So yeah, I don't actually have a good description for it. It started out as a short story for school, then wildly descended into a first chapter. And tell me if you want to know what happens. I'd mainly like reviews about the characters. Do they seem flat and listless? Also, what do you think of the tone? Is it too rushed?
My apartment melted away as we played the game. No one noticed until it was too late and there was only a vague outline. Then Timothy took his turn and we found ourselves in an entirely different place.
Of course we blamed Sarah, because she was the one who had bought the game in the first place. She pointed out that we'd all played Monopoly before with nowhere near these results. We were somewhere in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by half-submerged rocks and buildings. We happened to be directly on top of a gazebo and, as soon as Timothy finished his turn and let go of the little dog, the game board dropped into a hole in the roof.
We could see it there, drifting down to the floor slowly, so we tossed the dice to see who would get sent down into the watery depths to retrieve it. Nara was chosen, and she deferred to Frederick, since she couldn't swim and he had been on the swim team.
As he slowly edged into the water, he protested by saying, "I was the worst one on the team, you know."
"Yes," said Nara, "I know. However, nobody else has your great commitment to swimming."
"You know I'm just doing this because I love you, right?"
"Uhuh."
"Don't I get a kiss before I go?"
The gazebo roof suddenly felt horribly small and I thought, Newlyweds, ick.
When they'd finished osculating, Fred slipped beneath the water and made his way down. I was pretty sure the Community Chest and Chance cards were forever gone, since they had scattered in the invisible current below, but Fred managed to pick up a few. He said it looked beautiful down there and I told him I'd take his word for it.
When we had most of the game pieces back, we decided to play a game to see if we could get back to my house.
We played three games. Nothing changed. Indeed, as long as we played it seemed to me that our current location was becoming more and more concrete.
It was very peaceful, certainly. It was not exactly the ocean; more like a half-submerged city. There was water as far as I could see and there were many buildings sticking out like stepping-stones. The sunlight bounced across the rippling surface of the flood and a cool breeze rustled the leaves in a nearby tree.
"What sort of tree is that?" I asked presently.
Timothy looked up from his inspection of the underwater flora and said, "What? Trees? Oh, that's an oak."
"I wonder if I could swim to it."
"Maybe you can."
"I think I will."
"Uhuh."
At that point I think Timothy had grown disinterested in the conversation, as he returned to looking into the water.
I'm not a good swimmer, by any means, but I figured I might be able to make it. I took off my shirt and dropped it down next to Sarah before inching into the water. She flinched and tentatively flicked it closer to the water until it fell in.
"Sarah!" I said, aghast.
"I'm so sorry, Dem," She said apologetically, "I just wanted it as far away from me as possible; you're really sweaty and gross."
I'd stopped caring about the shirt about five seconds after it entered the water, so I waved her off and said, "Meh, I'll get it later; don't worry about it."
I was getting bored with inching in, so I decided to throw caution to the ravenous dogs and hopped into the water. I think Sarah screamed, but I had other problems when I submerged.
Namely, the water was freezing cold. I thrashed around for a good long while and, when my head was above water, I could see Sarah in general distress at all the cold water that I was splashing on her.
At some point amidst the gibbering, she managed to yell, "Stop splashing me!"
"I don't tread water well!" I returned, somehow managing to tread water perfectly in that time. "Oh. I'll go now."
Sarah stood up and shook her fist at me, so I started swimming to the tree.
Timothy suddenly stood and yelled, "Dem, get out of the water!"
"What? Why?" I was annoyed at this sudden exclamation, since I was out in the middle of what had once been a yard, with nothing within reach to get out of the water on.
"I just saw something big moving under the water! Get out!"
"Oh my gosh, I see it too!" Yelled Sarah, "Run! Find a rock or something!"
At that point I felt something grab my leg and pull me down. I let out all my air and decided I'd take in some water, which didn't go over well. Meanwhile whatever it was that had grabbed me chomped down on my leg and it hurt like the dickens.
