The Spare~1 (Edited)

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Okay... so, this may seem a tad cliche (or maybe not; I'm always worried that what I write is cliche) but it gets weirder... a lot... and, um... well, yeah. Hope yall enjoy.


Image


ONE


When the queen and king of Eriot, after fourteen years of being married, bore their first child at the ages of thirty-nine and forty-two, the entire kingdom rejoiced that their kingdom finally had an heir to the throne. The child was adored, and protected more carefully then anything in the kingdom.

Yes… when he was born everyone celebrated. However, eight years later, when the queen, at the age of forty-seven bore yet another son, nobody really knew what to do. This was a time, and a place where most people didn’t live to see their sixties. Everyone was utterly surprised, so surprised, they hardly remembered to be happy at the birth of this prince.

When the king, an old man by this time, saw his second child for the first time, he frowned, more surprised then anyone, except, perhaps, the queen. But once the shock wore off, he told his wife, “Ah well, now we have an heir, and a spare.”


~*~*~*~*~*~


When he reached the dining room, he paused in the doorway, and made to turn around…

“Tallor!” a high, honey flavored voice called his name, “Come, sit with us, won’t you?”

He sighed, closing his eyes, and trying to convince himself to make a break for it.

Weak, he insulted himself as he stepped into the dining room to see a wide, white grin greeting him, “Good morning!”

He forced a sort of sneering smile, and murmured, “Morning, Layr.”

Tallor sat at a seat across from Layr and a man who was holding her hand under the table. It was A table long enough for fifty people to sit at, and ladened with picked over trays of breakfast food.

“How are you today?” the man sitting next to Layr asked in a voice almost matching his wife’s in honeyed-ness

“Fine,” Tallor muttered low through a gravely throat.

The man frowned, “Just fine?”

Tallor, helping himself to eggs and toast, nodded, “Yes, Dreek. Just fine. I have nothing going on in my life, and I never will,” as he talked his voice got lower, quieter, and gravellier to the point where he could barely be understood.

Layr’s eyebrows furrowed, “What was that, Tal?”

Dreek, who was more accustomed to his brother’s indecipherable muttering explained, “Don’t worry about it, Layr, he’s just being moody.”

“Oh,” Layr didn’t look convinced. She patted her brother-in-law’s shoulder in a comforting manner.

Tallor’s eye twitched in distaste at her touch.

“Well…” Layr glanced between the two men, her eyes finally landing on Dreek’s with a meaningful, excited look in them, “We have some… news…”

Dreek, who was taking a sip of a purple liquid that could have been grape juice or wine, choked slightly on the drink, and lowered his goblet quickly, wiping his lips, and shaking his head, “Not now, Layr.”

She nodded, suppressing a smile, and taking a final bite of her breakfast.

“Hm,” Tallor raised his eyebrows, and finished off his eggs quickly before excusing himself.

“Goodbye Tal!” Layr bid him farewell, giving him another flashing smile.

Tallor waved at her vaguely, but when he was out of the dining room he scoffed, thinking to himself, I can’t stand how… happy they are...

Tallor walked from the dining room to a huge room with high walls, chandeliers, and at the center of it all a raised platform with two thrones sitting upon it. In one throne, a woman sat, and in the other a man. They were both quite old, and the man’s head had lulled onto his shoulder, his eyes shut, and his mouth slightly agape. Although the woman wasn’t sleeping her eyes were glazed over as she stared out, and when Tallor walked into the room she didn’t even seem to notice.

On one of the steps leading up to the thrones a person stood, her hands held together behind her back. She was dressed in a pair of socks that disappeared under her short skirt; one sock was yellow, one was purple. Her shirt and skirt were like-wise divided, the yellow and purple alternating sides. Although this outfit was striking in itself, most eye-catching of all was her hat. It was divided into three sections, each hanging off her head and coming to a point with a little ball hanging off of it.

She frowned at the king and queen, then shrugged at Tallor as he approached them.

He stopped right in front of the first step, and cleared his throat loudly.

The queen’s eyes went huge as she turned to him, obviously surprised that he was there, “Oh! Hello, there Tallor.”

“Good morning,” he sighed, “Mother.”

The queen elbowed her husband roughly, “Wake up!”

He gripped the arms of his throne as he sat up straight, his eyes opening with a flutter, “W-what?” he asked, shaking his head to clear it and giving the queen an annoyed look.

“It seems our son would like to speak to us,” she explained, gesturing towards Tallor.

The king looked at him, and nodded, “Alright… so what is it?”

Tallor took a breath, before saying, “I have a question.”

“Go on then, ask it, dear,” the queen instructed him, her voice slightly irked.

Tallor hesitated, repressing a dirty look, sorry to interrupt your day-dreaming, mother, “Well. I hate to be the one to bring this up, but, you two aren’t going to live much longer.”

Both of his parents frowned at this, but neither argued, while the girl standing on the steps covered her face to repress a snort at Tallor’s frank demeanor.

“And, I was just wondering, when you do die-”

“When we die we will go to heaven. Which is more then I can say for young men who disrespect their parents…” the king cut him off, speaking in a threatening tone.

“I wasn’t asking about that,” Tallor rolled his eyes, “No. I was going to ask a question about,” he paused, knowing that it created a dramatic effect, “Succession.”

The king and queen glanced at each other, then the queen looked down at Tallor, her lips pursed, “What of succession?”

“Someone with your brains ought to understand,” the king pointed out, “it’s quite simple; the king and queen’s eldest child takes over after they pass-”

“Of course I understand that,” he scoffed, “my question is: has ever a sort of,” he snapped his fingers, searching for the right word, “deal, been struck, a deal that would change the natural order of succession?”

The girl on the stairs and the king exchanged looks, whereas the queen snorted at this.

“Oh, Tallor,” she shook her head, then leaned towards her son, her eyes narrow and disbelieving, “do you even hear the words issuing from your mouth?!” she threw her head back, and chuckled, then straightened up, her face now serious. “No. Such a deal has never been struck in all the generations of Eriot royalty before us, and I don’t plan on one being struck anytime soon.”

Tallor returned the queen’s powerful stare with a scowl, “B-but,” he shook his head in disgust, “don’t you get it?! You said yourself, father, that I’m clever. More clever then Dreek, surely.”

“I never said anything about-” the king began, but Tallor paid him no mind.

“And I’m sure Dreek would agree to a deal! I hear him complaining about the responsibilities of being king every other day!” Tallor insisted, looking at the queen desperately.

“No,” she said, looking down on him with merciless eyes, “I’m sorry. That’s how it’s always been, dear.”

“But-”

“If we were to die tomorrow,” the queen continued, cutting him off, “You would still be thirteen years old! How could you become king?”

“Fourteen, mother,” he muttered angrily.

Ignoring this, she continued, “Furthermore, your brother is married and soon enough him and Layr will have their own children and we won’t have to worry about them not having an heir of their own.” Now the queen paused, and aloud Tallor to reply.

However, he was too miffed to say anything. He just stared up at her with narrow eyes.

The king sighed, “Don’t look like that, son. This is how it’s been for years… the oldest child always takes over.”

“I don’t care! It’s stupid. I’m a dozen times smarter then Dreek, and I would make a far better king,” he explained angrily.

Before either of his parents could say anything to placate him, Tallor stormed out of the room.

The queen looked at the king, a glare in her eyes that made it clear that she felt it was all his fault.

The king sighed and groaned, turning his head slowly from his wife, to the colorfully dressed girl. “Follow him.”
Last edited by TabbyGirl on Mon May 16, 2011 2:53 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Ooers! You have a very clean style of writing! I like it very much. :)

In the Prologue, I think it would be best to mention the sons' names! That way, we'll be prepared a bit.

I also have a question for your world! In most kingdoms and stuff, the spare, I guess you can call him, while not expected to be royalty or whatever, is expected to play a role in the house and to do active things there, as far as the military or diplomacy goes. For instance (and yes, I am kind of obsessed with the movie,) in The King's Speech, you'll see Bertie doing many different sorts of things to that regard. And even in olden times, which is kind of where this is placed at, the other princes were supposed to learn things, just in case, and their families tried to put them into really rich positions where they controlled a lot, even though they weren't monarchy. It seems kind of weird that he should be so short-changed, if that makes sense.

Also... er... Tallor sounds kind of like a whiny brat. I mean, really like a whiny brat. XD Maybe this is me showing my age, but I really don't like him that much! He has a lot of potential to grow as a real character, so I am really looking forward to him doing that. :) For the moment, however, I don't really like any characters, lol. However, since the writing style is so clean and because it handles a cliche somewhat decently, I wouldn't mind reading more! :D

Just one thing! I think you should add on to the ending more. Him storming off is, while characteristic of him, is awfully immature, and you should probably give a hint as to what's going to happen next... the adventure, as it were! So, definitely make a conscious decision to propel your story at the end of every chapter, otherwise it may be hard to continue. :) You want to make it a cliffhanger that leads to another scene, generally, because then that will make you want to write more!

Keep going! :D
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Hello! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Ever since Tallor was a very young boy, he was tall, skinny, pale, heavy lidded, dark haired, and dark eyed. Just as he was when he turned fourteen.


I don't like this. At all. Show us the boy through the story, don't just give us this information right now.

“Yes, Dreek. Just fine. I have nothing going on in my life, and I never will,” as he talked his voice got lower, quieter, and gravellier to the point where he could barely be understood.


Is that last bit added on in a dark mutter? If so, full stop after life.

I can’t stand how… happy they are...


I don't like this second ellipsis.

Alright.

II. DEATH

Okay, so, do you ever walk into your parents' room and say, hey, you're going to die soon?

Hopefully not.

And not matter how useful a plot device it is, neither should your characters. They should be just as human as us. Sure, if he needs to bring up the topic, then he will do so, but it should be natural. I know he's already had breakfast, but accidentally breaching it at the table or something would be a lot more realistic. Try and make him as natural as possible. He's fourteen, surely he knows what happens. And he's unhappy with it. Cool! So make him more of an angsty teenager than a cardboard cut-out.

III. THE MORNINGS

I'm always a little sceptical about stories that start with the MC getting up, getting dressed etc. And there's no reason for it here- it sticks you in a difficult position, truth be told. You could have these scenes happening anywhere more exciting. They could be at a croquet party or something. You're the writer, you make the decisions. So why go for the boring "I get up, I brush my teeth approach?" Have some fun, and your readers will have fun too.

IV. OVERALL

I absolutely love your tone. It's so great, so natural and satirical and funny. And your fairytale-gone-wrong introduction. I like it. It has lots of charm. Just some content things to work on.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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This was very beautifully well done in my opinion! I hope that you write more of this so I may keep reading!!! I found some mistakes but those have already been pointed out so I do not think it wise to repeat what has already been corrected XD. So I say good job and Keep up the good work. The tone and description painted a vivid picture in this and I hope you keep going!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3
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I like your style of writing! One thing I was wondering about is how Tallor could be so annoyed that he wasn't going to be king when he's only 14. You'd think he'd understand that he's too young... at least I would. I would maybe have him be a bit older, but that's just my suggestion.
Also, the whole exchange between Tallor, his brother, and his brother's wife was a bit confusing... it started on one topic, switched to another, then abruptly people left the room. I don't know if that conversation was necessary... if not, I would take it out, or at least clean it up a bit.
Other than my opinions, you've got a great story going!

-Tori =D
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When the queen and king of Eriot, after fourteen years of being married, bore their first child at the ages of thirty-nine and forty-two, the entire kingdom rejoiced that their kingdom finally had an heir to the throne. The child was adored, and protected more carefully then anything in the kingdom.

Yes… when he was born everyone celebrated. However, eight years later, when the queen, at the age of forty-seven bore yet another son, nobody really knew what to do. This was a time, and a place where most people didn’t live to see their sixties. Everyone was utterly surprised, so surprised, they hardly remembered to be happy at the birth of this prince.

When the king, an old man by this time, saw his second child for the first time, he frowned, more surprised then anyone, except, perhaps, the queen. But once the shock wore off, he told his wife, “Ah well, now we have an heir, and a spare.”

This is a very good beginning. It makes me want to read more.

Ever since Tallor was a very young boy, he was tall, skinny, pale, heavy lidded, dark haired, and dark eyed.

This isn't a good way to describe a character. It is a long list that is a little boring to read. Try to describe what Tallor looks like throughout the story instead of in one sentence.

