Drowning in Thirst (Chapter 1)

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(My inspiration for this story was a song by the band Lost Prophets called Sunshine, great song!)

Exhausted, I wait for the plane from my home to the New World to land. It is still dark outside, my watch says it's five but I think that is in GMT, and I'm not sure of the time zone here. I miss Glasgow already. I hate having to leave its dirty streets, but I have left too much of an impression there. I have to keep moving now.

Jet lag kicks in and I started getting drowsy. I feel myself nod off into sleep, and I grip the valuable Celtic Cross necklace that hung around my neck, the chain pressed against my scar, the bite mark. My mind dozed into an unconscious oblivion. The next thing I know, I am lying in my bed, back home. I feel the stinging sensation at my neck, my eyes open, and I see my moms boyfriend standing over me, his dark locks of hair brushing my face. I hate that man. He poisoned me.

I plunged my fist into his gut, but I was only thirteen then, now I'm fifteen, and I'm not sure I could have done any better. I needed to fight back, I thought he was going to kill me. I drove my elbow towards his face and screamed for help. It was terrifying, I tried to clot the blood with my comforter, but I just kept bleeding. I felt something hit my temple, cold blood trickled down my cheek and I lost consciousness.
(More will be revealed about the above paragraph!!!)

Thanks to him,I have to drink too. I remember the first time. It was messy. I broke in through the guys window, I was clumsy from the side effects of the thirst. My black hoodie was torn from the shattered glass, the man woke up, aimed his .38 at my chest. His eyes mirrored mine, both of us had blood on our minds. He fired, the shot hit my chest and I felt my own blood trickle down me like ice. Thats the worst part, always being cold. By the time I realized he hit me, I had already recovered.

The force knocked me back, once I regained my balance, I lunged for his throat, consumed by thirst, I tore into him, tears trickling down my cheeks. I hate drinking. I hate the sensation of warm blood down my throat. It sickens me. When I draw back, his throat is covered in blood. I took the .38 from his cold dead hands, aimed, and pulled the trigger. I couldn't let him live the way I do.

I shuddered and awoke, someone had nudged my shoulder, it was the flight attendant. "Sir, This is were you get off," She said kindly. I smiled and nodded, grabbed my duffel bag and made my way through the crowd of leaving passengers to the door. The sun hit me full blast on the face, it stings but I'm okay. As long as I am not too thirsty, I can take the sunlight pretty well.

Now all I need to do is make some friends. Even I couldn't make it out here alone, not yet anyway. As I walked through the crowd, I started to get claustrophobic, too many people breathing down my neck. I need to get out of here. I grab my bag from the conveyor belt and make my way to the exit. The smell of New York is similar to Glasgow. I have around twenty bucks in my pockets, so I make my way into a nearby Starbucks.

I placed my order and found a seat at a table. I love Starbucks, the smell of roast coffee, the sound of people typing away at their computers, the warmth. I love Starbucks. I start to doze off again, I hadn't slept for about a day. Someone nudges me on the shoulder and I turn around to see some old guy.

"Are you Martin? Your orders up their now," he said. He looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. He had long grey hair and a nice leather jacket on. He was bit chubby, but not fat. I grabbed my coffee and sat back down. The bloke was still watching me. He was squinting at my face, and the scar on my neck. "Why aren't you at school?" he asked.

"Holiday...", I muttered, taking a seat that faced away from him and toward the exit. I think he recognized me from the news. I'm a missing person. He may have recognized my foreign accent too. I closed my eye's and took a deep breath. I'm an adept, which means I have heightened senses, I knew an adept from Aberdeen who could sense if someone else was an adept, pretty neat gift. I can detect fear and other emotions by smelling the hormones that someone is giving off.