I felt like giving up right about then, but I decided it couldn't get any worse if I tried to attack the beast. The two major problems I had with that were that I couldn't reach it and there was so much blood in the water that I couldn't see it even if I could reach it.
The pain in my leg intensified and I felt something snap, then It felt worse, if that's possible.
However, I found that I was no longer held by whatever was down there, so I made for the surface as best as I could.
I drew in breath and found that I was near some sort of stair-step square stone protrusions. I wasn't sure how they'd gotten there in the middle of someone's lawn, but I really didn't care, since they were there and I could use them to get out of the water. I hauled myself up with my arms and finally reached the top, where I collapsed. It wasn't a good place to collapse, since the top was only about a foot wide, but it sufficed.
My left leg had been torn off. I wondered why it didn't feel more painful, then I considered it might be because of blood loss. I wished I still had my shirt so I could use it as a tourniquet, but the chance of it being retrieved was pretty slim and I didn't think I'd be able to do it myself anyway.
Everyone on the gazebo was going berserk. They were waving, shouting, and hopping up and down excitedly. I thought it was pretty funny, actually, then I noticed that there was something behind me.
I didn't have long to observe the beast before it attacked me again. It was scaly and green and much resembled a crocodile. Or an alligator (I can never tell the two apart). It had a very long body and eight legs, all of which sported large clawed hands, which were gripping the stone protrusions quite well. The last things I noticed before being flung back in the water was that the beast had yellow eyes and really big teeth.
Then it leapt at me and we both hit the water again. I was pretty weak, and I think I may have blacked out for a second, but I still tried to stay alive. I wrestled for a couple minutes and managed to keep from getting killed. The crocigator had its nasty teeth right in front of my face the whole time and I couldn't help but think, I'm going to die...no wait, not yet...in a couple seconds maybe.
My last thought before passing out from lack of blood and oxygen was, Hmm, strawberry pie. I wish I had some cream to go with it.
Then I succumbed to the cold darkness.
I was a tad surprised when I woke up later, as I'd been pretty sure I was dead. I was, however, lying in a hammock in a boat. It was a small boat and, as soon as I leaned over to verify that it was indeed a boat, I heard creaking and felt the hammock shift.
"YEE!" I screamed.
Timothy ran to me, shouting, "Dem! Stay calm, you're OK!"
"No I'm not; the hammock is going to fall!"
"You're safe!"
I managed one last wail before the hammock support snapped and I flopped on deck. My leg hit the wood with a horrid thud and I gurgled at the sudden shooting pain.
Strange people crowded around me. They knew my name, somehow, and they all said comforting things like, "Raul! You did not secure the hammock with a good enough stick!" and, "Are you kidding me? They are all too thin! Let's just put him on the dining room table, it'll be easier."
Of course, there was the oddball woman's voice, which said, "Demetri, how are you feeling?"
I couldn't tell who was speaking for awhile so I answered in uncertainty that I felt alright, though my leg still felt like a dwarf was kicking it with steeltoe boots. I felt myself being picked up and carried somewhere, presumably the dining room table.
There was another hard, painful jolt when I was set down. I grunted and tried to sit up, but was pushed down.
Timothy came up with a worried look on his face and said, "Dem, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you lost your leg."
I briefly entertained the thought of kicking him with my other leg, but settled instead for saying, "I know, Tim, I remember it. I was there."
"Oh, you do remember? Sometimes people don't remember, you know."
"Well I do. I felt like a piece of raw steak. Speaking of which, I'm kinda hungry, is there any food here?"
A woman spoke up and I recognized her voice from earlier, "We do not have any steak, though I believe we have some of that beast that ate your leg; we got its tail before it escaped. You might like it; water dragon tastes like pork."
"Oh, that thing was a water dragon? Do they breathe fire?"
"No," she looked slightly confused, "they breathe water. They are water dragons. Were you not listening?"
"He's probably still a little a little woozy." Said Fred, leaning over me.
I rolled my eyes.
