Game On (Level 0)

Game On
Level 0 : A Real Love For Gaming
I couldn't help but cry. After everything me and him had been through, it would be me that was either his demise, or his saviour.

Isn't it weird how when the heroin of a story looks extremely good crying. Like that happens in real life. As I sobbed holding the sword in my hands, I sure wasn't a pretty sight. However he still smiled. His cold, blood stained, hand touch my, blood stained, cheek.

"Do it..." he said, his voice was so low and quiet I barely heard him through my gasping sobs.

"But-" I tried to think of some way to save him without doing the unimaginable.

"Shh...." his voice was so soothing, even now at a time like this. "We must try. Please.....please....."

Hearing him beg me made me sob even more. Although I knew I must do this one task. This one task that would kill or save this one person. This one person that meant everything to me. He was my best friend, my saviour, my worst enemy, the only person I would consider better than me and the only person I would give my life to.

But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. Maybe I should start at the beginning. When my only troubles were finishing a tough boss battle on my newest RPG game.

* * *


I never really thought of myself as being normal. I mean who really is normal? The day I hear an answer to that question is when the price of milk goes up - get it, flying cows.

It was a Thursday, the last day of school for the week. We were lucky to get Friday off as the school would be redecorated. Lucky as, eh? As per usual I had gotten up a little late and was rushing around in my room.

"Oh, where are they!" I jerked my draws open looking for a matching pair of socks. "Damn it, Pride!" I yelled at the little pup while holding one chewed up sock. "Looks like its gonna be one white sock and one yellow sock." not that anyone would really notice - unless they pulled up my trouser leg and took off my shoes and that would just be creepy.

Once I got on my socks and shoes I had a hard hitting question : Should I have my hair up or down? Either way it was still going to be just as curly, just as messy and just as annoying. So I threw back the scrunchy and left my curly dark hair down. Score for being lazy.

"Abbie! Hurry or you'll be late!" I heard my mother mutter. "Again."

"Coming!" I called grabbing my bag and tucking a loose curl behind my ear.

I took the stairs two at a time, almost tripping on the last one. My mother was standing at the kitchen door, ready to disapprove of my dress sense.

"Tuck your shirt in," she said, grabbing my checkered shirt and trying to stuff it in the rim of my trousers.

"Mum!" I outstretched the word. "Quit it!" I batted her hands away.

"What is up with your hair? Stop tucking it behind her ears," she tugged at my hair.

"Mum! I'm gonna be late," I walked into the kitchen. "Morning sis'!"

"Morning Abbie," said my younger sister, as she munched on her plate of toast.

"Hey!" I said complaining. "How come she gets to take her time and get a drive to school!?"

"Because, you have a bus pass," Note to self: Bring that pass. "Plus, your sisters school is a longer way from your school."

Like I was listening. Instead, I stole a slice of toast from my sisters plate. I had finished eating the toast and was wiping the butter grease from my fingers.

"Are you even listening?" my mother said folding her arms and giving me a look.

"Nah," I looked up at the clock that sat on the counter. "Shit!" my parents didn't really mind me swearing. "I'm gonna be late!"

"See ya," I heard my sister said as I threw opend the back kitchen door.

In our home we have a small back garden, my mother isn't the flower type so random plat pots were darted around the patchy green grass. I jumped the wooden fence that outlined the green. After years of practise I had nailed the hurdles, all because of that fence.

I jumped the light brown fence and saw the bus I took to school just pull into its stop. Talk about great timing.

"Morning," I told the bus driver and showed him my pass.

Once he nodded I scanned the faces of the students and found two of my friends. "Yo Abbie!" waved Jay and Thorn at the back.

"'Sup motherfucker?" I said giving Jay a high five and sitting next to him.

Jay was the total opposite of my good self. Blue eyes, blond hair that covered his forehead, long skinny body and milky skin. "Glad you could make it. I was getting worried 'bout ya. Thought you might of been ill," he also lived right across from me. So we would wait for the bus together (when I wasn't late).