Just as he was when he turned fourteen.

It wasn’t the day of his birthday, but a couple of months after.

Is there any reason to tell how old he is in this way? If not, just say he's fourteen.
The outfit, with its poofy sleeves and dark, gloomy color that mimicked that of his hair and eyes made Tallor look like a sad, spoiled son of a bitch.

There should be a comma after eyes.

I’ll just eat some breakfast, then I have to have a word with my parents he decided

Thoughts are usually italicized so it is easier for the reader to know what the character is thinking. Also, the ellipse isn't needed.

When he reached the dining room, he paused in the doorway, and made to turn around

The ellipsis here isn't needed either.

“Tallor!” a high, honey flavored voice called his name, “Come, sit with us, won’t you?”

Come shouldn't be capitalized.

He sighed, closing his eyes, and trying to convince himself to make a break for it.

This sentence would sound better if trying was tried.

A table long enough for fifty people to sit at, and ladened with picked over trays of breakfast food.

Ladened should be laden.

“Well…” Layr glanced between the two men, her eyes finally landing on Dreek’s with a meaningful, excited look in them, “We have some news

We doesn't need to be capitalized. The ellipses aren't needed.

Tallor waved at her vaguely, but when he was out of the dining room he scoffed, thinking to himself, I can’t stand how… happy they are...

You're using ellipses in a lot of places where they either don't belong or aren't needed. They should rarely be used.

Tallor walked from the dining room to a huge room with high walls, chandeliers, and at the center of it all a raised platform with two thrones sitting upon it.

There should be a comma after all.

Although the woman wasn’t sleeping her eyes were glazed over as she stared out, and when Tallor walked into the room she didn’t even seem to notice.

There should be a comma after sleeping and room.

The queen’s eyes went huge as she turned to him, obviously surprised that he was there, “Oh! Hello, there Tallor.”

The comma after there should be a period.

“Go on then, ask it, dear,” the queen instructed him, her voice slightly irked.

The comma after then should either be a semicolon or a period.

Now the queen paused, and aloud Tallor to reply.

Aloud should be allowed.

The king sighed, “Don’t look like that, son. This is how it’s been for years… the oldest child always takes over.”

The ellipse isn't needed.


Why would Tallor not know that his brother would become the king? At times, he seems too naive and immature for a fourteen year old. By that age, he should at least have some knowledge about who replaces his parents when they die.

Though you are right that it is a little cliche, the story is good. As long as you make sure later in the story that it doesn't become too cliche, it should be fine.
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"Ever since Tallor was a very young boy, he was tall, skinny, pale, heavy lidded, dark haired, and dark eyed. Just as he was when he turned fourteen." First of all, this is a lot of detail to be crammed into one sentence. Try to show more than tell... Later on, doesn't he look in the mirror at his 'dark outfit that matches his dark hair?' or something like that? I think that's good. Do more like that. :)

Did they eat pancakes in medieval times? Is this supposed to be in medieval times? It doesn't always sound like it is... *shrug*

“Well. I hate to be the one to bring this up, but, you two aren’t going to live much longer.” O.O Yeesh. Harsh.

Is jester-girl important? What is she doing when he comes in? Is she really just standing there, or is she making some kind of effort to do her job even if the king and queen aren't cooperating with her attempts to entertain them. Maybe she's sitting on the edge of the platform, lazily juggling a single ball, slowly, looking around for something more interesting to do... I don't know about her personality, so I don't really know how she would react. I also don't know her history, or how she got this job or anything. And yet I think she's my favorite character so far.

I agree with Snoink. Our MC sounds like a spoiled brat thus far. And he sort of acknowledges he is, and maybe that will change by the end of things (character growth is always good!) but at this point, I see no reason to keep reading if he's going to keep being such a jerk. His parents seem kind of dumb ("A second baby? Ah, well. Now we've got a spare! 8D") as do his brother and sister-in-law...

You'd think that at the very least, he would know who becomes king by the end of this time. That seems like the kind of thing that would be mentioned earlier.

The way he storms off is kind of abrupt, especially when it comes right after the part about him making a better king than his brother. The thing that makes me squirm is that we have NO proof that this statement is accurate at this point. It's hard to root for somebody when you suspect that they're wrong, and based on this behavior, I would say that he's wrong.