The water dragon was indeed quite tasty, though I couldn't eat much of it before I felt queasy. They repaired the hammock, but I said I preferred sleeping on the hull. I didn't, actually, since it was cold and hard, but I would've been the only person with a hammock and that bothered me.
I got to know the people on the boat during the next few days. There were seven of them. Morgan had worked as a butcher and enlisted the help of his sons: Raul and Horatio. Darlene, his wife, had been a baker with their daughters: Rae, Harriet, and Cordelia.
Morgan was surprised that none of us knew what had happened to the city, but he obligingly told us anyway.
"It was last Monday," he began.
"Tuesday." Said Darlene.
"Was it Tuesday?"
"No," Said Rae, "it was Sunday."
"I thought it was Saturday, since we had a church service in the boat on Sunday." Said Raul.
"That was after we got the boat, early Sunday morning." Said Morgan with certainty, "Yes, I remember now, it was late Saturday evening and the carpet started getting damp. We opened the door and saw that the yard was flooded. Our neighbors had already gotten their sailboat out with all its trappings, they said the hydraulics in the island had failed and the whole thing was sinking. Well, I offered to buy my neighbor's rowboat, but he said he needed it for supplies.
"I went back inside and got the kids up so they could start packing. We started looking all over the house for something that would float, but since it's just hewn rock, we didn't find much until we got the roof boards and started nailing them together to make a raft. We waited a couple hours before the water had risen enough, then we floated out of the attic. We drifted along for awhile, then on Sunday morning we found a big rowboat tethered to a tree on a hill. We cut it loose and transferred a bunch of stuff to it, then our raft sank and we jumped on in. We've been drifting around ever since, trying to get to the nearest land using spatulas as oars."
"How far away is the mainland?" I asked.
"A ways. This island was originally self-sustaining, so they put it pretty far out with a few other islands nearby. We'll try to strike out for them."
"And what if they're sunk?"
"We'll pray real hard that there isn't a war going on in the mainland countries."
We ran out of water pretty quickly, but every time we did, it started raining and I was given a vessel to hold under the clouds. I watched as everyone scurried all over the boat and tried to catch individual drops. It didn't work much better than standing still, really, but I found myself wishing I had two legs.
It's funny what people take for granted.
Approximately one day before we spotted land, I was engaged in fishing. I was willing a little red fish to go for the bait when Fred yelled that he'd gotten one. Since he'd never gotten so much as a nibble before, he got overexcited and danced around the boat holding up a little three-inch long minnow.
Nara informed him that it was puny in comparison to the six-inch one that she caught. Fred stuck his tongue out at her and continued his fish dance.
I continued fishing until I hooked something. I never fished prior, so I didn't know what it was. I asked Morgan and he was equally mystified. "I know cow meat, sheep meat and goat meat. Fish is one of those things that you say, 'Hmm, I hope this doesn't kill me.'"
Rae turned from her post at the tiller and squinted at the fish briefly. "I believe that is a golden pardene."
"A 'what'?"
"It is a saltwater fish that normally circles water dragons like a pilot fish. Do we have any machetes papa?"
"Eh?" Grunted Morgan, "We have a box full of cutlery, would that do?"
"I suppose. We are going to be attacked soon, I think."
"Really? How do you know?"
"All the fish are leaving. That water dragon must have enjoyed your leg, Demetri."
"Glad to know I'm so tasty." I said, getting up and hopping to the cutlery chest. I picked out a bulky butcher knife and hopped back to the side of the boat to pick up all my fishing stuff. I lost my balance halfway back and sprawled on deck. The knife hit the side of the boat and stuck there.
Rae helped me up and sternly informed me that I would not be battling the sea monster today. I was about to protest that I would be fine, but then the boat lurched and I reconsidered my position on the subject as I fell to the deck again.
"I think I'll stay down here. You can fight the dragon for me, 'k?"
"Or I could just get papa to. He does this for a living, you know."
"Yeah, but the animals I carve up are all dead." Morgan pointed out. The boat lurched again and there was a faint cracking from the hull. "Yep, I think we're just about doomed."