"Slept in, I'll try on Monday. Still coming to mine tomorrow?" I asked him, I had invited pretty much all of my friends to mine for the weekend as it was only gonna be my mother.

"Sure, I'll be one of the first. What time?"

"Whenever. What 'bout you, Thorn?" I said turning around and looking at the small, skinny, dark purple headed girl sitting behind us.

"Sure."

Me and Thorn used to be as thick as thieves. She was a year older than me and I used to consider her my best friend. Until she started not talking to me and staying on her phone all fucking day! Yeah some friend(!)

"Yo!" Jay playfully slapped my shoulder to get my attention. "Did ya get that new game you were talking about?"

"Nah, not yet," I said, yawning. "Tho' I haven't checked my mail so I might have. If I do, I won't play it 'til you guys come. Cross my heart and hope to die." I traced an X on my chest.

I looked over to Thorn and rolled my eyes as she twiddled her thumbs. "What'cha doin'?" I asked annoyingly.

"Just texting Dylan," she said so casually.

"And Dylan would be?"

"Oh, my boyfriend."

"I thought you were going out with Nathan," I remembered her boyfriend from yesterday.

"Oh hes old news," she shrugged.

Yup that was our Thorn: The Heart Breaker. She had a new guy every freakin' week. It was getting old but I started to feel sorry for the guys who threw themselves at Thorn only to get rejected. Or to think shes their girlfriend only to find out she see better fish in the sea.

Me and Jay looked at each other then rolled our eyes. Our bus rolled through into the school parking lot and came to a 'gental' stop. We all thanked the driver as we stepped off and onto the gravel.

"Jay?" I gave him the big eyes.

"What?" he rolled his eyes yet smiled.

"Can you, pwees, come to the cafeteria with me?" I batted my eyelids and he agreed.

"I'm gonna go up and wait next to the Math department," Thorn said to us and we nodded.

We joined a que at the cafeteria. All I wanted was a breakfast bar and some grape juice. Jay stood next to me and we talk about a battle mission on an online RPG game.

"I'm telling you, the boss is freakin' too hard!" Jay exclaimed.

"Yeah, yeah. Look here's what ya gotta do; go into Norbtown and talk to Guy with Hat, he'll give you an orb if you give him gold. Once you have that you gotta go the longer way toward the Troll Boss," I explained. "Then just increase your level with the orb and it'll be no sweat!"

"Easy for you to say all you ever do is play that game," he said. I made a face and you could literally see the red anger mark on my head.

We left this conversation and just stood waiting to be served. I almost squealed as someone yelled. "Judo chop!" and brought the side of their hand crashing onto my head.

"Damn it, Cammy!" I started to yell at the boy with spiked hair. "Why do you love doing that to me," I said rubbing my head.

Cammy was a dear friend of mine. He was a total anime fan boy, which is why he spikes his brown hair. He loved to annoy me and as did I to him. It was how our 'relationship' worked.

"I'll keep doing it until you make my sandwich," he told me grinning.

"For the last time. I am no housewife!" I jabbed him in the chest.

"Next please," said the woman behind the counter.

After I grabbed my 'breakfast' we headed to the Math Department joining the rest of our 'gang', Kay and Kris.

Kay was in my year and I had known her for years. She was my oldest friend. We used to be best friends when we were young but since high school she had became quiet. Her hair was dyed with shades of brown and red (which was turning ginger), it was also extremely short. I liked to pick on her for having such short hair.

I knew Kirs from my old school before we moved to high school. Kirs was a year younger than me and I'd say she was my best friend. She was funny but boy she didn't stop talking about anime. Her hair was unburnt and passed her shoulders. She also had a cute little nose that I just loved to poke.

"Didn't have breakfast this morning?" Kay said to me looking at my breakfast bar and juice.

"I had a bit of toast, but I was in a rush," I said munching.

The bell went. Thorn and Kirs walked into their classes to the left. Kay went right and the rest of us went forward. We took our seats in our class. I sat in the middle and the boys were on either side of me. I sighed and put my head in my hand with my elbow on the table. Boy school sucks, wish life had a reset button.

