Anything But Normal~Chapter One, Part One

This is really good. I liked how you get the characters to link and it goes straight into the action. I really enjoyed it and can't wait for more additions. So well done and I hope you continue with this because so far it seems to be good.

- bugbug368

Thanks bugbug368!! :) It means a lot!

Hey! First off I really like this, it sounds very interesting! Its just, I think you could of put a little bit more into the start of the story to keep me as the reader hooked on the story(The start is the most important part). Also I think you could just explain a little bit more about the situation that was happening in the store so we know what exactly is going on. Haha, also what does the title have to do with the story? I'm just curious. But I think it's good! Keep writing!

Thanks, Oceanwriter99! I appreciate the review. I'll make sure to go back and edit this (it's a first draft :)) when I can. Yes, I know the title sucks (although it does relate to the story later on. I just don't like it.), but it's only temporary. Thanks again! Your advice helps a lot! :)

Rachael

Interesting! A little short, as others have said, but it's a good introduction to the rest, and it's a good way to show us this power of hers...

Some errors with tense and stuff.
"I turned ... looked ... saw ... is ... can’t..." Should be 'was' and 'couldn't'. Otherwise you should put it into a direct thought by her, setting it aside either in quotation marks or italicized.

As others mentioned, this is just a scene. Right now all I know is that this girl has the power to enchant people. If the whole book is just her going around trancing people into giving her stuff, I'm going to lose interest pretty quickly. Like I said, this is a good introduction, and it's a good way to introduce the character...

But if you really want to catch the reader's interest, don't put this part all on its own. Continue it. Add on to the end and start to introduce a greater conflinct. Make us start wondering already "What is going to happen here?"

Nice work. ^^

Thanks, Silentpages! Yes, I have noticed that I switch back and forth between tenses, which I am definitely going to fix once I edit this piece! Thanks so much for your opinions on this! :D

Rachael

Here ( as requested) sorry for the delay.
Life.
Anyhow, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today.
No grammar that i can see, so in this review I will stick to structure and pleasure( for the reader, of course).
Edits will be in blue.

I looked at -a simple " I saw" would do just fine- my small body in the mirror. The blue in the short short blue, strapless dress brought out the blue similarly colored ( I know it seems cheesy/long, but saying "blue" twice in the same sentence is a little much) specks in my dark grey eyes. My long- you later state that it curls down your back- which leaves the reader to infer that it is, indeed, long. So we don't need to state the obvious- dark brown hair curled down my back and covered the part of my chest that the dress didn’t failed to.
>space<
New Voice. New Idea.
It was exactly right for me. With the way it hugged my hips and fell softly over the upper part my legs, I knew I had to have it. I tuggedpulled the dress off and searched for the price tag. One hundred and twenty dollars for this one dress; that's ridiculous -It's a thought, right?-!

I quickly pulled on my faded jeans and black v-neck, and stepped out of the dressing room. I walked over to the register where I saw a young cashier, looking to be in college. Perfect, I thought; noting his hazel eyes hiding slightly behind his shaggy brown hair.

Here, I love the concept and the story that you have so far. But you seem to be narrating your life, not the story. I would focus more on the vital actions that your main character does throughout story- and leave the reader to assume that they "walked out of the dressing room".

He looked up at me with a grin on his face as he said, “How can I help you?”

“How much is this?” I asked, handing him the dress.

He scanned the tag and said not needed, “A hundred and twenty.”

“Really? Dang it!” I said, trying to sound disappointed.

“What?”

“That’s a little out of my price range… Do you think you could give me a discount?”

“Only employees receive discounts,” he replied quickly.

Time to turn on the charm-again, a thought-, I thought as I made sure to look up into his eyes. “You’re an employee, aren’t you..?

I searched for his name tag but couldn’t find one.

“Tom," he finished for me, realizing what I was looking for.

“Tom,” I repeated, batting my eyelashes. I reached over and ran my fingers through his hair while I repeated his name again.- stop. stop stop stop stop stop! He's a human. And no matter how "hot" or "smexy" the character may be, he'll react to it. As in flinch or something. I think you should mention that here- “Now, are you sure that only employees receive discounts? Because I think it should be 75% off, don’t you?”