I sensed aggression. I threw the coffee backwards, hoping to scald him. I ran for the door, shoving past some odd ball and his girl, I tried to use my gift again, the man was following me, but he was calm. I didn't detect any signs of stress. I was right, he's a trained killer. I ran, my feet pounding the concrete as I headed for a nearby taxi, my blood, if I can call it my own, pumping through my veins, the sunlight was too bright for me. I could hardly see.

"Nearest cheap hotel please," I panted to the driver as I tried to close the door. "Wait!" I swore under my breath, it was the guy from the Starbucks. He gripped the door with his hand, and I saw what I needed to see. On his hand he had the mark of a hunter. Someone payed to hunt my kind. I think he found out that I was a vampire when he saw the scar on my neck.

The man reached into his coat, but he wasn't quick enough, I jammed my foot into his knee cap and gripped his arm with one hand and gouged for his eyes with the other. He stumbled back from the knee shot, the cab driver looked pissed, but I was in danger, so I couldn't worry about him. I shoved the old bloke into the curb as a Cadi pulled into a parking spot, I never got to see it hit him, or even if it did, I was already on my way to safety.
Last edited by Paracosm on Sat Apr 30, 2011 3:36 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Woo! I can tell already that you proof-read this story, and I kind of adore you for it. You're awesome! :) Just one thing I noticed! It says here, "I hate having to leave its dirty streets, but I have left to much of an impression there." The "to" should be "too." :)

Now, about this story! I know that you posted this in the short story section, but it really doesn't feel like a short story because you left too many open questions. What is this scar? How did this person get to be a vampire at such a young age? Why is this person so well known? So, there are a bunch of questions just hanging out here, and it would be awesome to see them answered!

Also, the ending didn't really seem too conclusive. It ends with him beating up this one guy, which is nice and everything, but it doesn't feel like the main conflict -- the conflict between him and his father -- has really been resolved at all. So, it seems to be a kind of awkward ending! You might consider extending this short story so that he confronts his father or something. That might be really cool. :)

If this is part of a larger story, just PM me and I'll move it to the novels section! :)
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Hi there, I'm Wiz and I'll be reviewing you.
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I wait for the plane from my home to the New World to land.


I'm really sorry (shouldn't post it yet) but I have a really important thing to take care of. I hope someone else can help you more than I have!

I like the feeling of the story so far!!!

Keep Writing :)


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Ok so I really like this story gives a very impressive ring to it haha. Good job and I have one correction as of now. In the line "Are you Martin? Your orders up their now," he said." The their should be there? Anyways good job I really loved it and I can't wait to read more!!! Good luck and Keep up the good work!!! I will wait for more and Happy Writing!!! May you receive many helpful reviews!!!!
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Hello, I shall be your reviewer today! :)

So I agree with Snoink about the whole proofreading thing. I didn't find anything terrible wrong with your spelling/grammar. Just a couple things here and there. I'm not going to nitpick; I'll just give you my general impression. Okay, here we go.

BEGINNING:

To be honest with you, the first paragraph didn't really draw me in. Your main character is on a plane. What's exciting about that? Try adding in a little more urgency; what kind of impression did he leave? Is someone after him? Open up with a bang and I guarantee you that your readers will be hooked. :)

CHARACTERS:

While your main character is certainly interesting, I don't a feel a connection with him at all. I know is that his mom's boyfriend was pretty much a complete jerk head (I mean if someone turned me into a vampire against my will I'd be furious) and that his life as a vampire hasn't been all butterflies and rainbows. These things give your character some dimension, but he still needs some work. First of all, what does he look like? What is his opinion of being a wanted man? Does he think it's kinda cool? Is he completely terrified? Add in some more of his emotions; it'll make him a lot more realistic.

PACING:

You give us a lot of information in just the first chapter. My suggestion would be to slow down a little bit. Maybe sprinkle in some of your character's back story throughout a few chapters instead of all in chapter one. Maybe you could start out by telling us that your main character is wanted, elaborate on his vampirism a bit, and then end in a cliff hanger. Now that would be an awesome chapter one. :)

That's all I've got. Overall, I enjoyed this. You don't see a lot of guy vampires who are main characters out there (and your main character seems like he's going to turn out pretty awesome).

Hope all this made sense. If you have any questions, message me.

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Hello, I'm Grif! Let's dive right into the critique.

Exhausted, I wait for the plane from my home to the New World to land. It is still dark outside, my watch says it's five but I think that is in GMT, and I'm not sure of the time zone here. I miss Glasgow already. I hate having to leave its dirty streets, but I have left too much of an impression there. I have to keep moving now.


This seemed like a weak beginning. Usually we want an action to start it off; "Exhausted" is a passive thing. If our character began by collapsing onto a chair; then it would be an active action and generate more interest.

Jet lag kicks in and I started getting drowsy. I feel myself nod off into sleep, and I grip the valuable Celtic Cross necklace that hung around my neck, the chain pressed against my scar, the bite mark. My mind dozed into an unconscious oblivion. The next thing I know, I am lying in my bed, back home. I feel the stinging sensation at my neck, my eyes open, and I see my moms boyfriend standing over me, his dark locks of hair brushing my face. I hate that man. He poisoned me.

I plunged my fist into his gut, but I was only thirteen then, now I'm fifteen, and I'm not sure I could have done any better. I needed to fight back, I thought he was going to kill me. I drove my elbow towards his face and screamed for help. It was terrifying, I tried to clot the blood with my comforter, but I just kept bleeding. I felt something hit my temple, cold blood trickled down my cheek and I lost consciousness.
(More will be revealed about the above paragraph!!!)

Thanks to him,I have to drink too. I remember the first time. It was messy. I broke in through the guys window, I was clumsy from the side effects of the thirst. My black hoodie was torn from the shattered glass, the man woke up, aimed his .38 at my chest. His eyes mirrored mine, both of us had blood on our minds. He fired, the shot hit my chest and I felt my own blood trickle down me like ice. Thats the worst part, always being cold. By the time I realized he hit me, I had already recovered.

The force knocked me back, once I regained my balance, I lunged for his throat, consumed by thirst, I tore into him, tears trickling down my cheeks. I hate drinking. I hate the sensation of warm blood down my throat. It sickens me. When I draw back, his throat is covered in blood. I took the .38 from his cold dead hands, aimed, and pulled the trigger. I couldn't let him live the way I do.


I think you could write this flashback a little better. Instead of trying to write it in real time; try describing it as a past event. "I dreamed that I was back at home in that room..." would be more haunting than "The next thing I know, I am lying in my bed, back home."

To be honest though, I'm more interested in seeing the events that led up to the guy being turned into a vampire and how he dealt with the changes. Somehow, starting in an airport doesn't seem as interesting as if we had started with him being normal. That way, instead of seeing a character and trying to reverse engineer him, we can see the character develop.
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"I hate having to leave its dirty streets," Most people would want to leave dirty streets, so I would maybe add a little something to this, about why he loves the streets even though they're dirty. Or is their filth one of the things that makes him so fond of the streets? Does he love it in spite of the dirt, or because of it?

"My mind dozed into an unconscious oblivion." If he's dozing, he's already in unconscious oblivion... I think this needs to be reworded. 'My mind dove', or something, maybe... *shrug*

"I tried to clot the blood with my comforter, but I just kept bleeding. I felt something hit my temple, cold blood trickled down my cheek and I lost consciousness.
(More will be revealed about the above paragraph!!!)" Clot the blood sounds a bit strange. Don't be afraid to say things simply sometimes. 'Stop the bleeding' is fine. Also, good to know that more is coming... But generally I think it could be considered to put an author's note right there, smack dab in the middle of the story. XD

"His eyes mirrored mine, both of us had blood on our minds." For a split second when you said they both had blood on their minds, I thought that the other guy was a vampire too. Maybe you could just add a line. "Except that he wasn't thinking about the taste of it." Or something.

"By the time I realized he hit me, I had already recovered." This sounds odd, too, since usually you realize you're hit before you recover. I think I understand what you mean, but...

"I hadn't slept for about a day" Except for the nap on the plane.

" I knew an adept from Aberdeen who could sense if someone else was an adept, pretty neat gift." An adept who can sense adepts? Handy, I guess, but a little convoluted. XD

The coffee-throwing seems a little rash, don't you think? I mean, someone can feel agression without physically attacking somebody to express it. And for all he knows, this guy is just feeling some aggression because Martin is sitting in his usual booth. Basically, what I'm saying is, you should make it more clear that this dude is about to attack whether the coffee-throwing occurs or not.

"On his hand he had the mark of a hunter. Someone payed to hunt my kind. I think he found out that I was a vampire when he saw the scar on my neck." It was probably that, AND the fact that you threw coffee at him and ran away. ;) Anyway, how does he know about hunters? Has he encountered them before, or is this his first one? Speaking of... Well... Stuff. Is Martin his real name? And why would he use his real name if people are looking for him and he's a missing person.

" the cab driver looked pissed, but I was in danger, so I couldn't worry about him" HE JUST ATTACKED A GUY. A guy who maybe was just in a hurry to get where he needed to go, for all the cab driver knew. Some guy probably just got hit by a car! I would think that the cab driver would be more than pissed; he'd be sayin' "Get out of my cab and call an ambulance! o.O" Then again, I've never been to New York, so... I don't know. Maybe they see this kind of thing every day.

This is pretty well written, all things considering. Just a little polishing could probably make it stronger. One thing I'd like to see is more of a hook. Right now, we just figured out a little bit about how he became a vampire and the fact that he's fleeing to New York (obviously not such a great hiding spot if they found him already. He might as well have stayed in Glasgow, with its dirty, dirty streets).

He doesn't have any goal that I've seen, aside from maybe getting revenge on the vampire who turned him. He's just running. Somebody found him and was chasing him, but now he's dead(?), so that conflict is coming to an end. Give him a goal. Why New York? What's he going to do after this near scare? Get out of town as fast as he can, or stick around? Give us some hints as to what conflicts are coming up, even if it's just a simple thought of "How did they find me so fast?". Give us something that will keep us reading. :)

Also, we don't know a whole lot about your character, other than the fact that he likes Starbucks and dirty streets, and doesn't like to drink blood even though he's a vampire.
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Thank you all for the critiques, but I'm going to approach these parts from a different angle! I'll post the rehash soon!
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I actually enjoyed this, I think it's a pretty good pace and interesting concept. I can't wait to see where you take it. I do think some questions have been unanswered but as long as you answer them in the next chapter, it should be fine. Anyways, great job and good luck on your future writes.




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I agree about the proof-reading, awesome! The end of this chapter really drew me in, kept me in suspence. Great! Although the very beginning was kind of slow, I enjoyed this a lot. I don't like a lot of vampire-like stories, but this one actually seems interesting to me. Keep writing! :)
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I like it! Just a few things:
Throughout the story you keep on switching from past to present tense. Which one are you going to settle on? An example of this is:
"I placed my order and found a seat at a table. I love Starbucks, the smell of roast coffee, the sound of people typing away at their computers, the warmth. I love Starbucks. I start to doze off again, I hadn't slept for about a day. Someone nudges me on the shoulder and I turn around to see some old guy."
Now, where you're saying, "I love Starbucks, etc.", I guess that's okay, because this is first person and they could still love Starbucks. But the last two sentences, "I start to doze off again, I hadn't slept for about a day. Someone nudges me on the shoulder and I turn around to see some old guy." You switch tenses several times. "I start to doze off again" is present tense, while "I hadn't slept for about a day." is past tense. "Someone nudges me on the shoulder and I turn around to see some old guy." is present tense again.
Anyway, I did enjoy reading this story and hope that you will continue writing!
:)~sMILEY fACE~(:
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