After several long, hard, boring and writing full hours later I found myself sitting down onto the bus with Jay to my left. I let out a good long breath of relief.

"Thank god for that!" I stretched up my hands in the air. "Weekend here I come."

"Yeah and your dragging us along with you," Thorn smirked and - for once - she wasn't texting on he phone.

"Hey, you guys said ya'd come," I said folding my arms across my chest. "If ya don't, I'll kill ya." I was dead serious - get it dead!

As the bus rolled along the gray road the three of us talked randomly about school, life and other teenage drama's. As the bus pulled into its stop Jay and myself said bye to Thorn.

"Remember my threat," I called back as I shrugged off the bus.

Almost all the times me and Jay lived across from each other, he would jump the fence and come into my own home. It was like a second home for Jay. Even I could go into his house and just sit with his parents, little brother and cat's.

"Hello, Jay," said my mother standing over the stove.

"Hi!" Jay said waving to my mother and smiled. "Smells good."

"Just what I was about to say," I said inhaling the smell of dinner. "What we havin' ?"

"Beef 'n' gravy, mashed potatoes and chicken noddle soup," my mother couldn't stand chicken, but she knew how much I loved it so she'd sometimes make soup for me. "There's plenty here, Jay. If you wanna stay for dinner."

I looked at Jay whom pounded the thought for a couple of seconds before giving into the delicious smell. "Oh, go on then," Jay shoved his bag next to where I had left it. "I'll just run over and tell my parents," he told us before letting himself out.

"So how was school?" mum asked as I reached for a glass from the top cupboard.

"'S okay," I said in a monotone, taking the lid off of the coke bottle and pouring it into my glass. "'Bout you. Hows your day? Sis' get off to her dads awright?"

"Yeah, her dad is taking her to the movies," my mother told me and I was uninterested.

Jay got back about a minute later. "Parents say its fine."

"Bet they're glad to get rid o' ya," I laughed then offered him a drink.

"Sure, you got Coke?"

"When do we not have coke?!" I exclaimed getting another glass while he got the Coke back from the fridge.

"Dinner'll be ready in about twenty," my mother informed us and I rolled my eyes. "Jay. Why don't you just stay the night. You'll be staying for the weekend anyway."

"Yeah, I'll ask my parents later on," he told my mother. Glass of Coke in his hand and his back to the counter.

There was an awkward silence, so it came upon myself to think of something. "Hey, Jay, lets go play Dead Or Alive 4. I'll beat your ass."

"Bitch please," Jay also loved it when he could swear in this house. "You've been saying that for years."

So we headed up stairs still with our Cokes. We set our Cokes on my night stand and I started up my xbox 360.

The game started up and I clicked my character. I always went as Ayane, I just loved her look and fighting style. Even once I dressed up as her for a party one night. Jay always took his time looking at each character (the girls more than the guys) before eventually picking Zack.

After twenty minuets of getting my ass kicked, mum finally called us down.

"Fuck!" I playfully punched Jay's arm as my mother called us.

We ate dinner while watching TV. I believe we watched Jerry Springer. Which isn't what it used to been now. Now its all about tits and shit.

After dinner me and Jay washed the dishes. While my mother went for a bath. Jay went off to tell his parents and to get his stuff for the weekend.

I found myself being extremely hyped up for the weekend. So much I could barely get to sleep that night.

So typical Abbie.

Hi there!

This was a very interesting story. I like the premise and the main character is great. Your dialouge was solid and I quite enjoyed reading it. It made me laugh in a couple parts.

So for the critiques: you barely had any descriptions. I don't know what anyone looks like. You described their personalities all right, but I never actually found out their physical features. What color hair do they have? What color are their eyes?

You have some grammer and spelling mistakes. I quoted some of them here so you understand what I'm talking about:

"Looks like its gonna be one white sock and one yellow sock."not that away one would really notice - unless they pulled up my trouser leg and took off my shoes.

It should be it's, not 'its'. And 'away one' should be anyone.

I pointed to my door and the pup ran out feeling sorry for it's self

Watch the form of the word 'its'. Remember, it's=it is and its=posessive.

