Opal' (Prologue)

Spoiler

I would like to delete two other stories that I'm writing and really concentrate on this one and on Cartora because I really like the idea and I'd really like to keep working on this. I keep changing projects and I feel like sticking to just two. Tell me what you think when you finish reading this! Thanks!
I warn you that there is a bit of blood in this...

Prologue

Women cried with their children hanging onto their clothes, over the dead bodies of their husbands and partners. The scene was awful- as bloody and as filthy as a slaughter house; it was horrible to see the way some men's heads rolled away from their bodies and gruesome to see the inner body parts of the other men falling out with fesh, warm blood oozing from their mouths.

The soldiers- or more like blood thirsty revenge-seekers- had left their wild mark: death. Its stench lingered in the once pure air and the buildings were stained with that dreaded red liquid. On the walls surrounding the castle were written the words: We will get it back.

The people of Kalimina lived in fear of what was going to happen to them next. They had been traumatized by horrifying sights and lived in constant mourning for their lost loved ones. For many years, terror had not reigned over them. They had lived in peace for almost a century after the last great battle. They had never suspected for such a thing to happen again so were living their simple and modest lives normally- not seeing that it was coming to them again.

The legend said that the people of Lugernham had been searching for something- an ever so valuable thing to them for many, many years but still had not been able to find it because it belonged to the peaceful kingdom Kalimina. It also said that only the royal families of the two kingdoms knew what it was and that it lay secret and valuable to their eyes. The king and queen of Kalimina, though, had greater worries than whether or not the Lugernhamers found this precious hidden secret. There was something much more valuable to their eyes and hearts: their only daughter, aged only four months old.

She was 'gifted', they said. With her smile she could enlighten hearts and was said to have special powers lost in the family for many generations. Opalite her name was, as her unique beauty resembled that of the precious stone. Opal.

Hey Mikko!

I'll go through the nit-piks first and then I'll give my overall impression

1. Nit-piks -

Women cried with their children clutching their sides over the dead bodies of their husbands and partners.

As an opening sentence, this isn't bad, but I'd suggest re-wording it a little. Do you mean to say that the women are clutching their children to their sides? I had to re-read it to get what you were trying to say. Maybe try something like -

'Women clutched their children to their sides as they cried over the dead bodies of their husbands and partners.'

The soldiers, or more like blood thirsty revenge-seekers had left their wild mark: death.

I think you need a comma after 'seekers'

and lived in mourn for their lost loved ones.

I'm not completely sure, but I think 'mourn' would be better as 'mourning'

They had never suspected for such a thing to happen again so were living their simple and modest lives in happiness- never expecting that such a thing would be triggered off again.

This sentence repeats itself. The beginning and the end part are basically saying the same thing. I'd nix the end part.

The legend said that the people of Lugernham had been searching for something- something ever so precious to them for many, many years but still have not been able to find it because it belonged to Kalimina.

I'd get rid of the second 'something' I understand what you're going for, but because you repeat 'many' too, it kind of loses its effect.

worries than wether or not the

'wether' should be 'whether'

aged only of four months.

I'd nix 'of'

2. Overall impressions -

Okay, so I did like this. You set the scene at the start pretty well, but then it became more about a legend that was believed rather than why the devestation had been caused. Which is fine, because this is a prologue and its purpose is to introduce the reader to the story.

I'm interested to know how you continue this. The part about their daughter having a gift is good - I want to find out how it fits in with the story. I'm guessing that the plot is going to focus on her as the story is called 'Opal'

I think you should definitely continue this

I hope this review helped!

xDudettex

Hey Mikko!

I thought your story was a good start. Two things popped out at me.

aged only of four months.

I think you should get rid of the of. Also,It might just be me, but

She was gifted, they said.

I think gifted should have quotes around it. I really liked it and can't wait to read more!

-Titan

Hey there, Mikko! The name's Trish, and I'm here to drop of a review as review day wanes slowly to its inevitable close. So without further ado, let's get going!

Description and Writing Style

One of the first things I noticed when reading this was that your sentences are often quite awkward, confusing and wordy. It takes a few read-throughs to really understand what's going on here, and that's something you don't want your reader to ever have to do. You'll get way more people to want to read your writing if it can be read easily. I would just suggest that you try to reword some of your sentences to improve this.

The scene was awful- as bloody and as filthy as a slaughter house; some men lay headless, some had their insides showing and some lay with daggers pushed through their chests.

This is a good example of an awkward sentence. We don't really get to see the scene, you just tell us the list of how the people were killed. Remember: show, don't tell! People want to be interested, and good description is one of the ways to make your writing more interesting.

The same goes for writing style, I would have to say. It needs some cleaning up so that it's clear and easy to read, instead of jumbled up without much in regards to organization.

Nit-Picks

I usually would have gone into a bit of detail about your character development before I got down to these, but since this is just a prologue it can wait until your next installments.

Here is just where I'll be going through your piece and looking for things such as grammar mistakes, awkward wording and typos. I won't get them all, but I'll give you the best outline I can of what to look for when you go over it again yourself.

I won't really point out any more awkward sentences or anything either, since I pretty much covered it up above.

Women cried, with their children hanging onto their clothes, over the dead bodies of their husbands and partners.

Your comma placement in this sentence is quite atrocious. You don't need the first one, and where the second one is it doesn't really make all that much sense in the first place. Maybe just clear that up a bit so that we know what you're trying to say.

If you want a really good guide for where and how to use commas, I'd suggest picking up a copy of "A Writer's Reference" by Diana Hacker. I've been suggesting it in all my reviews lately, and I stand by it completely. It covers everything about grammar, punctuation, etc. and I couldn't write without it. So if that sounds at all interesting, here's a link to the site about the book so you can see kind of what it's like: http://bcs.bedfordstmartins.com/writers ... /Main.aspx

But, anyways, moving on...

The soldiers, or more like blood thirsty revenge-seekers, had left their wild mark: death.

This might work better with a hyphen instead of a comma after "soldiers" and "revenge-seekers"

They had been traumatized by horrifying sights and lived mourning for their lost loved ones.

This sentence might work better if you changed it to "...lived in constant mourning..." It just makes it flow and read much better.

For many years, terror had not reigned on them.

Should be ", terror had not reigned over them."

They had lived in peace for almost a century after the last great battle. They had never suspected for such a thing to happen again so were living their simple and modest lives in happiness- not seeing that it was coming to them again.

One suggestion for how to create interest is to vary your sentence beginnings. One rule that I've always found quite useful is to never start a sentence with the same word as the preceding one. It just makes the story flow better and it will be more interesting overall.

their only daughter, aged only of four months.

This is just really confusing and awkward.

Opalite, she was named as her unique beauty was like that of the precious stone: opal.

Yikes, this too is quite confusing. Reword, please!

That's it for nit-picks!

Overall

Overall, I think you have a really good start here. It has potential, that I can see for sure, you just need to work at it more to improve it.

As I said above, one thing that you really need to watch out for here is that you are constantly grabbing and holding your reader's interest. You need to show us what's going on, not just tell us.

And in relation to that, I found that it was a lot of info squished into one small prologue. We don't need to know the entire history right away before the story even starts. Spread it out into your chapters, and show us what happened. Right now it just feels like one big info dump.

But that's pretty much all I have to say for now. Good job so far, and I really hope that this helps! I'll be keeping an eye out for your next chapters, and I hope to see you around here sometime! Best of luck, and keep writing! Bye!

Hi Mikko

You have a great ability to describe and a neat prose to run along with it. With these strengths you have the power and ability to gross out the reader. It's not necessary to do this to tell a good story.

A good story is made up of the story and the story alone. Your toolkit of description and prose is there to facilitate this. You want to make the story look realistic and if not realistic at least interesting.

Your story begins not at the birth of Opal, but at wherever you were going to start chapter 1. Essentially this means you don't need this prologue. If I were you, I'd either delete the prologue entirely or start the story earlier. If you're going to start the story earlier. Show us the city siege. Don't tell us what happened. Don't tell us what the outcome looks like. Give us a scene with characters who witnessed the information you'd like to convey in the prologue rather than the information out of context.

The story also is kind of cliched. How is your story different to all the other savior stories? What I suggest you do to define this is build yourself a character who has personal challenges. She must conquer these challenges and deal with responsibility. If you do this, you shift the focus away from the events and onto the character arc. In a character story, it's far easier to be original.

You have great potential. I hope these tips help you along the path to becoming a great writer.

Keep well!
Yoda

Hey Mikko!

It seems more like a summary of what you want to write instead of a story. I would keep this as a summary of what you're going to eventually have to send to the publishers and then come up with something really awesome for chapter 1.

Nice stuff!