A scaly handful of claws clamped onto the railing right next to my head. I whimpered and pulled out the butcher knife, then chopped at the hand, embedding the knife in the beast's flesh.
Teeth shot out of the water and I found my hand, along with the knife, was clamped in the beast's horrible jaws. I tried to release my hand, but the water dragon had already mostly severed its ties with the rest of my body, so it was fruitless. I relinquished my hold on my hand a second later and collapsed on deck, holding the bleeding stump.
"Here, keep pressure on it with this." sighed Rae, calmly handing me a handkerchief as if all I had was a nosebleed.
I stared at my hand, hardly believing that I had gotten two amputations within a week. Rae flicked the handkerchief at me insistently, so I took it and tried to put pressure on my stump.
The water dragon attacked again, rocking the boat and adding to the confusion. It's scaly head breached the water and it rose above the waves to survey its prey Rae pulled a fillet knife from the cutlery box and leapt at the water dragon just as it lunged for me again.
I'm sure it was an epic battle, but I didn't see any of it, since I fainted shortly after it started. All I saw was that Rae managed to jam the fillet knife in the beast's eye socket and they both fell out of sight.
My leg and hand hurt when I woke up, so I tried not to move them. My stump was now wrapped in someone's shirt, which was so soaked with blood I couldn't tell whose it was. Morgan was sitting next to me, whittling a bird from a bar of soap. He looked at me for a minute and said, "You realize my daughter almost died for you, right?"
"Oh. I didn't....I never...is she ok?"
"She's fine, but I'd advise you to learn how to kill monsters before you try to go after one that's after you; you're a bit inept."
"Where is she, is she hurt?"
"Hmm? Oh yeah, she's got a huge chunk outta her side."
I sat bolt upright and looked around fearfully. Rae was at the tiller; bright and chipper. She waved.
I couldn't see anything wrong with her, so I turned to Morgan and asked, "How big of a chunk?"
"Oh it's bandaged up. She killed the water dragon before its jaws closed all the way, so it's mostly just a line of tooth marks. She's fine, but the point is you need to work on your reflexes if you're gonna get my family to Terrace."
"Uh, I can't get your family to Terrace. I don't know where it is and I'm not particularly nimble on one foot."
"You'll do fine. I'll give you a map and a peg leg. You're lucky; you're lighter by about sixteen pounds, so you'll probably be hopping along way ahead of everyone else."
"But what about you?"
"I'll be dead or in prison."
"What?"
"Best get prepared, we're getting near land. I'm almost ready with your peg leg and-"
"Morgan! Why am I leading your family?"
"The simple reason is that you have been lazing it up on my boat, feeling sorry for yourself this whole time. Your friends have helped out tremendously, but you haven't done anything productive. Indeed, you've managed to get your arm and leg chewed off by a horrible predator. Granted, we now have enough meat to feed us for another week or so, but other than that you haven't done much."
I tried to protest that I'd done lots of interesting things, but the truth of the matter was that I spent most of my time unconscious, recovering from the amputation.
"Wait, that first amputation wasn't my fault."
"You were in the water, right?"
"Yeah..."
"So who shoved you?"
I stopped talking.
"I'm not trying to force blame on you, I'm just saying I think you need to stop being so down. You don't get up and move around, you don't talk to people, you just lie there and fish and feel sorry for yourself. That's not good for anyone. Besides, i'm going to be dead,so I can't do it. The logical substitute is you."
I wasn't sure I saw the logic in that, but I didn't feel like arguing. After all, Morgan and his family had been very kind and Rae had risked her life for me. The least I could do was take them to Terrace. Besides, I'd have a map, right?
We saw land about a day later. It took four more days to get there, in which time I saw a tiny dot swell into a humongous mountain range.
Morgan finished carving my peg leg by noon of the second day and I was able to get a bit used to it. It was strapped on with dragon leather and there was a little diorama engraved in the wood depicting a little man getting eaten by a dragon. It wasn't well done, but it was pretty funny, in a morbid fashion, and the leg served its purpose, so I didn't complain.