Cammy was the same age as me, but , like, a mouth younger.

Just because this is written in first person doesn't mean you need the narration to talk like your character. Try to keep good grammer and just stick to how you would describe everybody. Let yourself talk through the character.

We used to be best friends when we were young but since high school she had became quite.

'Quite' should be 'quiet'.

Thorn and Kirs walked into there classes to the left.

Watch the there, their confusion. Remember: there is a place, their is posessive.

Overall this was a good start. You should probably go over it again and fix some of your mistakes. Your characters are great, all though you did throw a lot of them at us at once. PM me if you have any questions about anything at all. I hope I wasn't too harsh with my review! Keep writing!

Heya, Life here to throw a few things your way!

This is a really solid piece of writing. The humor was effecient, and kinda reminded me of my own friend group - which means you made your characters and what they're saying damn realistic. I agree with Noelle, though, that you threw a bit too many characters onto us all at once. But! The way you did it made it seem normal and it popped out only a little bit, so I guess you don't have to do anything about it.

What popped out somewhat were your descriptions of the people. For every single one of them, you listed their hair color and shape, their eyes and something else about them. It wouldn't be bad if not for the fact that they were just that: a list. You just tick off a few traits and flat out tell them to us, when you should be showing them to us instead. A reader doesn't want the writer to just throw the facts into their face, they want to be shown them through the eyes of the narrator. Ease them in there into the little cracks, instead of smacking them in our faces like a sledgehammer.

What did really pop out was your dialogue. In a good way and a bad way. The good first: what they were saying was believable and natural. It really brought the characters to life. So big plus for that! Then the bad; you wrote it like this:

"Nah, not yet." I said yawned. "Tho' I haven't checked my mail so I might of. If I do I won't play it 'til you guys come. Cross my heart and hope to die." I traced an X on my chest.

It should be written like so:

"Nah, not yet," I said, yawning/ and yawned. "Tho' I haven't checked my mail so I might have/ 've. If I do, I won't play it 'til you guys come. Cross my heart and hope to die." I traced an X on my chest.

There were a few mistakes that I also corrected in that other than what I actually intended to talk about, so I suggest going through your writing again - carefully - and making sure all the commas are in the right place and the words are in the correct forms.

What I wanted to touch upon was the comma before "I said". When someone is saying something and you write "he/she said/asked/yelled/whatever" afterwards, you end what they're saying in a comma, not a period. Ofc, you also put exclamation- and question marks where need be, but if it's a regular statement, it's a comma. Here, an example:

"I like your shirt," he said.
"Do you like my shirt?" she asked.
...and so on.

You put a period only when you neglect the "he/she/I said" part, like so.

"That's just stupid." I smacked him across his head. "Get a life."

Here, an action is occuring in between what the narrator is saying, but it doesn't read "I said", so there's a period.
I hope you understood any of that, cause it's quite important to know this, as it annoys the reader and draws them away from the phenomenol scene you have going here.

So, to sum up. I like your narrating style, it really brings the work to life. What you have to look out for are the small gritty details that will screw this over, which isn't a good thing (duh, Cpn. Obvious). This would be a very good bit of writing if not for those miniscule mistakes. You've established a nice scene for your story here, so hit me up with the next part when you get around to posting it.

I hope that didn't come across too negative, 'cause I really did like this. PM me with any questions you may still have, or if you're unsure of what I said (I was a bit confused myself when writing that all out, so feel free to make sure you got what I was saying; I'll be glad to help).

Until next time, ciao.

Hello there, and welcome to YWS. I'll be reviewing you this fine day.

That said, overall, this chapter/prologue felt very rough, as if you posted it up before editing. There are a lot of basic errors (like "and" instead of "an" in the third sentence) that a quick proofreading would catch. In addition, when you tried to reference gaming terms and names, there were mistakes. I'll address them later on in this review.

Inside my room, I had a full body mirror near my door.

The moment I saw this sentence, I just knew what was coming next, and it made me wince. Using a mirror or other reflective surface to describe a character's appearance is one of the worst ways to go about giving your readers an idea of what they look like. It is painfully obvious, and it results in a description infodump that is not interesting to read, since the appearance is usually listed, that most readers will skim over. If they don't stop reading then and there.

