Light and Shadow - Chapter 3

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Chapter 3 – Unbreakable Intimacy

When there is no light, shadow becomes darkness.

- Escuridion, the Lord of Shadow


The morning came, and Xombreil was there, lying on his bed like nothing happened the night before. Eluna was sitting on her bed, looking worriedly at her unconscious brother. Mella had placed an ice bag over Xombreil’s head earlier that morning to make sure that he would be all right. Slowly, light filled the boy’s eyes as he opened them. His vision was blurred like his memory.

“What happened…?” he asked as he saw his sister. His young voice was rough and frail.
For a brief moment, she ran out of breath. Pictures of the previous incident came to her – the lightless night, her blackened brother, the darkness.

“You were…” she spoke, her voice trembling.

She froze. The feeling of the bed underneath her had already become numb. But then, Xombreil suddenly coughed, and her mind was brought back to reality.

“Are you all right?” she asked. The concern was evident in her tone.

“I guess so…” her brother cleared his throat and innocently replied.

“Do you want to play?” continued Eluna, wanting to move on and be happy.

The question was left unanswered, and silence crept back in like an overgrowing shadow.

“Oh, all right,” she sighed. “I’ll just go outside. Aunt Mella was off in the market anyway. Get well!”

Then, she gracefully walked out the room like a wind-blown flower, closing the door as she left. The golden morning sunlight glimmered through the window, cutting in between the twins’ beds. Xombreil disdained it, either because the light was too bright or because he didn’t like the room looking like it was split in two. It could have been both.

He took the ice pack off his head and placed it on the desk that was right below the window. He slithered off his bed, got up, and shut the window blinds. He looked blankly at the darkness that engulfed in front of him, the shadow of the once sunlit space before him. Unexpectedly, he heard Eluna’s voice. The blinds were once again opened, and Xombreil willingly welcomed the light just to see his most beloved sister.

She was humming random notes, swirling around like a ballerina. Her white dress was like a swan’s wings. Then, at the blink of a second, she shrieked—

“Aaaaaaaaaaaah!”

A seemingly unending series of black lightning stormed around the wooden house, threatening to destroy everything. The skies had already turned very dark. Xombreil dashed as quickly as he could to go to his sister who stood there shaking, looking with fear at the big, dark figure that appeared in front of her. Finally, Xombreil was there, just a few meters behind his sister where he stopped.

“Eluna?” he worriedly asked.

A silent evil laugh came from the ominous figure. No – there were two! At another blink of the eye, there were two dark figures standing maliciously in front of them, the other smaller than the first one that appeared.

“What are we waiting for, milord?” asked a wicked young girl’s voice from the smaller figure.

“Patience,” replied the other one. “Patience, my dear Eunina.”

They walked a little closer to Eluna. The darkness that concealed them slowly faded, revealing who they actually were. Their appearance could not have possibly been mistaken. They were simply human. They came from the Shadow region. They were the Lord and the Princess of Shadow.

“What do you want!?” Xombreil yelled from behind his totally motionless sister, pushing the feeling of terror away as he recognized the two unwanted strangers.

“Nothing,” Escuridion, the Lord of Shadow, spoke in a cold, uncaring manner.

“Then what are you doing here!?” Xombreil angrily and bravely shouted. “Go away!”

Eunina, the Princess of Shadow, drew her dagger from her belt as she stepped closer to Eluna and pointed it at the latter’s neck. She spoke—

“Nothing means Death.”

Xombreil’s hair and eyes turned pitch black at the sight of this. The gale was nearly overwhelming. It was just like the night before. But, this time, he was surrounded by a semitransparent, spherical black force.
With clenched fists, he stepped forward, pointed at the wicked princess, and bellowed—

“If a single drop of blood flows from my sister’s neck, I will kill you!”

Eunina withdrew the dagger but kicked Eluna at her jaw with her heel. Eluna cried in pain as she fell down, and Xombreil’s sphere was drowned in a stronger black aura.

“You—,” he spoke as rage completely overcame him. His voice was rougher than ever.

“Xombreil!” Eluna called, trying to bring her brother back to himself. “Please, stop this…!”

He raised his right hand wide open and a black orb appeared. He took a few steps forward.

“You, tainted one, you will suffer for this!”

Unaffected, both Eunina and Lord Escuridion simply smirked, for they liked and expected what they were seeing – a powerful disciple of Shadow was standing in front of them. That was their plan.

“Have you not noticed yet…that you belong to the Shadow region?” the dark lord asked.

Xombreil was shaken as he heard this. It was like a blade pierced through his heart. The dark sphere and aura that surrounded him faded. He was petrified by the thought of himself being a disciple of Shadow. His eyes and lips were trembling like shaking trees.

But then, out of nowhere, a young boy’s voice came from the heavens. The dark sky was split as a bolt of white, fast-speeding lightning struck through.

“Hiyaah!”

There was a loud explosion as the lightning hit the ground near them. A young boy with spiky red hair appeared in front of them. He wore the crest of the Sun at the centre of his upper armour. The plate was of a silvery white splendour. He held a bolt of white lightning in his right hand and stood proudly like a prince. The sun was bright once again, and that colour of Xombreil’s hair and eyes went back to normal.

Eluna stood up from the ground and embraced Xombreil. Her chin was bleeding but she ignored it.

“I would never want to see that darkness of yours again, Breil,” she said, sobbing, her eyes closed.

Still horrified by what he had heard and experienced with himself, he tightly hugged his sister back and also closed his eyes, attempting to calm himself and move on.

Eunina, focused on the new boy, drew her dagger once again and engaged him.

“Who the heck are you?” she rudely asked as they crossed weapons.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the boy replied with pride as they let loose and crossed one more. “I’m the Prince of the Sun!”

He suddenly raised his free hand to the sky and fire came out. Eunina, caught by surprise, dodged and leaped backwards beside Lord Escuridion. The flame drew a burning circle around the house.

“Leave and never come back!” the boy said as he pointed his lightning bolt towards his enemies.

Eunina was about to engage the boy again but Lord Escuridion suddenly held her shoulder.

“This is enough for now,” he spoke.

Then, both the Lord and the Princess of Shadow vanished into the air.

“We shall return!” a creepy, echoing voice spoke but then faded after a few moments.

“Whew!” the boy cut the silence as he turned towards the twins, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. “At least they’re gone for now.”

“Thanks for saving us,” said Eluna as her brother helped her stand. “Who are you?”

“You’re bleeding!” the young stranger exclaimed as he noticed her bloody chin, his eyes widening, suddenly feeling worried for her.

“Never mind that,” replied Eluna. “What is your name?”

“I’m—,” he looked at Eluna’s blooming face and thought, She’s so…pretty.

"I, I,” he stuttered as he grew shy towards her. “I have to go.”

Then, he quickly got on his lightning bolt like he was riding a horse and finally bolted away.

“Aw, I didn’t get his name,” Eluna moaned.

“Think of yourself first, sis,” Xombreil anxiously spoke. “You’re hurt.”

Eluna just became silent, and wiped the remaining tears on her eyes.

“Come,” Xombreil continued, took a deep breath, and smiled. “Let’s wash your chin before Aunt Mella comes home.”

Eluna smiled in return and said with the most honest of feelings, “I love you, bro.”

He answered, “I love you, sis, and I promise you: I’ll never let you get hurt again.”

- - -


And so, it turned out happily in the end, and Avicrus, the Lord of Light, sat with contentment, thinking of the possibilities that could happen in the future…
Last edited by Caerulean on Mon Nov 29, 2010 11:40 am, edited 11 times in total.
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Hey Whisper!
You finally got around to posting the next chapter, I was actually afraid you stopped writing this :(
But I'm glad to hear that's not the case!
Well, on with the review!

