Title Irrelevent Because the Story is Being Rewritten (ch1)

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If you've already read the other chapter of this, please note that this is now chapter one, and that one has been changed to chapter two... please also note that the title is a working title.


“I really doubt,” Mellina mentioned to her twin, “that the people we share this awkward experience with will turn into lifelong friends.”

“Just get through it, then we can get together and laugh about it later,” Maylin said before being torn from her sister.

Looking over her shoulder, Mellina called, “See you later, May!”

Maylin grinned, waving goodbye. “See you later, Mel!”

Mellina turned back to observe her group. In a circle were eleven other girls, two wearing matching fluorescent orange t-shirts; they called themselves the “junior leaders.”

“Is everybody here?” the tall and thin junior leader asked while the short one counted heads.

Wow, Mellina thought, surprised. She’s even shorter than I am.

Thinking her comrade didn’t hear her, the tall girl repeated, louder, “Is everybody here?”

“Yep, everyone’s here,” the short girl confirmed, putting both hands into her jeans pockets. “I guess we can start then?” When her partner nodded, she addressed the group. “Well, guys, I’m Leila -“

“- and I’m Jada!” Leila’s tall friend said, cutting her off.

Ignoring the interruption, Leila continued. “- and we’re your tour guides for today!”

Tour guides? Mellina scoffed silently, allowing naught to betray her poker face. They couldn’t think of anything cleverer?

Uninterested in what Leila and Jada had to say, Mellina stared at the carpet tiles on the hallway floor. The headache she acquired on the boat at least an hour before had already intensified to a migraine. She wouldn’t be allowed any pain-killers, however, until after she, along with the rest of her freshman class, took some painful shots. Her empty stomach twisted into a knot, dreading the thought, but her face remained straight.

“Okay, we’re going to go on a field trip,” Leila announced.

Some followed like excited puppies; others, reluctantly. Mellina couldn’t help smirking this time, watching the exaggerated expressions on their faces.

The walls were surprisingly white, and Mellina twisted a lock of her wavy chocolate brown hair around a finger, wondering what kind of magic was used to keep them so clean.

Leila tried to start the group ice-breaker outside under a tree, but after listening to Jada whine about how hot it was outside, she had no choice but to have everyone go into one of the classroom buildings.

“Which one would you like?” Leila asked, running a hand through her bottle-blonde hair. She let out a sigh and glared at Jada, and Mellina wondered if the junior leaders got to choose their partners.

Jada screwed up her face, considering all her options. “Let’s go to Dr. Teleman’s room!” she finally suggested.

Doctor? Mellina wondered, weighing the pros and cons of speaking aloud. “Doctor?” she asked, almost regretting her decision.

Both Jada and Leila turned their heads toward Mellina. “Yeah,” Jada answered with delight. “He’s got his PhD in fira.”

Leila smacked Jada’s arm with a slight smile, saying, “Jada, you know that’s not what it’s called!”

“Yeah,” the tall girl defended, “but these kiddies don’t!”

Mellina figured that the two would be too busy arguing to explain any further, so she continued to ignore them.

Dr. Teleman’s classroom was as white as the hallways. There were, however, many pictures of fiery-looking things on the walls – so many that the white was barely visible. Some seemed to be explosions, while others took the shape of animals; others still looked like nothing more than a candle flame.

Jada sat in a large wooden chair placed at the front of the classroom; Mellina was too busy admiring Dr. Teleman’s artwork to notice that everyone else had taken the cue to sit down as well. She finally realized that she was the only one standing, however, and quickly took a seat next to a girl with raven hair, pondering whether or not it was naturally that color. Once everyone was settled, Leila gave another attempt to start the group ice-breaker.

“Well,” Leila started, scanning the small crowd. “I think we’ll start by going around and introducing ourselves.”

Oh no, Mellina thought, making sure the blonde up front couldn’t see her roll her eyes. We better not play one of those stupid name games.

“Let’s start with you,” the tall junior leader suggested, pointing at the girl with raven-colored hair.

Her sparkling gray eyes grew wide with surprise; she glanced at all the faces around the room, hoping the words “You don’t have to do this” would pour out of someone’s mouth.

“Um,” she murmured. “Hi. I’m Hazel Snavely.” Not knowing what else to say, Hazel searched for guidance from the junior leaders.

“Oh,” Leila uttered, as if forgetting what they were supposed to be doing. “Just say something interesting about yourself.”