When introducing a character's appearance, it is best to do so gradually, mentioning only the traits that are important at the time. If you want to introduce hair color, you can have a character push some of their (insert color) hair out of their face or maybe wish they had hair like X character. And don't introduce a character's looks all at once; your readers will thank you for it.

"Yeah, yeah. You gotta build up your level first," I told him and he rolled his eyes. "Then once you've gotten to a bigger level then it'll be no sweat."

Here is the first of those mistaken gaming terms I mentioned earlier. I have never, in all my years of gaming, ever heard a serious gamer say "build up your level". "Level up" or simply "level" is used. And "bigger level" is just... It's so bad, it's laughable. Specific levels or level ranges are almost always cited when discussing the requirements to beat a boss. When the level is not discussed, it's usually because there's an item, technique, or strategy required to beat the boss that is independent of a character's level or requires a minimum level to obtain/employ.

Speaking of specificity, you're very vague on exactly what game it is that they're playing. For a story that seems set to rely heavily on gaming and knowledge thereof, this vagueness is killer. Not all RPGs are equal, and which RPGs one plays (or doesn't) says a lot about the gamer. By not mentioning specifics, you give off the impression that you're trying too hard to pass these characters off as gamers when you, the author, are not (to put it nicely).

It's not working.

Boy school sucks, wish life had a reset button.

School was over and done with - thank God. Jay, Thorn and myself said goodbye to our friends.

There was absolutely no transition here. You need something, even if it is just a divider (I like using --- personally). Otherwise, this sudden jump in time when up until this point, everything had been happening at a steady pace, will throw your readers out of your story.

You don't need much for a transition. As I mentioned earlier, a divider could work, or you could use a phrase like "Several long and boring hours later..." Just something to signal to your readers that quite a bit of time has passed.

Capcom V's Marvel

It's Marvel vs. Capcom. Also, I have to ask, which one?

(that's when we first moved here FYI)

This came out of nowhere. Either find a way to incorporate it more naturally into the narrative, or remove it entirely. If it's absolutely necessary that the readers know Abbie moved there in 2005, then "you've been saying that since we moved here back in 2005" is one possibility. Otherwise, take it out.

X-BOX

Xbox.

Little did I know that weekend, wouldn't end so fast.

Blatant foreshadowing is blatant. Try and be a bit more subtle. Right now, this immediately leads me to "They're going to get sucked into a game, probably an RPG, and be trapped and have to adventure their way out of it". It's been done before, and done to death, so if that is the basic plot of your story, I hope you have a very good twist or some other element of appeal to make that tired plot shine like new.

Overall, proofread this. Please. And make sure the gaming references you include are accurate. Especially the terminology. A little bit of research goes a long way, and misspelling well-known title and console names is simply inexcusable.

Not really sure where this is going. I clicked on it because I thought the name sounded interesting and I thought the way you used 'Levels' instead of chapters was clever. I hate to say it but I was sort of disappointed. I thought your pucuation could use a lot of work. Also another thing I didn't like was the swearing. I didn't feel it added to the story or the character at all. Perhaps you used it to show just how tough your MC is, but I think there are better ways to do that, that don't involve making her have a mouth like a truck driver.
So my over all impression; I think this story has alot of potential, it just needs a lot of work.
I still like the name.

I agree that the story is good. You just need to read and write more. Good luck!

As before I reviewed your third chapter and really enjoyed piece also! As everyone said I think you're very good at dialogue everything seems to flow and whenever it seemed to get slow you easily fixed it up. However you don't that man descriptions which makes it a little hard to visualize exactly everything that it going on.
Also:

Noelle wrote:"'Sup motherfucker?" I said giving Jay a high five and sitting next to him

I found this soo hilarious.(I know random.)

And also like sometime said before I understand how she's a bit of a tomboy but she doesn't have to curse that much, maybe you could tone it down. Overall very enjoyable and I will keep up with this.

Happy Writing!