Reprisal - Prologue + Chapter One

Hey Rachael - this was a fantastically speedy reply on your half; you're a critique daemon

RachaelElg wrote:Your bribe/threat was so intriguing I came right over and read.

lol, I was half afraid you'd take it seriously and report me for threatening you

Is this a short story, or part of a novel? I'm assuming the former, because you do have it in the short story section, but at the same time, it didn't really feel like a short story to me.

That's my fault. I never intended to reveal as much as I ended up doing. I was supposed to just post the battle, and that was it, but the other reviewers were having trouble liking/understanding the detached style. So I added the next part. So yeah. It is part of a novel. Nearly 20,000 words now; pretty good considering it's the first novel I've actually decided to sit down and write with my sister I can't move it to Fantasy Novels myself, and was hesitant to bother a moderator about it, especially as I was/still am not planning on adding any more to this to be displayed on this site, or any site.

If this is in fact part of a novel, I have two words: slow down. Wait, make that four words: Slow down, and show. Because battles are exciting stuff, and beginning a novel with them is exciting, and rivalries are exciting, and battles gone horribly wrong are exciting, and political upheaval and assassinations are exciting too. But you've packed it in there and vacuum-sealed it and what could (and should) span several chapters is tripping over itself and its own untapped potential.

*frowns* See, I thought it might be a bit too fast paced, as Skins suggested, but I don't want to dwell on the battle. The battle is only the beginning. I don't want it taking up 5 or 6 pages. But if it's too short, not descriptive enough, then yes, of course I'll change it.

1.The main thing you need to do is decide what your main point is or what the main idea is or what the core of this is--the "why you are writing this." No need to be deep or profound; something as simple as "There's this king whose son was murdered by a rival, and so the king goes to war, but the other king still gets the better of him, so, in the end, it just sucks to be that king."

Despite the fact that this is part of a novel, I really like your ideals here. Why am I writing this? And I like how you've summed up the story I've revealed so far, because yes, that's what happened *laughs*

2. With this main goal in mind, become your own ruthless and merciless editor, ask this line or that detail, "Are you helping this story accomplish what I want it to accomplish?" and if it quivers in its boots and begins begging for mercy, ax it.

I'm terrible with this. Did you notice any particular information dumps that were painful to read?

(Telling the story of the battle nearly from the battle's perspective, by the way, would be kinda awesome, but also a challenge for sure.)

That idea is awesome beyond words, but a bit higher than my talent bar

One's that you begin a lot of sentences with 'the'--and, really, nearly every sentence in the basic sentence structure, i.e. Subject Verb OtherStuff.

I noticed this the other day, actually. I will try and fix that.

The effect is sort of a very detached, reporter type feel of 'this happened, then this happened, then this person said that, then this person thought that.'

You say you don't mind this style, but I have to ask, did it bore you? Would you keep reading if you picked it up in a book store? If the respective answers are Yes and No, I have some serious revision I'll have to do.

You use a lot of 'to be' verbs, and some passive, and some perfect aspect, all of which slow the pace down--'to be' because they only acknowledge existence, not life or movement, and the others because they remove the doer and the immediacy, respectively. Again, my usual advice would be to find more lively verbs, put everything into the active voice, and use the perfect aspect sparingly--but here, it adds to the detached, reporterly feel; the people on the battlefield may be scrambling for their lives, but the narrator? He's in no rush.

I don't know if you looked at the first comment, but Ninja quoted my whole post as it was at the time, and I've totally revised the beginning from that original piece. I'm only telling you this because originally it was written deliberately in the abstract omnipresent style, but after the advice of all the reviewers, I changed it to the POV of Gulford and Bane and a bit of the narrator. It seems I failed pretty hard in squashing out that omnipresent reporter So you think I should give it a harsh rewriting, with each individual scene played out? More about how each unit of the army fights, etc etc?

Thank you for the review, Rachael. It was much appreciated

Gah, so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you on this! I need to remember to click 'subscribe.'

I'm actually kinda relieved that this is part of a novel. Now I actually have something less vague to give you.

The beginning, you say? Then I agree. You don't want it taking up a lot of pages. For far later in a book, having this span several chapter would be perfectly fine, but as it is, your reader has no attachment to the world or the characters or the events and several chapters worth of battle would just about kill them.

So I guess my short-story advice still stands. Make a list (mental's fine, but physical is helpful) of what you need to accomplish in this part, whether it be introducing characters or bits of plot info or whatever. Then, with your goals in mind, start snipping like the wind. Snip snip snip snip snip. From where depends on what you want to do, and the rest of the novel to come.

...looks like I'm back in Vagueland. Crud.

Onto your other questions and such for a bit.

--The style didn't bore me. In fact, I found it kinda intriguing. But you're gonna have to take the style with full confidence and blaze with it. It's different and you'll meet with resistance if it doesn't help you tell the story in a way that works. Whether I'd continue reading depends on if the style's working, and it does really work in several spots here.

--Ah, perspective. I feel your pain. I think you have two options. One is to stick to one character... another is to embrace the narrator more. If you're not going to use John or the King again, there's not much point in introducing the reader to either in such a manner. If either is a main character, then establish that in the reader's mind.

I guess it really all comes back to why you're writing this chapter, for both plot and other reasons. Battles are great places to drop readers into a story if you're mainly just looking for an awesome opening. If it's the details of the negotiations and the fact that Gulfold got tricked... you could cut everything up to where they join each other on the field. If it's more about introducing John, really follow him and what he does through the scene; same goes for the king. And if it's the battle itself you're interested in, strip down the names of countries and places many of the details, find your narrator some popcorn or candy, and let the irony of the relaxed narration clash with the battle.

...I'm writing this fairly late, so that was possibly incoherent. I hope it at least gives you some ideas, but I'll always be here to help if you want some more suggestions or more ideas or whatever.

Rach

Hello there, Jai! Rosie here to review!

Not to be repetitive, but I thought this story was too detached.
It's not that I find it boring; it's just that, in my opinion, to captivate your readers and seduce them into buying your novel, you have to make them sympathise with your characters immediately, in a few paragraphs. I really liked your opening paragraph, as it set the mood for the whole story --- maybe even novel --- very well, and your descriptions were very detailed and realistic too, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to pity King Gulford.

(Another thing I found odd was that King Harry called King Gulford by his first name instead of his last name. But this doesn't really matter, so.)

I thought you wrote the battle from a bit too reporterly point of view, like Bane and Gulford and the rest of men weren't fighting for their lives. It's like a football commentator saying, "Now Müller has got the ball, and he's running down midfield...And he scores." Nothing else happens. The commentator doesn't say how furious Maradona is, how he wrings his hands with fury. He doesn't say how Messi looks like he wants to kick the German footballers in the shins, and he doesn't even say how happy the German team is, how they celebrate their well deserved victory. (My football bias is showing...and it's like one in the morning here.)

But anyway, you get my point, right? Without really getting into the battle, the readers are like seeing this from a spectator's point of view, and not really understanding how brutal and violent the battle truly is. If you're lucky, the reader might be interested and continue reading; but that maybe wouldn't be the case.

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

You use a lot of 'to be' verbs, and some passive, and some perfect aspect, all of which slow the pace down--'to be' because they only acknowledge existence, not life or movement, and the others because they remove the doer and the immediacy, respectively. Again, my usual advice would be to find more lively verbs, put everything into the active voice, and use the perfect aspect sparingly--but here, it adds to the detached, reporterly feel; the people on the battlefield may be scrambling for their lives, but the narrator? He's in no rush.

I don't know if you looked at the first comment, but Ninja quoted my whole post as it was at the time, and I've totally revised the beginning from that original piece. I'm only telling you this because originally it was written deliberately in the abstract omnipresent style, but after the advice of all the reviewers, I changed it to the POV of Gulford and Bane and a bit of the narrator. It seems I failed pretty hard in squashing out that omnipresent reporter So you think I should give it a harsh rewriting, with each individual scene played out? More about how each unit of the army fights, etc etc?

I think you really need to rewrite, if you want to publish it. I assume Bane and Gulford are the main characters here in this story and your focus is on them, right? Then rewrite their parts --- show us how they fight. I heard that one can really understand a character or a person by watching how they fight. Are they hesitant, wary of killing people? Are they bloodthirsty, loving the cries of every slain man? Or are they cold and ruthless, single-handedly fighting tens of soldiers at once? How do they take advantage of their immediate surroundings and do they use it against their enemy?

This piece is written very well already, and you definitely deserve a gold star!

Keep writing!

~Rosie =]

EDIT: CHANGED THE STORY! YAY! Thanks to everyone who's helped me turn this extremely undeveloped beginning to what it is now.

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Rachael:

Gah, so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you on this!

Nuuuu, take your time, you've been amazing. You should have a reviewer badge

You don't want it taking up a lot of pages. As it is, your reader has no attachment to the world or the characters or the events and several chapters worth of battle would just about kill them.

I think I'm going to have to find some kind of balance. Just about everyone who's commented has said the battle is too quick.Too easily over and done with. I've toyed with the idea of totally changing it - making Harry the one going to battle against Gulford's castle, but... it just doesn't work It's too much. Too much of a change. If I changed it this way, why would Gulford eventually gain Harry's son? I just see no way in making it loop back on itself to so that Gulford ends up raising Harry's sacrificed son. *brain asplodes* See, I could totally take out the battle. Annihilate it. But how does Gulford end up with Harry's son?! It all comes back to Harry losing his son to Gulford. I can't think of a feasible way it can happen. Can you?

Make a list (mental's fine, but physical is helpful) of what you need to accomplish in this part, whether it be introducing characters or bits of plot info or whatever. Then, with your goals in mind, start snipping like the wind. Snip snip snip snip snip.

1) Battle between the two kingdoms
2) Introduction of the two kings and General Bane
3) Gulford gains Harry's son

Those are my objectives for the prologue. My question is, what parts of my story don't relate to those three things? The problem is, I think they do - is that a bad thing?

Whether I'd continue reading depends on if the style's working, and it does really work in several spots here.

*wails* You say you like it, others say they don't. I don't know who to believe

I think you have two options. One is to stick to one character... another is to embrace the narrator more. If you're not going to use John or the King again, there's not much point in introducing the reader to either in such a manner. If either is a main character, then establish that in the reader's mind.

Well, in fear of giving the plot away *awesome face*, Gulford dies pretty early in the story, but he's a king, so, you know, a main character until he dies. Of course the main main character is Harry's son, who is raised by Gulford, because Harry breaks the truce of the peace treaty and willingly sacrifices his youngest son.

Spoiler

Basically, if you can't remember, Gulford demands that Harry sends his youngest son as a fail safe in return of the peace treaty so Gulford's army can retreat. In the act of retreating, after Harry gives his youngest son to Gulford, Harry orders his forces to attack, breaking the treaty. Gulford and Bane escape with Harry's son, but don't kill him, which is what Harry believes they did. So yada yada yada, the point is, Harry ends up sacrificing his son to win the battle, and Gulford is generous enough to let the boy live.

So now you know

If it's the details of the negotiations and the fact that Gulfold got tricked... you could cut everything up to where they join each other on the field.

That's where I initially started the story, at the aftermath of the battle. And then I described the battle later on in one paragraph, and a person I got to read it said that it was too short a description and that it was a battle scene and it deserved GLORY! But hey! I have another idea. Could I recount the battle as something Gulford tells Harry's son in the future? With input from General Bane? That would account for the narrator perspective etc etc. . . Should I? *suddenly all eager*

Thank you for your response, Rachael - you just gave me the above idea, and I think I might roll with it

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Rosie:

I thought this story was too detached. It's not that I find it boring; it's just that, in my opinion, to captivate your readers and seduce them into buying your novel, you have to make them sympathise with your characters immediately, in a few paragraphs.

I see what you mean - no one wants to read a story about people they don't care about, right? I'm definitely going to have to change the style if people don't care about the characters.

I just can't bring myself to pity King Gulford.

I was kinda hoping people would be angry at Gulford for being a douche bag I mean, he led his army to war to avenge his murdered son, but he didn't bother to take the time to plan a proper siege. His mission was doomed from the start. One could say... it was if he wanted to die. And that's a very selfish image of a king, indeed.

Another thing I found odd was that King Harry called King Gulford by his first name instead of his last name.

Oh, they are old enemies. They know everything about each other. Their families have been warring since the people of Thrans started to record their history. As I write this, I realize I, as the writer, knows this, but where I have I put this information for you, the reader to read? No where. I'm a bad writer lol, I apologize for forgetting to put that in somewhere. That was really a bad slip for me.

I thought you wrote the battle from a bit too reporterly point of view, like Bane and Gulford and the rest of men weren't fighting for their lives. Without really getting into the battle, the readers are like seeing this from a spectator's point of view, and not really understanding how brutal and violent the battle truly is.

I know that now, and Rachael inspired an awesome idea. Gulford and Bane can recount the battle in speech - which of course would lessen the need to be so descriptive and explain the whole "reporterly/spectator" view! Aren't I amazing? No, but seriously - do you think that's a better idea? If the battle was told in dialogue?

