Young Writers Society

What Ever Happened to Brotherly Love?

Prologue


My grandfather has always been known by friends and family for his proverbs and sayings. As the youngest son of the Duke of Moshawna, he grew up as more of a scholar than the warriors that were his four brothers. Even after his marriage and the birth of his son and daughter, he was known to spend hours on end in the library, reading the words of philosophers and tales of the past.

Both my mother and Uncle Tareah grew up learning how you should act, what was right and wrong, and the differences between wisdom and intellect. Both have often told me stories of their childhood in the mountains in forests where much of the kingdom’s wood is exported from. I often wondered growing up, what it would have been like to live there instead of the bustling palace where I lived for most of my life.

As I grew up, grandfather’s words of wisdom became my guide, as they had been his. From life to love, he had a maxim for everything. The words that have always impacted me more than any of his other quotes were that “bonds of blood may be stronger than those of the heart, but when stretched and broken, only simple ties can be repaired.” These words have always driven me to strengthen my relationships with my family, so that I’d never have to suffer from the results of a break in the camaraderie between us.

However, as I have learned over the years, sometimes when you focus too much on one target, you lose the control you have over everything else. So, as I worked to get along with my siblings and a few friends, the thought that my dearest friends could form relationships with others never really crossed my mind. The knowledge that my best friend wanted nothing more than wealth and power ran through my head, and the fact that my older brother would one day rule the entire kingdom sat in some other part of my mind.

The thought that he would fall in love with her, and she with his money never seemed logical until I realized the extent of my friend’s selfishness. The thought that it could only end with my brother being overcome by his greed finally formed, and I realized that it was too late to change what was bound to happen. So, I lost a friend and a brother, and grandfather’s words reminded me that I wouldn’t find them again. I spent my years of young adulthood generally lonely, with my artwork and diary as my most trusted friends.

Then, on my Seventeenth, the day I’d be considered an adult, I was destined to meet new people that I had avoided throughout the previous years. Due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, I made one or two strong friendships.

I do believe I’ll start my story from the changing point of my life, the day of my Seventeenth. However, there are some parts of this story that I cannot tell. For reasons that will become obvious as you learn more about my life. So, I will trust those who can speak of the events most truthfully to tell their sides of the tale at those times. You can trust what they say to be as accurate as the words I write myself, on my honor as the former princess of Kriston.

Calesta Kristonay

I found no mistakes, but I wanted to comment anyways. I'm not the best at reviewing, but I'll give you my honest opinion as a man.

That was pretty cool. I want to know what happens next. So please hurry up.

I'm gonna just post chapters here, so that I don't have like eighty threads for one story.

Chapter 1-Calesta
Show kindness to all, but especially to those who hate you, serve you, or don't know you. This gains respect, and if not from others, then from yourself
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A cold wind blew through the window, making me shiver despite the thick blanket I was wrapped in as I looked out over the city. The sun was just rising over the distant Moshawnan Mountains, but many shopkeepers were already busy about their daily work. I watched, waiting to hear the footsteps of Rena, my maid and close friend. She was to help me decide which gown to wear for the celebration of my Seventeenth.

“Good morning!” announced a cheerful voice behind me. I turned from the window to see Rena’s kind face. She was carrying two boxes, one much larger than the other. After laying the packages on my bed, she left the room momentarily, returning with a steaming cup of tea.

“Didn’t I tell you not to get me a gift?” I questioned. She shrugged and smiled. I returned the smile and sat down at the end of my bed.

“Open them! I want to see what you think.” She said, her face a mixture of excitement and nervousness. I took the smaller package, and opened it. Insidethe gold-inlaid, wooden box was an intricately carved clip, made of a deep blue-green stone. Also in the box was a matching necklace.

“Oh Rena, they’re beautiful!” I exclaimed.

“I know that you usually don’t like to dress up, but since it is your Seventeenth, I decided to get you something you would like. We both know that your mother will make sure that you are kept at the center of attention.” I nodded, knowing the truth to the words, and then turned back to my bed and the large package still lying on it. When I opened it enough to see what was inside, I gasped. Lying inside was one of the most beautiful and exquisite gowns I’d ever seen. It was made of a material that matched the necklace that she’d given me earlier with orchids embroidered on it in gold thread. Though I normally wouldn’t have even considered wearing such a formal gown, my thoughts on what my family and friends would say made me impatient to wear it. I immediately put it on, eager to make sure it fit perfectly. Rena tied the golden colored strings of the bodice and added a golden silk sash at my waist before standing back to admire me.

After a scrutinizing look, she smiled again and took the clip from the writing desk I had set it on. I sat in front of her on a chair, and she arranged my hair on top of my head and secured it with the clip, leaving a strand to hang down by my face. She finished with my hair and told me to wait for a moment before leaving the room. A short time later, she returned with a fan of blue-green silk, edged in gold to match the gown and a pair of slippers. I put the slippers on as she tied the fan loosely to my sash. “You look beautiful!” She exclaimed proudly, stepping back to scrutinize my appearance again. “You will have suitors after you in no time, Calesta.” She laughed as I rolled my eyes, not a very ladylike thing for a princess to do. But rolling my eyes was one of the many habits I could not break- not that I really made much of an attempt to do so.

“You know that courting is not necessarily something I’m looking forward to yet. Just because I am going to be old enough to be courted and considered for marriage does not mean that I want to be. All of the men here at court are pathetic in their attempts to flirt. All of thosethat I don'tknow well are too arrogant, and those thatI do know, I know too well to consider for marriage. Regina doesn’t seem to mind their pride, or their lack of seriousness, but she is not always that bright. Most of them just want to become king, even though Ronan is the first child, and therefore, heir of the throne. I just don't understand whynone of them seem to realize that.” I finished my rambling with another roll of my eyes.

“You shouldn’t insult your sister like that, even if she can be rebellious.” I sighed, not really knowing how to respond.

“She still thinks she is going to be married before me.” I smiled again, remembering her opinion that I was ‘the stupid one’ and ‘the ugly one,’ even though I had finished my studies before my thirteenth summer, while she hadn’t finished hers yet, and was already fourteen. There was also the fact that we looked almost exactly the same, aside from my shorter height, and the difference between our eye colors.

“I hope you don’t take her opinions seriously,” Rena said. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow, trying to decide whether or not she was serious.

“I don’t…” I replied simply. “Do you know where Mother is?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.

“The queen was in the library when I was bringing your tea, she may still be there.”

“Thank-you, Rena, I’ll go check, and thank-you again for the gifts!”

“I’m just glad that you like them.” She replied while taking the empty teacup off of my writing desk to be washed.

I left the room as quickly as my gown and slippers would allow, eager to see what my mother thought of it. When I reached the library, I slowly opened the heavy wooden doors, trying not to disturb anyone who might be studying inside. When I entered and closed the door behind me, I found the library to be empty aside from a young boy and his teacher. I decided to continue into the back room where Mother spent much of her time. As I approached the door, I heard voices coming from the other side. I knocked quietly, waited a few moments then knocked again, more loudly. The talking inside ceased and the door was swung open. Inside stood my mother, looking something between annoyed and angry, my older brother Ronan, and Arielle, who he soon hoped to marry. Mother gave my brother a silent glare, and he quickly left, Arielle trailing swiftly behind him. After they left, Mother sighed before turning to look at me. When she did turn, the anxiety left her bright green eyes.

“You look beautiful, Celesta!” She exclaimed. I thanked her quietly before questioning her about what I had interrupted.

“You know your brother, never respectful of anyone. I truly don’t know if the kingdom will last under his rule. If he doesn’t straighten the path he’s following now, your father and I may just revoke his title of heir to the throne of Kriston.” She sighed again, shaking her head slightly. I looked at her, trying to understand what she meant. ‘Ban Ronan from becoming king? But then that would mean…’

“But I don’t want to become queen.” I muttered, more to myself than to Mother.

“Why not?” she asked, her tone suggesting that the thought was insane.

“I don’t want all of the pressure; I can barely live with the responsibility I have now. There isn’t a way that I’d be able to tend to all of the concerns of the kingdom.”

“That’s what I thought when your father asked for my hand in marriage. You will eventually feel comfortable with the responsibility.” She replied reassuringly. “Besides, I don’t think your sister would be able to rule well either. So, if you don’t become queen, then the rights of the throne will most likely be given to my brother and his wife.” I merely sighed again.

“Who all is going to be at my ball tonight?” I questioned, changing the subject.

“Uncle Tareah and Aunt Kelda are coming from Moshawna with your cousins; your father’s cousin will be here with his wife and their son Zarek. Antaine, the young duke of Trambor will be coming… I don’t believe you have ever met him.” After a moment of trying to remember the name, I shook my head. “Lady Aristen, her two children and her husband, and many others in the kingdom, we have quite a reason to celebrate, after all.” I rolled my eyes at the comment.

“When will the ceremony begin?”

“I will send your escort when we are ready for your arrival, you may return to your rooms until then.” I nodded, “Who gave you that gown?” she questioned curiously as I turned to go.

“Rena gave it to me as a gift for my Seventeenth."

“It brings out your eyes wonderfully,” she replied with a smile.

“Thank-you, Mother,” I said with a slight curtsy, “I’ll tell Rena that you like it.” slipping silently out through the open doorway, I made my way slowly back to my rooms, focusing on not tripping over the hem of my gown as I walked.

‘I hate dressing up more than I have to. You need to be too careful of what is going on around you. I’d rather grow up in the country, like Jenda and Briant.’ I thought, remembering my cousins’ home in Moshawna. When I reached my room, I nearly ran into Rena, who was just leaving. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you there.” she said in one breath, pulling the tapestry aside and following me back inside.

“It’s okay Rena, why are you in such a hurry though, may I ask?”

“Oh, my cousin is coming.” she said excitedly, “One of the messengers just arrived with a note saying that she is currently being shown to her rooms.”

“She’s the artist, right?” I questioned, remembering a time that she told me of one of her relatives who worked for some nobleman in Kriston. The topic had been brought up when a seascape she’d painted had been sent to the palace. Rena nodded enthusiastically in response to my question.

“May I go see her? I must ask if she will be able to make you another gown or two. She designed the one you’re wearing now.”

“That would be wonderful. I’d love to have some new gowns, just make certain that they aren’t too fancy and that I can move in them.” She smiled cheerfully before curtsying and exiting the room. I shook my head slightly at her excess amount of energy and collapsed lazily into one of the overstuffed chairs in my sitting room.

Taking advantage of the spare time, I decided to do some more work on the painting I had started for my sister’s birthday. I retrieved my supplies and wandered toward the pond in the palace garden. Regina spent a lot of time sitting there, just staring into the water and thinking, so I’d decided to paint it for her. Rena had seen it already, and informed me that my sister would love it. ‘I wonder where Regina is anyway.’ I thought as I finished sketching the flowers and tree roots around the edge of the pond. ‘She hasn’t yelled at me in hours…she’s probably following Ngaire around like a sick puppy again. It’s obvious she has a crush on him, whether she denies it or not. All of the girls living at court can probably tell what she thinks of him better than Regina herself can.’

I smiled to myself, and continued painting. After a while, the bell for second noon sounded. Remembering that I hadn’t told Rena or anyone elsewhere I was going to be, I decided to return to my room tobe introduced to my friend’s cousin. I slowly wandered back toward the castle, admiring all of the beautiful trees, flowers, and bushes along the way. When I got to my room, Rena and another girl with short, dark hair barely reaching her shoulders were sitting at the table in my sitting room drinking tea. The girl turned when she heard me enter, and immediately began to get up from the cushion she was sitting on beside the table.

“Good afternoon, Your Highness,” the girl said, rising. As she rose from the cushion, she bumped the table, knocking her cup of tea onto a rug thatJendahad sent me. She gasped loudly, and immediately kneeled down again in order to soak up the tea with the skirt of her gown. As she did this, she muttered continuous apologies for her clumsiness. I put a hand on her shoulder and she stopped suddenly, looking at me with shocked blue eyes.

“It’s okay, there’s no need to ruin your gown.” I said in a comforting tone.

“Yes, but the-”

“I’ll have my cousin send another one.” she gave me a relieved smile, which I returned. “And there is no need for titles right now, maybe when we are in public, but not now. A friend of Rena’s is a friend of mine.”

“Oh…thank-you,” she replied.

