Reprisal - Prologue + Chapter One

Hey Dreamy Finished most of my assignments (or the drafts, anyway), so here I am, replying to your review

Dreamy115 wrote:Gulford's eyes had a faraway look to them, and when he spoke, his voice was melodic, the voice of a story-teller; it was deep and reverberated around the room, it held authority and it demanded attention. It was the voice of a king.
"It was before dawn, when the grass was misty with dew. A few hours until the sun graced this part of the continent with its kiss of light."

I agree with the "faraway" part, but the reason why I kept the dialogue part of the paragraph is because that's the way it should be - the reader reads about his voice, and then he speaks

"The wind bit harshly at unprotected skin, leaving the men drenched in a cold sweat. The gathered army made hardly a sound, bar save the odd whinny of a horse, or the clink of chainmail."

That does sound better

The king's general gave Gulford a sharp glance and frowned, but he dared not speak.

Oops, tense change.

Gulford continued effortlessly, "And his trusted General told him thus: We have come too far, your majesty, to turn back now. It will cast doubt amongst the minds of your people about your decisions. And moved his brown mare closer: The last thing we need is a revolt." "And his trusted General told him thus: 'We have come too far, your majesty, to turn back now. It will cast doubt amongst the minds of your people about your decisions.' He moved his brown mare closer.'The last thing we need is a revolt.'"

I left this in italics because speech within speech is not only confusing, but too heavy and cumbersome for the reader to have to trawl through.

"Or a traitor giving away their position." Gulford said angrily.

Was trying to avoid too many adverbs.

"The first row of the conscripted men were shot down from the archers in the towers of the castle; some were set on fire by burning pitch, and the stench of burning flesh filled the air..."

*sigh* I always confuse were and was, even though I know which one is right to use.

Adding to this turmoil was the fact that the General had become seperated from his King. The army was not only divided by force, but by leader.

lol you didn't point this out, but I just noticed that "separated" is spelled wrong.

Before the Bazynteen king could help himself, he asked, "How did you - ?"

GAH! Another Bazynteen miss. I even ctrl-f'd that word!

"There is honour even amongst thieves." When Harry didn't rise to the bait, the king of Azryl (He's the king of Azryl, right?) steeled his will, "I will give you half my land, without the need for any more fighting."

... I'm so annoyed. Again Sorry, it's meant to be Azuryl.

"I could kill you all now and claim all of your land as mine."

I had "And" because he is essentially saying, "So?" with the word "and"

The standard bearer nodded meekly (one can't nod sickly. He can have "nodded, sickened." or have "nodded meekly", as I changed it to.), mounted one of the last remaining mares and fled to the nearby castle.

lol, you're right

Trumpets sounded from the top of the battlements of the castle as the standard bearer returned with the youngest prince of Cruciot wrapped in a blanket, a small circlet of gold around the boy's head. King Harry didn't even look so much as spare a glance at his son as the man got off his horse and nervously handed the child over to General Bane. Everyone watching expected the deliverer to be attacked at the last second.

I like your version better

Men shifted awkwardly, trying to stay in position, others twitched; their hands hovering over the hilts of their weapons and then dropping back by their sides, repeating the cycle over and over.

Yup, thanks

General Bane's suspicion heightened and he tightened his hold on the infant in his arms, "My Lord, this doesn't look or feel right. It's too easy."

Mmmk.

The king and his general were the only two left on horses; the entire cavalry lost when men in trenches rose hidden rows of stakes for the horses to impale themselves on. the entire cavalry had lost theirs when the men in the trenches had risen the hidden rows of stakes. (we already know that the horses are dead, we don't need to say they were impaled on top of that.)The Cruciot army followed close behind, with the king in the lead.

I'll try and find a way to make that sound/read better then

Time stood still, frozen, as the two Kings' eyes met, clashing like the blades of the warriors around them.

I really need to tighten my use of tense

He listlessly turned his head to see General Bane was yanking violently at his sleeve, screaming obscenities and what appeared to be nonsense into his King's ear.

*nods*

So, this was very well written. Your main problems were that you jumped around in the tenses a lot. I don't think I caught all of your mistakes in that. If you're writing in past tense, stick with it. Same with present. You also throw a huge amount of information at us at once. One would really have to work, like I did, to keep up with everything that's going on. You don't want to dizzy your readers. Stop to clarify and give us a break from those thick blocks of text.

Okay, thanks Dreamy. I'll try to figure out how I can lessen the information overload, or at least distribute the information out a bit more to make it easier to read. Regarding the tense changes, yeah, I really need to fix that up, thanks for picking up the more obvious ones.

I really like how your storyline is going. Keep it up. However, I really must admit, that I don't like King Harry's name. It doesn't sound scary.... it sounds silly. He needs a more frightening, intimidating name. King Harry sounds like a cartoon character, not a formidable, cruel tyrant.

lol yeah, a lot of people thought his name was a joke. Have you got any suggestions as to what a king's name should be?

I hope you develop more on Andonis. Is he going to be the main character? because that seems like it would work best for your story's plot.

It's the first chapter, not even the first chapter, the prologue, so yes, Andonis is further developed later on in chapter one

Thank you for your review, Dreamy, you picked up on some small but important slips

- Jai

No problem! What about... Maximilian? Or... Lysander? Or...Cornelius, if you enjoy odd names.

Dreamy and everyone else who disliked Harry's name, I changed it to Harrison. Harry means "army power, or ruler of the army", so believe it or not, King Harry actually fit no matter how ridiculous it sounded

I promised someone that I'd post Chapter One, so here it is It's very lengthy, so I don't expect everyone to want to read it :/ All the next chapters are of this size, as they are actual chapters. Do people suggest I should only post them in parts?

- Jai

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ONE

“On wrongs swift vengeance waits.” -- Alexander Pope

The people of the palace were too concerned about the lack of triumphant soldiers marching home that Bane was able to smuggle the baby in through the servants’ way, unnoticed. His respect for the King had never diminished, regardless of what had happened, but Bane approved of the choice to spare the innocent boy.

He looked down at the sleeping infant's face and hoped that the boy would grow up in a country unspoiled by turmoil. John knew that the Azuryl army would never be as strong as it used to be; there was only the old men who had retired plus himself to recruit and train new soldiers now. The next few years for the General would be hard, conscripting boys from homes that had already lost so much to fill in the empty slots of the battalion. There was risk of the Cruciot empire laying siege upon the Azuryl kingdom, and with the lack of soldiers to protect it, the palace could easily fall. The God's forbid the consequences of having to accept females to make up numbers.

The king entered his chambers, waving off the healers, medics and attendants, shutting the door firmly behind him. He sank wearily onto his bed and looked at John. John ceased his own musings, placed the child on the bed and knelt to take off the mud and gore covered boots that the King had trekked through the palace.

"You've made the right choice." General Bane said in way of assurance.

Gulford turned his head and peered at the boy, mixed feelings stirring in his heart. He felt anger at Harrison's betrayal, grief over the recent loss of his only son, guilt over the loss of so many of his good men and curiously, hope. The child opened his eyes and piercing blue irises stared back at him. He reached out one chubby hand towards the King's tattered beard and giggled.

Bane watched on, feeling the same pain the king felt, knowing what caused the heartbreak; Casius had been like a son to him too, and seventeen winters of age was too young for a lad to die; before he felt the embrace of a loving woman, or the slice of sword through unrelenting flesh.

The king smiled at the child through his tears, touching the boy's soft cheek and said, "My son. Andonis."

Bane's eyes widened slightly, the only ever tell-tale sign of this battle-hardened warrior's shock, and darted to look at the king's face, but Gulford's eyes were only upon his new son. As Bane's gaze fell back onto the child his expression softened momentarily. It lay awake, not crying, dribbling onto its chest staring straight at the King, an aura of pure happiness emanating from it.

Its eyes were mesmerising. Bluer than the ocean. Bluer than the hottest flames. More blue than the winter sky after a week long thunder-storm. It was hard to compare the colour of its eyes to anything naturally occurring in nature. Bane mentally shook his head to correct himself, His eyes. Not its.

With one more quick glance at the baby with a mop of dark brown hair, and with a mannerly bow, Bane smiled, "I shall leave you two alone for a while."

- - - - - - - - - -

The battle was scarcely mentioned in the country of Azuryl except in whispers; it was a tragic loss of lives and to speak of it was said to bring about the same bad luck to the family of whoever uttered a word about the ill decision of the King to attack his rival.

Word spread that the war council had not been happy at the sudden battle plans. They had rightfully claimed that there weren't enough men to fight a war now, especially to participate in a siege. The general public learnt that King Gulford and his general had decided that the easiest target to hit would be Ypoc territory to the west; a country only recently conquered by King Harrison's greed. It had already proved prone to revolts and the country was still going through reformations; it was in a state of idealistic turmoil and confusion. The enemy king's forces would likely be elsewhere; spies reported that the sovereignty of Kertenc were hatching plans of their own to lay siege on the capital of Cruciot itself. Gulford's council had heard wind of these plans, then no doubt Harrison had too, and would have concentrated his forces to defend his own castle on his own lands.

