Trait (Chapter One and Two)

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This was an idea that came to me all of a sudden, at the moment I have Two Chapters done and a third in the making. All the chapters will be in this post. It's set in Eastern Salief, a fantasy location made by me. I have more development-wise for this story, but anyway, here's chapter one!

CHAPTER ONE:

Spoiler
Chapter One

As the sun set on the barren lands covering eastern Salief, a tree stood tall as a single leaf fell from it’s thick arms. A small town fell asleep as day turned to night and a final door closed. Trait stood looking from his hut he called home. It wasn’t large nor was it comfortable but it was home. Its oak walls damaged from brutal winds and its soaked roof destroyed. Trait looked down on the people below him, the lucky ones. He looked down on the animals in their dens, the loved ones. He looked above into the sky where everyone he knew had ascended, the saved ones.

A morning breeze blew over Salief, birds covering its orange glow. A lone eagle called, waking Trait from a deep sleep. He clothed himself and clambered up to his mountain perch once again to look down from the northern side of Visau Gorge. Trait had lived on the gorge for too long. He couldn’t remember a time when he had not lived there. He had always been alone, always above. He had not made contact with another human in 11 years and had never wanted to after The Establishment destroyed everything he knew and loved. The Establishment was a small group of people living in the South of Salief; they were hit men hired to kill anyone. Man or woman, old or young, they didn’t care, just as long as they got their pay.

Trait looked down at the town below and as the doors opened and stores unlocked and as people started rushing around; it was another normal day for the citizens of Garantein. He wondered whether their lives were as average to them as they were to him and as he did a single tear dropped from his tattered face. He turned away and staggered into his injured home. Days past and Trait had not left the departed from his hut at all. No one wondered where he was, No one knew he existed.

Twelve days passed until Trait finally exited his home, once again he climbed up to his perch on the top of Visau, to look and see what he saw every day, but today he felt a change occurring. He walked down the ragged trail down past his shelter and down to the earth below him. He knew something was changing, something was going to happen.

***

Passion had been waiting twelve minutes before the cargo for her store arrived; she was annoyed, tired and depressed. She hadn’t had a regular customer in weeks and when the odd individual did enter her shop she didn’t have the stock they wanted anyway. She wondered how she would survive on £4 a month and with The Establishment still hunting people day after day, she didn’t know how long she would live. As the sun set she bolted down the doors for the night and headed to her room. It wasn’t really a complete room, it had half a wall missing, but seeing as though it hardly ever rained in Salief, she wasn’t bugged.

The next day, Passion awoke to the sound of uproar, outside the whole town was assembling in front of the Disrupted Fountain; an old spring where the locals could easily get water until one day it stopped flowing causing terror in Garantein. She climbed down the ladder from the half-built room she had just awakened from, she ran to the centre of the town and crawled into the middle of the commotion in an effort to discover what had just happened. Her satin dress now plastered in dirt and her hair covered with dust, as she stood up she brushed herself down and looked at who had caused the racket. It was Regal, he had once again been accused of theft, but this time it was different; he had been caught. Passion knew he was getting old, but seriously, a professional should never be caught. Regal was one of those people no one liked apart from people who really knew him, he wore long black overcoats and a dark highwayman’s hat. His grey hair tied in a pony-tail down his back. Passion turned away and headed back to her home, she needed to check her stock after Regal had had a quick look around, but as she approached her residence she heard a horrid scream, she sprinted back to the fountain and gazed into where Regal had been attached to the long wooden block, he had been proven guilty and as a result of his theft had been stabbed nine times with a sharpened silver pole. People were cheering, but Passion wasn’t one of them. She knew Regal well, he wasn’t always a thief.

***

Trait looked towards the town; even he had heard the scream. It was not the first time someone had been killed in Garantein, to be exact it was the forty-ninth in 6 years and Trait had heard every scream, every call and every cry. He walked further down the gorge, not worried by the fact he could fall off at any point. He had walked on the roof of the gorge thousands of times, never falling, never touching the ground below him. He was used to the thin air of mountain tops and shadowy caves, it was his habitat. Walking west, he began to see the elegant skyline of Daru, a metropolitan place of busy streets, rushing cars and loud city centres. He had never truly been to the city, but only until it was completely in sight. He loved looking down at the people carrying out their daily lives; it calmed him yet saddened him at the same time. He felt lucky to at least be able to watch the lucky ones with homes and families even if he could never be part of the royal enjoyment of society.

Half a day past and Trait headed back to the hut he called home, but while stumbling across the darkened stones below him, he heard the faint beating of hooves on the Earth below. The Establishment were returning it was their third time this month. Trait looked down and saw twenty-four horsemen ready to kill; he had never seen so many of them in one place at a time. Normally they would come in groups of up to seven. Something was happening.

***

As Passion climbed the ladder once again she heard something coming from the gorge, The Establishment. She quickly scrambled up to the upper rooms and picked up her two Ruger SA revolvers and placed them in her pockets. As The Establishment drew nearer she hid in the upper rooms of her house ready to fire. She looked through the torn curtain to the outside; they were drawing nearer, any second now they would be upon them. The other Citizens of Garantein had already gone into hiding in their own homes or cellars. Passion estimated that they had one minute and six seconds before hell came to their barren town, one minute till someone died.