Nitpicks/ suggestions

“What happened…?” he asked as he saw his sister on the other bed. His young voice was rough and frail.

I've noticed that you tend to write things twice or mention them twice. For example, we already knew where Eluna was sitting, yet you mentioned it again here. Try to watch out for unnecessary repetition.
“Are you alright?” she asked. The concern was evident in her voice.

So far, you have used the word 'voice' three times. Try experimenting with different words or writing her emotions differently. Not everything has to come from her voice, what about physically?
Then, she glided out the room like a wind-blown flower, closing the dear as she left.

Did you mean *door? Cause I was like, "hey, what does he mean by dear?" XD
spoke with the evillest of all voices.

Just because you say it's an evil voice, doesn't make it so. I envisioned a terrible evil voice with that. Like the type of bad guy you'd laugh at >.<
And it bugged me because I know this guys is supposed to scary. Use something different than evil. Make his gestures dark and cunning. What makes he evil? His eyes? The way his words chill his bones? Describe more of that 'feeling'.
“Leave and never go back!” the boy said as he pointed his lightning bolt towards his enemies.

Do you mean, "never come back?" lol
Then, he quickly got on his lightning bolt like he was riding a horse and finally bolted away.

I find this cool, yet totally surprising at the same time XD

____


Overall, I liked this chapter. You had some pretty neat action in here and I'm dead curious as to who the new guy is.
I mean, maybe he's from the future! Or a different realm, you have so many different possibilities here that it's kind of hard to imagine what might happen, and that's more of a good thing then bad.
So, not too many major nitpicks with this chapter, just a few things I pointed out. My main critique would be to get in some stronger descriptions. I'm still quite confused as to how the characters look like and all. Maybe you could add some more imagery here and there to make it easier to picture.
Anyways, nice chapter, PM me when you post the next ;)

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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EY! I'm glad you haven't stopped writing this...I almost thought you had! :shock: Well lets get to nit picking!

Slowly, light filled the boy’s eyes as he opened them.


Ohh nice description but phrased funny. Switch them around, "As the boy opened his eyes light slowly filled them" or something.

Eluna gasped for a second as pictures of the previous incident came to her – the lightless night, her blackened brother, the darkness.


Take the "Eluna gasped" out. Just say something like; "Pictures (Memories? Or actually rather terrors , then we still get that it was horrible for her.) of the previous incident (night?) came to her-" I think you should take the gasped out because it sounds a little unrealistic...


She was went still. The feeling of the bed underneath her went numb She couldn't feel the bed under her anymore.


“Oh, alright,” she sighed. “I’ll just go outside. Aunt Mella was off in the market anyway. Get well!”

Then, she glided out the room like a wind-blown flower, closing the dear door as she left.


I like the green part, but it makes it sound as if she really glided out, like flew out. If she did, you should make it clearer, and if she didn't, you should also make that clearer.


Then, at the blink of a second, she shouted—

“Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!”


Don't write the shout, it sounds strange, like writing out a cough.

Xombreil dashedat his quickest as fast as he could to go to his sister who stood there shaking,


Finally, Xombreil was there, arrived?


“Nothing,” Escuridion, the Lord of Shadow, spoke with the evillest of all voices.


Don't describe it as the evilest, rather describe what made it sound evil

The latter fell down, and Xombreil’s sphere was drowned in a stronger black aura.


Don't use "the latter" again. Rather repeat "Eluna" or say she.

“Leave and never go come? back!” the boy said as he pointed his lightning bolt towards his enemies.



“Aw, I didn’t get his name,” Eluna moaned.

“Come,” Xombreil spoke, smiling. “Let’s wash your chin before Aunt Mella comes home.”


I think here you should try and make the characters a little more shaken, it sounds as if this kind of thing happens everyday the way they're acting. Besides that, I think it all happened really sudden. Boom big evil person appears, Boom evil partner appears, Boom Xombreil can use fancy darkness stuffies, Boom new boy appears from the sky...if you could lengthen the booms to booooooooooooms... XD if you understand what I mean, then it would be great. I like this chapter overall. Its quite good. :D PM me for the next one :D
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?




