Spirit Walker: Prologue

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If anyone can help me think of a better name, please do.

Prologue

My Moms cherry red hair fell in front of her eyes, their mossy green color shining through the thin strands of red. My heartbeat quickened as we kneeled together in the small garden behind our stone house. She watched me quietly, tears threatening to escape her eyelids. Her slender fingers traced the markings on my small face, the thin black swirls.

“I love you Nayima. I love you and never want to lose you.”

“I don't understand, Mom. Why can't you come with me? I don't wanna leave,” I cried quietly. I felt her soft hand on my chin. She forced me to look at her as tears began to run down my face.

“I packed you food and clothing and a map to Lana's. You go there, understand? You run as far and as fast as you can,” she asked softly, though her voice was heavy. I glanced down at my eleven year old feet.

“I don't wanna leave,” I whispered, my tears blurring my vision.

“Nor do I want you to. But I promise I will follow you. I promise I will see you again,” she said, stroking my hair.

“I want you to come with me now, Mom. I don't want you to follow me, I want you to be next to me!” I cried.

“I know, baby. But you must be strong. I love you and I know you can do this. Stay safe for me, okay? Okay, baby?” she said as a sad smile fell upon her pale face.

I nodded, crying. I threw my arms over her shoulders and embraced her tightly, never wanting to let her go. Why! Why! I don't understand! My blue dress wrinkled as we pulled apart and I ran to the tree line, turning back once I passed the first few trees. Silence fell over the expanse of blackberry fields and our large house. Overhead, rain began to fall, cold as ice.

Suddenly, the faint sound of horses hooves on wet dirt met my ears.

I cowered farther back into the trees as a group of horsemen came into view. No women rode within the group, only men. They were far away and yet, so, so close. Their clothing was beautiful, robes and tunics made of silk and cotton. Vibrant colors of orange, blue, and green. The horses were black, with metal plates fitted on the face and sides. Long black hair fit most of their facial features well. My eyes widened as I noticed the tall, brown staff one of them carried with snakes carved into the base. Atop the staff beamed a coal-black sphere. The sphere was perfect and beautiful, yet deadly at the same time. I felt my throat clench tightly as I realized these men were Sages, cursed wizards. Even from so far away, I could just feel the black magic vibrating off the horsemen.

I watched, paralyzed with fear, as the Sages dismounted their horses and walked inside my house. The man holding the staff stayed sitting upon his horse, warily eying the trees I stood in, sensing something, sensing me. For an eternity I heard nothing. Silence once again swam in the fields and rang in my fearful ears. Then, I heard a scream. I gasped as the sudden noise shook my very heart with fear. My eyes unwillingly drew themselves to the door of the house.

Mom appeared in the doorway, being pushed and dragged towards the horses by the horsemen. No! No, this is all wrong! She was supposed to be following me! She yelled, she kicked, she fought, she unsheathed her hidden knife and tried to break free, but to no avail. The dark, cursed wizards, dragged her across the lawn to the horses. Tears cascaded down my face as the Sage who held the staff lifted my Moms struggling body to his saddle. I held my mouth so as to not scream out as the Sage hit my Mom on the head. Her body went limp as the horsemen rode away into the rain. I ran onto the road. My hands out before me, I wept in misery.

“Mom! No! Please, please, no! Come back!” I screamed. Then I bit my lip and turned back to the forest, running back into the dark and ominous forest.

I cannot follow them.

She is lost to me.

I flung myself deep into the woods, running away from my own home.

The silence of the forest penetrated my ears like an arrow, the heavy rain stabbed at my face. I screamed in anger and grief. The mud seemed to mock me as I fell to the ground, then pulled myself back to my feet. Tears blinded me. Adrenaline rang in my ears and drummed through my veins. As I ran through the unmerciful trees, their branches and bark scraped my hands and knees. The horror of the past few moments flowed down upon me, drowning me in agony. The blood from the scratches on my body became one with the rainwater and my tears.

I stumbled through the woods until I slipped once more in the mud. I forced myself to stand and get to Lana's house. As I attempted to run away, I burned my mothers face into my memory. The long flowing red hair that I had always loved. The bright green eyes that were almond shaped and surrounded my long elegant eyelashes. The soft edges of her face, and her small though beautiful lips that would kiss me every night before bed. I recalled her voice, singing to me and reading to me day after day. And the way she held me when I felt sad or afraid. But she can't hold me now, and now is when I need her most.

My sobs filled my ears as I crawled under a giant oak tree and felt exhaustion weigh down my eyelids. I leaned my back against the tree and fell into a dreamless slumber, sobbing all the while.
Last edited by emmylou1995 on Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.
When all you have is nothing, there is alot to go around.




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This is my review of part of your story. It was very interesting.

I cowered farther back into the trees as a group of horsemen came into view. No women rode within the group, only men. They were far away and yet, so, so close. Their clothing was beautiful, robes and tunics made of silk and cotton. Vibrant colors of orange, blue, and green. The horses were black, with metal plates fitted on the face and sides. Long black hair fit most of their facial features well. My eyes widened as I noticed the tall, brown staff one of them carried with snakes carved into the base. Atop the staff beamed a coal-black sphere. The sphere was perfect and beautiful, yet deadly at the same time. I felt my throat clench tightly as I realized these men were Sages, cursed wizards. Even from so far away, I could just feel the black magic vibrating off the horsemen. I love how you describe them, it's a lot better than saying,
There were men with staffs, I think that they're sages.


I watched, paralyzed with fear, as the Sages dismounted their horses and walked inside my house. The man holding the staff stayed sitting upon his horse, warily eying the trees I stood in, sensing something, sensing me. For an eternity I heard nothing. Silence once again swam in the fields and rang in my fearful ears. Then, I heard a scream. I gasped as the sudden noise shook my very heart with fear. My eyes unwillingly drew themselves to the door of the house.

Mom appeared in the doorway, being pushed and dragged towards the horses by the horsemen. Oh GodThe way you've made the character's voice before, she doesn't sound like se would say Oh god, it doesn't sound right there. ! No! No, this is all wrong! She was supposed to be following me! She yelled, she kicked, she fought, she unsheathed her hidden knife and tried to break free, but to no avail. The men, the dark, cursed wizards, dragged her across the lawn to the horses. Tears cascaded down my face as the horsemen rode away with my Mom perched in front of the Sage with the staff.

“Mom! No! Please, please, no! This cannot be happening!this last line doesn't sound right either, maybe come back, even though her mother can't here her and is not in control, come back sound better than, this cannot be happening.” I screamed as I started forwards in order to follow them
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.




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I agree with the person above on those few things. This book is really rockin' so far, though. I'm enjoying it. It's more so like a book than just randomness like some of the stuff I've read on, say, fictionpress. Or stuff I've written (*coughs* my recent NaNoWriMo novel which I'm trying to convince myself not to edit yet*coughs*).

But there are a few things:

1. The time lapse is a tad bit odd. Maybe you should say something about how she was trying to get to her friend Lana's, but couldn't make it?
2. She seems a little confused and sometimes a little too old. She seems to halfway understand the situation and halfway not. But maybe that's her personality, kind of disconnected? Eh. That's how I feel anyway, so, yeah...
3. Try to add more description and transition words other than the area where the horsemen come and when it rains, if you could. Keep things even. Describe her mother a bit better, like she's trying to memorize her face?

So, yeah, that's my bit. I think it's fawesome, though. I love the impression of it all and the plot so far.

I'll have to go R&R the next chapter...
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Well, Cspr, here is what I have to say.

First of all, I know what you mean about the time lapse and I think I fixed that in the paragraph I just added, and that goes for number three as well. I described her mother more. As for your number two, she is supposed to understand and yet not understand at all. I want it so that she knows what is going on but is too young (Being only eleven) to fully grasp the situation and what it will mean for her. SHe is kind of disconnected at this point in the novel because she is so young. And this prologue was meant to just show you what happened, and not allow you to fully grasp it either. Thats why I wrote the character like that.
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My heartbeat quickened as my Mom and I kneeled the small garden behind our stone house. Her long, flaming red hair fell over her soft shoulders. Her striking green eyes, mossy as mine, watched me quietly. Her fingers traced the markings on my small face, the thin black swirls. Not a huge thing, but all of the sentences here start with "her" except the first. Try switching up the sentence structures to give it a better balance, otherwise it reads a little funny. Also, don't rush to supply detail, and when you do give detail, make it relevent somehow. I think you could come up with a better opening.

“I love you Nayima. I love you and never want to lose you. But you have to listen to me. You must run away from here. You must run as far and as fast as you can. I packed you food and clothes and a map to Lana's house. You must go there. Okay?” she asked. I looked down at the ground, at my eleven year old feet. I can see that you're trying to pack in the character information fast, but you don't necessarily have to. It can make things sound awkward and unnatural. There are more subtle ways of giving us character info.

“I don't understand, Mom. Why can't you come with me? I don't wanna leave,” I cried quietly. I felt her soft hand on my chin. She forced me to look at her as tears began to run down my face.

“You have to leave, but I'll follow you.A tired smile fell upon her pale face. “I promise, I will see you again.”

“I don't wanna leave,” I whispered.

“I know, baby. I don't want you to leave either. But you must be strong. I love you and I know you can do this. Stay safe for me, okay? Okay, baby?”

I nodded, crying. I threw my arms over her shoulders and embraced her tightly, never wanting to let her go. Why! Why! I don't understand! My blue dress wrinkled as we pulled apart and I ran to the tree line, turning back once I passed the first few trees. Silence fell over the expanse of blackberry fields and our large house. Overhead, rain began to fall, cold as ice.

...

Mom appeared in the doorway, being pushed and dragged towards the horses by the horsemen. Oh God! No! No, this is all wrong! She was supposed to be following me! She yelled, she kicked, she fought, she unsheathed her hidden knife and tried to break free, but to no avail. The men, the dark, cursed wizards, dragged her across the lawn to the horses. Tears cascaded down my face as the horsemen rode away with my Mom perched in front of the Sage with the staff. I would just suggest more emotional detail here - not too much or you'll end up with a sappy info dump, but try to do more showing and less telling.

"Mom! No! Please, please, no! Come back!” I screamed as I started forwards in order to follow them.

No. I cannot follow.

She is lost to me. Watch your tenses.

I flung myself into the woods, running away from my own home.

The silence of the forest penetrated my ears like an arrow, the heavy rain stabbed at my face. I screamed in anger and grief. The mud seemed to mock me as I fell to the ground, then pulled myself back to my feet. 'The mud mocked me' just sounds a little odd to me...Tears blinded me. Adrenaline rang in my ears and drummed through my veins. As I ran through the unmerciful trees, their branches and bark scraped my hands and knees. The horror of the past few moments flowed down upon me, drowning me in agony. The blood from the scratches on my body became one with the rainwater and my tears.

I stumbled through the woods until I slipped once more in the mud. I forced myself to stand and get to Lana's house. As I attempted to run away, I burned my mothers face into my memory. The long flowing red hair that I had always loved. The bright green eyes that were almond shaped and surrounded my long elegant eyelashes. The soft edges of her face, and her small though beautiful lips that would kiss me every night before bed. I recalled her voice, singing to me and reading to me day after day. And the way she held me when I felt sad or afraid. But she can't hold me now, and now is when I need her most. Again you go to present tense which isn't a huge deal, but otherwise this is a good example of how to give character description, plus it's an emotional piece.

My sobs filled my ears as I crawled under a giant oak tree and felt exhaustion weigh down my eyelids. I leaned my back against the tree and fell into a dreamless slumber, sobbing all the while. OK, so overall, I'm curious bout where this is going to go. It has potential to turn into something interesting, if you send it in the right direction.


Keep writing,
StoryWeaver13
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




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Your main characters seems lost, in more ways then one but i think she's supposed to be right? I'm excited to read more =) I think you have a good foundation for a good story!
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