z

Young Writers Society


In the Glass Part 2



User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:18 am
Leahweird says...



At first he tried to escape. He spent what felt like days trying to break the glass and free himself, but it was impossible. He wasn’t corporeal anymore.

Next he tried to reach the end of the silver mist that surrounded him. Yet, no matter which direction he ran, it always led him back to the same spot. Back to the only place he could still see the world outside the mirror, and Narissa could look in on him.

He knew she was stealing his memories. The details of his past life disappeared too quickly for him to be simply forgetting. Eventually, he couldn’t even remember his own identity. But she left him the events of that night, glowing as bright and vivid in his mind as if they had just been experienced.

True to her word, now that he was in her power she brought him with her to each new castle. He was forced to act as a witness as she destroyed the lives of some new family.

Sometimes she would leave him in a dark corner, and he could at least look out at the room. Usually though, she would place him behind a curtain, so that her visits were his only escape from the colourless void of the mirror world. He used to count the days by her appearances, but eventually he lost track.

His reliance on her was the worst part of his curse. Sometimes she truly would leave him for days or weeks on end, and he would pine for her, simply because her presence was the only relief he had from the darkness.

She would always return though, to taunt him, and remind him of the power she held over his existence. Always she would ask him the same thing;

“Who is the most beautiful now?”

“You, my queen,” he would say. He had no other answer to give.
Last edited by Leahweird on Thu Oct 20, 2011 4:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





User avatar
67 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2724
Reviews: 67
Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:57 am
DarknecrosisX says...



Hi Peep! This was a nice piece, full of description and explanation. Time to do a bit of critiquing :) (even if they are a few nitpicks)

What you could have improved on:
1.
He has no other answer to give.

If I'm right, the story is in past tense, so the should be 'He had no other answer to give'.
2.
Always she would ask him the same thing.
This should end with a colon, as you then mention her speech.
3.
She would always return, though. To taunt him, and remind him of the power she held over his existence.
Is the full stop really necessary? You could have maybe used a comma.

That's everything I could criticise, and there was a lot I liked about this piece too:
1. The characters are well defined. This main character, the boy, definately does not like Narissa, and she is pretty evil and a bit of a narcisist.
2. The use of descriptive language.
3. The cliffhanger! I love the cliffhangers!!!

I guess I'd have to read the first part to fully understand this, but I could follow the story however. Keep it up!

Happy Writings! DNX :J
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





User avatar
100 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6717
Reviews: 100
Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:52 pm
Hecate says...



Hey! I'm Stela and I'll be reviewing for you today.

[Next, he tried to reach the end of the silver mist that surrounded him[/quote]

I believe there should be a comma :) .

Leahweird wrote:no matter which direction he ran, it always led him back to the same spot.


This reads easier with a comma.



Leahweird wrote:Eventually, he couldn’t even remember his own identity
Leahweird wrote:
Uh-oh, another missing comma!

Leahweird wrote: Usually, though,


And this has too many commas! Get rid of the one in the middle :)

----------------------

Right, so other than the comma issues and the things picked up by the previous reviewer, I really have no issues with this. It is pretty interesting, to be honest. Like a snow white inspired story with a twist, maybe? Definitely has potential. I would like to see the man in the mirror develop as a character, get more fleshed out over the course of the story. Other than that, I have no other nitpicks. I thought it was a really good story, to be honest. Adding originality to a fairytale that's been overdone- always a winner ;)
  





User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Thu Oct 20, 2011 4:47 pm
Leahweird says...



I seem to be plauged by the same editing problems; typos and commas. &@#$ commas. Anyway thank you so much for catching those. I'm so glad you liked it, and that I seem to have accomplished what I wanted to. DarknecrosisX, you nailed what I was trying to get at with the character, without even reading the first part. And Stela, yes it is Snow White! You Win!
  





User avatar



Gender: Male
Points: 980
Reviews: 2
Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:15 pm
View Likes
GoofySmurf says...



Hey i love these! They are awesome. I wonder how long it will go on. Its really good. Evil and awesome! I LOVE IT! Its a magic mirror. Its awesome! Shes so EVIL. Killing people. Shes so much more like a witch than people on Harry Potter! I cant believe she took his memories!
Ehh, who knows what to put here anymore.
  





User avatar
136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:48 am
Leahweird says...



Hey :) Yes I'm pretty proud of my villain. She's the best evil charater I've ever created (not that that's saying much). I honestly have no idea how long this is going to get, but I have a good long ways to go. It was meant to be a short story but... Longer is good right?
  








You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle