down with blood. She looked away in disgust, and trembling unease. It can’t have been Tarik. There was no way. He wasn’t capable of doing anything this, this heartless.
She turned slowly and anxiously to face him. He was standing straight in front of her and the dead body; the gun raised pointing towards them. His entire body was splattered in the deepest red blood. The blood of the man he had killed. Kesi searched desperately across his face for a look. A look of repulsion, fear, even satisfaction would’ve been something. But there was nothing. His face was completely blank. He hadn’t felt a thing.
For a second everything stood still, as if time had simply stopped, as Kesi frantically tried to take in what had just happened. But then time started again, and everyone began to shout and shriek in alarm. Someone grabbed her by the arm, and she spun around. It was Tarik.
“Come on, we have to get out of here,” he warned her, and grabbed her hand tightly as they began to sprint out of the marketplace. They were almost at the exit, when Kesi tripped over something, and fell to the floor. Her hands were scratched and bleeding where she had fallen on them, but she didn’t even realise as she hastily attempted to get up again.
Tarik’s eyes opened wide, as he stared straight past Kesi. She turned around to see what he was looking at, and then a large hand covered her mouth and everything went dark.
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