“I don’t believe I’ve been told your name…”

“It’s Tala,” she said, and curtsied quickly. I helped her carry the ruined rug to the room with my dirty clothing, knowing that the servants would do their best to fix it.

“After all that I have heard of you from Rena, it’s wonderful to finally meet you.” she smiled again. When we returned to my sitting room, Rena poured a cup of tea for each of us, and motioned us to join her around the table. Throughout the entire afternoon, we talked and laughed without end, and I silently guessed that Tala and I would become fast friends.
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I've heard from one or two people that parts of this chapter are really cliche... anyone have any thoughts on that or anything else about it?

Critiques and Comments are greatly appreciated!

The prologue didn't really hook me. It seemed long-winded, which made it difficult to read.

Also, this needs fixing:

Then, on my Seventeenth, the day I’d be considered an adult, I was destined to meet new people that I had avoided throughout the previous years. Due to circumstances beyond anyone’s control, I made one or two strong friendships.

Up to this point, everything was written as if it had already occurred. This needs to be "the day I would have been considered an adult,..." for it to be in line with the rest of it.

Griffinkeeper wrote:The prologue didn't really hook me. It seemed long-winded, which made it difficult to read.

one of my friends said something resembling this, and I have (since then) decided to cut out the prologue...since it doesn't really help the story at all...

The title really hooked me, line and sinker.
It was ok but I somtimes could not tell who was talking, I will read more, when you write it.

I'm gonna just post chapters here, so that I don't have like eighty threads for one story.

Chapter 1-Calesta
Show kindness to all, but especially to those who hate you, serve you, or don't know you. This gains respect, and if not from others, then from yourself
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A cold wind blew through the window, making me shiver despite the thick blanket I was wrapped in as I looked out over the city. The sun was just rising over the distant Moshawnan Mountains, but many shopkeepers were already busy about their daily work. I watched, waiting to hear the footsteps of Rena, my maid and close friend. She was to help me decide which gown to wear for the celebration of my Seventeenth.

“Good morning!” announced a cheerful voice behind me. I turned from the window to see Rena’s kind face. She was carrying two boxes, one much larger than the other. After laying the packages on my bed, she left the room momentarily, returning with a steaming cup of tea.

“Didn’t I tell you not to get me a gift?” I questioned. She shrugged and smiled. I returned the smile and sat down at the end of my bed.

“Open them! I want to see what you think.” She said, her face a mixture of excitement and nervousness. I took the smaller package, and opened it. Insidethe gold-inlaid, wooden box was an intricately carved clip, made of a deep blue-green stone. Also in the box was a matching necklace.

“Oh Rena, they’re beautiful!” I exclaimed.

This is all very good except for one small thing. I mean, really this is all EXCELLENT except for this minor detail. Use "asked" or "said" instead of "questioned."

“I know that you usually don’t like to dress up, but since it is your Seventeenth, I decided to get you something you would like. We both know that your mother will make sure that you are kept at the center of attention.” I nodded, knowing the truth to the words, and then turned back to my bed and the large package still lying on it.

I don't think any 17-year-old girl would say "knowing the truth to the words"...sorry but small things like that bug me. I think we understand that she understands when you say she nodded.

“You know that courting is not necessarily something I’m looking forward to yet. Just because I am going to be old enough to be courted and considered for marriage does not mean that I want to be. All of the men here at court are pathetic in their attempts to flirt. All of thosethat I don'tknow well are too arrogant, and those thatI do know, I know too well to consider for marriage. Regina doesn’t seem to mind their pride, or their lack of seriousness, but she is not always that bright. Most of them just want to become king, even though Ronan is the first child, and therefore, heir of the throne. I just don't understand whynone of them seem to realize that.” I finished my rambling with another roll of my eyes.

Why would she roll her eyes about that? It doesn't make sense to me. You roll your eyes at what someone else says or does.

“You shouldn’t insult your sister like that, even if she can be rebellious.” I sighed, not really knowing how to respond.

That makes it sound like Celesta is saying it...


Generally I don't have much to say. Its beautifully described, the dialogue is great, the flow is alright if you cut down on about half the descriptions...especially on people. I do agree that it sounds a little cliche with the princess who doesn't want to get married ect, ect...but don't stop becuase of it..hell....you could surprise some people with this story. Good work, keep it up![/quote]