But the loss of the entire Azuryl army stood testament to the fact that King Harrison had not been too preoccupied in defending his own lands.

To explain away his new heir, King Raiet passed the story on that he dallied once with a mistress of the street when his beloved wife died and that Andonis was the product that he had been supporting in secret. No one questioned him; the boy was seen running about with a gold circlet around his head, and surely only the son of a king would be given such a priceless ornament to wear.

When the woman who was supposed to be Andonis' mother was searched for by the curious, they found that the only record of her was her death certificate; deceased because of the plague. Andonis was brought up as the king's son, and soon after the announcement, the people of Azuryl forgot the mysterious circumstances in which he entered the life of a royal.

It took four years for General Bane to reinstate the army to the former number, but it could never amount back to the same quality. He had to travel to the very outskirts of the kingdom to find adolescents young enough to be taught correctly but old enough to learn, and to buy the necessary horses from greedy merchants that could smell the General's desperation.

The castle weapon-smiths toiled for months to make the keen-edged swords, rapiers and axes and smelt the arrow heads the new army required, and the seam-mistresses were run ragged clothing all the new recruits. The biggest addition to the army was the archers, and to Bane's horror, the archers consisted of almost solely women. It was decreed that females were not be actively visible in war, and the local populace of blood-thirsty girls bypassed that by slipping in through the very obvious hole given to them.

The General did have to admit that the women had steadier hands and made excellent archers - in practice, anyway; the King had avoided the prospects of any type of war, this time wisely keeping peace with all neighbouring kingdoms as his own healed.

By the fifth year after the war, the army had the appropriate number of captains and it started to run itself, giving John more time to focus on helping raise Andonis. Thirteen years passed quickly for Gulford raising his new son, but the years took their toll on the old King. While Andonis prospered, grew strong and quick, Gulford steadily became frail and weak.

Andonis was raised under the influence of the whole castle and the surrounding town. Everyone knew him, and as such, he knew a fair bit more about his country than his surrogate father realized. He grew up under the feet of the kitchen cook, learning how to season soups, albeit badly; he played in the stables, brushing manes and cleaning hooves; he worried the blacksmith with the way he toyed with molten fire and he was seen around the carpenters, rebuilding sunken structures. The boy's learning was diverse, not only did he have the best tutors in literature, the arts and music, but John Bane was his weapons trainer, and Andonis was one of his best students.

One of Andonis' more remarkable talents was hand-to-hand combat. General Bane had been desperate for trainers in the first year after the war, and as such, had hired many different men of unique fighting skills to fill the gaps. It didn't take long for Bane to appreciate the impressive array of moves each martial art provided. The trainers were eager to teach each other their own ways, and the collective methodology that arose from the combination of the hand-to-hand combat techniques from different countries was referred to as te`.

At the age of sixteen, give or take a year, Andonis was a collective and confident young man. And he knew his father was dying.

The King's Bastard Son, Andonis

- - - - - - - - - -

The King sat, encapsulated by a large wooden throne which showed just how frail he was in comparison, like a twig within a cart. His breath came out in heavy and ragged gasps of air. Andonis watched carefully from the side as his father led the Azuryl Court. Pain clutched his heart whenever he saw his father like this, for it hurt when Andonis wasn't allowed to help him. The King had told him he had wanted to retain his dignity, his honour.

A small red gemmed pendant on a thick silver necklace sparkled at the King's chest and Andonis watched at the sun's rays shining though the open window reflected away and danced as Gulford breathed. Once, when just a boy, Andonis had asked to wear the necklace, but Gulford had gently rebuked him, telling him it was for "the King's own" alone.

Andonis had smiled trying to be bright and happy as before he had asked the question, but inside he had felt crushed. As a small child he knew his mother was not of royal descent and he thought his father might not love him for that reason. To his young mind, the "shunning" of him was just more evidence in the long list contributing to the fact that his father didn't love him. Of course, Gulford had seen through the boy's clumsy expression and when Andonis had asked to be excused from company for the night, he had returned to a present resting upon his pillow.

As the King judged a peasant wisely Andonis glanced to his own chest to examine the miniature replica of the same necklace. A small reminiscent smile grew on his face. Andonis had been somewhat spoilt when he was younger, but he knew from that lesson as well as countless others that straight forwardness was the best approach to any situation.

Andonis watched with bright eyes as the last civilian left the court and he flew to his father's side to help him stand. As he drew closer he knew his suspicions were not just that. The man's eyes were going milky white, his skin a pallid yellow hanging off muscle-less bone and his walk was but an old man's shamble when it used to be a proud stride. Carefully he pulled the weight of his father onto himself, dragging one of the king's skinny arms over his shoulder and inwardly steeled himself. Direct approaches were good approaches. . . he tried to convince himself as the words to make a proper and un-insulting sentence writhed around in his head.

Taking a deep breath he finally opened his mouth to speak and was cut off by his father's dry, but somewhat bemused, voice, "I know you've been watching me, Andonis."

Andonis's cheeks felt hot. He cleared his throat, "And how do you know that, your majesty?"

Gulford chuckled at first, but slowly it escalated into a fit of wet coughs. Once the King recovered, with the help of Andonis patting him lightly on the back, he replied, "You have eyes like the sea. They're like deer eyes at night caught in maguslight! I can spot them at once. . . I trust you have reason to ignore your princely training?"

"This is the first time I've shirked my responsibility!" Andonis voice grew higher as he defended himself, "You can hardly blame me when you look so - " he physically stopped himself by slapping a hand over his mouth.

Gulford turned a harsh gaze to his son and in an icy tone replied, "So what, Andonis Raiet of Azuryl?"

The presence that had always been in Andonis' head, that odd mental twinge that occurred when Andonis was feeling any strong emotions, spoke up, <Calm>, it whispered before it withdrew back into the depths of his mind. The single word strengthened Andonis' spirit and he met his father's gaze, "So not yourself, father."

The king sighed and wearily closed his eyes, "I know my time is near, son." His bottom lip trembled slightly, "And I know that you are ready."

"Don't say things like that!" Andonis said, enraged, "You can still. . . can still. . ."

"Can still what, Andonis? You and I, and all the people of the court and palace know that I am old, that I'm past my prime. I am withered and yellow, I'm tired and aching, and the God's help me, I don't know if I want to be tethered to this creaking body any longer!"

A tear rolled down Andonis' cheek, "But I don't want you to leave." The presence in his mind writhed, feeling its host's pain, not knowing why Andonis was so sad, but experiencing most of it watered down over the tangible link they shared.

The King's face softened, but just as he was about to speak, General Bane appeared at the entrance of the court, his helmet held under his arm, dressed in the leathers of swordsmanship training.

"Your majesty, you wished I be here?"

"Ah Bane, right on schedule." The king cast a sly look in Andonis' direction, and the mood change both worried and relaxed Andonis, "I'm after a quick debriefing on how my son is taking to his training."

The general rose one bushy eyebrow at his lord, "As you well know, Andonis is already one of my best students at archery, fighting, horse-riding, tactics; he even surpasses your benchmark when I first met you, Gulford."

"So would you say that he's capable enough to be a captain in our new army?"

John blanched, but tried to hide his surprise, "Sir, he's only seventeen or so winters old. . ."

"And his skills far surpass your other students and the ones that have graduated, as you told me the other the day. I don't see the problem with giving him a rank and some responsibilities." The kings eyes grew dull again, and both knew what he was thinking but didn't say.

"Of course I can give him the status." Bane said gently, "But it's up to Andonis if he wants to accept the role."

Andonis’ mouth opened and closed a few times as he desperately searched for the correct words to reply. He did not want to be sent to war now! Words finally stammered out momentarily in protest, but then he locked eyes with his father. In that calm, weathered gaze Andonis gave way almost instantly. If his father wanted this, then so be it. Grounding his teeth, a nasty habit he had picked up from the King, he fell to his knee and grasped at the King's hand.

"Father, you know I would take this status with full heart, but I want to stay by your side as long as I can. You know how much I would love to finally get vengeance upon the King of Cruciot for all the lives he has stolen." As Adonis spoke, squeezing the King's hand in his own, not baring to look into his eyes, a hidden glance passed between the two men Andonis most respected, their eyes glinting with concern.

The prince whipped his hand away and stepped a few feet towards an empty corner, "Oh, you know how much I begged to be able to finally be put to some use, to contribute to our fight, but now, when I want this the least, you ask this of me?" Andonis quickly wiped away a tear, wanting to hide his distress, even though he was sure his cracking voice was giving him away. The voice at the back of his mind tumbled around in protest, silently screaming its discomfort at this despairing feeling.

Gulford looked solemnly at the young man's wide shouldered back, "Son, you have known for some time. I didn't think you were blind. Let an old man die in honour, away from prying eyes which would watch me decay. I don't want you to see your father lying on his deathbed too weak to even to clean himself. I don't want that. But, it is your choice. You'll get used to responsibility sooner… or later."

Andonis swallowed back a shriek of anger and coughed as the ever familiar voice spoke again <Calm>. Taking a breath to balance himself and his emotions, Andonis turned back around and bowed stiffly, his eyes still partially watering in both frustration and anguish. He ran a gloved hand through his hair and then nodded his head down, "If this is what you want, my King, I shall serve.”

Gulford smiled weakly, masking his concern for his son with false joy, and clapped him over the back, "Now, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

Andonis's bright blue eyes met his and the King was forced to look away in guilt.

- - - - - - - - - -

"You know what this reminds me of, Leonard?" asked a man about his mid sixties, his dark brown, almost black, eyes glinting in pure enjoyment.

The guard he was talking to went sheet-white and began to quiver in fear, scared of the attention upon him by such a daunting figure, "Wha-what, my ma-maj-majesty?"

"That wonderful moment - thirteen years ago. Look how they flee, like the vermin they are!" chortled the King of Cruciot as he watched his latest opponents, or some would say victims, in war run for their lives. The huge empire Harrison was building required the land of Talma, famous for being the trading centre of Thrans. The war had been going on for years, neither king willing to give up, but the Cruciot army was huge from the prisoners of previous wars, and it was only a matter of time until the men of Talma refused to fight any longer.

"Father, why are you letting them escape?" asked a young man, sitting upon his horse, reclining comfortably to watch as their soldiers ran swords through the enemies unprotected backs.

King Harrison's Heir, Xavier

"Doesn't it amuse you?" Harrison growled, eyeing his son with mild interest which he almost never showed.

"Didn't mother ever tell you not to play with your food?" asked Xavier, a smirk blooming on his handsome face.

The King's slap was like a ten tonne war horse slamming into the side of the Prince's cheek. The force was so strong Xavier was knocked from his seat and he fell sprawled on the dirt. Harrison spat down at his son's face, "Don't mention your mother in my presence."

The young man pulled himself off the ground, into a straight stance, and bowed low, "Yes, sir."

Harrison chuckled at and raised an eyebrow at the dishevelled look his son had taken from his fall, "Go clean yourself up. I wouldn't want our soldiers thinking they can walk around like pigs."

With a flick of the reins, the King of Cruciot trotted off back to the castle, leaving Xavier alone, amongst dead bodies. He clenched his fists in anger and muttered darkly to himself, "I shouldn't be treated like this."

A wisp of smoke fluttered around him, but clouded on his shoulder in a small ball. Xavier smiled cruelly as it took shape, "What now, messenger?"

The cloud had transformed into a small lizard with wings, puffing smoke out of its nostrils, and a forked tongue darting in and out its mouth. It hissed out, "The lady beckonssss, sshe ssayss the game beginsss."

The Prince stood in apt attention, his eyes wide, "Tell her I'll be there as soon as possible."

The miniature demon nodded and in a puff of smoke he was gone. Xavier took a deep breath and painfully heaved himself back onto his horse, "And so the King moves."

- - - - - - - - - -

The magus lived a very simple life in the Cruciot monastery within the northern mountains. They rose an hour before sunrise to the toll of the bell tower and attended mass in the temple of the gods, kneeling on woven mats laid upon straw. They then broke their fast before going off to do their assigned chores, teach, learn or train.

Favian had lived there for almost as long as he could remember, just like everyone else, and just like everyone else, he had snippets of memory of his previous life; flashes of stone walls, small pudgy feet and hands that were not his own, long ash-blonde hair that belonged to a female face that he assumed was his mother.

The Magus, Favian

Favian, slightly bemused at the hole in their own history, scribbled a few sentences down on his parchment of paper.

Children born with a strong magic talent were scouted out annually under King Harrison's audit by Seekers and a band of soldiers as guards and then taken to the monastery to learn the ways of a magus; how to control the latent talent that lay otherwise dormant in their veins.

Children with some talent but not enough to be able to use it in any useful way were called majere.

Favian paused to re-ink his quill and as he dabbed the end in delicately, he thought about those children. Strangely enough he found himself envying them, for they weren't torn away from their homes, like he had been. With a small dismissive sound, he got his brain back on track and he began to write again.

There were countless cases of royal or noble bloodlines dying out from the unfortunate effect of magus being barren. It was and still to this day is theorised that using magic killed the life force that men impregnated women with, and women didn't bleed monthly after using their talent. As such, royals or nobles born and discovered as a magus were removed and disowned from the descendent bloodline for the continuance of the family. Curiously majere could still conceive-

Favian looked up from the scroll, his left hand held just above the parchment as someone entered the library. Little splotches of ink dropped from the quill and marred the otherwise elegantly written paper.

"Acolyte, the Head Friar wants to see you."

The adolescent rolled up the piece of parchment, closed the ink hub and followed the errand boy through the corridors carved out of the mountain cliff face with wide open windows that revealed the sprawling countryside of Cruciot. It didn't take them long to reach the chambers of the head friar, and the errand boy was dismissed with a wave of the man's rough hand.

"Favian, my lad, I trust you have been reading up on how to conscript the newest round of acolytes in preparation for tomorrow's journey?" He gestured at the straight-back chair in front of the table before him.

Favian sat and replied, "I have, sir, and I believe that I am ready.”

"Yes," said the friar, "I chose you for many reasons; your devotedness, your good manners and sound knowledge of the human psyche place you at the top of the list for finding new talent. Not to mention your considerable skill in magic and detecting it."

The young man knew all this and didn't take pride in any of it. His aptitude in magic and literature did not make up for his skinny frame or his absolute lack of co-ordination that made him the laughing stock of most of his classes when he tripped over his own feet.

While the acolyte enjoyed his life at the monastery, he longed for a chance to redeem himself in the eyes of his peers, and if he, the most accident-prone student in the guild, managed to bring back a horde of new talent and come back in one piece, Favian knew he would appear mightier in the eyes of his rivals.
"Yes sir. I am ready."

- - - - - - - - - -

As Andonis all but collapsed into the tent's cloth entrance he glanced nervously around at the small inside. He wasn't used to such "accommodations", without his creature comforts. He caught himself eyeing his bedroll in disdain. The newest captain moaned out loud, he had just come off night watch and his eyelids were dragging closed.

Andonis ran a hand through his cropped black hair and let out a sigh, he had never thought he was as well-bred as this. He even used sleep in the barn sometimes. A confused frown found itself on his face as he thought back on it.

His mouth dropped open in realisation; he had always woken up with a blanket or pillow underneath him and he had never bothered to question it. Andonis looked to the roof of his tent and prayed to the Gods that he wouldn't look like an idiot.

Crawling out from his tent muttering obscenities, he made his weary way to the campfire which was at the last of its life, dwindling out. A few embers still burned bright at the centre of the pit, glowing a faint orange. A smiling red headed man greeted him, "Look who crawled out from the land of dreams."

Andonis swatted a hand at Bane and let out a suppressed sound of frustration, "This tent is awful! I swear there are twenty-thousand rocks underneath my roll that disappear every single time I look for them."

The General chuckled a little then smiled knowingly, "You'll get used to it. That or... you’ll die of exhaustion."

Andonis glared at the red-head, his blue eyes drilling into Bane's, "General, thank you ever so much for the vote of confidence."

The stout man brought a hand up and mussed up the Prince's hair, "You're very much welcome, you wretch. Anyway, try and get some sleep, I'm leaving you in charge for the next village; I'm heading back for a while."

The man grunted as he stood up from the log and began to walk away, but then stopped suddenly. Andonis was clutching at Bane's sleeve keeping him in place. There was a moment silence. A single ember came alive and flared up into partial flame. The new captain swallowed loudly and then asked what was on his mind, "Is it... is it father?"

There was a moment hesitation as Bane thought deeply about his reply. Andonis waited in solemn silence. The General cleared his throat and then stated, "No."

Andonis felt tears form at the corners of his eyes, but he violently wiped them away. He could always tell when Bane was lying. Always. With a heavy heart he watched the General's back disappear into the darkness. The last ember died. The prince crawled back into his tent, lied down on his bedroll, pulled on his flimsy blanket and closed his eyes. He hated not knowing, he hated not being there for his father. He hated it all. Unwanted tears began to leak from his eyes. As he tossed around in bed trying to fight the urge to scream, the soothing voice at the back of his head began spoke, <Sleep>.

Andonis was momentarily surprised at what a simple task that was. He merely let everything go. It was easy. And he slept. Even on those seven rocks that Bane had hidden inside his roll.

- - - - - - - - - -

Xavier bowed so low his hair skimmed the floor, "My lady. Eruo Viator said you had something interesting to say to me."
He had just returned from his travels, even though he had been galloping with haste, the war he had been in was in a far bordering country. A hand, slim, milky white and so soft it looked like it was made of silk, poked forward from the curtains and touched the prince's forehead, gently raising his head.

"The little demon didn't tell you what I said exactly did he?" asked a feminine smooth, but sharp voice.

Mother of Xavier, Lady Tiama

The woman's silhouette was visible, but her details could not be seen. Xavier lifted his head and gingerly gripped her hand in his, bringing it to his lips, "No, he merely said the game has begun. I have yet to hear the details."

The hand darted out of his reach and patted him on his head. Xavier leaned into her hand and closed his eyes. His teeth gritted, "I am sick of this pretence. I am so much better than the King. Why must he think he is strong?"

"Shhhh. You know he is not stronger or purer than you. You are chosen. You are the son of someone very powerful. Don't mock him by complaining about petty things. If you wait and listen to the instructions all your pains shall become worth it."

The hand withdrew and the white-haired prince stood up from his kneeling position, "Is there anything you need me to do?"

The Lady cast her mind back to when she had asked the very same question of the Great Dark Ones, and they had told her to marry and marry well. By coincidence, or the powers that be, Prince Harrison Addsett of the Kingdom of Cruciot was visiting the island of Mavok to sample the wine it was famous for. The princess only had to batt her bright blue eyes at the prince, smile with her full lips and use her persuasive charms before she had the prince wrapped tightly around her little finger. By the evening she had him in her bed, and in the morning they were conveniently found by her father who became outraged. Harrison knew he had made a mistake, and could only agree to a sunset marriage that very night. But the future king of Cruciot wasn't stupid, and correctly guessed that the princess had deliberately put him in this predicament. For this reason, Harrison endeavoured to make his wife's life living hell. He forced himself upon her every chance he could get, begetting her many times. She had countless miscarriages, and only gave birth twice to live, breathing children. Eventually she became barren from continuous internal bleeding.

The silhouette disappeared from the curtain, but a voice whispered to him, "You are to dote on the King. If you stand by him you will learn your next move. Wait, and watch carefully. The game has begun, we don't want to make any false moves."

Xavier nodded, bowed again and then turned and left. He disappeared down the hallway, his strides long and purposeful. The walk of a prince, or of a man who thought very highly of himself.

If he had listened he would've heard the soft, smooth yet sharp laughter following him out of the room.

- - - - - - - - - -

Surprisingly, the first potential talent the young acolyte sensed was only a small horse ride away. Dismounting in the small village, he looked around and followed the sweet scent of innocent magic use to a shabby house. Favian took a deep breath, the horrible feeling he felt inside his chest had overcome him and he shook his head, I can't give in to nerves now. Steeling himself, he lifted his clenched fist and rapped lightly upon the wooden door.

Clearing his throat, he knocked a little louder, "Excuse me.”

The patter of many feet on wooden floorboards alerted him to the presence of someone's behind the door. For a minute there was no answer. Favian raised a confused eyebrow, "Hello?"

The door swung open, nearly smashing Favian's face in. A plump, round woman carrying a child on either hip and three little toddlers scampering around her feet answered, "Whaddya want?"

Favian swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, as a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead, "I’m. . . looking for potential magus."

The lady gave him a discerning look from his head to his toes, muttered something to herself and looked to choose one of her children, in a decision that seemed almost random. It was a small mousy looking boy with soft brown eyes. Unhesitating, she pushed him out of the door, "This one." The woman looked at her son for the last time, “He’s a rowdy bugger; a whack to the side of the head calms him down.” This time Favian’s nose was nearly swiped clean off as the door slammed shut, leaving the boy and the magus standing uncomfortably outside on the doorstep.

Favian studied the small child who looked no older than five with his eyes and his mind. He smiled gently and raised a hand, "I'm Favian. What's your name?"

The boy's bottom lip began to tremble and he let loose with his tears. The young acolyte was lost. He had no idea how to react to this situation. In all the years he had been learning, this situation had not been included into his lessons. He stood there and stared blankly at the child.

Then he was overcome by a completely irrational feeling; with nothing left to lose he brought the child into a hug. Slowly, the mousy boy began to calm and instead he just pouted indefinitely.

“Come child, we’ve got a lot of travelling to do.”

Hey again Well, I finally reached my procrastination limits for the next couple of days

I'm just gonna review chapter one because there don't seem to be any major changes to the prologue from when I last reviewed it. And, speaking of chapter one, if I were you I would post it in sections because it is veeery long, at least by the usual standards on here.

The people of the palace were too concerned about the lack of triumphant soldiers marching home that Bane was able to smuggle the baby in through the servants’ way, unnoticed.

As chapter opening sentences go, I don't think this is great. It would probably make more sense if you either said "The people of the palace were too concerned about the lack of triumphant soldiers marching home to notice Bane smuggling the baby in through the servants way." or "The people of the palace were so concerned about the lack of triumphant soldiers that Bane was able to smuggle the baby in through the servants' way, unnoticed." but a mix of the two sounds a bit funny.

The God's forbid

Gods.

"My son. Andonis."

I was so not expecting this! I like it as a plot development but you might want to make it more clearer that Harrison's son that he hands over is a baby because I was picturing him as somewhere between five and ten in the prologue.

Bluer than the hottest flames.

I suppose you do get blue flames on bunsen burners and that kind of thing but this simile threw me off at first because fire automatically makes you think of yellow and red. I would suggest making it a bit more specific if you keep this because otherwise readers are automatically going to imagine your standard orange colour.

Word spread that the war council had not been happy at the sudden battle plans. They had rightfully claimed that there weren't enough men to fight a war now, especially to participate in a siege. The general public learnt that King Gulford and his general had decided that the easiest target to hit would be Ypoc territory to the west; a country only recently conquered by King Harrison's greed. It had already proved prone to revolts and the country was still going through reformations; it was in a state of idealistic turmoil and confusion. The enemy king's forces would likely be elsewhere; spies reported that the sovereignty of Kertenc were hatching plans of their own to lay siege on the capital of Cruciot itself. Gulford's council had heard wind of these plans, then no doubt Harrison had too, and would have concentrated his forces to defend his own castle on his own lands.

I found myself skimming over this paragraph without really taking it in. It's a lot of confusing information about neighbouring kingdoms and battle plans - before the earlier battle? Just after? A long time after? - and kinda went in one ear and out the other with me. Perhaps this is evidence of me having a very short attention span but I thought you might want to know.

<Calm>

I would say that putting this in italics would be a better way to emphasize it. Up to you though.

like a twig within a cart.

Why would a twig be in a cart? The cart part seems like an odd image to use, unless twigs and carts have some connection I'm not realising about.

Ooh, they have magic? And Adonis has some magical thing in this brain, possibly? It definitely makes the fantasy world more interesting to have magic in, but it seems odd that they didn't use mages in the battle in the prologue, if they exist.

He even used sleep in the barn sometimes.

I think you missed a 'to' out here.

A confused frown found itself on his face as he thought back on it.

I guess I'm being really picky here, but would a frown "find itself"? It's not like frowns have conscious thought or anything, if you know what I mean.

There were also a few run-on sentences dotted throughout it, such as:

He had just returned from his travels, even though he had been galloping with haste, the war he had been in was in a far bordering country.

There were more, so you might want to go through and look for them.

asked a feminine smooth, but sharp voice.

If he had listened he would've heard the soft, smooth yet sharp laughter following him out of the room.

You used basically the same description twice in a short section, so it gets a bit repetitive. Also, 'smooth' and 'sharp' are pretty much the opposite of each other, so how can she be both at the same time? I can imagine her being smooth but concealing nastiness underneath and I can imagine her being sharp but I can't imagine someone being both at the same time, particularly when they're laughing.

So, overall I liked the way you brought more threads and new characters into the story and I found it pretty interesting. Out of all the sections I'd say my favourites were the one with Harrison, who's enjoyably nasty, and his son, and the mysterious one with Xavier and that lady. The ones with Adonis and Favian were also good but not quite as engrossing.

As for characters, Gulford irritates me a bit but I guess that's a sign of a rounded character. XD Harrison makes a good villain and it'll be interesting to see what happens with him and Xavier. And Favian seems pretty sweet. (sorry, these aren't exactly helpful comments, are they?)

Sorry that I can't think of more general things to critique; as a first draft of a chapter I think this is much better than the first draft of the prologue was. Hope this was helpful anyway

Kiwisatsuma wrote:Hey again Well, I finally reached my procrastination limits for the next couple of days

I'm glad you took the time to review, Kiwi! I added some character images if you wanted to have a look. I hope that my created images from doll makers appease your ideas of what the characters looked like

And, speaking of chapter one, if I were you I would post it in sections because it is veeery long, at least by the usual standards on here.

Okay The next chapter I post, I'll make sure I post only parts of it at a time.

As chapter opening sentences go, I don't think this is great.

Hmm. Okay, I'll find a way to change it. Shouldn't be too difficult... lulz.

"My son. Andonis."

I was so not expecting this! I like it as a plot development but you might want to make it more clearer that Harrison's son that he hands over is a baby because I was picturing him as somewhere between five and ten in the prologue

Okay, will change. You probably have that idea because of how old Andonis is in the very beginning. I'll try to make his age at the transfer more obvious.

I suppose you do get blue flames on bunsen burners and that kind of thing but this simile threw me off at first because fire automatically makes you think of yellow and red.

I see what you mean. Hmm, how to change this...

I found myself skimming over this paragraph without really taking it in. It's a lot of confusing information about neighbouring kingdoms and battle plans - before the earlier battle? Just after? A long time after? - and kinda went in one ear and out the other with me. Perhaps this is evidence of me having a very short attention span but I thought you might want to know.

I could just entirely cut it out. If you didn't read it, perhaps no one else will either. Will consider it, but I will probably cut it out. Thanks for pointing it out

<Calm>

I would say that putting this in italics would be a better way to emphasize it. Up to you though.

It's not Andonis's thought though, it's someone/something else talking to him.

like a twig within a cart.

Why would a twig be in a cart? The cart part seems like an odd image to use, unless twigs and carts have some connection I'm not realising about.

I believe it was supposed to represent how skinny and small King Gulford was compared to the throne.

Ooh, they have magic? And Adonis has some magical thing in this brain, possibly? It definitely makes the fantasy world more interesting to have magic in, but it seems odd that they didn't use mages in the battle in the prologue, if they exist.

Magic is rare, and in all kingdoms, magic is banned due to a horrible world war that wiped out whole nations. People who use magic are isolated from an early age and serve a life similar to those of monks.

He even used sleep in the barn sometimes.

I think you missed a 'to' out here.

lol Yeah, just a little bit.

There were also a few run-on sentences dotted throughout it, so you might want to go through and look for them.

Okay, will do

So, overall I liked the way you brought more threads and new characters into the story and I found it pretty interesting.

But not interesting enough, in other words Okay, looks like it's time for a major rehaul. Yay. Rehauls.

Out of all the sections I'd say my favourites were the one with Harrison, who's enjoyably nasty, and his son, and the mysterious one with Xavier and that lady.

lol really? Those scenes were the ones least developed. Do you prefer the simplistic style?

The ones with Adonis and Favian were also good but not quite as engrossing.

I assume that's because the first scene with Andonis chronicles how he's grown up to be a fitting prince, and it's a lot of information you don't want to read? I wonder how I can cut it down without leaving glaring holes...

As for characters, Gulford irritates me a bit but I guess that's a sign of a rounded character.

Don't worry :3 He dies :3 I already told this to Rach, so the secret was already out :3

XD Harrison makes a good villain and it'll be interesting to see what happens with him and Xavier.

lol yes, there will be father-son power plays. Yay

Thank you so much for your review. You've put a lot of things into perspective for me Will get to editing as soon as I've finished all my uni crap. Exam on Monday, oral presentation Thursday, report due the same day, another exam the following Wednesday, assignment due that Friday, and then I'll have about half a week before my online blog is due.

So yeah I'm procrastinating as it is

- Jai

PS, I'll post bits of the new chapter as soon as I've harrassed more people for reviews on this Chapter and I have fixed it up so it's awesome that way you readers want it to be.

If you're interested in how I made the characters, this is the site. Naow back to studying. Wheeeee.

Phew. That was a little long. But, not that long. So, I think you're better off not splitting the chapters up. You might want to post them separately, though, because it took me forever to find this chapter one here, even after I did the smart thing and read the footnote. Maybe I'm just being lazy.

Onward!

The omniscient narrator's really growing on me, and I think it works, especially with the occasional breaks. For action scenes, you'll want to keep it mainly in character, I imagine, but in terms of covering time, distance, and character, the omniscient is definitely working. The storytellerness of it's nice too. Easy reading.

And, at this point, I don't really have too much to comment on. My main concern is that both Andonis and Favian were ringing warning bells on the Mary Sue radar. The comments about how Andonis is so talented with the weapons, and how he knows how to season the soups, and do all the smith work and such... they were making me uneasy, especially since (at least as far as I can remember) we the readers never got an explanation about why he did all these things, or why he was allowed to. So, it kind of seemed like a "Look how cool this prince is!" sort of thing. Can't say for sure, as this is only the first chapter, but something to be wary of.

As for Favian... I can't really saw why he was on the Sue-dar, other than the fact that he's there so things about magic can be explained, as well as Andonis's either magus or maj-something talents. So maybe he's being Sue-d by association.

On a similar note, Harrison. All the talk about how awful he is, and then him slapping his son... Maybe it's because I associate Harrison with Harrison Ford, but I'm rebelling against being told that he's awful and mean and cruel. Not that I think he's secretly a good guy or tragically misunderstood or something... but I guess it's more like you're trying to hard to make him awful, drawing attention to all the awful things he does as if to see, "Look, see! He IS awful! Look look look, everyone's been telling you so!"

Omniscient's a different beast than what I'm used to, but I think you can just let the characters speak for themselves in whatever way one goes about doing that with an omniscient narrator. I really have no idea.

Per usual, let me know if you have any questions! Though, you're always awesome about replying to your reviews, so I guess I'll be back to respond to your response. Maybe I'll've thought up something else to add by then! Hope this helps!

Rach

Heyyyy Jai! I'm sorry I've haven't reviewed this yet --- procrastinating is very fun, you know!

seeminglymeaningless wrote:Dreamy and everyone else who disliked Harry's name, I changed it to Harrison. Harry means "army power, or ruler of the army", so believe it or not, King Harry actually fit no matter how ridiculous it sounded

Why did you change it to Harrison? =[ I like Harry better.

The only thing I found a bit of a problem with this chapter is this:

The Lady cast her mind back to when she had asked the very same question of the Great Dark Ones, and they had told her to marry and marry well. By coincidence, or the powers that be, Prince Harrison Addsett of the Kingdom of Cruciot was visiting the island of Mavok to sample the wine it was famous for. The princess only had to batt her bright blue eyes at the prince, smile with her full lips and use her persuasive charms before she had the prince wrapped tightly around her little finger. By the evening she had him in her bed, and in the morning they were conveniently found by her father who became outraged. Harrison knew he had made a mistake, and could only agree to a sunset marriage that very night. But the future king of Cruciot wasn't stupid, and correctly guessed that the princess had deliberately put him in this predicament. For this reason, Harrison endeavoured to make his wife's life living hell. He forced himself upon her every chance he could get, begetting her many times. She had countless miscarriages, and only gave birth twice to live, breathing children. Eventually she became barren from continuous internal bleeding.

Well, I don't know about you, but I think this is a bit like an infodump. The first two sentences are necessary, but the others, though extremely interesting and informative, can be inserted later in this story.

Another thing, Favian seemed to me a little like Mary Sue. Maybe it's because we don't really get to see him in action or that he's a minor character in this chapter, but I think you could develop his character and make his personality stand out more.

Anyways, I thought this was very well-written, and it captured my full attention right from the first sentence! A very intersting first chapter, and the pictures are pretty, too! I'm definitely using it to show what my characters in my novel look like so thank you very much for the link! XD

~Rosie =]

Hey guys! Thanks for the review. If I have learnt one thing at all, it's: post only in small increments. And I apologize for making you guys read that huge chapter. I deserve to be beaten

----------

Rachael:

And, at this point, I don't really have too much to comment on. My main concern is that both Andonis and Favian were ringing warning bells on the Mary Sue radar.

*sigh* I was really trying to avoid making them appear all mighty, but their initial characteristics change a fair bit when it happens - if you know what I mean. They start off above average, happy and fantastic, and then... Boom. Bye bye happiness :3

The comments about how Andonis is so talented with the weapons, and how he knows how to season the soups, and do all the smith work and such... they were making me uneasy, especially since (at least as far as I can remember) we the readers never got an explanation about why he did all these things, or why he was allowed to. So, it kind of seemed like a "Look how cool this prince is!" sort of thing. Can't say for sure, as this is only the first chapter, but something to be wary of.

In a way, I was setting Andonis up to be perfect - the perfect heir. A prince that actually cares about the commoners, knows how to saddle his own horse, etc etc. Perhaps I made him too perfect? But then again, this perfection is sorely tested when his father... dies, so - I'm not sure. Perhaps if you read up to where I've written, and Andonis still seems like a god, then I'll have to tone him down a little.

As for Favian... I can't really saw why he was on the Sue-dar, other than the fact that he's there so things about magic can be explained, as well as Andonis's either magus or maj-something talents. So maybe he's being Sue-d by association.

Favian certainly takes a dive into delicious madness quite soon, so, unless Marty Stu/Mary Sue's are associated with scary insanity where people begin to avoid her, then I'll say Favian's safe in that regard . And nice picking up on Andonis' majere talent. You win a prize! What would you like? :3

On a similar note, Harrison. All the talk about how awful he is, and then him slapping his son... Maybe it's because I associate Harrison with Harrison Ford, but I'm rebelling against being told that he's awful and mean and cruel. Not that I think he's secretly a good guy or tragically misunderstood or something... but I guess it's more like you're trying to hard to make him awful, drawing attention to all the awful things he does as if to see, "Look, see! He IS awful! Look look look, everyone's been telling you so!"

Another reader of this also commented on this part. Something along the lines of, "I get that he's meant to be the evil king and Gulford the awesome good light king - you don't need to shove the fact of Harry's evilness down our throats. My sister wrote that part. While I semi agree with the fact that the slap is a bit too much, all you have to do is think; this is a king who conquers kingdoms without the slightest thought about how many will die, his sole ambition is to be the Emperor of Thrans. And he rapes his wife constantly to "pay her back" - he's just nasty all around.

Thanks for the review, Rach! I love discussing my characters and their flaws (or lack thereof ).

----------

Rosie:

iceprincess wrote:Why did you change it to Harrison? =[ I like Harry better.

Coz all I could think of when I wrote his name was Harry Potter As you can imagine, those thoughts were a bit disconcerting

The only thing I found a bit of a problem with this chapter is this:

Well, I don't know about you, but I think this is a bit like an infodump. The first two sentences are necessary, but the others, though extremely interesting and informative, can be inserted later in this story.

:/ I know what you mean, but see, she has this *other* flashback pretty soon after this one, and the second flashback wouldn't make sense without the first... See? I can't figure out how to fix this... Gaaah.

Another thing, Favian seemed to me a little like Mary Sue. Maybe it's because we don't really get to see him in action or that he's a minor character in this chapter, but I think you could develop his character and make his personality stand out more.

lol I really don't know why you guys think he's a Marty Stu... Is it because he's academically good? Other than that, he's scrawny, no one likes him, he is extremely uncoordinated...

TV Tropes wrote:Marty Stu is the personification of action, action and more action. Or, if he is of an intellectual bent, he thinks his way through problems, inventing whole new branches of science and technology in the process. In contrast to Mary Sue who has been freed to play an active and/or passive role, Marty Stu is almost never seen taking on his sister's old school Purity Sue role: passive motivator of others through his purity, beauty and helplessness.

Marty Stu is devastatingly handsome (or if not, possessed of a strange, saturnine magnetism) and desired by all significant women, yes, but romance is not likely to be the main dish. He's an unstoppable fighter, a rogue agent, a fearless freedom fighter, a master of disguise. However, as times have changed, just as Mary's acquired a bratty temper, Marty's had the occasional opportunity to show his softer side.

I thought this was very well-written, and it captured my full attention right from the first sentence! A very intersting first chapter, and the pictures are pretty, too!

Yay! Thank you! I'm glad you liked the pictures - I had hoped they would convey what I wanted

I'm definitely using it to show what my characters in my novel look like so thank you very much for the link! XD

Definitely link me to the chapters when you post them up! I love playing around with the dress up dolls ^^"

Thanks Rosie :3

PS: Might post bits and pieces of the next chapter soon. Aiming to get a few more reviews on this first :3

Hey again

Now, you have some seriously, and I mean seriously, good reviews on this already. With this review, I'm going to try and act as though I've never read the first part before. I'll probably do a comparison between the original and the new one on the end, but I probably won't go into an awful lot of detail. I'm not entirely sure whether this is going to be a long review or not because I don't really want to repeat what's already been said a thousand times. I haven't read the previous reviews, for petty obvious reasons. It would take me longer to read all of them than to write my own!

Compared to the other reviews, this one will probably be pretty useless. I'm really not sure if I'll find anything else to say that hasn't already been said. I have a feeling that this review might be a bit on the short side, so I'm sorry about that. Well, it will be short compared to the other beasts of review that you've got! Also, after reading this, there really isn't all that much that I can find to critique, let alone what's not been mentioned already plenty of times. Sorry I'm dragging this on. I'll stop blabbling now... I'll start off with any nit-picks that I find in this piece.

“... for if the trumpet gives an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself for battle?” --- Unknown Author

Considering this is a quote, I'm not sure if it needed correcting or whether it was just a typo. Technically though, it should be the way I corrected it. If that makes sense...

A globe of fire illuminated the room with a soft glow, casting rounded shadows of the furniture and the men standing at the boy's bed.

Gulford's eyes had a faraway look to them, and when he spoke, his voice was melodic. The voice of a story-teller; it was deep and reverberated around the room. It held authority and it demanded attention.

This sentence was a very long one, so I edited it a bit so that it flows a bit more smoothly.

"The wind bit harshly at unprotected skin, leaving the men drenched in a cold sweat. The gathered army hardly made hardly a sound, save the odd whinny of a horse, or the clink of chainmail."

The heir to the throne sat up, "Was there a moat?"

'Nawww... I find this kid really cute. I have a thing for little boys. God, that sounded wrong...

It was past noon; the sun high in the sky, the heat radiating off the overturned soil in hazy waves. The sparse scattering of clouds gave respite from harsh light, however brief. The trampled grass was dry and brittle, and the once peaceful meadow was not the way it had been, only days earlier, now ravaged and desolate.

I rather liked this description, I must say.

“Addsett!" The cry startled some crows that had begun to feast on the entails of a soldier's open stomach, "Peace. I declare peace! Allow us to safely retreat!” King Gulford Raiet yelled across the body-strewn battlefield, his voice echoing off the ridges and trenches.

The name of my form teacher...! She's a History teacher as well which is kind of creepy...

His broadsword rested against his knee, rusty from the fighting. The poisonous slime that encrusted the blade was probably the cause of most of his later kills as it sunk into flesh.

Harrison's dark hair seemingly not a strand out of place, triumphant eyes so dark brown, it was almost hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris.

Overall

I'm not going to be able to review the first chapter of this right now because I've got some homework that I really should be doing. Plus, I've got some other requests that I really need to get to and I've made people wait long enough, you included! I'll hopefully be able to review the first chapter of this later on though. Now, onto the review itself. Compared to the original version, I have to say that this one is certainly better. Admittedly, this kind of writing really sin't my thing, so you will have to bare that in mind. I don't really know all that much about wars and battles, so I can't really technically correct you with anything. Right now, the story seems pretty original. I can't automatically tell you what's going to happen in this story, which is a good thing. It's always a good sign when you can't predict what's going to happen in the story. That's what I like the best about this, I think. The fact that it's not at all predictable. I like it when writers keep me guessing. Your descriptions were once again good. This time, they didn't seem to confuse me at all either. Really well done for that. I could more or less understand what was going on, which is something I struggled with in the original version of this.

My main critique for this would have to be the fact that, at times, it kind of felt like an info dump. I have to be honest with you and say that I sometimes skipped the odd paragraph because I found some parts a bit boring and unnecessary. Now, a bit of this might be because I'm not the biggest fan of this kind of writing. You will have to bare that in mind. What you need to remember is that you shouldn't really include lines that aren't necessary, add to the story, or progress the story. Otherwise, your readers will get a bit bored. I think the lack of interest in this I sometimes had was down to some of your descriptions. It wasn't that they were bad ones, not at all. It's just that it sometimes felt as though they were basically not needed and only made the story feel a lot heavier and boring. Although descriptions are good and effective to have in your story, you must be ever so careful that they don't take over your entire story. Even though I'm saying this, compared to the original version, your descriptions are a lot better when it comes to taking over the piece. I just think that you need to go that little extra step and remove any descriptions that aren't necessary. The simple reason that it can begin to get boring, especially if the piece you're reading is rather long.

Other than that, I genuinely can't find anything else major that I have to critique. I do want to say though that I agree with more or less everything the latest reviewers have said, now that I have read them over quickly. Some of your characters do seem a bit on the Mary-Sue side at times, but I'm not actually going to complain all that much about that. This is only the beginning of the story, after all. There is plenty of time for you to progress your characters and make them less Mary-Sueish. Don't stress about that, I'm sure there are plenty of chapters to go for you to develop your characters. You have plenty of awesome reviews on this thread. The only thing that you need to do is take a deep, careful look at what us reviewers have and will say. You've gotten loads of great advice, so all you need to do is to take it and remember it. As a whole, I thought that this was actually very well written. If you take all of the advice you're getting, this will soon be a really immense piece of writing!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Skins wrote:Now, you have some seriously, and I mean seriously, good reviews on this already.

I sure do! Everyone who has review has been fantastic The reason why I requested a review from you was because you reviewed this right at the beginning, before I made any major changes. I had just wanted your opinion on the change. As I don't submit much to YWS in terms of chapters etc, I simply wish to improve things to perfection, and that involves asking for reviews on a certain topic over and over again. I know you don't have the time to read all the reviews, but after every single review, I made changes to make my story better. So yeah.

“... for if the trumpet gives an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself for battle?” --- Unknown Author

Considering this is a quote, I'm not sure if it needed correcting or whether it was just a typo. Technically though, it should be the way I corrected it. If that makes sense...

Yeah, because it was a quote, I left it as it was, as I didn't know if you were allowed to change quotes

Gulford's eyes had a faraway look to them, and when he spoke, his voice was melodic. The voice of a story-teller; it was deep and reverberated around the room. It held authority and it demanded attention.

This sentence was a very long one, so I edited it a bit so that it flows a bit more smoothly.

lol that comes from Bickazer demanding to know what the king's voice sounded like. Thanks for the pick up.

“Addsett!" The cry startled some crows that had begun to feast on the entails of a soldier's open stomach, "Peace. I declare peace! Allow us to safely retreat!” King Gulford Raiet yelled across the body-strewn battlefield, his voice echoing off the ridges and trenches.

The name of my form teacher...! She's a History teacher as well which is kind of creepy...

I actually stole the name from a friend. Maybe my friend and your history teacher are related

His broadsword rested against his knee, rusty from the fighting. The poisonous slime that encrusted the blade was probably the cause of most of his later kills as it sunk into flesh.

I was actually playing around with this sentence for ages trying to make it work. Thanks

I'm not going to be able to review the first chapter of this right now because I've got some homework that I really should be doing.

No worries. Do everyone else's reviews first, I can wait ages. My chapter is probably longer than all the other requests anyway.

My main critique for this would have to be the fact that, at times, it kind of felt like an info dump. I have to be honest with you and say that I sometimes skipped the odd paragraph because I found some parts a bit boring and unnecessary.

I was afraid of that. *sigh* I've already tried to trim down heaps of the paragraphs, but everything is kind of necessary, you know?

Although descriptions are good and effective to have in your story, you must be ever so careful that they don't take over your entire story.

I have problems with this. I don't want the story to be written in a simplistic style, I want this to be an epic sweeping fantasy. And lacklustre descriptions don't cut that bill.

Some of your characters do seem a bit on the Mary-Sue side at times, but I'm not actually going to complain all that much about that.

lol, without having read the first chapter, I don't know how that conclusion can be reached

You've gotten loads of great advice, so all you need to do is to take it and remember it. If you take all of the advice you're getting, this will soon be a really immense piece of writing!

Every single review I get results in me changing things. For some reason I get the feeling that you think I'm asking for reviews and not implementing the changes. All you have to do is read the change-log and that should be enough evidence to the contrary

Thanks for your review, Skins! I'll try and reduce the information dumps in the first chapter (but I don't think I can, considering I'm describing a battle and that previous reviews have considered the battle scene to be too rushed). Even though you're too cool to be a Musketeer, us Musketeers are cool enough to review you work anyway. Expect your novel to be reviewed by the end of next week (I have an assignment due on Friday, and Light_Devil is in her last week of school for this semester ie, block exams).

- Jai

Hey again

I'm not here to review the first chapter right now, but I will promise you that it will be done by tomorrow. I no longer have any homework or assignments, therefore, unless I get a pile in school tomorrow, I'll be able to get on with the review and hopefully help you out a bit!

Everyone who has review has been fantastic The reason why I requested a review from you was because you reviewed this right at the beginning, before I made any major changes. I had just wanted your opinion on the change. As I don't submit much to YWS in terms of chapters etc, I simply wish to improve things to perfection, and that involves asking for reviews on a certain topic over and over again. I know you don't have the time to read all the reviews, but after every single review, I made changes to make my story better. So yeah.

That is absolutely, perfectly fine! I think it's very good when a writer asks fro loads of reviews, even after getting great ones. There's always room for improvement is what I always say. I hope you didn't get me wrong when I said that you already had really great reviews.

I was afraid of that. *sigh* I've already tried to trim down heaps of the paragraphs, but everything is kind of necessary, you know?

Try not to worry much about that. If I'm perfectly honest, a big reason some of it may have felt info dumpish to me was simply because this kind of writing isn't what I normally read, so I'm not really used to it.

I have problems with this. I don't want the story to be written in a simplistic style, I want this to be an epic sweeping fantasy. And lacklustre descriptions don't cut that bill.

Fair enough. When it comes to descriptions, or lack of descriptions, a lot of it depends on the readers and writers opinion. I can't really tell you what's wrong and what's right because there isn't a wrong and right, not really.

Some of your characters do seem a bit on the Mary-Sue side at times, but I'm not actually going to complain all that much about that.

lol, without having read the first chapter, I don't know how that conclusion can be reached

Sorry, that's my bad! I forgot to mention that I have actually read the first chapter, just not reviewed it yet. *Slaps forehead* I probably had the first chapter in my mind when I was writing that. In my review, I actually thought that I'd said I'd read the first chapter, but wasn't going to review it at that moment. I obviously hadn't! Sorry for any confusion I caused...

Every single review I get results in me changing things. For some reason I get the feeling that you think I'm asking for reviews and not implementing the changes. All you have to do is read the change-log and that should be enough evidence to the contrary

Oh, you got the wrong idea! I didn't mean it in a bad way at all. When I said that you need to take people's advice and remember it, I meant that you needed to remember it for future references. For the unwritten chapters, I meant. Remember the advice you've been given with this chapter and use it all while writing other chapters and other stories. I also meant it as in to take the advice that's given to you from reviews on this you'll get in the future. Do you understand what I mean? I can certainly see how much this piece has improved since it was originally posted, and I'm really glad to see you making effective and good changes based on the advice that's given.

Even though you're too cool to be a Musketeer, us Musketeers are cool enough to review you work anyway. Expect your novel to be reviewed by the end of next week (I have an assignment due on Friday, and Light_Devil is in her last week of school for this semester ie, block exams).

Haha, not really... you're too cool for me!
I actually seriously appreciate you reviewing my novel. I didn't really think you'd be wiling to do it... it is a heck of a lot of work. If all of you Musketeers don't want to review it, that is totally fine. I would understand completely. I am very happy to see you being so committed to your reviews though, Seeminglymeaningless, I must say!

Hiya Skins

I'm not here to review the first chapter right now, but I will promise you that it will be done by tomorrow.

lol, there's no rush I'm happy to wait, and it is a huge chapter, really. I also made a mistake with it - I really should have started a new thread for it. But that was my own laziness/eagerness to see comments on it.

I no longer have any homework or assignments

Ha, I'm sitting here reply and reviewing instead of finishing an assignment due today, and another due tomorrow. Procrastination for the win!

I actually seriously appreciate you reviewing my novel. I didn't really think you'd be wiling to do it... it is a heck of a lot of work. If all of you Musketeers don't want to review it, that is totally fine. I would understand completely. I am very happy to see you being so committed to your reviews though, Seeminglymeaningless, I must say!

No worries. It was a challenge to review all of your work, but I tried to get through it straight away. The other Musketeers are being a tad slack keeping up with the reviews, mainly Dexterra (who was the one to come up with the idea with me initially, so that's disappointing) who really has no excuse to be so far behind. Light_Devil is doing really well, despite the fact she has a massive chemistry assignment due. My own committed-ness to reviewing is actually quite scary. I do believe the first request came on the 12th, and in the space of 4 days I have managed to review heaps of work. But yeah, I really do need to write my assignments now. Cutting a fine line.

Would like to see the review of Chapter One eventually But am willing to wait however long it takes.

Thank you

- Jai

Hey there, Jai!

I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really e.t.c sorry about getting to this so late. I feel like an idiot, but I forgot about it. x3 I feel especially bad because of all the reviews you gave me... I started school around the time I was reviewing this. I think school, homework, and a load of other things took over my mind and made me completely forget about what I'd been doing in the summer holidays... Enough of my excuses, at least I'm now here, I guess. I'll stop blabbering now and get onto the review!

As Bane's gaze fell back onto the child, his expression softened momentarily. It lay awake, not crying, dribbling onto its chest, but staring straight at the King, an aura of pure happiness emanating from it.

The child is a boy, so wouldn't he refer to him as he, not it?

Bane mentally shook his head to correct himself. His eyes. Not its.

And my question is answered.

The battle was scarcely mentioned in the country of Azuryl except in whispers; it was a tragic loss of lives and to speak of it was said to bring about the same bad luck to the family of whoever uttered a word about the ill decision of the King to attack his rival.

Th sentence was a bit long. I'd suggest that you maybe cut it down a bit or add a few commas and periods in here somewhere.

Andonis had smiled, trying to be bright and happy as before he had asked the question, but inside he had felt crushed. As a small child, he knew his mother was not of royal descent and he thought his father might not love him for that reason.

As the King judged a peasant wisely, Andonis glanced at his own chest to examine the miniature replica of the same necklace.

As he drew closer, he knew his suspicions were not just that. The man's eyes were going milky white, his skin a pallid yellow hanging off muscle-less bone, and his walk was but an old man's shamble when it used to be a proud stride.

In that calm, weathered gaze, Andonis gave way almost instantly.

King Harrison's Heir, Xavier

I love that name! xD

The King's slap was like a ten tonne war horse slamming into the side of the Prince's cheek. The force was so strong, Xavier was knocked from his seat and he fell, sprawled on the dirt.

Harrison chuckled at and raised an eyebrow at the dishevelled look his son had taken from his fall, "Go clean yourself up. I wouldn't want our soldiers thinking they can walk around like pigs."

I want to punch him.

It was and still is, to this day, theorised that using magic killed the life force that men impregnated women with, and women didn't bleed monthly after using their talent.

As Andonis all but collapsed into the tent's cloth entrance, he glanced nervously around at the small inside.

He even used to sleep in the barn sometimes.

Crawling out from his tent, muttering obscenities, he made his weary way to the campfire which was at the last of its life, dwindling out.

The stout man brought a hand up and mussed up the Prince's hair, "You're very much welcome, you wretch. Anyway, try and get some sleep. I'm leaving you in charge for the next village; I'm heading back for a while."

As he tossed around in bed trying to fight the urge to scream, the soothing voice at the back of his head began spoke, <Sleep>.

Xavier bowed so low, his hair skimmed the floor, "My lady. Eruo Viator said you had something interesting to say to me."

"Shhhh. You know he is not stronger or purer than you. You are chosen. You are the son of someone very powerful. Don't mock him by complaining about petty things. If you wait and listen to the instructions, all your pains shall become worth it."

The silhouette disappeared from the curtain, but a voice whispered to him, "You are to dote on the King. If you stand by him, you will learn your next move. Wait, and watch carefully. The game has begun. We don't want to make any false moves."

If he had listened, he would've heard the soft, smooth yet sharp laughter following him out of the room.

Is it weird that I kind of feel sorry for Xavier...? Maybe it's just because I like the name...

Slowly, the mousy boy began to calm and instead, he just pouted indefinitely.

Overall

Now that all of my nit-picks are out of the way, I'll start on the useful part! Compared to the prologue, I think you'll be happy to hear that I did actually prefer this chapter. It's clear that you have good writing skills and I think that you have an interesting imagination. The grammar in this was pretty great, really. I did find the odd missing comma, but except for that, there was certainly nothing worth mentioning. Any errors that I did spot, I corrected for you in the nit-picks. The same goes for your spelling. Throughout this, I didn't find any misspelled words. You also used a really varied vocabulary, so well done for that. Not many people seem to notice little things like that, but they should, to be honest. In my opinion, it's the small details that make a piece of writing great. You do that pretty well, if you ask me.

Now, onto the critiques! One of the main issues I found in this was that it was a tad bit confusing at times. I know I've encountered problems like this before with this, and I'm still seeing some of it in the first chapter. This time though, the reason I got a bit confused was because of the amount of characters and situations you had going on in this. There are around five main(ish) characters in this, so it's understandable why it's a bit on the confusing side. The reason I think this is a problem though isn't only because of the amount of characters, but the amount of situations going on right now. You've got Andonis with his father at the beginning. He then goes to battle. Then you have Xavier and King Harrison arguing, followed by Xavier visiting his mother. You also have a few things going on with Favian. You switch back and forth between the characters POV's (not literally because it's not in 1st person, but you know what I mean) every now and then. That's part of the reason things are a bit confusing, I think. Don't get me wrong, I'm not entirely baffled, but I had to read this over a few times to really grasp everything that was going on.

Another thing I'd like to bring up is that I feel that Andonis is... well, perfect, basically. Now, I don't like perfect characters. This is what I meant by saying some of your characters were Mary-Sueish in my previous review. I also got a bit of this impression with Favian as well, but it didn't really bother me as much. I agree with what Rachael said when she said it was as if you were trying to tell us how awesome and cool the Prince was. The main issue, I think, was because you mentioned him being great at archery, great at fighting, horse-riding, e.t.c quite often. We get the point, he's good at stuff. Don't ge tme wrong, having Andonis be good at those things is fine, as long as you balance them out with things he's not good at. Even if you balance the positive things about him out with negative personality traits or something because his personality is pretty much perfect, too. The only issue with it is that he cared abotu his father too much, if you could even call that a bad thing... Do you understand what I mean? I'm not going to hassle you about this now because this is only the first chapter. There's plenty of time for him to progress and for us to get t know him better.

Other than these slight hiccups, there isn't really anything else I want to mention. There were times that I noticed this feeling a bit info-dumpish, and admittedly, I skimmed threw the odd line. I understood that though because you did have things to explain and sometimes, you do have to explain things in a novel. Plus, it really wasn't that bad. It was just the odd paragraph here and there. All that you need to do now is to keep on taking your future reviews into account and editing this when you feel you need to, or can. This novel certainly does have the potential to be something great. You have great imagination, really good vocabulary, and the plot of this story so far is interesting. The plot potential is great, in my opinion.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

@Everyone:

I printed off a hard copy of Reprisal in its entirety, and my sister and I are currently editing it. I have gone through all the comments again and made notes about what everyone thought: the Mary-Sueness of Favian and Andonis, and the info dumps especially.

I'll be uploading the changed version soon, after we've figured out all the kinks.

-- -- -- --

Hiya Skins! Thanks for the awesome review I didn't mind waiting, it was definitely worth it. I corrected most of the grammar mistakes (some of the commas I didn't agree with - I think I should just break up a whole heap of sentences entirely, they are far too long) you picked up.

One of the main issues I found in this was that it was a tad bit confusing at times. I know I've encountered problems like this before with this, and I'm still seeing some of it in the first chapter. This time though, the reason I got a bit confused was because of the amount of characters and situations you had going on in this.

Yeah, I can see what you mean. I will try and add more information in about the characters when they are introduced, so there are not just seemingly random characters floating around.

Another thing I'd like to bring up is that I feel that Andonis is... well, perfect, basically. Now, I don't like perfect characters. This is what I meant by saying some of your characters were Mary-Sueish in my previous review. I also got a bit of this impression with Favian as well, but it didn't really bother me as much.

lol yeah. Andonis is a prince. He was given everything and anything, taught to be the best of the best. He's not a farmer who is fantastic at everything, he's the only heir to a kingdom, and as such he was raised to be better than everyone else. I don't see why this is so hard to grasp

With regards to Favian, I still don't see how he is a Mary Sue at all. He is physically weak, his peers hate him, his teachers don't like him knowing more than them. He has no friends. He is not a Mary Sue.

Don't ge tme wrong, having Andonis be good at those things is fine, as long as you balance them out with things he's not good at. Even if you balance the positive things about him out with negative personality traits or something because his personality is pretty much perfect, too.

Andonis kinda spirals into insanity when Gulford dies and he finds out that he isn't the blood heir to the Azuryl throne - via the initiation of the Artefact, The Stillway.

There were times that I noticed this feeling a bit info-dumpish, and admittedly, I skimmed threw the odd line. I understood that though because you did have things to explain and sometimes, you do have to explain things in a novel.

Yeah, I know. I'm going to have to figure out how to shave down the info dumps, but they are necessary. You'd be even more confused if I dumped you in a world where nothing was explained.

Thanks for the review, Skins! :3

- Jai

Hey there! Thanks so much for what you said in your request, and I hope that my review doesn't disappoint! Just a small side-note before we start. Since you've already gotten so many reviews I'll try to focus more on the overall than on nit-picks, though there still might be a few. But, anyways why don't we just get started.

Plot

This might be a bit long for a prologue, though it was very interesting. I don't quite understand yet how the story of the King of Spades etc. relates to the plot you've introduced in the second half, though that's most likely to come later on in the story. One suggestion I would make about this first part however is that you could make the actual description of the story longer, so it's not mostly dialogue from the people telling the story. You can show us more of what's happening in the story with it being almost all description instead of dialogue, and it seems like that way would make it flow a bit better. However, this is still only a suggestion.

One thing I also found was that the plot felt a bit like it stopped and started a few times because your sentences and paragraphs don't really flow together all that well. Maybe go over it a bit more, make sure that all the sentences in your paragraphs work with each other, and don't feel awkward.

Characters

In response to your question about what I thought of your characters, I did feel that they were a bit plain. I found that you haven't really developed them that well yet, though this does come with time.

There is one thing that does jump out at me about how you present your characters, and that is that you seem to add a bit too much description about how they (especially Adonis) react to certain things. One thing to remember is that you don't need to always add something before or after dialogue tags, otherwise your story/characters may come out as awkward. This could also be blamed a bit for what I pointed out earlier, about how your plot development seemed to stop and start. Watch out for repetition and awkwardness, and your plot/characters will come out looking much more interesting.

I also thought that the pictures were a good addition to the story, though it was almost as if you put them in as a replacement for written descriptions of your characters. Remember that your readers normally don't have pictures of the characters right there before them, and you need them to be able to form a picture of everything in your story for themselves. Adding more description of your characters could also help bring your characters to life better, and make them more unique.

Just one last thing that I should point out about your characters. In the second part, I found that it was a bit odd how the king reacted when with Harrison. If his son had been killed, and he was angry enough to go to war because of it, why did he seem so calm about it? It almost seemed like a casual conversation between him and Harrison. Shouldn't he be a bit more biting or angry sounding in what he says?

Nit-Picks/Grammar

As I pointed out earlier, there won't be many of these since I forced myself to focus much more on the overall. However, these are a few of the most important/obvious ones that I found. Try to go over it again and again so that you don't miss anything that might be awkward etc.

"Where there only footmen in this army? That's boring."

Were.

While it was true that any man would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by... the King of Spades, the hurried formation of the troops and the call to arms by all able men could end up a terrible mistake."

Awkward and a run-on.

Fuelled by the small advance, the General ordered the footmen, with once shouted command, to charge into the chaos.

??

The king hefted himself up and peered over the dirt mound in the general direction of where he expected the reply.

The word "reply" sounds somewhat awkward in this context. Maybe use a thesaurus to find a more suitable word.

Overall

I found that this was overall a good start, though it really didn't feel much like a prologue. You seemed to go into more detail about everything than is really necesarry for a prologue, so I would suggest possibly going through it again and taking out the least important events. Some could even be incorporated later on in your story, though you really should use your discretion about whether or not to do this. It's your story, and it's your choice, this is just a suggestion.

But I really liked it so far, and I found that you did a good job adding in description, though it still could be made stronger with a little work on the flow of your sentences. This really pulled me in, and left me wanting more! Good job, and I'll have to head on over to the first chapter ASAP!

I'm really sorry that this took me so long to do, and I hope that I can get your first chapter's review done and posted within the next couple of days. Feel free to contact me with any questions/concerns you may have about anything I said in here, and as I said at the start, I really hope that this helps! Bye bye for now!

~ Trish