I tried to apologize to Rae for almost getting her killed, but she shrugged it off and said, "It is fine, Demetri. There was very little harm done and I am feeling much better. Don't worry about it."
The third day, we ran out of water. It was very windy that day so we figured it would rain. It didn't rain until early morning the next day.
I was awoken from a nice dream by the gentle pitter-patter. I was sleeping in the open, so there wasn't anything to keep it off. I lay there for a little while, staring up as the droplets flew down from the heavens. It was almost peaceful, if a tad cold.
I decided to get up, since there was no chance I'd get back to sleep. Everyone else was up, anyway, so I strapped on my leg and did a slow, awkward version of dancing in the rain.
I danced with Harriet for awhile, which was difficult since she was so short, then I danced with Sarah, which was also difficult as I kept stepping on her feet. Nara and Fred were doing a slow dance off to the corner somewhere and Tim was having a wonderful time trying to dance disco with Cordelia, who thought he was very funny.
At some point, Horatio decided he'd like to dance with Sarah, so I found myself dancing with Rae. It was pretty fun until she did a twirl; she spun three times, stumbled, fell against me, made an unhealthy-sounding noise, and threw up all over me.
Naturally, this made things a good deal less pleasant and led to lots of concern on everyone's part. After she was tucked into a relatively dry portion of the boat, it was discerned that her bite had gotten infected and was oozing something that I was not aware could be produced by the human body.
When we got to shore, there was no welcoming town, so we couldn't get Rae to the doctor immediately. Morgan took me aside and told me that I would have to lead everyone to Terrace.
"We've been over this," I said, "I don't know the way and I am very incapacitated. Why can't you?"
"I'm going to die tomorrow, Demetri." Morgan said, "It is true you are at a disadvantage, but I know you have it in you. Rae's life depends on you. You've seen the map, you have two reasonably good legs and I can't help you."
"Why can't Tim lead?"
"Because I already decided you would, twerp. Stop arguing and do it. Usually it will take about three days to get to Terrace from this shore, but you're probably going to make it a solid week. If I were you, I'd stop complaining and do what I had to do."
And that was the end of the discussion. I was going to lead, everyone had to follow. Of course, I'd been hoping I'd be able to weasel out of it, so I didn't tell anyone what was happening. There were lots of questions, particularly from Fred and Tim. Horatio and Raul seemed to be entirely content with their father's decision, and Darlene, Harriet, and Cordelia had decided to just stay out of the whole thing.
After half an hour in which I received a good sound berating from my friends, I had had enough and started walking away. I wasn't actually going in the right direction, but I wanted to get away from them. I stopped a little ways away from everyone and informed them that, "I don't like this any better than you guys, so let's get this over with before Rae dies, okay?"
Tim said, "But how are we going to move her? She probably shouldn't be walking."
"Oh, I am just fine." Said Rae, "I can walk."
"No, you can't. Tim, start dismantling the boat. Make a stretcher for Rae. Two guys carry her in shifts, you can work out who goes when. We'll start off as soon as we can."
While the boat was being dismantled, we gathered as many weapons and supplies as we could carry. I debated taking the butcher knife set, but decided it was really too heavy and just took the biggest knife I could find. Morgan then repossessed the knife and told me to find my own darn weapons.
When we had compiled a bunch of stuff, we picked up what we could carry and started off. Darlene and Morgan said goodbye in a very formal fashion and I wondered briefly what was going on; nobody seemed to care that the man was going to die.
I wondered how he was going to die, as he'd never specified what would happen. I thought of asking one of his family, but figured I could go without knowing.
I think this needs a lot more emotion. Really connect us to the piece and the characters. Make their reactions more realistic, not so much "Oh, my leg got ripped off by a monster. What's for lunch?" Right now everything feels like it's taking place in a hazy, dream-like state... Like they're on drugs, as I mentioned earlier. Things jump around a lot, some crazy stuff is going on, yet these characters seem to take it in stride, like they're set apart from it all.