I think you really need to rewrite, if you want to publish it.

Mmm. Definitely, considering how much feedback I've received about how it's just not right in so many ways. But I'm glad everyone's poked it. Otherwise how was I meant to know all this?

I assume Bane and Gulford are the main characters here in this story and your focus is on them, right? Then rewrite their parts --- show us how they fight.

Kinda main minor major characters And yes, I shall rewrite this tonight!

This piece is written very well already, and you definitely deserve a gold star!

Thanks And you're an awesome reviewer; very fast and in depth with your critique. I hope other people ask for reviews from you

*goes off to edit the story instead of taking the chance to fool around on the new multiplayer survival mode of minecraft.net*

Hi Jai! Rosie here again! You work really quick

This is much, much better! I don't have anything else to say, except this is truly awesomesauce. Mind if you post a few chapters here on YWS? I promise I will read every single one of them! xDD

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

I just can't bring myself to pity King Gulford.

I was kinda hoping people would be angry at Gulford for being a douche bag I mean, he led his army to war to avenge his murdered son, but he didn't bother to take the time to plan a proper siege. His mission was doomed from the start. One could say... it was if he wanted to die. And that's a very selfish image of a king, indeed.

Yeah...that's one of the reasons why I didn't pity him for the death of his son, haha.

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

I thought you wrote the battle from a bit too reporterly point of view, like Bane and Gulford and the rest of men weren't fighting for their lives. Without really getting into the battle, the readers are like seeing this from a spectator's point of view, and not really understanding how brutal and violent the battle truly is.

I know that now, and Rachael inspired an awesome idea. Gulford and Bane can recount the battle in speech - which of course would lessen the need to be so descriptive and explain the whole "reporterly/spectator" view! Aren't I amazing? No, but seriously - do you think that's a better idea? If the battle was told in dialogue?

Lemme tell you this: this is one of the best ideas that I have ever heard. It foreshadows a little bit, it accounts for the reporterly perspective, it is pure genius!

seeminglymeaningless wrote:

This piece is written very well already, and you definitely deserve a gold star!

Thanks And you're an awesome reviewer; very fast and in depth with your critique. I hope other people ask for reviews from you .

Thank you! I'll definitely read more of your works

Seriously, this is really good. You captured my attention immediately from the start, when Andonis (that cute little bloodthirsty teddy bear of a boy) asked for a story. And I loved how you subtly hinted that that the battle was real, and it was Gulford himself who led the attack.

Anyways, see you around and I really hope to read more of your works!

~Rosie =]

I preferred the first way, where your main characters were living through the battle as it unfolded. Narrating it to the little boy came across as kind of phony to me, and I felt more detached from the action and emotion of the battle rather than less. Also, six seemed a little young to be sharing that sort of story with to me. If your trying to engage your readers in the terrible battle taking place, I would say go back to your first version and just work on adding more thoughts and reactions to your two main characters as the events occur.

Either way, though, this project is night and day from what you started with. Grats on all the hard work!

EDIT: So, I have now extended the beginning to show you the whole Prologue
EDIT EDIT: Have added the map as well. Thank you to everyone who has helped Reprisal become what it is today

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Rosie:

This is much, much better! I don't have anything else to say, except this is truly awesomesauce.

Lol, thank you so much I was really looking for a way to tell the battle instead of showing it, and I hope I managed to achieve that with this story-telling style. And of course, immediately after the story has "ended", what actually happened at the end of the battle is revealed in the POV of Gulford and Bane and I think this is the kind of effect that *really* contrasts fantastically. But that might be just me talking up my own work

Mind if you post a few chapters here on YWS? I promise I will read every single one of them! xD

I don't know if I should :/ I'm absolutely fine with it, in fact, I would LOVE help with the onwards chapters, but my sister doesn't like the idea of posting more up. And anyway, wouldn't you get sick of reading my story? What I might do, in fact, what I will do, is post the rest of the prologue in the original post. People don't have to read it, but it'll be there. I should get this moved into the novel section too...

Lemme tell you this: this is one of the best ideas that I have ever heard. It foreshadows a little bit, it accounts for the reporterly perspective, it is pure genius!

I'm glad that works

Thank you! I'll definitely read more of your works Seriously, this is really good. You captured my attention immediately from the start, when Andonis (that cute little bloodthirsty teddy bear of a boy) asked for a story. And I loved how you subtly hinted that that the battle was real, and it was Gulford himself who led the attack.

Yay! I'm so happy it all makes sense. I'll have to go over it again and maybe add more of what is happening outside the story telling, to make it more realistic, though.

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Brassnbridle:

I preferred the first way, where your main characters were living through the battle as it unfolded. Narrating it to the little boy came across as kind of phony to me, and I felt more detached from the action and emotion of the battle rather than less.

But I understand your point of view. What exactly made it seem phoney? Was it lacking in description in some parts? Like, why did it seem phoney to you? Could it be bias due to the fact you had read it before it was converted to that certain style? And yay! Well, the last thing, where you feel detached, well, it doesn't really matter in this case - the story telling is allowed to be reporterly/emotionless. But I see where you're coming from. I'll try to inject some more emotion into the battle itself? Is that where you feel as if there is not enough emotion? Or is there not enough emotion outside the story telling?

Also, six seemed a little young to be sharing that sort of story with to me.

Ah yes, this is a problem I was debating with, myself. It might sound bad to an outsider, but my baby brother, who is five now, has openly been subjected to MA+ movies from an early age. Whatever my parents watched, he'd watch. He's seen all the Saw movies, and I haven't. What I'm trying to say is, different families raise their children different ways. You have to consider that this child is the son of a King in a continent full of non-stop war. There is hardly peace in the surrounding kingdoms. Andonis has grown up in war, has been a part of reassembling an army, and he's the king's son. He has to grow up hardened and durable. And sometimes parents get it wrong anyway

If your trying to engage your readers in the terrible battle taking place, I would say go back to your first version and just work on adding more thoughts and reactions to your two main characters as the events occur.

Was it really that non-engaging? I want to try and stick with the style I have now, as to me, my mind is saying this is the way the story should be. Is there a way to improve what I have now to make it better? Is there something lacking that I didn't touch up on?

Either way, though, this project is night and day from what you started with. Grats on all the hard work!

Thanks Brass You were there in the very beginning, when it was the bare bones of a report, and I'm glad you took the time to have a look over it again (in fact, multiple times). That really means a lot to me

Hmm... first, I think it's important not to confuse the length of the piece with how quick or slow it seems. Because this piece, to put it bluntly, was both too long and too rushed for what you want to accomplish. You want to shorten the physical length while allowing the reader to savor the scene. Not easy, but manageable.

I think, for narration, you might considered a shared narration sort of take, where you weave together a character's perspective with your own. Basically, you use some of the words the character might use, and you use the details the character would notice, but you could maintain part of your detached "Oh, there's a war happening? That's nice" narrator.

If those are your goals, then I think here are some things you could do:

1. As you came up with, weave that information in through backstory. Preferably, in bits and pieces because backstory and flashbacks and exposition are boring for readers; no one likes infodump. If you really want to get dramatic, you wait until Harry's son and Harry himself meet, and you let Harry explain, or Harry break the news--assuming that Harry's son doesn't know that he's Harry's son. Of course, that is a bit of a "Luke, I am your father" moment--but not if the reader already knows.

2. You could write the battle from Bane's perspective. Use the details he notices as he's standing or riding or whatever. Keep time gaps to a minimal (aka, no "two dozen heads later" moments) and start the scene maybe at the start of the battle or somewhere in the middle, depending on how long you can sustain the action and combat while dosing in bits and pieces of things to keep the reader interested--things about John, the world, the two kings, the conflict, etc. A word here and there is all you need.

3. Another thing you could do is to use John's perspective and go from the end of the battle, when he's rejoining the king (if he left the king's side to fight, or if he went to survey damage and came back, whatever) and slowly filter in details of the battle and what went wrong as the kings talk on the bloody battle field and the boy's handed over. And then you could end the prologue/chapter when Harry breaks the treaty.

The reason I suggest General Bane over Gulfold is that I personally found Bane more compelling. Plus, characters under heavy emotional burdens... they're great, but usually not as novel openers. They don't tell the reader what the reader needs to know at the beginning of a novel--which is, once again vaguely, just enough to keep him/her interested.

In the end... if Harry's son is the main character of the novel proper, and you follow him almost entirely, I think your new idea is a fine way to go about it, and I like it (despite what my earlier self might have implied a few paragraphs ago.) Just make sure that the conversation comes at a natural spot--no convenient Let's Reveal Important Information teas without justification. Plot devices = atrocious things.

And, the only way to know if your narrator idea works is to try it. Be consistent and confident with it, and keep the narrator separate from you, and don't abuse the narrator's unique position and try to build character by just telling us who these characters are. If you make the narrator a character himself, you can get away with that (think the story told with an occasional "I" in old-fashioned fairytale style), but making the narrator a character can be hard too.

Third person intimate limited is the hot thing right now, though, and thus I applaud you for wanting to try something different, whether your narrator is a character too or not. Narrate in a way that feels comfortable and natural to you, or whichever way you please. At least for first drafts.

Rach

P.S. While your narration style might not be trending, fantasy without prologues is on the rise, so maybe you're onto something.

I actually changed the story already, Rach I've even uploaded the map I drew of the continent. But I'll address all your points anyway

RachaelElg wrote:I think it's important not to confuse the length of the piece with how quick or slow it seems. Because this piece, to put it bluntly, was both too long and too rushed for what you want to accomplish. You want to shorten the physical length while allowing the reader to savor the scene. Not easy, but manageable.

Wow, that sounds like a huge challenge. I don't see how I can cut anything out of it, and make it linger at the same time. I'll work on the story telling of the battle - somehow make it shorter and yet more descriptive.

I think, for narration, you might considered a shared narration sort of take, where you weave together a character's perspective with your own. Basically, you use some of the words the character might use, and you use the details the character would notice, but you could maintain part of your detached "Oh, there's a war happening? That's nice" narrator.

I see what you mean. Yes, that's a good idea. I think I did that already though, with the whole "smell of spring" that Bane notices, and then straight after that I switch to the narrator style.

1. As you came up with, weave that information in through backstory. Preferably, in bits and pieces because backstory and flashbacks and exposition are boring for readers; no one likes infodump. If you really want to get dramatic, you wait until Harry's son and Harry himself meet, and you let Harry explain, or Harry break the news--assuming that Harry's son doesn't know that he's Harry's son. Of course, that is a bit of a "Luke, I am your father" moment--but not if the reader already knows.

Actually, the only two people who know that Harry's son survived (that Gulford didn't kill him), is Gulford and Bane. The boy is brought back to the castle, well, smuggled in, and is brought up as Gulford's bastard son; a boy he sired on a whore, or so the people of Azuryl think So yeah, Harry doesn't *know* his youngest son is still alive. Do you honestly think a king like Harry would let his son be raised by Gulford, his oldest enemy?

2. You could write the battle from Bane's perspective. Use the details he notices as he's standing or riding or whatever. Keep time gaps to a minimal (aka, no "two dozen heads later" moments) and start the scene maybe at the start of the battle or somewhere in the middle, depending on how long you can sustain the action and combat while dosing in bits and pieces of things to keep the reader interested--things about John, the world, the two kings, the conflict, etc. A word here and there is all you need.

The way I have it now, Bane and Gulford are sharing the role of storyteller to Harry's son, 3 years after the battle. The boy hasn't heard the story before. As soon as they finish recounting the beginning of the battle between the two kings' armies, ending with, "The battle was lost.", the story jumps back in time to the aftermath of the battle, which is the scene where Gulford begs for a peace treaty. I thought it really worked, but maybe there's still room for much improvement?

3. Another thing you could do is to use John's perspective and go from the end of the battle, when he's rejoining the king (if he left the king's side to fight, or if he went to survey damage and came back, whatever) and slowly filter in details of the battle and what went wrong as the kings talk on the bloody battle field and the boy's handed over. And then you could end the prologue/chapter when Harry breaks the treaty.

I also posted the end of the prologue up And I do end it when Harry breaks the treaty. The next chapter centres on the boy's life growing up in the castle, and then fast forwards to when he's age 16 or so. I haven't posted this chapter, of course

In the end... if Harry's son is the main character of the novel proper, and you follow him almost entirely, I think your new idea is a fine way to go about it, and I like it (despite what my earlier self might have implied a few paragraphs ago.) Just make sure that the conversation comes at a natural spot--no convenient Let's Reveal Important Information teas without justification. Plot devices = atrocious things.

lol, Harry's son isn't the only main character. If only I could just tell you everything about what I've written so far But no, Harry's son is *one* of the characters. There are eight main characters at the moment. Each one of them actually important and POVs written for all of them.

Thank you again for the advice! You really are talented in evaluation other people's stories I know you said you don't really post anything here, but if you do, please don't hesitate to PM me. I would love to return the favour

- Jai

Okay, so, here's your review as requested. Warning--I go very in depth and I can spend paragraphs dissecting a single sentence. Also, please forgive any oddness in spacing; I had to type this review in a word processor and its spacing is rather wonky.

I haven't read any of the other reviews, so ignore me if I'm repeating any of their points.

"Can you tell me a story, Uncle?" Andonis asked, wriggling under the covers of his bed, a cup of warm milk cooling on the bedside table, "Something bloody and full of monsters?" A soft wind blew in from the open window, and the satin curtains billowed as if alive.

I like that you are including details of the setting, but they seem a little...disorganized. Even misplaced. For instance, ask yourself what Andonis wriggling under his bed covers has to do with a cup of warm milk. Unless you're trying to imply that Andonis is tired because he drank his glass of warm milk, but that can't be because the milk is "cooling," implying that he hasn't drank it yet. As the sentence is written, it implies that there's something of a causal relationship between Andonis snuggling into bed and the cup of warm milk, but the relationship is not made clear enough--and I don't think you meant to imply such a relationship. It's just that you ended up stuffing too many details in one sentence.

This is all stuff to be expected from a rough draft, of course. But part of rewriting is polishing every sentence until the flow is perfectly natural and everything makes sense. As it is, I stumbled over that first sentence. It's a minor thing, but keep an eye out for even the most minor of awkward phrasings, because they can trip up the reader in subtle but powerful ways.

Also, the last detail seems rather tacked on. It's a nice image, but...I don't see what connection it has to the rest of the paragraph. In fact, it seems almost comical after Andonis starts talking about bloody monsters. A non sequitur, if you will. Maybe you were trying to emphasize the disconnect between the fantastical stories Andonis wants to hear, and the mundane setting, but the contrast needs to be a little more clear than that.

General John Bane looked at him, and then at his king, Gulford Raiet, "What do you think, sir?"

Ooh, here we have a case of "Bob and Aerith." It's your world so you build it (including names) however you want, but I will admit I am leery of seeing common names next to odd fantasy names (John versus Gulford? Really?) unless there's a good in-story reason for it. It could be a social class reason, since Gulford is a king and everything, but meh, I don't even like seeing regular Earth names in a fantasy story. It makes the story feel less fantastical. Then again, to each their own and you might have a good reason for the inconsistent naming; in that case, ignore my griping.

Odd that a subject would call his king "sir," though. Isn't it typically "your majesty" or "your excellency" or "sire" at the very least?

Gulford's eyes had a far away look to them and when he spoke, his voice was melodic, the voice of a story-teller, the voice of a king

Fair enough, but this does seem rather tell-y. What does a voice of a king sound like? Or for that matter, a storyteller? For some reason, I hear Carl Sagan's voice, which I don't think you were aiming on. Everyone will have different perceptions of this kind of thing, which is why it's not a good idea to use such similes. You could do well do describe what his voice actually sounds like--is it deep and rich, is it quiet and enrapturing?

A few hours until the sun was scheduled to grace this part of the continent with its kiss of light."

This is a nice image, but I find that the world "scheduled" ruins the fantastic/mystical element of it. When I hear the word "scheduled," I think of business meetings, not suns rising before great battlefields. It might seem like a minor thing to quibble about, but in a fantasy story, every word choice is important. Some words simply sound more mundane/scientific/corporate than others, and these are words that you will want to avoid when writing a flowery description of something fantastic/heroic/dramatic. It makes your world come across as more removed from our own. I find I can tolerate even the weirdest kind of worldbuilding (yes, even forests right next to deserts...) so long as the world is suitably removed from our everyday, mundane understanding.

Andonis smiled and sipped at his milk, already drawn into the story.

Ah, so he's drinking the milk right now. Which makes it odd that it'd have to be placed on the table in the first place; shouldn't he have been holding it all along? Putting it on the table implies that he's setting aside and won't be touching it again. If I was giving my kid warm milk to help him sleep, I'd give it straight to him rather than put it on a table.

Argh, this is incredibly nitpicky and I doubt it matters to most people, but a lot of readers (cough, me) are attentive to such little details, so it's best to maintain internal consistency even with unimportant things like a glass of milk.

his young face shinning with the excitement of the imagined battle,

Err, "shinning?" Think you mean "shining."

Gulford Raiet didn't reply

Since you've already introduced him by his full name, is it necessary to continue referring to him by that?

"An odd assortment of men, some barely of age, stood at the front of the army: the effective meat shield. Unskilled and untrained, they were simply the product of desperation, and their numbers of around one hundred and fifty would amount to a third of that due to their inexperience."

Err, this seems like a rather dark detail to include in a tale for kids (even one who asked for a tale of bloodshed). Especially a six year old. I have a 7 year old brother and while I'd never romanticize battle for him, there's no way I would want to traumatize him with the imagery of a "meat shield." I mean, I think this description might work (though fly over a 6 year old's head) without the "meat shield" bit. Kids have horrifically active imaginations. Can you imagine what sort of thing a kid would picture upon hearing that phrase, in conjunction with battlefield images? He'd have nightmares for weeks.

This time John interrupted, taking over the story, a scowl on his face

The "taking over the story" clause is unnecessary. It should be plain from the fact that he's interrupting that he's trying to take over the story.

Also, that's one hell of a run-on sentence he's saying there! Consider chopping it up, unless John is meant to be that kind of rambly story-teller we all know (the one who rather than ends a sentence just goes "and then, etc." XD)

"His son was murdered?" Six year old Andonis whispered, "Why?"

Good to know how old Andonis is, though the detail feels superfluous here. Might've wanted to introduce it earlier, around the same time that he was introduced.

The king, angry at Bane's interruption, pressed on, his voice slightly high in annoyance

Ah, seems like you sure like this kind of sentence that keeps going not by virtue of having much to say, but by being artifically extended by continually adding clauses. That's not a bad thing, per se; if anything it's a very natural way to write when you're first jotting your thoughts down. However, all those clunky interrupting clauses must vanish before the final draft. Are they really necessary? In fact, they seem rather tell-y. "Angry at Bane's interruption" can be shown by the king's voice growing slightly higher and his eyebrows drawing closer together, for instance. No need to state right out that he's angry and annoyed. I tend not to like describing characters' emotional states unless it's the main character. Describing a physical reaction shows a character's emotions much more emphatically than a "he was angry" could.

"The King of Hearts' trusted General, known far and wide as Quicksilver, for his lightning reflexes, rode his horse close to his king, not in front of him, presuming to lead, or behind him, presuming to be led, but next to him, as an equal."

Ah, so both the king and Bane are rambly storytellers! Although I notice this problem outside of their dialogue too, so it seems that you really do like your commas and run-ons. Not a bad thing, but just keep that in mind and when you see a particularly long, comma-studded sentence, ask if all those commas and clauses are really necessary.

I do like the subtle implication that Bane and the King are having a pissing contest through this story. Using it as a cover to argue with each other; it's something very adult, very petty, and very human. Well done.

Bane smiled and said, "The king was worried about his choices in battle, still laden with grief over the murder of his only son."

Something about this sentence strikes me as off. It seems like we've already been given this information, so Bane is just repeating himself/stating the obvious. Maybe remove the "grief at the murder" part because I think that's already self-evident, and stating it outright here is just hammering a point into the reader's heads. Trust us to make some connections ourselves! XD

Andonis yawned, "Where there only footmen in this army? That's boring."

Aww lol Andonis. Exactly a kid thing to so. Andonis doesn't notice or care about the layers beneath the adults' tale; he just wants the story to go on, and be exciting! XD

Although, suddenly I am beginning to wonder where his mother is. Not that I don't appreciate the guys being the bedtime storytellers for once!

"No," Gulford said sadly

Sadly? Why would he be sad? I don't undersatnd.

I like your description of the army formation and their tactics; it seems like you've put a lot of research behind this. I always like it when information that was obviously well-researched appears in a story; it has a kind of authority that made up crap doesn't.

General John Bane took a breath and continued where his king left off, his voice slightly hushed,

To be honest, I think your description of the adults as they tell the story are a bit overplayed. There's nothing wrong with just saying, "Bane said," and "the King said," with occasional qualifiers/descriptions when the two are reacting particularly strongly. More on show, don't tell--let the story speak for itself.

General Quicksilver wondered if he would survive this battle."

This comes across as a non sequitur. I know you're trying to connect to the overall mood (nervous recruits, nervous horses), but somehow it kind of falls flat and seems like a random statement out of nowhere. Either build up more for it or don't say it at all--let the reader infer that General Quicksilver is indeed nervous.

While it was true that any man would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by... the King of Spades,

Ha, nice little slip and an instance of showing instead of telling--through that pause you're showing that the King is basing his story on real events, only changing the names for his kid's sake.

I do have to question the choice of card suits as names for the kings; does this world have the same suits as ours? Well, if it can have people named "John Bane"...

John shook his head

When you have a character, it's best to refer to them in a consistent manner. You seem to have been calling him "Bane' or the "General" before, so slipping to John is a bit jarring.

I'll have to admit that at this point I'm confused about where exactly John and the King stand in relation to this story. For some reason, I kind of got the impression that John disapproved of the King's actions...but now it seems that their positions are reversed. Then again, I might not be reading carefully enough, or their positions are meant to be kind of mysterious at this point. In that case, ignore me.

And I love Andonis' interjections! So cute. XD

The king said, his face shadowed with an emotion akin to regret.

Rrgh, this kind of description bugs me. The emotion probably /is/ regret, so why not say it outright? Or better yet, just describe his face as "shadowed" and let the readers infer the "regret" part ourselves.

"The scouts had only managed to just reach the trees on either side of the valley when suddenly a hiss!"

I had to read this sentence twice to understand what happened. It seems like a verb's missing--"Suddenly there came a hiss," maybe? Though a little better stated than that.

"Or a traitor giving away their position." Gulford said in anger.

"In anger" is unnecessary; we can infer that he's angry based on what he's saying.

"An alarm tolled from the King of Spades' fort, and it wasn’t long before a seemingly harried counter army formed at the base of the castle, under makeshift log huts that mostly protected the men from the falling rubble and the piercing bolts of the King of Hearts' archers."

Agh, adverb abuse alert! It's very easy to give in to that temptation and heaven knows I'm an adverb abuser too, but every time you use an adverb, ask yourself it it's necessary. In most cases it isn't. The "seemingly" and "mostly" can both be cut without changing the meaning of the text at all.

fear prominent on their faces."

I find this description awkward. I don't like descriptions of facial expressions in action scenes in general, though. That's the last thing anybody should care about in the middle of a fight, yeah?

"General Quicksilver watched from his mounted position in front of the cavalry, knowing that the untrained men would die and feeling pity for them, but accepting their sacrifice as the prerequisite to any war.

The formal style of the story has been working well, but it feels stilted here. Maybe because the word "prerequisite" makes me think of college courses. And I don't think the "accepting" in the third clause is proper grammar; might want to just say "he accepted."

It was the way battles were always started, and it was beyond anyone's psychological ideals to change this when it was so widely accepted and acknowledged.

Another clunker of a sentence. Who would use the word "psychological" when talking to a six-year-old? And in a fantasy story too, where I doubt that the discipline of psychology even exists.

The last half of the sentence could just as well become "and it was something nobody could even consider changing." Says the same thing, in fewer words. It's always best to say the most with the least words possible.

What would a war be without willing sacrifice?" General John Bane eyed Andonis, who nodded at the lesson, but not understanding what Bane was trying to subtly tell him.

Neither do I! I am utterly confused at this point. You have done an excellent job portraying the two men as using a bedside story to argue, but their arugment is buried beneath so many layers that I have no idea what they're arguing about. I get the feeling that General Bane is trying to make the King feel less guilty about losing lots of people in the battle, but I'm not sure if that's exactly it.

The last half of the sentence is incredibly clunky and tell-y. Cut it.

Andonis wrinkled his nose, but made no protest about the bloody descriptiveness of the story, afraid his father and his uncle would stop talking

And why should he, he asked for blood! XD Though in all fairness, no blood has been mentioned yet.

The king's eyes shone, as if reliving the moment.

Again, unnecessary tell-y description. The fact that his eyes are shining implies that he's lost in memory/emotion.

The other half of the army, which consisted of the rest of the pikemen, knights that were in the second wave and hadn't been taken out by the trap and the archers milled about in utter confusion."

I get what you're trying to say, but this is a rather muddled sentence. There must be a way to restate in clearer terms.

I find it a bit hard to believe that the army could be completely incapacitated by a bunch of spikes, but then again I don't know much about battlefield tactics, so maybe if the spikes were strategically deployed it'd be enough to ruin morale...IDK.

The boy was shaking his head; he couldn't believe how quickly the battle had turned around. How quickly the King of Hearts' men were losing.

Someone call the department of redundancy department! Just kidding, but the second sentence is indeed pure redundancy. The first part already pretty much flat out states that the King of Hearts' men were losing ('cause, you know, the battle had turned). The only reason that you would even include the second sentence at all is if you think the readers have forgotten whose side we're supposed to be on, and c'mon, don't underestimate our intelligence like that.