“No,” he said and my face turned into a frown. “I think it should be free. My treat, gorgeous.” He stared into my eyes intently and I smiled in return. He seemed to melt.

“How sweet,” I said although I knew this wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart. No, this was all me. I grabbed the black bag he handed me and turned to head for the door. Just before I stepped outside, I heard yelling from behind. I turned to see a woman yelling at Tom.

“You can’t just hand free stuff away to every cute girl you see!” she shouted. “That’s coming out of your paycheck!”

Tom was just beginning to come out of the trance that he had been in; shaking his head to free it of the fuzziness.
eh?
Are you revealing something about your character..?
Expand, baby!

I turned away, feeling sorry sympathy for him. That was, until I looked in my bag and saw the silk dress that I had just received without paying a cent.

Seth is going to love this! ( I thought?)I couldn't wait to show him.

Overall:
I really like this piece. It get's me wondering exactly what happened back in the store.
That's Good.
Just smooth out a few of my nit picks and focus more on what matters, not just the detail. Look at each character ( be they major or minor) as a human, and individual. So yeah., Just think about how a human would react to the situation- and the rest just happens!

Keep Writing!
-----------------------
-Jojo

Thanks so much, Jojo! I'll definitely make sure to look over your nitpicks when I come back and start my second draft! :D You've helped me out so much! Thanks again!

Rachael :D

Okay so, Walker here with the first of many reviews you will recieve in the future for your novel ;D. And, seeing as it wasn't requested that I should review the last chapter only, I thought it would be best to review all of them. That being said, lets get on with the show!

So my structures, which usually contain five sections, are dumbed down a bit for shorter pieces. You have your chapters split up into 'part 1' and 'part 2' which makes them relatively short and easy to read. The thing with that is, even if both were together, it still wouldn't be a rather large chapter. Because this is a first draft, I have no qualms against short chapters, but if you're thinking of publishing you might want to beef it up or combine chapters. A short chapter here and there, though, is perfectly fine!

Now, that being said, I have two sections which I'm following today. Nit-picks and Overall. So, here we go!

Nit-Picks:

The blue in the short, strapless dress brought out the blue specks in my dark grey eyes.

The first paragraph of a novel is arguably the most important part of a writers job in creating. Its the hook. When a reader comes to terms with what it provides, its usually the drawing line whether they will continue on or not. That being said, right of the bat we have some redundancy. When you use a noun, verb, or adjective twice in a sentence, it gives the impression of repetition. Lovely in poetry but not so desired in prose. That being said, change the word 'blue' to something like 'cyan' or 'azure'. It gives the impression of a more full-bodied vocabulary.

I quickly pulled on my faded jeans and black v-neck, and stepped out of the dressing room.

Another tib-bit before I peruse through the rest of this piece would be that when you overuse the word 'and' in a line, it makes it seem more like a list of events than actually following somebodies process of doing things. Try using an array of connective words such as 'before' or 'then'. Here you could easily put 'then' or change the tense and write 'Before I stepped out' etc.

He looked up at me with a grin on his face as he said, “How can I help you?”

We've got some tense jumping here. You go from past to present, which can happen in a first draft, but should be looked after during the second. Rookie mistakes like that are often enough spotted out by the reader and, in all honesty, any publisher you might try to put this book forth to.

Time to turn on the charm, I thought as I made sure to look up into his eyes.

This is in first person so you don't have to specify thinking. If you are, though, which isn't uncommon in prose, put it in italics.

“Tom,” I repeated, batting my eyelashes. I reached over and ran my fingers through his hair while I repeated his name again.

I'm guessing this... ability of your characters to be the reason she's anything but normal? For if not, you might want to think of a more human way of doing this. Even the most beautiful of women can't get away with randomly stroking a strangers face. I sure as hell wouldn't (though I wouldn't say I'm beautiful).

And that ends my nit-picks. Now, onto my next section!

Overall:

Okay, so I definitly like what I'm seeing. You have a protagonist here who, though beautiful aesthetically, is also vain. That is lovely character flaw and I give you thumbs up in that section. A good character is a well developed character, and a well developed character is a flawed character. You have this section down pat.