The Establishment entered the small town of Garantein exactly as planned, Passion was still covering herself in the safety of her small dwelling and she could see houses already being barged into in search for their victim. She stood up and pulled out her guns, if anyone was to die, it wasn’t going to be her.

Outside, The Establishment were tearing down house after house in search. They had lighted torches now, as the day turned to night. They didn’t realise how much this helped Passion keep control of her targets, then all of a sudden, she heard a smash at the front of her house, she quickly spun round to face the door, both guns in front of her. Another smash could be heard as they barged into room after room in search for any living being. Then a final smash was heard, this time it was directly in front of Passion, they had found her. She pulled the trigger of both guns and fired. Bullets were everywhere, Passion dived left to right in a desperate attempt to survive while the invaders just stood and shot. Passion had killed seven of the twenty-four and had barely taken a scratch. With a plan in mind she leaped to the ladder, swung herself round and clambered down still firing, then darted off into the horizon. She had escaped The Establishment with only an arm wound to show.


CHAPTER 2:

Spoiler
Chapter 2

Trait woke up once again to the sounds of nature. He hadn’t slept well, he was worried about The Establishment; if they found out he was taking refuge in the skies above them they would not be happy. They had tried to kill him once, why wouldn’t they try again? He looked out from his perch and saw the devastated town below. Destroyed buildings and grey smoke blocked the picturesque image in his mind. He sat down and looked out past the lands of Salief, past the horrors of The Establishment, all the way to the sea; a never ending terrain of water and fish, a peaceful area of the world. He had always wished to catch a glimpse of sea, ever since he was young and when he first ventured to Visau Gorge, he could. Even if he was many miles away, at least he could see it.

As he looked back from the blue territory and returned his focus to the town, he could see figures appearing from their homes and stores. It wasn’t clear but no one seemed to be dead. It seemed that through the black smoke covering the town like a veil that everyone seemed to be firm, whoever The Establishment were looking for, they didn’t find.

Trait turned back to his refuge and sat down on the stone floor below him. He looked around at the minerals below him, deep in the cliff side. The water that once flowed strongly through the gorge had become arid a long time ago. The heat of the sun above shone through the holes in the frayed roof but Trait sat there, alone.

***

Passion looked around, she was alone. She hadn’t brought any food or water with her and she was beginning to feel parched. She had entered the gorge last night, when she was escaping The Establishment; she wasn’t sure where she was headed when she arrived at the entrance only that she wanted to get away. The canyon was surrounded by towering cliffs made from darkened terracotta and Passion seemed insignificant to its magnitude.

The morning light shimmered over the cliff tops and gave a slight radiance to the chasm Passion was standing in. She advanced further into the fissure looking for a place to take a rest. Many caves scattered around the base of the cliff sides, but none seemed to be suitable for resting in. Snakes surrounded her at every corner, she wasn’t afraid she normally saw them in her store in Garantein. She knew how to evade them and stay alive for as long as possible once bitten. Passion had slowed her pace now; she wasn’t in danger of being caught and an opportunity for rest was approaching. She could see a small pathway up the rock face and was curious. It wasn’t man made, so it could lead anywhere.

***

Trait clambered out of his hut and looked around. He walked over to the cliff edge and looked down. He thought he had heard someone, but from what he could see, no one was in sight. He turned and headed back to his hut and returned watching the town. The citizens had begun fixing the settlement back to its former state. He had seen them repair the town of Garantein many a time. Trait thought they probably took to it as normality, but he was wrong. Every time the town is attacked, the people of the community lost a little bit hope that the next time, they wouldn’t be so lucky.

Trait turned around and walked down to his hut, clouds were covering it when he returned which confused him. It hadn’t rained in Salief in many years, but when it did it rained hard. He wasn’t prepared. This was a sudden change in weather that could finish him off, let alone his shelter. He looked up to the haze above him thinking hard. Three Eagles flew over his head in a desperate attempt to get to a sanctuary before the storms started. The young man picked up a large stick, which he usually used for long walks and as he did a small tear dropped from his face. Then it rained.

***

Passion could feel it starting to get cold; she looked up and saw dark clouds forming.
She shook her head and turned her walk into a light run. She was headed for Daru, capital of Salief, she was certain she would find an inn or tavern to stay in for the night. The capital was a city of pure riches, but with riches, poverty comes. The cobbled streets far below showed signs of greed, dirt and hunger; while above wealthy lords and aristocrats looked down on these streets with disgust. Stores selling fruit, vegetables and bread covered the lanes, the unfortunate people of Daru had gotten used to the foulness of the capital. They had no choice. Security was tight. The Establishment had never attacked the hub but rumours had been heard of there being plans to strike the city and that their headquarters was situated deep in the heart of Daru. With precautions at a maximum, only urgencies were authorized in and out of the capital.

Passion had heard all these stories, she was sure they weren’t true. Sadly she was sure about the defence, without a list of her stock or any other store references she had no chance of entering, but it wouldn’t hurt her to give breaking in a shot.