It is easy in the early stages of writing to want to tell the reader everything; I find a lot of writers are more afraid of being not clear enough than being too clear. I know I'm the same way. Learning to state things subtly and in few words is very difficult, and the temptation to assume that "Readers are Morons" is an easy one (especially if you're posting your writing on the internet, where everyone has the attention span of a goldfish). But please don't. No need to hold our hands; we can figure things out ourselves.

"Realizing that he had been tricked, that this wasn’t a “sneak siege” to the enemy, the King of Hearts called a retreat, his war horn blazing loud and desperate amongst the sounds of battle.

You do have rather a problem with long, rambling sentences. Don't be afraid to be short and emphatic, especially during action scenes. A preponderance of commas and clauses in an action scene will confuse the reader, and the last thing you want is to do that!

"The King of Hearts realized that he had been tricked. He called a retreat, his war horn blazing loud and desperate." It's the exact same thing, but shorter and more emphatic (I don't like rewriting people's prose, though, and I'm sure even that can be improved on, but consider it a guideline).

King Raiet winced,

You've been pretty consistently calling him by either his full name or his first name, so for him to suddenly be referred to by his last name is jarring.

"And then it got worse,"

This seems rather colloquial, especially considering the formal style of the rest of the storytelling.

I found the last four paragraphs of the scene quite powerful. There were no overly rambling sentences or overplayed reactions or telling; it was simple and understated and gave purely what was necessary. And it made a chill run down my spine (few books can do that to me...the one time I especially remember is the ending to "One Hundred Years of Solitude." So yay for you, you're in the same category as Gabriel Garcia Marquez XD).

The no-nonsense way the King sums up the loss, and how it was his fault, is particularly stark compared to much of the rest of the story, and I think that makes it all the stronger. This is what the story's been leading up to and you finished it quite well. And Andonis' disbelief is just palpable even though his line is short and given little description. Which I think is the way that dialogue should be written--let the words stand for themselves, no need for so many qualifiers. You can definitely tell that he wasn't expecting the heroic side to lose. I'd say that the poor kid would be traumatized, but he seems pretty damn tough (since he pretty much demands stories about blood! XD) so I'm not too worried about him.

I do question the necessity of the story as introduction; at times the story sounded more like a summary than a story and it is a very, very slow opening to a fantasy novel. Most people will want to be hooked by the first paragraph. There is the character drama between the King and Bane, but it's not really explored and seems to go away after a while, when the men just get absorbed into telling the story. If this battle is meant to be important backstory, I wonder why Andonis doesn't already know about it. His father was defeated on the battlefield on an important occasion; that should be news to humiliate an entire nation, unless Andonis is kept incredibly sheltered.

Maybe the meaning for the story opening will become clearer after I read the rest, though. Right now, though, I'd say it's not that engaging a hook.

The descriptions in this scene are nice and give a clear image, but I find them to be a little long-winded and rambly. It's a structure that you seem to favor, but consider the benefits of being concise as well.

his voice echoing off the ridges and trenches, cutting through the eerie silence.

The second part is unnecessary; the fact that it's even echoing implies that there is an eerie silence already.

His army standard flickered in the wind, held up by the flag bearer; or rather, impaled in the boy’s stomach.

Nice image. I particularly like how the first clause misleads us into thinking that the standard's actually held up--only to go, wham! The flag bearer's dead and the flag's only standing because it's impaled in him. It's the equivalent of a film showing the flag flapping in the breeze, before panning down and showing us it's impaled in the guy's stomach.

His broadsword rested against his knee, rusty from the fighting, the poisonous slime that encrusted the blade was probably the cause of most of his later kills as it sunk into flesh.

This sentence is too long and I read it twice and I still don't understand it.

His army general lay on the ground beside him, outwardly hardened, but absolutely devastated by the loss of his men.

Too many adverbs again, and I'd advise avoiding the word "absolutely" at all costs.

Uh, Harry? Not a very threatening name for what I presume is this story's antagonist... And it goes hand in hand with the old Bob and Aerith deal. But they're your characters, so your names. It, however, is not a good sign that I had to stifle a giggle when I read that name.

The fact that Harry and Gulford have been rivals for fifty years makes me question why anyone would allow an elderly man to take to the battlefield. Unless you're trying to say that they're both around fifty years old and they've been rivals throughout their lives, but that's not entirely clear.

"You, the King of Bayznteen, willingly admits defeat, Gulford?”

Ah, here's a common grammar error that's a cinch to fix. Take out the appositive clause (the one between the commas) and read the sentence without it. "You willingly admits?" In this case, I think the conjugation you want is "admit."

Works every time, this trick.

They were surprisingly close enough to make out the minute details of each other's well known faces. Gulford's greying blonde hair, drenched in blood, weary green eyes; Harry's dark hair seemingly not a strand out of place, triumphant eyes so dark brown it was almost hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. But most important was the smug grin of satisfaction on King Addsett's clean face that rubbed King Raiet the wrong way.

Umm, seems like a rather inopportune time to dump a paragraph about their physical appearances. It distracts from the overall mood of this scene, which has been very atmospheric up until now. I won't argue that there aren't times when appearance infodumps are desirable (such as when a character is being introduced), but right now, two old rivals meeting in a battlefield, is not one of them. Slip in little details throughout their interactions if you want to describe them; such as describing Harry's dark eyes boring into Gulford's as they stare at each other.

And really, really try to stick to calling your characters by one name.

Harry laughed lightly, "You did what any man would do if his son was murdered. It was easy to predict that you'd attack Ypoc, and it only too a few days to prepare the battle field." He nodded in the direction of the trees, "Creating small clearings for my cavalry to hide in, and pathways only blocked by light foliage allowed them to easily burst out of the thicket and confound your troops." The king gestured to the rows of spikes and the impaled horses and men upon them, an unsavoury shish-kebab, "Your scouts didn't get the opportunity to reveal the trenches because of the traitors I had in your army, a man who served his purpose when he launched the first projectile at the castle walls."

Harry has committed the same error as countless James Bond villains. I guess he thinks that Gulford is so defeated that there's no chance he can strike back against him, but come on, revealing your secret battlefield tactics to the enemy is hardly the wisest of tactics.

King Raiet felt rage and despair coil in his stomach

Try to avoid saying "character felt X" as often as possible. It's unnecessary words and rather tell-y.


Interesting, I like the negotation scene. In a lot of stories, we have heroes who absolutely refuse to surrender even when there are situations in which it's logical and even honorable to do just that. (Yes, even in the face of Armageddon, cough) So it's refreshing that you're showing a hero who does just that, and not judging him for it.

Although, I wonder how Gulford's kingdom will handle this news. I mean, one battle does not a war make. (Look at the first battle of the American Civil War, which was an utter disaster for the Union--yet the Union kept fighting and eventually won the entire war) Even for kings, there's such a thing as public opinion and I don't think the people back home would be happy knowing that their king gave up half their lands because he lost a single battle.

It'd be easy to rectify this--just have this campaign be the last in a long series of battles. The King might've condesned it all into one battle to make a more dramatic tale for his son.


Eh...now I'm getting confused about these countries. I thought that Gulford was the king of Bazynteen? So why is he suddenly now the King of Azuryl? Am I missing something here?

and the six times as large in force of Cruciot

Eh? Seems like there was a grammar mix-up here, because I cannot make head or tails of this.

Gulford inclined his head slightly towards his old friend, "I get the same feeling, but there is nothing we can do if we want some survivors from this awful battle."

Aww, I like Gulford. He's pragmatic and smart and knows how to retreat with honor. And yeah, I really am sick of the "No retreat not even in the face of Armageddon" philosophy so many action/fantasy/anime heroes display.


Wow, I'm starting to like Harry too (name notwithstanding). He really is an evil bastard. Well played.


I like the description of the battlefield, too; it really gives a picture of the scale and devastation of what happened. Could do with a few fewer adverbs.

A minute tear, unknown, formed in his eye and trailed slowly down his cheek.

[/quote]

No, no, no! Don't fall into the "single tear" trap! Some people might actually do this, granted, but it's such a cliche image that it'd be best to avoid it as much as possible. For my part, I get unpleasant flashbacks to Eragon whenever I read an "a single tear" scene.

Wait...so is the kid that they took Andonis? You made a point of setting up the whole "trading for a child" scene, so I'm assuming that they took the kid and raised him as the King's son. Which makes me wonder why the two would even bother telling Andonis about the battle in the first place (in a "no celebrities harmed" version, true, but still). They don't seem to have any motivation for it--it's like Andonis asked for a story and the King and General were all, "Lol ok, why not tell about the battle where we were beaten by your daddy." Sorry if that's not what's really going on, but it sure looks like it to me.

The first part is definitely the weak point of the story. Both sections suffer from rambling sentences and some over-description, but the first part has no action at all and only limited drama in the form of the King and Bane's little pseudo argument through the story. And now that I think about it, the first scene had no POV either, whereas the second part was a tight third person POV on the King. The first part only seems to exist to set up some unnecessary backstory; I'd say that you could cut it entirely and use the second section (slightly fleshed out, to provide some background on the war) as a prologue. And then set up the relationship between the King, Bane, and Andonis in the first chapter.

No reader wants to slog through pages of no action and conflict only to stumble upon a scene that's intense and packed with action, drama, and pathos. Start the story where the story begins. Sounds like obvious, pointless advice (or else a zen koan), but this is essential for beginnings: only when you run out of backstory does the actual story begin. So far, the entire first scene is nothing more than backstory. The real action starts, paradoxically enough, in the scene that you intended to be a flashback. If anything, I think it will be a much more interesting beginning than the bedtime story scene--to be honest, if I picked up this book in a store and started reading about some meandering bedtime story, I would put it down. But I would keep reading, enthralled, if it began with a battle that had been lost and a duplicitious rival king and a chance for a main character to show some interesting, unique heroism.

I know this mega-long review sounds like I hated the story; I will admit that I was not fond of the first scene, but that was largely because the second scene was better in so many more ways. Even your prose improved in little ways; the first scene's descriptions were mostly clunky, the second's were haunting and atmospheric, though they could use some polishing (handy tip--read aloud your writing while revising! That's a surefire way to catch any awkwardness). But I liked the second scene and I liked the characterizations revealed in the second scene. To be honest the characters in the first scene were ciphers, not characters. There was the wise king and his advisors and the little prince. All archetypes with little depth. But in the second scene we get to see just how close John Bane is to the king, and we get to see the king's own pragmatically brave personality and really feel his disappointment at failing his people, and we get to revel in Harry's glorious evilness. They're characters, and I find them all fascinating and I want to read more about them. I want to know how they all get along, if the king resents Andonis for not really being his son, etcetera et al. That's another reason why I think the second scene should be the story's opening--we meet flesh-and-blood characters who do interesting things. The second scene is what compels me to want to read more (yeah, really, more! More, please? ). It's the story's HOOK.

Tl; dr: Cut out the first scene, flesh out the second.

So, anyway, PM me if you have any questions, and best of luck revising.

EDIT: Edited to fix quotefail.

Bickazer wrote:I go very in depth and I can spend paragraphs dissecting a single sentence.

Yes *laughs* you do Thank you so much for the review! It's what I needed, really, for someone to tear it apart looking for holes.

I like that you are including details of the setting, but they seem a little...disorganized. Even misplaced. For instance, ask yourself what Andonis wriggling under his bed covers has to do with a cup of warm milk. Unless you're trying to imply that Andonis is tired because he drank his glass of warm milk, but that can't be because the milk is "cooling," implying that he hasn't drank it yet.

A semi colon would fix that. But yeah, I was planning on elaborating more with the details of the room, which I may or may not do, considering your comment towards the end

Ooh, here we have a case of "Bob and Aerith." It's your world so you build it (including names) however you want, but I will admit I am leery of seeing common names next to odd fantasy names (John versus Gulford? Really?) unless there's a good in-story reason for it. It could be a social class reason, since Gulford is a king and everything, but meh, I don't even like seeing regular Earth names in a fantasy story. It makes the story feel less fantastical. Then again, to each their own and you might have a good reason for the inconsistent naming; in that case, ignore my griping.

I just like the name Gulford, to me it sounded kingly, but not too pretentious. With regards to John's name: when I first started writing this, it was going to be a medieval/knights of the round table kind of thing. Which is why I chose common names, like John, and later on, Harry. I'm thinking of changing the names of Harry (as I recently started to read a HP fanfiction, and all I can think of is Harry Potter when I think of King Harry, and yes, it does make me giggle. I find that I don't like to read a novel where every name is a fantastical creation of epic-ness. Plain John worked for me. It's a no nonsense name, suitable for a no nonsense general. And of course, his last name is Bane, so he's not as simple as I make out

Odd that a subject would call his king "sir," though. Isn't it typically "your majesty" or "your excellency" or "sire" at the very least?

The two share a very relaxed relationship. I was trying to portray that here. Also, normally titles like that are dropped when private, especially when they're with the king's young heir. But yes, I meant "sire" Typo on my behalf.

You could do well do describe what his voice actually sounds like--is it deep and rich, is it quiet and enrapturing?

That's a fantastic idea

This is a nice image, but I find that the world "scheduled" ruins the fantastic/mystical element of it. When I hear the word "scheduled," I think of business meetings, not suns rising before great battlefields.