It also shows a bit of foreshadowing, which I may have caught onto, though I haven't gotten to reading the rest of your chapters. I'm thinking that this ease when it comes to getting what she wants is something very unique for her alone... so, I'm excited to read more, nonetheless.

The thing I would say you need to work on is your use of vocabulary. Prose, though simple and sweet, can also be a challenge. You want your lines to be beautifully sculpted. You want your dialogue to be realistic. Its the writers concept of beauty, I think. So, the best way to do that would be to beef up that vocabulary and start using words that give more colour to this piece.

That and I would also like to see you describe things more. I see that you gave it a good shot. You have some nicely worded bits here and I give you thumbs up for that. Just that I would personally think it better if we knew the setting. The way she moved. The way he reacted. His expression as she stroked his face, or the way her hand rested listelessly against her hip. All these little intricate details make a story believable. You have the makings of a great writer. I see it in the way you try. You just need to beef it up and make it more of the story I'm sure you want it to be.

Hopefully that was helpful and sorry if it was long! Back in the day, my reviews were... ridiculously long no matter how perfect a story was xD. Unfortunately, these days, its not really about the length anymore!

~Dreamwalker

Thanks, Dreamwalker! I completely agree, and will definitely keep your review in mind when I start on my second draft! You've helped me out so much! :D Thanks again!

Rachael

So, I must say, I enjoyed reading this, and I think you have done a good job with this piece. without writing a whole lot, you have managed to get across a lot of information, and have done so with considerable style. I thought the pacing was good, and the dialogue was natural.

Judging by the title, I'm going to venture a guess here that we have just seen what is not quite normal about her. It was kind of a surprise to see him give her the dress entirely free, no matter how pretty she is. This either tells the reader that she has some kind of power, or she is just that beautiful. The impressive thing is that you managed to write a piece with enough subtlety to keep the reader guessing, but you revealed enough to keep the reader satisfied and interested. Great opening chapter to make people want to read more, expect reviews on subsequent chapters, as I did particularly enjoy this.
your friend,
---Psudiname

Thanks so much for the review, Psudiname! I appreciate the time and effort you put into sharing your opinions! I'll definitely keep in mind your helpful little hints on what readers like to read when I start my second draft. Thanks again!

Rachael :D

I really liked this. The idea's really fun and it's so different to anything i've ever written. One thing i noticed is you do give away quite a lot of information in a short piece, and maybe some of it could be spread out and given away later on. But apart from that i think this is really good xo

Thanks, Jesskare! I really appreciate that you took the time to review this! :) Yes, I'll definitely keep that in mind when I start my second draft. Thanks again!

Rachael :D

Hi, I'm Jai. A long time ago, you requested a review from my WRFF thread, and I sincerely apologise for the wait. I've been busy in real life, and assignments and sickness have really caught up with me. However, I'm taking a break from writing 3000 word lesson plans, and here I am to review. I haven't read any of the other reviews, so sorry if I repeat what has already been said.

Hope you had a happy Easter!

I looked at my small body in the mirror. The blue in the short, strapless dress brought out the blue specks in my dark grey eyes. My long, dark brown hair curled down my back and covered the part of my chest that the dress didn’t. It was exactly right for me. With the way it hugged my hips and fell softly over the upper part my legs, I knew I had to have it. I tugged the dress off and searched for the price tag. One hundred and twenty dollars for this one dress; that's ridiculous!

Hmm, as a start to a story, I'm not quite sure this is strong enough. There are many reasons why this isn't a good way to start:

1) You're describing your character to the audience in a completely obvious way. It's not a written rule, but for some reason, describing your character out right to the reader appears crass and clumsy. Wouldn't you rather not exactly know what the character looked like from the get go, but discover her appearance along the way through the eyes of other characters?

2) Your character is immediately seen as vain, because she sees herself this way. She's trying to take advantage of a blue dress so her eyes sparkle more, her long brown hair is thick and decadent, she has a nicely curved body. I'm not saying a vain character is a bad character, but I don't think you meant to portray it that way.

3) Your character's thought, "that's ridiculous" isn't really well-founded. We don't know the social-economic background of the character, or her age, so extrapolating upon why the price is ridiculous would be a nice way to bulk out your paragraphs. For all I know, she thinks the price is ridiculous because it's a second-hand outfit at a garage sale.