So typical! Mellina groaned in her head.

Hazel stayed quiet for a moment. Mellina decided the girl was thinking she either had too many or an insufficient amount of interesting things about herself.

While Hazel pondered, Jada added, “Yeah, everyone, you should think of something interesting to say about yourself.”

For a second the whole room was quiet; Hazel broke the silence by saying with a shrug in her voice, “I play guitar.”

The junior leaders nodded and mumbled “good, good,” then focused their attention on Mellina.

Oh, jeez, Mellina thought.

The brunette felt her face getting hotter and hotter. “Hey.” She wiped her suddenly sweaty palms on her jeans. “I’m Mellina DuFrank, and…” she trailed off. The junior leaders hadn’t given her enough time to think of something interesting. All her memories and experiences swam through her head simultaneously.

I have a twin, she considered, but they’ll all figure that out by the end of the week.

“I’m afraid of needles,” Mellina finally decided.

Her face cooled down, but she was not quite off the hook. Jada gave Mellina a quizzical look and questioned, “You do know what’s going on later tonight, right?”

Stifled giggles filled the room; she squirmed in her seat. Her face suddenly felt very hot again, and she crossed her arms. “Yeah, I do.”

Right then, as if he could smell the awkwardness reeking from his classroom, a stocky sort of man glided to the front. His long tan coat flowed behind him like a cape and slung on his shoulder was a black backpack.

“Dr. Teleman!” Jada shouted, a smile forming from ear to ear.

“Hey, Jada,” he replied, returning the smile. Glancing around the room full of females, he added, “Hey, girls. Excited for school?”

Everyone stared at him as if he was speaking a foreign language, which made him chuckle to himself. “I guess I didn’t really have to ask that. All of you are obviously thrilled to be here.”

Mellina smirked, amused by his sarcasm; she couldn’t help plainly staring at his face, for she was intrigued by his full beard and his icy blue eyes.

“Well, don’t mind me. I’ll just be sitting where Jada is right now, doing work. You guys continue.”

The man made his way to his desk, which was already cluttered with books and loose papers, even though the school year hadn’t yet officially started. He was forced to coax Jada out of his chair, since she wasn’t content with him just asking nicely.

Leila continued going around the room in as much of a circle as possible, asking for everyone’s name and something interesting about themselves.

Mellina’s attention scattered between everything not involving freshman orientation – watching Dr. Teleman write, scanning the room some more to discover many small bookcases secluded behind the teacher’s desk – until she finally affixed her attention to a single piece of artwork. The picture she was so interested in was of a dragon that looked like it was made of fire. Two hands, one on either side of the dragon, were glowing, as if a million tiny embers were encrusted on their palms and fingers. She was practically in a trance by the time she noticed that everyone around her was moving again.

“Wait,” Mellina muttered to no one in particular, “what are we doing?”

“We’re going to go do dorm room stuff,” Hazel moaned. “I’m so hungry.”

As the twelve girls walked through the summer haze and down the whitewashed hallways, Mellina heard her own stomach moan with the agony of being empty for over a few hours. She glanced at all the walls frantically, wishing she knew what time it was; then she remembered that she wasn’t on Earth, and the clock might not make any sense until she was formally taught how to read it.

“So, you guys,” Jada said to the whole group once in the lobby of one of the dorms; she tried hard to fight a smile. “We sort of lied about being your tour guides. We’re actually your dorm advisors.”

When nobody said anything, Leila continued. “Everyone in this group will be down the same hallway, as you can see.” The blonde motioned up and down the hallway, which had a lot more than six rooms; the freshmen were confused. “There will be other groups too, but we’ll be in these six rooms.” She motioned once again, but only to the rooms they would be in.

Still nobody said much more than a mumble, so Jada clapped her hands together and said, “Well, the cafeteria’s open, so eat some good food, then meet us back here after you’re done so you can get your room keys. Shots will be in an hour for last names starting with A through last name McCasim.”

Leila added, as if trying to keep the tone light, “You were a great bunch of girls, and we hope you have a great year! You can talk to us anytime you want.”

Great, Mellina thought, faking a smile for her dorm advisors. She tried to ignore her abundance of body ailments and wandered with the group of clueless freshmen who all seemed to forget where the cafeteria for their dorm was.
Last edited by emmylove on Mon Jun 06, 2011 7:51 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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emmylove,

This chapter is a good start. The plot is set and any one can relate to it. There are a few things that could use some jolt though.
It seems a little slow. Parts of the chapter just seem to be fillers to get from point A to point B, and are a little confusing. Let me break some things down to help ha ha.

Normally, you would never want to start a big project such as a novel with dialogue. It leaves the reader wondering who's talking and why we should listen. This, how ever, is an exception. It was short and you introduced the characters right there, so that is good.

Things started getting fuzzy at this paragraph:
"Uninterested in what Leila and Jada had to say, Mellina stared at the carpet tiles on the hallway floor. The headache she acquired on the boat at least an hour before had already intensified to a migraine. She wouldn’t be allowed any pain-killers, however, until after she, along with the rest of her freshman class, took some painful shots"

After reading further, I understood the shots comment, but I believe introducing the idea of the class having to take shots bluntly might be better. I tend to write stories assuming people have been there and know what I am talking about, but that isn't the case. Assume you are writing to some one who hasn't been to college. They would be completely lost right now.

Another tip is to allow your character to feel. You do great describing her enthusiasm being there, but also write the feeling. Put some nice descriptions that really put us there with her. This may spruce up the pace as well.

I hope this helps. Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I can't wait for chapter two. Having gone through that whole crazy college year, I'd like to read what happens to Mellina and her sister.




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I liked this.

So, it didn't exactly reach into my heart and touch my soul or anything, but it was interesting...

I find I like stories more that start with action, with description... a person, a place, dialogue, something substantial. I don't like it when someone goes philosophizing for an eight-line-long paragraph before they get to what’s exactly happening. So, that was good.

On the other hand, I think (this is what I hear from other reviewers) you did a little too much telling, not enough showing…

Um, and, well, besides that it was overall kind of confusing. And that’s probably what you were going for, but honestly I don’t find it very fun being confused… a good way that you might be able to give readers an idea of what’s happening is name this story… give it a working title, or something weird, something abstract, something only you get… something! It just kind of annoys me that the story doesn’t have a title…

I didn't know that they were in collage until I read Victorian's review... I thought they were going to some, like academy, and they were freshmen is high school... that might just be because I am totally clueless in all aspects of life though :P

Sorry, this isn’t very in-depth… but I hope it helped!

--
Tabby




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Actually, TabbyGirl, you were right. They're going to an academy, and they're freshmen in high school. But I was trying to give it somewhat more of a college feel. Maybe that was a bad idea, seeing as it's somewhat ambiguous at first :p

Thanks for your reviews :) Chapter 2 is technically up, but it's been heavily edited already and you two probably wouldn't like the way the posted one is right now. I might post the already edited one to see what people think.
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Hey there Emmy,

Thanks for the request!

Well, I have to say that I preferred the other chapter you wrote because I had the impression that at least something was happening.

Although your mc's voice was good and clear, I was bored by what was happening. Like Victorian said, I got the impression you were only filling space, passing time. And your first line didn't hook me in, which is what a hook is supposed to do: reel you in. Makes you never want to stop reading.

Maybe if you delve deeper into the characters, it would help, and the surroundings. I mean, she says she's not on Earth anymore: where is she? Has she been there before? If yes, say when and why. If not, describe what you MC is seeing. It would help us get into the story. :D

Hope this helps, if you have any other questions regarding my review, let me know.

Tanya :D




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Hey, Emmy. :) Here as requested -- sorry it took me so long to get you this!

Anyway, I liked this chapter and I found it to be easy to relate to, especially in regards to the name games, which I myself am so sick of playing. :lol: It had a nice flow to it, and it was able to keep my attention from beginning to end. You've got me invested in these characters and curious to see what happens next.

However, my problem with this chapter is that there isn't really anything that goes on over the course of it, although I do like how you take us right into what is going on without wasting time on set up. She tours her school and gets upset over a name game. While I suppose we can draw that there are big things ahead for her and her twin in freshman year, conflict isn't exactly hinted at. We don't get a physical sense of what this school is like or how it's bigger and different then high school. Right now, your main character just seems upset and slightly impatient. When starting college for the first time, there are so many different emotions that come into play! There's nervousness, fear, excitement and everything along those lines. So play up those emotions more and you'll have an overall more interesting first chapter.

Sorry this was short, but I hope it helps! Feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions or concerns. :)

~ Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



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