Hmm, I do believe you're right. The description wouldn't be any worse with the word "scheduled" cut out.

Ah, so he's drinking the milk right now. Which makes it odd that it'd have to be placed on the table in the first place; shouldn't he have been holding it all along? Putting it on the table implies that he's setting aside and won't be touching it again. If I was giving my kid warm milk to help him sleep, I'd give it straight to him rather than put it on a table.

lol, that is incredibly nitpicky, as you said yourself. The milk was on the table, and then at some point, Andonis picked up the mug. I didn't think it'd be a problem if I left out non-consequential actions It's more of a problem if someone is in battle without a sword, and suddenly he had one, without the description of the warrior picking it up/withdrawing it form a scabbard. But in this case, I've mentioned the milk previously, and it's up to the reader to make the connection that logically Andonis simply picked up the milk from the table. I didn't think the reader needed to be held by the hand in this matter

his young face shinning with the excitement of the imagined battle,

Err, "shinning?" Think you mean "shining."

Damn homonyms I think you can forgive me for such a small slip At least it wasn't a confusion between "through" and "threw", or "pale" and "pail".

Since you've already introduced him by his full name, is it necessary to continue referring to him by that?

That sounds like something I told you But no, of course I don't. I chose it to remind the reader of his name. But if it's something that you stumbled on when reading, then I'll remove it

Err, this seems like a rather dark detail to include in a tale for kids (even one who asked for a tale of bloodshed). Especially a six year old. I mean, I think this description might work (though fly over a 6 year old's head) without the "meat shield" bit. He'd have nightmares for weeks.

Someone else had a problem with this, and this is what I told him: "It might sound bad to an outsider, but my baby brother, who is five now, has openly been subjected to MA+ movies from an early age. Whatever my parents watched, he'd watch. He's seen all the Saw movies, and I haven't. What I'm trying to say is, different families raise their children different ways. You have to consider that this child is the son of a King in a continent full of non-stop war. There is hardly peace in the surrounding kingdoms. Andonis has grown up in war, has been a part of reassembling an army, and he's the king's son. He has to grow up hardened and durable. And sometimes parents get it wrong anyway."

Good to know how old Andonis is, though the detail feels superfluous here. Might've wanted to introduce it earlier, around the same time that he was introduced.

Sure, that makes sense. Just didn't want to info dump right at the beginning.

"The King of Hearts' trusted General, known far and wide as Quicksilver, for his lightning reflexes, rode his horse close to his king, not in front of him, presuming to lead, or behind him, presuming to be led, but next to him, as an equal."

Ah, so both the king and Bane are rambly storytellers! Although I notice this problem outside of their dialogue too, so it seems that you really do like your commas and run-ons. Not a bad thing, but just keep that in mind and when you see a particularly long, comma-studded sentence, ask if all those commas and clauses are really necessary.

I wrote that particular sentence to sound how I wanted it to sound. He rode his horse close to his king /pause/ not in front of him /pause/ presuming to lead /pause/ or behind him /pause/ presuming to be led /pause/ but next to him /pause/ as an equal. It was meant for dramatic effect.

Bane smiled and said, "The king was worried about his choices in battle, still laden with grief over the murder of his only son."

Something about this sentence strikes me as off. It seems like we've already been given this information, so Bane is just repeating himself/stating the obvious.

lol, yeah, I think there was more information in there before I changed the whole thing to dialogue, so I just hadn't trimmed it down enough. Thanks for picking it up.

"No," Gulford said sadly

Sadly? Why would he be sad? I don't undersatnd.

Simply because the war was his fault. More people died than just the swordsmen, was what I was trying to get at.

To be honest, I think your description of the adults as they tell the story are a bit overplayed. There's nothing wrong with just saying, "Bane said," and "the King said," with occasional qualifiers/descriptions when the two are reacting particularly strongly. More on show, don't tell--let the story speak for itself.

I was a bit worried about that too. I know sometimes I provided too much of a description on how they were telling the story, and I'll try to tone that down.

General Quicksilver wondered if he would survive this battle."

I know you're trying to connect to the overall mood (nervous recruits, nervous horses), but somehow it kind of falls flat and seems like a random statement out of nowhere.

lol, General Bane says this about his character, Quicksilver. He's injecting his own emotion at the time into the story.

I do have to question the choice of card suits as names for the kings; does this world have the same suits as ours? Well, if it can have people named "John Bane"...

Is it really that hard to believe? Have you read the series His Dark Materials, by Phillip Pullman? Fair enough his world is set in an alternative reality to ours, but it's definitely fantasy... Okay, nevermind, that was a terrible parallel to draw Basically, it was probably a bad idea to have the names as suits of cards from our reality, but I was making a connection here; Spades trumps Hearts no matter what.

When you have a character, it's best to refer to them in a consistent manner. You seem to have been calling him "Bane' or the "General" before, so slipping to John is a bit jarring.

I find repetition of one name is very boring. Some people will call him John, others' General Bane, even Uncle in Andonis' regard. I have no problem with presenting speech spoken by the same person by all their names. It shouldn't upset the reader, especially as I do it all the time, and General John Bane is his name from the start. I expect the reader to remember that and not be tripped up.

I'll have to admit that at this point I'm confused about where exactly John and the King stand in relation to this story. For some reason, I kind of got the impression that John disapproved of the King's actions...but now it seems that their positions are reversed. Then again, I might not be reading carefully enough, or their positions are meant to be kind of mysterious at this point. In that case, ignore me.

No, you're right. Bane didn't like the idea of Gulford reciting that battle to Andonis. It's not a very nice tale to tell, and Andonis doesn't know that the battle concerns him. Remember, no one knows that Andonis is Harry's son but Gulford and Bane.

"An alarm tolled from the King of Spades' fort, and it wasn’t long before a seemingly harried counter army formed at the base of the castle, under makeshift log huts that mostly protected the men from the falling rubble and the piercing bolts of the King of Hearts' archers."

Agh, adverb abuse alert! It's very easy to give in to that temptation and heaven knows I'm an adverb abuser too, but every time you use an adverb, ask yourself it it's necessary. In most cases it isn't. The "seemingly" and "mostly" can both be cut without changing the meaning of the text at all.

To have fallen in a trap that I pick up on when I review others is highly embarrassing The "seemingly" can be cut, but I would like to keep the "mostly", as it serves a purpose; with the use of that one word, I don't have to write, "under makeshift log huts that protected the men from the falling rubble and the piercing bolts of the King of Hearts' archers but sometimes the huts didn't protect the men from the falling rubble and the piercing bolts of the archers." An over exaggeration, but I hope I've made my point

I don't like descriptions of facial expressions in action scenes in general, though. That's the last thing anybody should care about in the middle of a fight, yeah?

But Gulford and Bane aren't in the middle of a fight They're sitting in comfort at the foot of Andonis' bed, telling him a bed time story. In saying that the men of the battle showed fear, they are deepening the story. Because surely, if I didn't have the men fearful, a reviewer would have said, "Where is the emotion? Aren't the men scared? Or are they truly warriors and don't have any fears at all? Emotion emotion emotion!"

It was the way battles were always started, and it was beyond anyone's psychological ideals to change this when it was so widely accepted and acknowledged.

Another clunker of a sentence. Who would use the word "psychological" when talking to a six-year-old? And in a fantasy story too, where I doubt that the discipline of psychology even exists.The last half of the sentence could just as well become "and it was something nobody could even consider changing." Says the same thing, in fewer words. It's always best to say the most with the least words possible.

Yeah, another part of the story I didn't pick up on that is a bit too much of a mouthful. Will change.

What would a war be without willing sacrifice?" General John Bane eyed Andonis, who nodded at the lesson, but not understanding what Bane was trying to subtly tell him.

Neither do I! I am utterly confused at this point. You have done an excellent job portraying the two men as using a bedside story to argue, but their arugment is buried beneath so many layers that I have no idea what they're arguing about. I get the feeling that General Bane is trying to make the King feel less guilty about losing lots of people in the battle, but I'm not sure if that's exactly it.

Well, that's a nice way of thinking about it, but in fact, I was referring to the fact that Harry gave up his youngest son willingly to win a war. But Andonis was never given a choice. All these comments have given me an idea, however

I find it a bit hard to believe that the army could be completely incapacitated by a bunch of spikes, but then again I don't know much about battlefield tactics, so maybe if the spikes were strategically deployed it'd be enough to ruin morale.

They are not decimated by the spikes. lol, I feel like drawing up a tactical map to show you what I meant, and I might a bit later, but basically this is what I was after:

Before battle:

HaHaHaHa - army of Harry's men
x x x x x - hidden spikes
GaGaGaGaGaGaGaGa - Gulford's army, which is, at this point, 2x as much as Harry's

When the spikes were raised, after Gulford lost 150 of his meat shield:

HaHaHaHa
GaGaGa
X X X X X HaHa - men who raised the spikes, hidden in trenches
GaGaGa

When Harry's cavalry flanked Gulford's second forces:

HaHaHa
GaGa
X X X X X
HaHa
HHGaGaHH - HH = Harry's Horses
HH HH

When Gulford called retreat:

HaHaHa
X Ga X X Ga X
HH
HH Ha Ga Ha HH
HH

As you can see, when you're completely surrounded, and your forces are divided, your army is annihilated pretty fast.

The boy was shaking his head; he couldn't believe how quickly the battle had turned around. How quickly the King of Hearts' men were losing.

Someone call the department of redundancy department! Just kidding, but the second sentence is indeed pure redundancy.

Again, much sadness. I hate redundancy.

You do have rather a problem with long, rambling sentences. Don't be afraid to be short and emphatic, especially during action scenes. A preponderance of commas and clauses in an action scene will confuse the reader, and the last thing you want is to do that!

Yeah, I do a bit Will make an active effort to cull the length of sentences.

I found the last four paragraphs of the scene quite powerful. There were no overly rambling sentences or overplayed reactions or telling; it was simple and understated and gave purely what was necessary. And it made a chill run down my spine

Yay, some praise But seriously, thank you

I do question the necessity of the story as introduction; at times the story sounded more like a summary than a story and it is a very, very slow opening to a fantasy novel. Most people will want to be hooked by the first paragraph. There is the character drama between the King and Bane, but it's not really explored and seems to go away after a while, when the men just get absorbed into telling the story. If this battle is meant to be important backstory, I wonder why Andonis doesn't already know about it. His father was defeated on the battlefield on an important occasion; that should be news to humiliate an entire nation, unless Andonis is kept incredibly sheltered.

As I said earlier, no one knows Andonis is Harry's son, and he was only three when Gulford didn't kill him and kept him to replace his own murdered son (weird sentence, but bare with me). No one spoke of the lost battle, and even if they did, Andonis was too young to understand. By the time that he was six, people just didn't talk about it any more, because it was old news. Don't worry, Andonis isn't kept in the dark about the battle. He is taught history just like any other prince. He grows up hating King Harry, because he knows that Harry beat the man he thinks is his father. No one makes the connection that Andonis is Harry's son because Andonis "was taken from his mother, who was a whore that begot the king's bastard". Yes, Andonis grows up knowing he was a bastard.

The fact that Harry and Gulford have been rivals for fifty years makes me question why anyone would allow an elderly man to take to the battlefield. Unless you're trying to say that they're both around fifty years old and they've been rivals throughout their lives, but that's not entirely clear.

lols, looks like I forgot to change that. The two countries have been warring since before the people of Thrans kept records, is what I meant.

"You, the King of Bayznteen, willingly admits defeat, Gulford?”

Damnit, I changed the name from Bayznteen to Azuryl, but it looks like I missed one.

Harry has committed the same error as countless James Bond villains. I guess he thinks that Gulford is so defeated that there's no chance he can strike back against him, but come on, revealing your secret battlefield tactics to the enemy is hardly the wisest of tactics.

So? Harry is conceited.

Although, I wonder how Gulford's kingdom will handle this news. I mean, one battle does not a war make. (Look at the first battle of the American Civil War, which was an utter disaster for the Union--yet the Union kept fighting and eventually won the entire war) Even for kings, there's such a thing as public opinion and I don't think the people back home would be happy knowing that their king gave up half their lands because he lost a single battle.

Except no one survived but Gulford and Bane. So they covered it up.

and the six times as large in force of Cruciot

Eh? Seems like there was a grammar mix-up here, because I cannot make head or tails of this.

Another remnant of the old story. Need to seriously read over this and not get the two versions mixed together in my head.

A minute tear, unknown, formed in his eye and trailed slowly down his cheek.

No, no, no! Don't fall into the "single tear" trap! Some people might actually do this, granted, but it's such a cliche image that it'd be best to avoid it as much as possible. For my part, I get unpleasant flashbacks to Eragon whenever I read an "a single tear" scene.

wafflemao! Yay, you're not the only one who doesn't think it fits My sister wrote that bit She's into anime and manga.

Wait...so is the kid that they took Andonis? You made a point of setting up the whole "trading for a child" scene, so I'm assuming that they took the kid and raised him as the King's son. Which makes me wonder why the two would even bother telling Andonis about the battle in the first place. They don't seem to have any motivation for it--it's like Andonis asked for a story and the King and General were all, "Lol ok, why not tell about the battle where we were beaten by your daddy."

*laughs* I loved that last bit But yes. People do stupid things sometimes, and Gulford was feelin' a bit angsty lolz. No, but seriously. They are conditioning Andonis to hate his real father, in a subtle manner. As Andonis grows up, he'll remember that story, and he'll link it to the last battle the man he thinks is his father, Gulford, lived through.

The first part is definitely the weak point of the story. Both sections suffer from rambling sentences and some over-description, but the first part has no action at all and only limited drama in the form of the King and Bane's little pseudo argument through the story. And now that I think about it, the first scene had no POV either, whereas the second part was a tight third person POV on the King. The first part only seems to exist to set up some unnecessary backstory; I'd say that you could cut it entirely and use the second section (slightly fleshed out, to provide some background on the war) as a prologue. And then set up the relationship between the King, Bane, and Andonis in the first chapter. I know this mega-long review sounds like I hated the story; I will admit that I was not fond of the first scene, but that was largely because the second scene was better in so many more ways. I think the second scene should be the story's opening--we meet flesh-and-blood characters who do interesting things.

I think I've concluded the same thing. I'm not going to simply delete the whole beginning because you suggested it, seeing as the beginning evolved SO MUCH with the help of everyone else. What I am going to do, is move the beginning somewhere else. That way I can keep the recount of the battle and how Gulford lost so badly. You're right, it is back story, but I can't get rid of it. At least not until I've changed it somehow to fit and not bore the reader.

Start the story where the story begins. Sounds like obvious, pointless advice (or else a zen koan), but this is essential for beginnings: only when you run out of backstory does the actual story begin. So far, the entire first scene is nothing more than backstory. The real action starts, paradoxically enough, in the scene that you intended to be a flashback.

I don't know whether I should laugh or cry. The story *did* start there, originally. But I wrote up the back story of the battle, and perhaps unwisely, plopped in at the beginning.

The second scene is what compels me to want to read more (yeah, really, more! More, please? ). It's the story's HOOK.

lol I'm a bit wary about posting anything else I know I said I wanted my story ripped to shreds, but I didn't expect such thorough mutilation technique that left bits of the story unhealable Thank you so much for doing that though. I think I had got wrapped up in my own beliefs that the story was fine the way it was so much so that I didn't look at it from a non-involved reader.

So yeah, definitely will fix it up, move things around, and take your suggestions to heart. Your critique was definitely one of the most extravagant I've ever come across You deserve the Reviewer badge you have Thanks again.

- Jai

PS - I think I spent about an hour replying to you

Quick post: This is what the beginning was like before I changed it to dialogue. Should I change it back to this?

Spoiler

It was before dawn, when the grass was still misty with dew. A few hours until the sun was scheduled to grace this part of the continent with its kiss of light. The wind bit harshly at unprotected skin, leaving the men drenched in a cold sweat. The gathered army made hardly a sound, bar the odd whinny of a horse, or the clink of chainmail. Huge wooden mechanisms rolled awkwardly across the terrain, their wheels well oiled to avoid breaking the silence, but their joints creaking under its own weight nonetheless. The siege weapons had giant slings that could haul a heavy boulder or body at a wall and crack the masonry or, if aimed lower, scatter troops. There had been no time to construct catapults that were easier to control and aim; this battle was all about the power of surprise.

An odd assortment of men, some barely of age, stood at the front of the army: the effective meat shield. Unskilled and untrained, they were simply the product of desperation, and their numbers of around one hundred and fifty would amount to a third of that due to their inexperience. King Gulford Raiet frowned and asked himself again if this battle, conceived in his mind as the body of his only son cooled in death, was a good idea. His trusted General, John Bane, rode his horse close to his king, not in front of him, presuming to lead, or behind him, presuming to be led, but next to him, as an equal.

"I - John -" The king finally choked out, his voice laden with grief.

Bane looked at him, his eyes hardened, "We have come too far, your majesty, to turn back now. Turning back now will cast doubt amongst the minds of your people about your decisions." He moved his brown mare closer, "The last thing we need is a revolt."

"I understand more about those political matters than you, John." Gulford said, "And Cruciot declared open war on Azuryl when they became responsible for the murder of my son."

The General said nothing, knowing the anguish his king felt at his heir's unexpected death, and instead inspected the army he had trained to its full potential. Over a hundred footmen, well seasoned and most of them expert with the ways of the sword, walked in formation behind Azuryl’s “fit and able” men. Bane had not wanted the army reserve to attend this battle, but he had no choice. Half as many archers marched behind them; a good ranged offence unit, and a last line of defence if enemy broke through the waves of footmen. The same amount of pikemen, burdened by their loads of spare pikes should they break, brought up the rear of the grounded army until they had reached their destination, in which case they would spread out and surround the army to take down any mounted units that came their way.

Two hundred of the finest horsemen of Thrans flanked the walking army. The horses were jittery, nervous of the hushed atmosphere. Their eyes rolled in panic, but they were well-trained not to rear. John Bane shook his head, wreathed with a halo of orange hair, and wondered if he would survive this battle. The King had ordered the attack without the prior planning necessary for such an assault on a well guarded castle, especially so soon after the plague had swept through the kingdom, taking the lives of so many already. While it was true that any man would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by King Harry, the hurried formation of the troops and the call to arms by all able men could end up a terrible mistake.

The war council had not been happy at the sudden battle plans. They had rightfully claimed that there weren't enough men to fight a war now, especially to participate in a siege. The foremen of the cavalry had scoffed and in a brilliant display of courage, or some might say, stupidity, had declared that his horsemen would follow King Gulford's orders to the ends of the known earth if need be. Gulford and his general plotted and planned and it soon became obvious that the easiest target to hit would be Ypoc territory to the west; a country only recently conquered by King Harry's greed. It had already proved prone to revolts and the country was still going through reformations; it was in a state of idealistic turmoil and confusion. General Bane argued in favour of attacking the country, telling the war council that the enemy king's forces would likely be elsewhere; spies reported that the sovereignty of Kertenc were hatching plans of their own to lay siege on the capital of Cruciot itself. If Gulford's council had heard wind of these plans, then no doubt Harry had too, and had concentrated his forces to defend his own castle on his own lands. It didn't take long for the king to make the other foremen bend to his will, and less than a week later, they were here, on enemy soil.

The valley sloped gently downwards towards the castle in the distance. Trees grew thickly on the slopes, but were prevented from growing near the castle where wide meadows dominated, patched here and there by fields of wheat, just sprouting. General Bane could smell spring in the air and tried to cast the thought of him never living to another spring from his mind.

There were no signs of life this early in the morning. Not even the farmers were stirring. The foreman of the archers nodded, and two scouts emerged from the army to scan the battlefield and bring back any useful knowledge. If possible, they were to take out any potential castle watchmen with the long bows strapped to their backs. The scouts knew they would be lucky if they came back alive.

The scouts had only managed to just reach the trees on either side of the valley when suddenly a hiss and a loud whack of the first projectile hitting the castle walls triggered consecutive volleys of boulders being hurled. It was clearly a malfunction of the siege machines, or a traitor giving away their position, but the army had been too well trained not to respond to the first sign of battle. Caution was thrown to the wind.

The war had begun.

An alarm tolled from the Ypoc fort, and it wasn’t long before a seemingly harried counter army formed at the base of the castle, under makeshift log huts that mostly protected the men from the falling rubble and the piercing bolts of the Azuryl archers.

The attacking king roared, ordering the assault and the meat shield ran forward, their weapons awkwardly hanging in their hands, fear prominent on their faces. The General watched from his mounted position in front of the cavalry, knowing that the untrained men would die and feeling pity for them, but accepting their sacrifice as the prerequisite to any war. It was the way battles were always started, and it was beyond anyone's psychological ideals to change this when it was so widely accepted and acknowledged. What would a war be without willing sacrifice?

The first row of the conscripted men was shot down from the archers in the towers of the castle; some were set on fire by burning pitch, and the stench of burning flesh filled the air. The second wave reached the enemy army and engaged. Fuelled by the small advance, the general ordered the footmen to charge, followed by the cavalry, the pikemen on either side. The swordsmen charged into battle, swinging their blades in a deadly dance of death. The horsemen galloped in almost heedlessly, sensing victory.

The spikes in the covered trenches came up, and the entire wave of cavalry fell with screaming horses and stunned men. The Azuryl became effectively divided; the swordsmen, what remained of the meat shield and some pikemen faced the enemy army alone. Most of the cavalry had lost their horses to the spikes. The other half of the army, which consisted of the rest of the pikemen, knights that were in the second wave and hadn't been taken out by the trap and the archers milled about in confusion. Realizing that he had been tricked, that this wasn’t a “sneak siege” to the enemy, the King called a retreat, his war horn blazing loud and desperate amongst the sounds of battle. The footmen fended off stunning blows, and attempted to make its way back to their king through the small force of men who had risen the spikes. But it was clear that the attacking army was losing men quicker by trying to flee.

A trumpet sounded from the castle, and two halves of the enemy’s cavalry descended from the forest of trees, effectively bottle-necking what remained of the Azuryl’s divided army. The enemy cavalry flanked, the archers tried to defend their king, and the pikemen took down most of the horses. King Harry fought amongst his men, laughing with glee, and King Gulford's heart sank as he realized how much of a mistake he had made, under-estimating the enemy; acting out of passion and from the heart instead of thinking for the head. The battle was his fault, and he threw himself into the battle with vigour and rage and self-derision. Blood splattered, appendages flew, curses were slung and many men fought like heroes. But any hope of escape dwindled to nothing.

The battle had been lost.

Hey Keyboard's finally working so here I am

From the looks of things you've had quite a lot of in depth feedback on this which I haven't read through so sorry if I repeat stuff other people have said.

Gulford's eyes had a far away look to them and when he spoke, his voice was melodic, the voice of a story-teller, the voice of a king, "It was before dawn, when the grass was misty with dew. A few hours until the sun was scheduled to grace this part of the continent with its kiss of light."

Tiny thing, but I would put a full stop here, probably.

their wheels well oiled to avoid breaking the silence, but their joints creaking under its own weight nonetheless.

Again, just a small nitpick, but you say "their wheels" and then switch to saying "its own weight". This would read better if you used the same word throughout, I think.

Unskilled and untrained, they were simply the product of desperation, and their numbers of around one hundred and fifty would amount to a third of that due to their inexperience."

This is quite confusing. Are you saying that the army is only a third as effective as an army of that size should be because they're so inexperienced? You might want to phrase that differently.

Where

- were

The king of Bayznteen hardened his face at the man's words,

A full stop at the end of this sentence would be better, because it's not directly leading onto what he's saying in the same way "he said," is.

Quicksilver could smell spring in the air and tried to cast the thought of him never living to another spring from his mind."

Who never living? You don't really make this clear.

Andonis wrinkled his nose, but made no protest about the bloody descriptiveness of the story, afraid his father and his uncle would stop talking,

It seems a bit out of place with the way Adonis has been acting so far that he's wrinkling his nose at the bloody details when he's the one who asked for a bloody story in the first place.

General Bane whispered

I can see that you're going for a change in tone here, once they get to the part where things start going wrong for the army but it seems unrealistic for him to whisper an entire paragraph. I could see him whispering one sentence but for a largish chunk of the story just a drop in tone might work better. Also, at this point:

Bane said, his eyes widening theatrically,

Bane is acting as if it's just a story and the misfortune of the army doesn't personally affect him, which seems to contradict the way he was acting earlier.

and the once peaceful meadow was not the way it had been, only days earlier, now ravaged and desolate.

The phrasing here is a little awkward. The last clause seems tacked on the end - it might read better if you fitted it in somewhere else, or changed it to something along the lines of "and the meadow, peaceful only days earlier, was now ravaged and desolate".

The cobblestone castle, only metres away, stood hauntingly

Can a castle stand hauntingly? Well I suppose it could but that description seems more fitting for an abandoned, ruined castle, not an occupied one. I would more imagine one to stand squatly (If that's a word. Spellcheck doesn't think so) or menacingly, but then again that's just me.

King Harry didn't even look at his son as the man got off his horse and nervously handed the child over to General Bane, expecting to be attacked at the last second.

You might want to change this round because from the way you've phrased it it sounds like it's King Harry that's expecting to be attacked at any moment.

The remaining troops of Azuryl and the six times as large in force of Cruciot

That second part comes across as quite clumsy. It might sound better if you said "the six times as large in size force" or just "the far larger force" or something like that, but as it is it doesn't really make sense.

He wiped at the blood that dripped into his eye

Wait, why is there blood dripping into his eye? Is it from his forehead? Isn't the battle over? This is what confuses me somewhat about the second section. From the description at the beginning it seems as if it's taking place several days after the battle described earlier, but why would the King come back with all his army? On the other hand, if this is taking place directly after the battle why is most of the army still alive? And why are they discussing the battle as if it's just happened? Or is he trying to negotiate an end to the entire war? In which case, wouldn't he send an envoy first or something instead of bringing an army? You might want to make it clearer what exactly is happening here, and when.

in less than a whisper

It seems a little unrealistic that the King would be able to hear what Harry was saying if he was speaking so quietly, seeing as there's a battle going on all around them, although he could read his lips I suppose.

Basically, I would rearrange some of the phrasing and try and keep it consistent throughout.

Overall I much prefer this version to the original and it makes a much better book opening. There are still some bits I'm not sure about though.

I like the idea of the story being told to the child, and it does give the reader characters to connect to and draws you in more. I like the way the King is trying to avoid letting his son know that it was him who was in the battle as well, although it did take me a while to get what John was doing with the 'King of Hearts', so you might want to make this a bit clearer. I do think that if it's a story that's being told, instead of a story that's been written down, the style of telling would change a bit. As for whether you should keep it with dialogue or just have it as the battle scene on its own, I like the bedtime story idea. It gives you characters to connect to and hints at the dynamic between the King and John, which adds a lot of interesting detail.

The pacing of the battle feels much better in this one; it's no longer over really suddenly. It does feel like there's a lot crammed into though. You've got the King telling his son a bedtime story, you've got the story of the battle happening and the aftermath, plus there's a lot of history and reasons for the battle as well. Paragraphs like this one:

The king of Bayznteen hardened his face at the man's words, "The King of Hearts had ordered the attack without the prior planning necessary for such an assault on a well guarded castle, especially so soon after the plague had swept through the kingdom, taking the lives of so many. While it was true that any man would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by... the King of Spades, the hurried formation of the troops and the call to arms by all able men could end up a terrible mistake."

feel like you're giving loads of info at once. For example, there's this whole history about the death of the King's son which is casually alluded to here and then not really mentioned again.

Apart from the confusion over what's happening that I mentioned above, I like this version of the second section a lot. The part with Harry allowing his son to be killed sets him up as the villain really well. It seems like you left the first part kind of unfinished in some ways though. It's a novel I suppose so more follows, but it might be good if you finished the chapter with the King tucking his son into bed or something, because the way it stops at the moment that part of the story's just left dangling with no sense of a conclusion - I don't mean an ending, but just a chapter ending.

By the way I'm going to Germany the day after tomorrow so I won't be able to respond for a couple of weeks, but anyway, I hope this was helpful and didn't end up too nitpicky or vague (oh dear, it's really nitpicky isn't it? Sorry about that. I actually really like this though, honest ).

Hey, thanks for the review (again), Kiwi!

Kiwisatsuma wrote:From the looks of things you've had quite a lot of in depth feedback on this.

lol yes. Extensive feedback. All of it good and constructive, and your opinion did help too.

their wheels well oiled to avoid breaking the silence, but their joints creaking under its own weight nonetheless.

Again, just a small nitpick, but you say "their wheels" and then switch to saying "its own weight". This would read better if you used the same word throughout, I think.

Yup, it always sounded wrong to me, but I couldn't figure out why

General Bane whispered

I can see that you're going for a change in tone here, once they get to the part where things start going wrong for the army but it seems unrealistic for him to whisper an entire paragraph. I could see him whispering one sentence but for a largish chunk of the story just a drop in tone might work better.

That does seem a bit silly. Have edited it out.

The cobblestone castle, only metres away, stood hauntingly

Can a castle stand hauntingly?

You're right, and I decided "mockingly" fit rather neatly.

King Harry didn't even look at his son as the man got off his horse and nervously handed the child over to General Bane, expecting to be attacked at the last second.

You might want to change this round because from the way you've phrased it it sounds like it's King Harry that's expecting to be attacked at any moment.

*blinks* Wow, I never noticed how stupid that sentence was Hope it makes more sense now.

He wiped at the blood that dripped into his eye

Wait, why is there blood dripping into his eye? Is it from his forehead? Isn't the battle over? This is what confuses me somewhat about the second section. From the description at the beginning it seems as if it's taking place several days after the battle described earlier, but why would the King come back with all his army? On the other hand, if this is taking place directly after the battle why is most of the army still alive? And why are they discussing the battle as if it's just happened? Or is he trying to negotiate an end to the entire war? In which case, wouldn't he send an envoy first or something instead of bringing an army? You might want to make it clearer what exactly is happening here, and when.

Hmm, if it's that confusing, I must be doing something really wrong. But I do think you're right - the battle *does* sound like it has happened over a period of a few days, because originally, the battle *did* occur over a few days, and the original story seems to have lingered *everywhere* within this revised version.

The battle is over, but when Gulford tries to secure a peace treaty with Harry, Harry goes back on his word and slaughters Gulford's remaining men.

lol, most of the army isn't alive. Only around sixty of the 500+

An envoy? They never got the chance to retreat

I like the idea of the story being told to the child, and it does give the reader characters to connect to and draws you in more. I like the way the King is trying to avoid letting his son know that it was him who was in the battle as well, although it did take me a while to get what John was doing with the 'King of Hearts', so you might want to make this a bit clearer.

Yup, sure. I'll definitely try to make the connection between Gulford and the King of Hearts more clear.

As for whether you should keep it with dialogue or just have it as the battle scene on its own, I like the bedtime story idea. It gives you characters to connect to and hints at the dynamic between the King and John, which adds a lot of interesting detail.

Good, I'm glad you like it. What I've done now is kept half of the storytelling, and the second half is the battle as seen by an omnipresent person. ie, both sides are now there, the storytelling AND the battle scene on its own. So hopefully that'll please some people It certainly made me feel better that I could come to a compromise between the two mediums.

The pacing of the battle feels much better in this one; it's no longer over really suddenly. It does feel like there's a lot crammed into though.

I've made an effort in trying to space out the second half of the battle that is told by the narrator, so hopefully it's not as jam-packed as it was before

There's this whole history about the death of the King's son which is casually alluded to here and then not really mentioned again.

It's not mentioned again because it's mentioned later, but that's definitely something I should add into the actual storytelling. It's 2am in the morning here, so this isn't going to be my best writing:

---

"His son was murdered?" Andonis whispered.

"Assassinated in the apple orchards." General John Bane said softly, "The girl he was with was allowed to live, given the task of telling the King of Hearts that his son was killed by a mercenary hired by the King of Spades."

---

Or something like that. lol.

Thanks again for the fantastic review, Kiwi I'm going to catch some Z's before my eyelids glue in place, and then make more changes to Reprisal in the morning. And I might even be brave enough to post chapter two

- Jai

Hello, Seemingly! Okay, this is gonna be an uber-long review, but I don't mind. This was really good. First, I'll give you my nitpicks and comments in red. If I see a sentence or something that I feel would sound better if worded differently, I'll type my suggested sentence next to it in blue.

Here we go!

Spoiler

Prologue

“... for if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself for battle?” --- Unknown Author

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Can you tell me a story, Uncle?" Andonis asked, wriggling under the thick covers of his bed until only his eyes peered up over the duvet. A cup of warm milk cooled on the bedside table, a safe distance from the clumsy motor skills of a lively six year old boy, "Something bloody and full of monsters?"

A wind blew in from the open window, and the satin curtains billowed as if alive. A globe of fire illuminated the room with soft glow, casting rounded shadows of the furniture and the men standing at the boy's bed. General John Bane, short and heavy-set with a halo of orange hair looked at him, and then at the boy's father, Gulford Raiet, "What do you think, sire?"

Gulford's eyes had a faraway look to them, and when he spoke, his voice was melodic, the voice of a story-teller; it was deep and reverberated around the room, it held authority and it demanded attention. It was the voice of a king.
"It was before dawn, when the grass was misty with dew. A few hours until the sun graced this part of the continent with its kiss of light."

Andonis smiled and sipped at his milk, already drawn into the story.

"The wind bit harshly at unprotected skin, leaving the men drenched in a cold sweat. The gathered army made hardly a sound, bar save the odd whinny of a horse, or the clink of chainmail."

The king's general gave Gulford a sharp glance and frowned, but he dared not speak. Instead he courteously retrieved a set of chairs for the two of them to sit on, as John Bane knew this story well, and knew it was a long one. Raiet's descriptions were so full and complete that Bane felt as if were there, within the story.

"Huge wooden mechanisms rolled awkwardly across the terrain, their wheels well oiled to avoid breaking the silence, but their joints creaking under their own weight nonetheless. The siege weapons had giant slings that could haul a heavy boulder or body at a wall and crack the masonry or," here he looked at his son, as if wanting whatever was said after to be something he remembered, "if aimed lower, scatter troops. There had been no time to construct catapults that were easier to control and aim; this battle was all about the power of surprise."

"I hope they win." Andonis interrupted, his young face shining with the excitement of the imagined battle, "They win, don't they, father?"

Gulford Raiet didn't reply, but continued his story, "An odd assortment of men, some barely of age, stood at the front of the army. These men were useless, they were the effective meat shield. Unskilled and untrained, simply the product of desperation, their numbers of around one hundred and fifty would amount to a third of that due to their inexperience."

"They would die for nothing?" Gulford inclined his head at the boy's question, "Didn't their king feel bad for sending them to die?"

The king opened his mouth, but before he could speak John interrupted, a scowl on his face, "The King of Hearts, for he was a kind king, had a special motive for this battle, Andonis. It was conceived in his mind as the body of his only son cooled in death, recently murdered - "

"His son was murdered?" The prince whispered, "Why?"

The king, voice slightly strained, avoided the question and pressed on, "The King of Hearts' had a trusted General, known far and wide as Quicksilver, for his lightning reflexes. His General always rode his horse close to his king, not in front of him, presuming to lead, or behind him, presuming to be led, but next to him, as an equal."

Bane tilted his head towards Gulford and said, "The king was worried about his choices in battle, laden with grief, and asked his trusted General once and for all if the battle should continue as planned."

Gulford continued effortlessly, "And his trusted General told him thus: We have come too far, your majesty, to turn back now. It will cast doubt amongst the minds of your people about your decisions. And moved his brown mare closer: The last thing we need is a revolt." "And his trusted General told him thus: 'We have come too far, your majesty, to turn back now. It will cast doubt amongst the minds of your people about your decisions.' He moved his brown mare closer.'The last thing we need is a revolt.'"

"The King of Hearts agreed. He turned to inspect the army his General had trained to its full potential. Over a hundred footmen, well seasoned and most of them expert with the ways of the sword, walked in formation behind the King of Hearts' “fit and able” men." Bane said.

Andonis yawned, "Where there only footmen in this army? That's boring."

"No," Gulford said, a hint of sadness touched his words, "There were many more men in the army. Half as many archers marched behind them; a good ranged offence unit, and a last line of defence if enemy broke through the waves of footmen. The same amount of pikemen, burdened by their loads of spare pikes should they break, brought up the rear of the grounded army until they had reached their destination, in which case they would spread out and surround the army to take down any mounted units that came their way."

General John Bane took a breath and continued where his king left off, "Two hundred of the finest horsemen of Thrans flanked the walking army. The horses were jittery, nervous of the hushed atmosphere. Their eyes rolled in panic, but they were well-trained not to rear." Bane closed his eyes, "Even the loyal and trusted General Quicksilver wondered if he would survive this battle."

The king of Azuryl hardened his face at the man's words,The king of Azuryl's face hardened at the man's words "The King of Hearts had ordered the attack without the prior planning necessary for such an assault on a well guarded castle- especially so soon after the plague had swept through the kingdom, taking the lives of so many. While it was true that any man would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by... the King of Spades, the hurried formation of the troops and the call to arms by all able men could end up a terrible mistake." True, any man would would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary- one who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by... the King of Spades. The hurried formation of the troops and the call to arms by all able men could end up a terrible mistake."

John shook his head, "But the king's men loved him and believed in him, and less than a week later, they were on enemy soil. The valley sloped gently downwards towards the castle in the distance - "

The heir to the throne sat up, "Was there a moat?"

"No," John said, frowning. Andonis pouted, but motioned the man he considered his uncle to continue, "Green trees grew thickly on the slopes, but were prevented from growing near the castle where wide meadows dominated, patched here and there by fields of wheat, just sprouting. Quicksilver could smell spring in the air and tried to cast the thought of him never living to another spring from his mind."

"There were no signs of life this early in the morning. Not even the farmers were stirring. The foreman of the archers nodded, and two scouts emerged from the army to scan the battlefield and bring back any useful knowledge. If possible, they were to take out any potential castle watchmen with the long bows strapped to their backs. The scouts knew they would be lucky if they came back alive." The king said, his face shadowed with regret.

"The scouts had only managed to just reach the trees on either side of the valley when suddenly a hiss!" Andonis jumped in surprised at the shout, "And a loud whack of the first projectile hitting the castle walls triggered consecutive volleys of boulders being hurled. It was clearly a malfunction of the siege machines -- "

"Or a traitor giving away their position." Gulford said angrily.

" -- but the army had been too well trained not to respond to the first sign of battle. Caution was thrown to the wind... The war had begun."

Andonis grinned and slightly bounced on his mattress, enthralled with the story.