***

Hiking down the small ravaged pathway made long ago by the pioneers who first wandered Salief and as Trait headed down the ransack path he wondered about his destination. He would never be able to return to Visau Gorge after the rains. His little hut would be destroyed, the gorge flooded and Garantein in pieces. He was nearly at the bottom of the gorge now. Strangely time seemed to go very fast even though he was troubled. The rain had already started, a deep fog was covering everything in sight and Trait had to use only his knowledge of the lands to decipher a path down the side of the gorge. As the shower turned into a tempest, the rain hammering against his head and his long brown hair drenched. His mind focused on the city of Daru. He knew very well it wasn’t the safest of places, with The Establishment’s headquarters deep inside, but it was the safest place in a short distance. He had never been there before, but then, he had never needed to, and he had always been prepared for the rains, until now.

***

Passion’s pace was increasing but her body felt weary. She was soaked from head to toe. It had been raining for at least two hours now and the film in front of her eyes was darkening. She was only a short distance from exiting the gorge, its twisting course ending. On the horizon she saw a shadow of a small cart, as she approached; she saw two figures in the mist and what looked like a horse. Confused, she walked closer to the silhouettes their features becoming more visible by every step. The rain poured down beside the figures, they didn’t seem to be getting wet and Passion was confused until she noticed the black umbrella covering them.

She was going to speak but she knew they weren’t paying attention. She also knew they hadn’t seen her for they were too busy calculating stock. She was still a few meters away but she could tell the beings were two men; one was much taller than the other with a large bulk that made him a most formidable creature, whist the other was short and thin. Passion had to double check them; they looked like a character from a cartoon series; the smaller gazing at pieces of torn papers and the other keeping guard. The horse beside them was alert as well, looking for a place to shelter; it headed towards its owners under the shield of the umbrella. The tall man let it under and as he did he patted its rump gently. Passion walked closer to the duo, her satin dress drenched from the rains and her hair soaked to the roots.

***

Trait continued along his path. The gorge had begun to slope down as it grasped its exit. Trait had never walked this far south and the unfamiliar ground was beginning to confuse him. Snakes slithered around his ankles, pleased that the rains of Salief had come so early. Trait looked down at the serpent, it had ignored him, but Trait’s eyes weren’t focused on the creature anymore. Scarlet blood was oozing out of his leg. He quickly ripped off a small part of the frayed clothing he was wearing and wrapped it around the wound. Tied it and continued onwards.

The grand city of Daru had been shrouded in mist from the downpour and Trait had no perception of his target anymore, he guessed that if he just continued to the end of the ravine something might give him a clue. He stumbled across the moist earth, the blood had ceased from his leg but he felt like it had struck his whole body. Drained of energy he slumped down against a rock. He knew he couldn’t stop now and pulled himself back up. He sneezed, the cold around him finally penetrating his body. He squinted, trying to see his destination, but mist had shrouded every chance of seeing the grand city. Trait brushed himself off and forced himself to continue walking.

***

The men still hadn’t noticed her, but Passion had her hands firmly grasped on her weapons. She crept around the bushes, covered in downpour. Even though Passion could gain access to Daru through her traders’ pass, that wasn’t the obstacle she was trying to avoid. With poor medical facilities in Daru, she couldn’t afford to get an illness she knew her only safety would be with the two men. Afraid to speak up she continued to creep to the rear of the carriage. The men still hadn’t noticed her, the thin man still trying to read the blotted words. Passion pulled back the cloth covering the rear of the cart and clambered in.
Last edited by Thalizar on Fri Feb 18, 2011 7:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Man is free the moment he wishes to be" - Voltaire




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So far, I'm left rather curious by this first chapter, the Establishment and how the characters got their names specifically as well as why Trait distances himself.

When it comes to the writing itself, it needs work in my opinion. Your style, while still a type of writing, is not a style I like to read or use myself because it lacks the power to draw the reader in and leave them dazed when they are forced back to the real world. Like many people, you have a writing style that tells instead of showing and is very action based. Instead of saying that the sun rose (that brings up another note I will talk about a bit later), you could have described its warmth on Trait's skin and the gentle touch as the morning breeze rustled the trees and made his chest ache at the memories it brought up or some such thing. I cannot give a proper example as it's not my story and I am not completely sure what emotions Trait is feeling or exactly what hues of orange fill the bleeding sky. Also, while the length is a fairly good one for a chapter, its structure is a bit off. Generally, if you have to break the sections using symbols, it should just be considered a new chapter since it changes views and settings in most cases. I can see why you didn't do this. The sections are too small to be chapters all on their own in most cases, but might I suggest that you do cut the sections into individual chapters and length each part so that it is the proper size, hopefully doing so through what I have suggested earlier.

Apart from my opinion of your style and structure, there is just one thing I have to comment on. You may want to go back and reread this chapter yourself as you have some errors. A few examples are "his hut he called home" and the fact that it says "as the sun sets" in the beginning but in that same paragraph say "morning breeze".

I'd like to read more of the plot and get some more on the characters as well though, so PM me if you continue this story.
-R. M. Williams



The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart