Young Writers Society

I sincerely hope you give this a shot even though you haven't read the previous chapters. I've included a summary, which should help you get an overall idea of the story. Thanks in advance for any reviews!

Summary


Later in the evening I was talking to Jay, a boy from my English class, when my father approached me. Jay quickly left as my father was known to be a bit intimidating.
‘Cordelia, I would like to introduce you to Caeden Valour.’ He said, motioning towards the boy behind him. I held out my hand and he took it. I looked into his eyes and was completely awestruck. They were akin to the ones that had so terrified me only a moment ago.
‘Cordelia Cot, pleased to make your acquaintance.’ I said, as I shook his hand. He gave me the slightest of smiles and said:
‘Caeden Valour, and likewise.’
My father looked pleased. He winked at me and left.
‘So, Caeden, have you ever been to this island before?’ I asked, trying to make conversation.
‘I have no patience for small talk, princess. Hurry up please. We need to leave now.’
To say that I was taken aback by his sudden outburst would be an understatement. But I humored him, because it seemed polite.
‘Where do you want us to go, Caeden?’
‘You know very well where.’ He then proceeded to glare at me, as though accusing me of playing the fool.
‘I’m afraid I do not.’ I said.
‘Well, isn’t that a shame? However, guess what your highness, we haven’t got all eternity. So please quit playing around and acting like an idiot and let’s go.’
‘Caeden, you’re acting like a freak.’
‘Well, that means a lot coming from the girl who has the oddest nightmares each night and doesn’t know what to make of them. Except you do know. Your mother told you.’
I sat there blinking, unable to comprehend what was happening. I didn’t even know what to say to that. I was lost for words.
‘What do you know about me?’ I said, all pretenses suddenly dropping.
‘I see you didn’t listen to your mother… or perhaps simply didn’t believe her?’
‘The former.’ I replied.
‘Well, and whose fault is that?’ He asked, smirking.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about. This is crazy talk. Sometimes I feel as though I’m the only sane person on this island. Which would probably mean I’m actually insane, and everyone else is sane, because sane is the norm but-‘
He cut me off:
‘Princess-‘
‘Why do you keep calling me Princess?’ I said, through gritted teeth.
‘I’m sorry. Cordelia, humor me. I can help you stop the nightmares, make your mother better and find Harper and the other girls.’
I felt as though my blood froze. I was speechless once more. This boy knew more than what was humanly possible. And, I was intrigued.
‘What do you know about Harper?’ I said.
‘Enough to assure you that you can still help her if you like.’ He said, taking my hand. This was an intimate gesture which I didn’t understand, until I heard the music playing. We proceeded to slow dance, his gray eyes bore into mine ever so intimidating. It was as though as he was searching for something, but could not find it. I lowered my eyes, because I could not bear to look into his.
‘So what is your decision?’ He asked, as soon as the dance was over.
‘I will follow you. I thought I’d warn you first though, that I have a blue belt in Karate.’ That was a lie. But I had taken a self defense class at school, so I wasn’t entirely incompetent when it came to fighting. Or defending myself. Caeden found this absolutely hilarious. I found his reaction creepy. I had second thoughts about leaving with him, but he knew so much. He knew about Harper, and my mom and my nightmares. I had to find out if he could truly help me, at whatever cost.
We soon found ourselves in the mansion’s vast gardens, making our way towards the exit.
‘Where are we going?’ I asked.
‘Trust me.’ He said.
I thought this laughable but did not say so aloud.
‘I can’t. I barely know you.’
He turned around to face me and shuffled through his pocket. He then took something out and looked at me:
‘This belongs to you.’
He abruptly handed me the Alexandrite stone that Adelaide had given me in my dream. It was red. Red, the color of misfortune. I felt dizzy all of a sudden, like I couldn’t feel my legs. The next thing I remember is collapsing. But something or someone made sure I didn’t hit the ground. I did not regain consciousness for a long time

Hi there Stela,

Ahh, comprehension dawns to Cordelia. Finally we are getting to the good stuff. I'm kidding But still the chapter came to me by surprise because I did not guess that the plot would veer it's course like this. But I do like the path that it is going, although I'm sure that the my next guess about the plot would also be wrong.

Alright, let's jump into the review,

Mistakes

They were akin to the ones that had so terrified me only a moments ago.

I satthere blinking, unable to comprehend what was happening.

Should be "I stood"

I thought I’d warn you first though, that I have a blue belt in Karate.’

Write this as, "But I have to warn you that I have a blue belt in Karate."

‘I can’t. I barely know you.’

Don't say "I can't" because she's already trusting him enough to let him lead her. Say, "How can I? I barely know you."

Plot
The plot is veering into the unexpected. Because I certainly did not think that this random character is to become a major plot point. So the surprise was there and I think it's a good thing as it maintains the reader's interest. The gradual development of the plot is crucial in keeping the interest of the readers and also making them understand what you are writing.

Descriptions

Not much to go on about the descriptions as this chapter is solely based on same setting and environment it was in the 1st part, so I won't say much about the descriptions. But you could describe the chatter of the guests, the background music, the soft tinkle of wine glasses. These may seem unnecessary or rather obvious. But Descriptions are all about stating the obvious. It's about giving the clearest, the sharpest picture of your story to the reader. So including these small facts would do lot more that you think.

Character Development

I'm not sure If I can picture Caeden, because the only description of him you gave was pair of gray eyes he had. Include some description of him. Perhaps, like Cordelia noticing the his features when they shake their hands. Adding those would do the readers a great help in imagining him. Because it is rather unnerving to imagine a faceless character walking about.

Overall

It was a rather small chapter, but it served it purpose in developing the plot, and I'm glad about that.

Good luck, and I hope to read the other chapters, when you post them.

- C -

This is a good story that you have going right now. Looking forward to reading more by you. It's very exciting and fun. Extremely enjoyable to read. You have quite the act for creativity. You left me with questions in my head, and that's more than always a good thing in a book. Again, can't say this enough, but really good. Can't wait to read more. Keep it up!!!

~wtbh