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Heya! :D

I'ma actually going to review this, for once. I've been stalking it for a while, but not reviewed anything... I have a tendency to do that. I'm here now though, so it's all good. Sorry if I repeat anything already mentioned...

His sister, Eluna, was sitting on her bed, looking worriedly at her unconscious brother.


Mella had placed an ice bag over Xombreil’s head earlier that morning to make sure that he would be all right.

“What happened…?” he asked as he saw his sister. His young voice was rough and frail.

In between these two parts would be a great place to add some good description. As Xombreil's eyes open, what does he see? Is his vision blurred? How is he feeling? Does his head hurt? Is he cold, warm? What can he hear and smell?

She froze. The feeling of the bed underneath her had already become numb.

I changed a few words here to what I thought sounded good.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“Are you alright?” she asked. The concern was evident in her tone.

“I guess so…” her brother cleared his throat and innocently replied.

“Do you want to play?” continued Eluna, wanting to move on and be happy.

The question was left unanswered, and silence crept back in like an overgrowing shadow.

“Oh, all right,” she sighed. “I’ll just go outside. Aunt Mella was off in the market anyway. Get well!”

How come no one's answered Xombreil's question when he asked what had happened? You can't just leave a guy hangin' :lol: Excuse the dodgy phrases...

It could have been both.


“Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!

You only need one exclamation mark.

“I’m—,” he looked at Eluna’s face and thought, “She’s so…pretty.”

This is a tad overly nit-picky, but I'd like for you to get rid of the quotation marks and simply italicize the sentence. That way, it will look a bit more different compared to the dialogue. That's just a suggestion though. :)


Overall

As a whole, this was a great chapter. I liked the action in it. I always love a chapter with plenty of good action in it. I don't really think that it's my favourite chapter, but hey, I can't expect every chapter to be my favourite, can I? That may be true, but I really did like reading this. Your characters are entertaining to read about, and normally, third person novels aren't my thing, but this is an exception. You've managed to write this effectively in a way that is enjoyable to follow. You had the odd little grammar hiccup here and there, but certainly not something worth mentioning. The only spelling error I spotted was that you use alright instead of all right. You also used it quite a bit. Technically, alright isn't a word, so bare that in mind for next time! ;)

My main critique for this is probably that I felt the action scene came kind of sudden. It's basically what Reuben said. Things seemed to happen suddenly. One second, they were being attacked, and the next, some random guy turns up and helps them. Then the evil guys go and everyone's happy. I think you should consider maybe making the events happen in a longer period of time. Give us readers a chance to digest what's happening exactly before you move onto the next thing. A good way of doing that is by really explaining your character's emotions within all of these happenings. To me, the twins reactions were a bit odd at times. They didn't really seem that freaked out by it. It was kind of like, Look, there's some evil shadow thingy's killing us. Cool. Obviously, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the idea. You need to really enhance your character's feelings and emotions.

The only other thing I really want to mention is a little nit-pick, to be honest. It was just that, at the end, there was a bit of a dialogue clump. It was like all of the action happened and then, BAM, the twins start talking casually as though nothing's really happened. I'm not sure if I'm making sense here. What I'm basically trying to say is that I'd suggest for you to maybe either get rid of some of the dialogue, or put some actions and descriptions in between them so that the dialogue doesn't seem so clumpish. Don't get me wrong though,I've seen far worse, trust me! Just edit the ending up a tad bit and you should be fine.

Negatives aside, this was a good piece to read. I have to admit that it was a bit hard to follow at times, but that was due to the sudden happenings, I think. If you clean those up, you won't have to worry about my slight confusion. Besides, I have the attention spam of a dead goldfish, so that's probably just me. All that you need to do is to edit this up a bit by taking into account what us reviewers have suggested. If you do that, this could be a really great piece of writing, I think. :D

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Hey there! I'm sorry I'm such a failure and took ages to get to this! I'm here now, though, right? :)

I really enjoyed this chapter! The action was good, and overall it felt the description was much improved! Good job! I have a few nitpicking things, so let's get to it.

The morning came, and Xombreil Ande was there, lying on his bed like nothing happened the night before. His sister, Eluna was sitting on her bed, looking worriedly at her unconscious brother.

Since this is the third chapter, the reader hopefully knows who Xombriel and Eluna are and there relations to eachother. ;)

They were simply human. They came from the Shadow region. They were the Lord and the Princess of Shadow.

How do Xombriel and Eluna know this? Does everyone in the world they live in know about the shadow region enough to tell the lord and princess from other people? If they would know things like this, then having a mention of it somewhere prior to this would be nice. If they wouldn't know this, then maybe some introductions are in order? ;)

“Who the heck are you?” she rudely asked as they crossed weapons.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the boy replied with pride as they let loose and crossed one more. “I’m the Prince of the Sun!”

It seems to me like the Princess of Shadow should at least know what the Prince of the Sun looks like. If they are opposing "kingdoms" (as I'm assuming they are) then they wouldn't be oblivious to the existance of each other.

“Leave and never come back!” the boy said as he pointed his lightning bolt towards his enemies.

The Lord and the Princess of Shadow thought that all was enough and simply vanished. Why did they give up so easily? There plans are being foiled; they wouldn't just leave. It seems they should at least attempt to fight back, or the Prince of the Sun should just destroy them right there if he is frightening/powerful enough to cause them to leave so quickly.

“We shall return!” a creepy, echoing voice spoke but then faded after a few moments.

“Whew!” the boy cut the silence as he turned towards the twins, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. “At least they’re gone for now.”
Shouldn't someone be at least slightly concerned that the Lord and Princess of Shadow just tried to kill Eluna? There is a startling lack of emotion related to this situation. Think of yourself in a similar situation, how would you react? I'd probably be in a panicked coma and/or demanding some answers! :P

“Thanks for saving us,” said Eluna as her brother helped her stand. “Who are you?”

“You’re bleeding!” the young stranger exclaimed as he noticed her bloody chin, his eyes widening.

“Never mind that,” replied Eluna. “What is your name?”

“I’m—,” he looked at Eluna’s blooming face and thought, She’s so…pretty.Something feels weird about this. I get the picture that the Prince is several years older than Eluna and Xombriel, yet he is caught up in her beauty. It kind of creeps me out. Especially since he just scared of the Lord and Princess of Shadow (who are adults in my mind) and so he must be more than a child (or at least a seriously powerful and intimidating child) in order to scare them off, and then it makes it strange that he's attracted to Eluna.

“I, I,” he stuttered as he grew shy towards her. “I have to go.” Again, if he's this big powerful guy like I'm imagining, the sudden shyness seems out of character.

Then, he quickly got on his lightning bolt like he was riding a horse and finally bolted away.

“Aw, I didn’t get his name,” Eluna moaned.


A lot of my nitpicking this time had to do with realism. Yes, this is fantasy but even fantasy requires a certain level of realism for a reader to believe the fantastical elements. This is no more than making sure things make sense. The excuse that "it's fantasy, so everything can make sense even if it wouldn't in the real world" doesn't exactly apply. :P

Everything that happens still has to make sense within the constructs of the world you create. And with that, if you do something that wouldn't regularly make sense in the real world, but makes sense in the fantasy world, there needs to be some level of believable explaination for the sake of the reader. ;) Just something to keep in mind as you write.

Good luck! Keep writing! Let me know if you put more up, and I'll try to get a more timely review done next time!

-Lauren-
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Lots of action, it was great! I am so curious though, there is so much happening and so many unanswered questions. I think in the first chapter you said they were seven? Are the twins going to grow up? Anyways ill keep reading! It's sooo good!
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