I quickly pulled on my faded jeans and black v-neck, and stepped out of the dressing room. I walked over to the register where I saw a young cashier, looking to be in college. Perfect, I thought; noting his hazel eyes hiding slightly behind his shaggy brown hair.

Green = repetition. I don't like where this story is heading. I can already tell that somehow your main character is going to receive a percentage off the dress because of something she'll say or do.
Red = why is this a semi-colon?

“How much is this?” I asked, handing him the dress.

He scanned the tag and said, “A hundred and twenty.”

“Really? Dang it!” I said, trying to sound disappointed.

“What?”

“That’s a little out of my price range… Do you think you could give me a discount?”

“Only employees receive discounts,” he replied quickly.

There are so many problems with this dialogue that I don't know where to start.

1) Assuming your main character is shopping in a well-known store, or any store in a mall, a store that sells primarily clothes, a male would not be a cashier. It's a tad unbelievable that a college student is working in a female clothing store. And if there was a male working in a female clothing store, then he should probably be gay. Or at least bi-sexual.

2) Price tags are generally obvious and easy to find on a dress. I don't see how this ploy could have worked. If you are in Target/Walmart, there are price checkers that you scan the barcode under to find out the price.

Time to turn on the charm, I thought as I made sure to look up into his eyes. “You’re an employee, aren’t you..?

I searched for his name tag but couldn’t find one.

“Tom," he finished for me, realizing what I was looking for.

“Tom,” I repeated, batting my eyelashes. I reached over and ran my fingers through his hair while I repeated his name again. “Now, are you sure that only employees receive discounts? Because I think it should be 75% off, don’t you?”

Would you ever walk into a store, try on a dress, like it, ask the price of the dress, and then run your hands through the cashier's hair asking for a 75% discount?

“No,” he said and my face turned into a frown. “I think it should be free. My treat, gorgeous.” He stared into my eyes intently and I smiled in return. He seemed to melt.

Again, the believability of this is non-existent.

“How sweet,” I said although I knew this wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart. No, this was all me. I grabbed the black bag he handed me and turned to head for the door. Just before I stepped outside, I heard yelling from behind. I turned to see a woman yelling at Tom.

“You can’t just hand free stuff away to every cute girl you see!” she shouted. “That’s coming out of your paycheck!”

$120 from a college student's paycheck. Yeah, your character is really sweet and kind.

Tom was just beginning to come out of the trance that he had been in; shaking his head to free it of the fuzziness.

Your character is so beautiful that her looks put him into a trance?

So my overall opinions:

1) Your main character is your typical Mary Sue. She gets what she wants, when she wants, no questions asked. Not to mention she's beautiful, strong-willed, smart and can charm males with the simplest touch. You do not want a Mary Sue character as your main character. Your story title is "Anything but Normal", but your main character is completely and obviously a copy of every other teenage romance story out there.

2) The occurrences in this chapter are completely unbelievable. No one gets given a $120 dress for stroking the cashier's hair. The woman (I assume Tom's boss) in real life, would have stormed out after you and snatched the dress back out of your hands. Tom would be fired too.

What can be done:

1) You could rewrite this chapter to be more convincing. She could steal the dress, she could rip the price tag off the dress and claim it came from a sales rack, she could ask for a discount and not recieve one, she could put the item on lay-by. Any of these things is more realistic than getting a $120 dress for free.

2) You could write this from Tom's point of view. ie:

The girl entered the dressing room with a backless blue silk gown, her high heels clicking on the tiled floor. Tom read a magazine under the counter as he waited for her to come of the changing room and look at herself in the floor to ceiling mirrors provided in the centre of the shop, like all the other vain girls did.

The sound of the latch unlocking drew Tom's attention, and he did a double take as the girl started to pose and twirl in front of the mirrors. Gone were the faded jeans and casual black v-neck. The girl looked absolutely beautiful in the blue, short, strapless dress that brought out the blue specks in her large dark grey eyes. Her long, dark brown hair curled down her back. It hugged her hips and fell softly over the upper part of her thighs.

So, keep on writing, but yeah, I don't think this chapter part was very entertaining or believable. You can write well, so that's not a factor you have to work on.

- Jai