I'm not really connecting to the characters... Almost the opposite, in fact... I'm unsure about the setting...

Basically, this has potential to be a good story, but it's still pretty rough in a few of its aspects. :/

Keep writing. :]
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Hey Tabby! Shrubs here to review. I hope I can be of some help to you. :)

Spoiler
The child was adored, and protected more carefully than anything in the kingdom.


“Goodbye, Tal!” Layr bid him farewell, giving him another flashing smile.


Although the woman wasn’t sleeping, her eyes were glazed over as she stared out, and when Tallor walked into the room she didn’t even seem to notice.


When the queen and king of Eriot, after fourteen years of being married, bore their first child at the ages of thirty-nine and forty-two, the entire kingdom rejoiced that their kingdom finally had an heir to the throne.
You might think that what I am saying is being a bit...too nosey, but I am a person who wants a brilliant opener to any short story/novel I read or write. Even when I am writing, I change the opening so many times that sometimes I abandon the project. It's not the best thing to do, but I think your opening sentence wasn't hooking enough. You know it seemed like I was reading something of a dull story grandma's read, but I know it's much more than that. So, I'd suggest you to make the opening a bit more dramatic, and not just jump to the point straight-away. Just read it and see if you would like to read something that starts like this. I am sorry if I did a bit with this point but that's what I mostly notice: is the opener hooking enough or not?

I'd have to give you the credit of having the best ending line in the prologue I have ever read. It was actually short and sweet. You didn't give away anything from the story but it still indicated at something that might unfold in the near future. It was like you told us a bit about the story, without revealing more than necessary. Also, I liked the rhyming of the words 'heir' and 'spare'. It sounded musical. :)

Okay, so about you worrying whether it sounds cliched, when you shouldn't fuss too much over it. You can always take it as a writing exercise, and I don't think it seems cliched. I agree that we've had this heir vs. spare rivalry for years in the monarchical form of government, but I don't think we've had a store from the perspective of a spare. It seems like a fresh idea, and I think you'd have definitely more unique plans than the spare trying to poison up the heir or the present king. If the idea in itself, or the concept as I would say, is not original, there are always ways to make it sound or read original. So you have a better situation considering it ain't cliched. So, just try innovative things and race your mind to the evil side. Think like you would had you been a spare. I bet, though, that you've got some plans already, and I know they'd be good. :)


I think you've portrayed Tallor not only as a brat but also as a very hot headed person. He thinks too greatly of himself, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I hate him; I understand the situation he is in, and I might have also been burning in jealousy if I didn't get the ruling power, but he should know how young he is and how he's not fit to be a king just yet. So, make him logical. He seems too weird to me, and I don't feel any good thing about him. Maybe that's good. :wink:


Now coming to the writing style of yours, I think, to put it frankly, it's bit too straight forward. I mean, it became good from the middle part but before that it seemed kind of rough. Just like something good had bumped into your head and you were in a hurry to let it slide on the paper. It seemed rush, to say. You could take some time to write this, make thoughts run in his head, and let us be more aware of his situation. I didn't feel that much pulled in until the middle portion. Your writing seemed too much of telling right from the start and I was hoping you'd have some good descriptions, expressions or something. I won't say you didn't have any, but not of the quality or quantity a royal set could use.

Ever since Tallor was a very young boy, he was tall, skinny, pale, heavy lidded, dark haired, and dark eyed.
Now I am not such a big fan of these kind of starts. You're actually making a long list of how he looks. If you declare his looks like this, I am sure there won't be many readers registering it in their head. They'd be in a hurry to get away with it and read the next part. So, don't make this an info dump. Make it sound and read interesting. You've got millions of ways to show us how the characters look. Again, aim for showing, now telling.

In the end, I would like to say that your beginning, the part where you to tell us in brief about the history of the kingdom's heirs and the kings was also too much of telling. Instead of having that, you could have a part where the queen is in labor and after the child is born(show some scenes), the king exclaims that they've got a heir and a spare. Like that, you know, or invent something else. I'd suggest you that. :)

Just check out for some commas here and there. Nothing major, though.

Hope this helps, and sorry to keep it brief. Lemme know if you need some help.

~Shrubss
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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