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Young Writers Society


Monsters (Part 1)



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Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:19 am
Halloween says...



I really don’t know what I was thinking being out that late, especially walking through the woods, the heart of the woods, where the trees are so thick that you can barely see the sky.

I had two problems: First, I was lost. Second, monsters were on the prowl. I knew I was in trouble so I was trying to walk as quietly as possible.

I walked with as much stealth as I could. I was scared, constantly looking over my shoulder. I almost wet myself when I stepped on a pine cone. I almost wet myself again when I realized that something had heard me.

I held my lantern up, but the candlelight revealed little. I decided that the best thing to do was blow out the candle and hope enough moonlight would shine onto my path. I blew out the candle…. I could barely see anything. It didn’t matter much now. I could hear whatever it was tromping around me. I held still for a few minutes. I could hear the thing hunting me, sneaking closer and closer. My eyes had somewhat adapted to the darkness. I was able to make out a few trees. Then I saw the monster that was stalking me. It was eight feet tall. It took long strides and swung its arms wildly. I saw two large fangs that stuck up from the lower jaw of its flat face.

I didn’t get a good look at it, but by now, I knew what it was. I had the honor of being the midnight snack of a Rylock. I started to think that blowing out the candle was a good idea, because my eyes had now adapted. I still couldn’t see everything, but now that the candle was gone, the Rylock didn’t have a beacon on which to zero in. Its easy meal (which most people lost in the woods become) just became slightly harder to catch.

I started to formulate a plan. I heard the monster. Its pace grew faster. I could hear it grunting and growling. I put my back to the creature and wound up facing east. I counted in my head… one… two… three! I ran for my life. I guess that it was luck that there was only one Rylock hunting me. I had been told that they usually hunt in packs two or three. For some reason, this one was by itself. I didn’t care why and I didn’t have time to think about it. I ran just in time too, because I heard the thing howl and charge after me.

As I ran, I just barely saw a low tree branch that was leaning over and ducked just in time to only scrape my forehead and briefly stumble to the ground. I didn’t stop for an instant. My arms and legs must have been moving so fast that you could barely see them. I’m not sure what happened next, but I thought I heard the Rylock smack into the same tree I did.

That is when I wondered if the thing was lost too. Maybe it couldn’t see very well and the only reason it could find me in the first place was that I had a candle lit.

I ran at a full sprint for what felt like forever. It was probably only a few minutes until I tripped over a tree root. I scraped up my hands, but I was otherwise o.k. I just lay on the ground, panting. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down and listen. I could hear the sounds of the evening. I was listening for the sounds of the charging beast, but to my relief, all I could hear was the chirping of crickets.

I dusted the pine needles of my face and hands, and got up as quietly as I could. I looked around, and listened carefully for any sign of the pursuing monster. Then something fell upon my shoulder causing me to jump back and scream like a girl. I tried to run but tripped over my own feet… How ironic. My heart raced and I knew I would see the end soon. I turned over and awaited the merciless teeth of a ravenous monster. To my surprise and immense relief, a man, not a monster stood over me.

To be continued...
Hey kid... Want some candy?
  





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Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:26 am
Tazy says...



I loved it i crave more. Keep writing and i'll keep reading.
Just belive and you will acheive!
  





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Tue Nov 15, 2005 4:54 pm
Fishr says...



Ohhh...I want MORE! Quite suspensful Halloween! I could picture the chase of the charactor quite well and see the Rylock hunting...

I would love to learn more about this Rylock. What is it? Why does it crave humans to eat? Why do they usually hunt in packs?

About the charactor - why was he/she alone at night if they new these monsters could attack? What about the chars' family?

I enjoyed this very much. So few short stories actually hold my interest from beginning to end. Brilliant job!

PM me when you write part II :D :D
fishr
  





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Tue Nov 15, 2005 7:21 pm
Emma says...



Whoa, very nice. If you made a book I would defiantly read it. I love your work! OK, I'm done now. I had a moment.
  





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Wed Nov 16, 2005 6:16 pm
Carmina says...



Cool story. Suspenseful. I like that the character isn't running the whole time. That would be boring. He keeps stopping. Finding temporary safe places of tripping and falling.
Nit-picks: You begin almost every sentence with "I" (36 sentences). I recommend mixing it up a bit. On the whole, your grammar is pretty good. However:
I had two problems: First, I was lost. Second, monsters were on the prowl.
Don't capitalize "First" or don't have the colin. You can't do both.


ran for my life
,
almost wet myself
,
for what felt like forever
: avoid chiches like the plague. Feshen up your writing a bit by avoiding cliches and tired, used expressions.


lantern up, but the candlelight revealed little
If it a lantern lit by a candle, all this moving around would probably blow it out before he blows it out himself. It if were lit by oil, it would have a more resiliant flame.

Okay, done nit-picking. Since this is a part of a whole nad not a story in and of itself, I look forward to more hcaracter developement and details of time and place in future editions. It is a good start. Don't feel bad about the little nit-picks I pointed out. They really aren't that bad. :)
I reject your reality and substitute my own
  





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Thu Nov 17, 2005 1:44 am
Halloween says...



I can't stay mad at you. Because your my friend and only trying to help.
Hey kid... Want some candy?
  





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Tue Nov 29, 2005 7:27 pm
*Twilight* says...



I really liked this. For some reason I love stories placed in dark mysterious places and I love suspense. (Which is exactly why I'm such a huge m.night shamalyn fan) I don't have any grammatical corrections cause it looks like carmina got them all but, I do have a question: Is the Rylock a creature of your own creation? Cause I've never heard of it.
  








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