The 12 Days of Christmas- Prologue

Hi Areida07,
I would appreciate your comments on "Sylvin," but its really long, so take your time. But, what I really wanted to say was, your story really is a good start. It has a tremendously good bone structure there for you to build on. Now, all you have to do is tweek it and play with it. Most people tend to find editing a real chore and don't get me wrong, I don't relish the thought of tearing my work apart and putting it back together again either, but I do like that editting and revising gives me a chance to have fun with my work. When you first write stories you are so worried about getting all your ideas down, let alone if everything is grammatically correct or fluid. So, when I go back I not only get to check the spelling, but I try to let my imagination run off of what I have already established and flesh out my work. - - Of course, then you have to do it over and over again, because you miss things and that is the part that gets really tedious to me. Well, I am glad that you found my responses to your story helpful and I hope that I was not too critical; you are a very talented writer and I hope to read more of your writing in the future.
-Brooke (BamickAZ)

Ha ha ha...

Okay, I am absolutely going to rip this to shreads. And I am going to have fun doing it!

First person is a little bit tricky to do. Believe me -- I know. I once was writing for four characters in a storybook RPG, which was in first person, and my sister couldn't help but noticing how all my characters sounded the same. Oops. So the dragon, unicorn, teenage girl, and gryphon sounded the same? Not good...

So I know where you are. What is your problem? Your character is an absolute genius.

Consider this:

I curled up my toes and wished the day would never end.

She wished the day would never end. Okay. But usually that requires some knowledge of why she wishes the day will never end. When you're young, you don't think, "I hope this day never ends." That indicates that you understand that time is fleeting and this is the only time you'll be able to do something in the same circumstances. That requires maturity.

But your character seems to want to have shoulder rides. Your very mature tone would be great for a teenager. In fact, just by reading this, I know that you are a mature teenager. Even if I didn't know you, I would know it just from this.

So how can you make it in character?

I know this sounds really hard to do, but I would suggest changing it in third person. I know that, for me, FREAK used to be in first person. Unfortunately, just as this story, my character became too smart, and I had a freaky genius. Good... but not for my story. So I had to change it in third person after two years of writing it in first. Yep. Your eye is probably twitching from the thought of changing it.

Another idea is to see it from a child's view. This is incredibly difficult to do. We know what it was like, but to go back to child like narratives are hard. That would make everything ten times more difficult. Even so, there's several things you can do. If you are learning and struggling with a foreign language, you are aware of what simplistic writing is like. Sometimes I write something in Spanish and then translate it into English just so I can achieve that simplicity.

Yep... I'm a geek.

But I would suggest third person.

The other thing: your description sucks.

I know, I know... I'm not supposed to be mean. But when I was reading this, I was thinking, "Oh man! This idea is so awesome! If only she described this more..."

How can you solve that?

Once again, the easiest way to do this is going into third person. But there's something even more crucial. All description should somehow pertain to the character. For instance, you have a lot of well-thought dialogue. But what does the character think about that?

I imagined a sort of back and forth head movement. She hears this. She's scared. She surpresses a scream. Something of that sort. You have to describe your main character's reactions though!

For instance, check out this:

My bored eyes glanced over the classroom. There, in one corner was a girl with the frizziest hair ever seen. She was wearing a tee-shirt that said “I am # 1, and don’t you forget it!” She was talking about how unfair it was that football was allowed for girls although it didn’t look like anyone was listening.

Then there was a small girl that kept lamenting about her name, Moonfang. Actually I thought it was rather pretty. It reminded me of a dragon soaring, its silohette displayed on the moon as it traveled in the night sky searching for a cow to sink its teeth in. Then the cows would panic from the dragon’s shadow and the dragon would grab one by the neck with his talons and then begin ripping the beast apart as the cow mooed wildly until finally the beast’s throat was opened and the cow died in its own blood.

Beautiful stuff really.

Okay... that isn't bad. It's mostly description though. Let's go further in it. Any thoughts or actions by the main character is going to be italicized:

My bored eyes glanced over the classroom. There, in one corner was a girl with the frizziest hair ever seen. She was wearing a tee-shirt that said “I am # 1, and don’t you forget it!” She was talking about how unfair it was that football was allowed for girls although it didn’t look like anyone was listening.

Then there was a small girl that kept lamenting about her name, Moonfang. Actually I thought it was rather pretty. It reminded me of a dragon soaring, its silohette displayed on the moon as it traveled in the night sky searching for a cow to sink its teeth in. Then the cows would panic from the dragon’s shadow and the dragon would grab one by the neck with his talons and then begin ripping the beast apart as the cow mooed wildly until finally the beast’s throat was opened and the cow died in its own blood.

Beautiful stuff really.

I would go more into it, but you probably already get the point.

Now, that's a descriptive piece. What about adding things to dialogue? Let's look at that now from the same story.

“Charlie, hand me that sponge over there.”

Okay, I knew that was stupid to say, but I didn’t want to lie to her nor did I really want to tell her the truth. Only Sally should know. As for my classmates? They betrayed me way too much. Their loose lips couldn’t hold up to the truth.

Charlie glared and pegged me in the head with the sponge. “What is that supposed to mean?” she asked bewildered.

“It means that I want the sponge.” I turned and started scrubbing the dishes. “How did you know I lived here anyways?”

“Are you being stupid on purpose or what?” she yelled. “I mean, I ask you a simple question, and you start dodging it.”

Actions and thoughts are interlaced with the dialogue. This doesn't mean that you can't have straight dialogue, but there always has to be an undercurrent of action. Otherwise the story just dies on you.

And then...

I have no idea where this is going to go. I think the break between the first part of the prologue and the second part is a little hasty though. There is no transition between them, and though the second part is obviously later, I'm not sure how much. Plus, because Addie is not thinking or acting between the dialogue, I have no idea what her age is.

I'm not sure if this is a worthwhile prologue or not. I know, I sound depressing. But I'll read more and tell you what I think. Okay?

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