"An alarm tolled from the King of Spades' fort, and it wasn’t long before a harried counter army formed at the base of the castle, under makeshift log huts that mostly protected the men from the falling rubble and the piercing bolts of the King of Hearts' archers." Gulford blew air out of his mouth, trying to replicate the sound of arrows cutting through the air, "The King of Hearts roared! He ordered the assault and the meat shield ran forward, their weapons awkwardly hanging in their hands, fear prominent on their faces."

"General Quicksilver watched from his mounted position in front of the cavalry, knowing that the untrained men would die and feeling pity for them, but accepted their sacrifice as the prerequisite to any war. It was the way battles were always started, and it was beyond anyone's psychological ideals to change this when it was so widely accepted and acknowledged. What would a war be without willing sacrifice?" General John Bane eyed Andonis, who nodded at the lesson, but not understanding what Bane was trying to subtly tell him.

"The first row of the conscripted men were shot down from the archers in the towers of the castle; some were set on fire by burning pitch, and the stench of burning flesh filled the air..."

...The second wave of the untrained men reached the enemy army and engaged with cries of fear and anger. The ringing of swords hitting armour, or sliding off weapons that parried and blocked filled the air. Countless men on both sides of the army fell defeated, either by death or a wound. But the King of Hearts' men were pressing forward, overwhelming the enemy forces, forcing the men to push back amongst their own ranks and creating confusion.

Fuelled by the small advance, the General ordered the footmen, with once shouted command, to charge into the chaos. The more experienced men were quickly making small time of the enemy, slaughtering those that stood in their way and crippling those that tried to flee. The stench of excrement, exposed organs, sweat, blood and death hung heavy in the soldiers nostrils. Bodies of both man and beast littered the battlefield in various states of wholeness.

The archers on the battlements continued to fire volley after volley of arrows into the battle, often injuring their own forces in the bid to eliminate the King of Hearts' men. But his army had managed to reach the outskirts of the castle, and the General sent the second wave of swordsmen forward, followed by the cavalry, and the pikemen on either side. The swordsmen charged into battle, swinging their blades in a deadly dance of death. The horsemen galloped in almost heedlessly, sensing the victory that was so tantalisingly close.

But then the spikes in the covered trenches came up, and the entire wave of cavalry fell with screaming horses and stunned men.The King of Hearts' men became effectively divided; the swordsmen, what remained of the meat shield and some pikemen faced the enemy army at the base of the castle alone. Most of the cavalry had lost their horses to the spikes and were forced to rely on their limited weapons training. The other half of the army, which consisted of the most of the pikemen, knights that were in the second wave and hadn't been taken out by the trap and the archers milled about in utter confusion. Adding to this turmoil was the fact that the General had become seperated from his King. The army was not only divided by force, but by leader.

Realizing in a pain-inducing split-second epiphany that he had been tricked, that this wasn’t a “sneak siege” to the enemy, the King of Hearts called a retreat, his war horn blazing loud and desperate amongst the sounds of battle. The footmen fended off stunning blows from the soldiers that poured out from the castle, and attempted to make its way back to their king through the small force of men who had risen the spikes from the trenches. But it was clear that the attacking army was losing men quicker by trying to flee. The army had lost its cohesion. The confusion of the sudden imbalance regarding who had been winning threw the men into a mental free-fall where the only conscious focus was to escape.

A trumpet sounded from the castle, and two halves of the enemy’s cavalry descended from the forest of trees either side of the battle, effectively bottle-necking what remained of the King of Hearts' divided army, cutting any possible attempts to flee. The enemy cavalry flanked, the archers tried to defend their king, and the pikemen took down most of the horses.

The King of Spades fought amongst his men, laughing with glee, and the King of Hearts' own heart sank as he realized how much of a mistake he had made, under-estimating the enemy; acting out of passion and from the heart instead of thinking from the head. The battle was his fault, and he threw himself into fighting with vigour and rage and self-derision. His General finally made it to his side, and the two men made a formidable image. Blood splattered, appendages flew, curses were slung and many men fought like heroes. But any hope of escape dwindled to nothing...

"They lost?" Andonis whispered, as the story trailed to an uneasy pause.

The king and his general shared a glance, "The battle had been lost."

* * *

It was past noon; the sun high in the sky, the heat radiating off the overturned soil in hazy waves. The sparse scattering of clouds gave respite from harsh light, however brief. The trampled grass was dry and brittle, and the once peaceful meadow was not the way it had been, only days earlier, now ravaged and desolate.

There was not a movement to be seen across the valley besides the odd patch of burning pitch, the flames dancing to a music of their own, or where the wind played with stalks of tall, seed-heavy weeds. The cobblestone castle, only metres away, stood almost mockingly, the drawbridge down, the archers in the towers watching with their bows drawn in the eerie silence.

“Addsett!" The cry startled some crows that had begun to feast on the entails of a soldier's open stomach, "Peace. I declare peace! Allow us to safely retreat!” King Gulford Raiet yelled across the body-strewn battlefield, his voice echoing off the ridges and trenches.

His army standard flickered in the wind, held up by the flag bearer; or rather, impaled in the boy’s stomach. The coppery smell of blood tickled his nose, and King Gulford knew his blonde beard was heavy with the blood of his victims. His broadsword rested against his knee, rusty from the fighting, the poisonous slime that encrusted the blade was probably the cause of most of his later kills as it sunk into flesh. His armour was dented in places, the bent metal rubbing across the chainmail underneath, aggravating the bruises on his skin.

The king hefted himself up and peered over the dirt mound in the general direction of where he expected the reply. His army general lay on the ground beside him, outwardly hardened, but devastated by the loss of his men. The man’s double-sided axe was chipped, and his gloves were nearly worn all the way through, but despite his weariness, he waved a blood-stained white rag in the air.

A golden crown soon surfaced amongst the trodden mud and blood of no-man’s land, and King Harry Addsett smirked down at his rival, “You, the King of Azuryl, willingly admit defeat, Gulford?”

They were surprisingly close enough to make out the minute details of each other's well known faces. Gulford's greying blonde hair, drenched in blood, weary green eyes; Harry's dark hair seemingly not a strand out of place, triumphant eyes so dark brown it was almost hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. But most important was the smug grin of satisfaction on King Addsett's clean face that rubbed King Raiet the wrong way. And the knowledge that Gulford had let his ancestors down with the loss of this battle. The war between the Azuryl and Cruciot kingdoms had been waging before the scribes had started to record history.

Before the Bazynteen king could help himself, he asked, "How did you - ?"

Harry laughed lightly, "You did what any man would do if his son was murdered. It was easy to predict that you'd attack Ypoc, and it only too a few days to prepare the battle field." He nodded in the direction of the trees, "Creating small clearings for my cavalry to hide in, and pathways only blocked by light foliage allowed them to easily burst out of the thicket and confound your troops." The king gestured to the rows of spikes and the impaled horses and men upon them, an unsavoury shish-kebab, "Your scouts didn't get the opportunity to reveal the trenches because of the traitors I had in your army, a man who served his purpose when he launched the first projectile at the castle walls."

King Raiet felt rage and despair coil in his stomach, "And the conscripted men on my army didn't know how to look out for ground that rings hollow, and my swordsmen were too elated at the thought of victory to notice."

"Yes, you failed, and now you readily admit defeat to me."

Gulford ground his teeth until his jaw ached and didn’t reply until General John Bane nudged him, “Aye, and I'm willing to make an oath, a King's Vow that I will not raise my army against your forces." He paused, "But I demand we have your son as a failsafe as we leave this cursed valley.” He met Harry's unfathomably dark eyes, "After we are a safe distance away, I will personally cut the ropes from your son and leave him to be collected."

There was a small pause as the other king considered the man's wishes, “I could slaughter you and what remains of your army right now, in the name of war, and conquer your country and raid your coffers." He narrowed his eyes, "What would stop me?"

"There is honour even amongst thieves." When Harry didn't rise to the bait, the king of Azryl (He's the king of Azryl, right?) steeled his will, "I will give you half my land, without the need for any more fighting."

"I could kill you all now and claim all of your land as mine."

"I promise you first pick in anything that my country trades," Gulford swallowed his pride, "and I will allow your troops to make use of the Stillway."

Harry Addsett tilted his head, suddenly interested, "You would give me access to the Stillway?"

General Bane forced down the bile in his throat as his king nodded. It was dangerous to use the paths of the Stillway, but having access to the Bazynteen artefact would give the Cruciot king a huge advantage in his war efforts.

"You and what remains of your army will retreat and never set foot in my country again?”

“Aye." The King Raiet said warily, "On your son’s head, though, should you betray this treaty. Everyone alive has heard me promise my part. Will you allow this war to cease?”

He didn't answer for several moments, making the hairs on the back of Gulford's neck rise with warning. Abruptly, King Harry turned and beckoned a finger at his standard bearer, who was white with fear, and slick with sweat. The pole trembled in his hands.

"Go forth and fetch my youngest son, Thilyp." All who heard could not believe the monumental decision the cruel king had made; to sacrifice the chance to wipe out the entirety of what remained of the Azuryl army. Even the most lowly of footmen remained unconvinced of the king's intent.

The standard bearer nodded meekly (one can't nod sickly. He can have "nodded, sickened." or have "nodded meekly", as I changed it to.), mounted one of the last remaining mares and fled to the nearby castle. The King of Azuryl watched the man in green and blue livery disappear into the distance and sighed, "I'm sorry to have put you through another war, John." He wiped at the blood that dripped into his eye, "It was another show of bad judgement on my behalf. I thought we had the upper hand on them, this time."

John hid his frown behind his helmet, "It cannot be helped now, my king. What is done is done."

"If only I had listened to you - "

Trumpets sounded from the top of the battlements of the castle as the standard bearer returned with the youngest prince of Cruciot wrapped in a blanket, a small circlet of gold around the boy's head. King Harry didn't even look so much as spare a glance at his son as the man got off his horse and nervously handed the child over to General Bane. Everyone watching expected the deliverer to be attacked at the last second.

The remaining troops of Azuryl and the six times as large in force army of Cruciot watched on, holding their breaths, knowing that if anything went wrong, they would have to fight once again. Men shifted awkwardly, trying to stay in position, others twitched; their hands hovering over the hilts of their weapons and then dropping back by their sides, repeating the cycle over and over.

King Harry laughed and said to King Gulford, "You weren't expecting us to flank you from behind and cut you off from fleeing, were you?"

The other King grimaced, "It was something new that we weren't ready for."

Harry gestured and the entire force of his army reformed to the side of the valley, "You may go."

General Bane's suspicion heightened and he tightened his hold on the infant in his arms, "My Lord, this doesn't look or feel right. It's too easy."

Gulford inclined his head slightly towards his old friend, "I get the same feeling, but there is nothing we can do if we want some survivors from this awful battle."

Slowly what remained of Gulford's legion assembled themselves in front of the intimidating army. Gulford and John advanced to the front of the army of around seventy wounded men, some of them supported by their allies. The king and his general were the only two left on horses; the entire cavalry lost when men in trenches rose hidden rows of stakes for the horses to impale themselves on. the entire cavalry had lost theirs when the men in the trenches had risen the hidden rows of stakes. (we already know that the horses are dead, we don't need to say they were impaled on top of that.)The Cruciot army followed close behind, with the king in the lead.

King Harry laughed as the small army marched away, some of the men not daring to look back. Just before the entirety of King Gulford's army crested the hill, Harry shouted, "This will make sure your empire will lack men of any fighting age for a long time!" And the single toot of a hunting horn spelled doom for Gulford's soldiers.

"Traitor!" Gulford cried, defending himself with his sword, the feeling of dread and utter sadness upon his heart, "Murderer!" Arrows from the battlements flew like deadly rain upon the Azuryl men, some of the arrows ablaze with burning pitch.

The general urged his horse up to his king, fighting to reach him, "We must flee! You must survive, your highness."

The king angrily spat in a voice loud enough to carry over the sounds of men dying and the clang of swords, "You give up your own son for this dishonour! You are filth, Addsett!"

King Harry chuckled, his laughter like a bell ringing in Gulford's ears, an alarm - a warning - sounding at the back of the his mind. Time stood still, frozen, as the two Kings' eyes met, clashing like the blades of the warriors around them. A smile curled up onto Harry's face and in less than a whisper, though Gulford heard it with stinging clarity, remarked, "One life for a war won? Common sense.”

Gulford couldn't bear to look into the man's eyes any longer, the amount of animosity and violence radiating from them burned him. He glanced away, sadly absorbing the details of the battle within the space of a second. Surrounding him was a field of crimson grass. Men – old, young, married, single, with children, barren – both his and his enemies, sprawled upon the ground, not moving, except for the occasional post-mortem twitch, swords or arrows impaling their bodies. Curdling screams of pain echoed across the dwindling battlefield. The subject of Gulford’s eyes was none of this; it was simply and plainly the waste of life.

A minute tear, unknown, formed in his eye and trailed slowly down his cheek. He had not wanted this. Gulford closed his eyes, taking in a deep death, attempting to destroy the image forever burned into retinas. He knew, even as he tried so very hard to forget, he would always remember this. Always.

The metallic screech of two bloody swords clanging as they met together in a series of blows near the King of Azuryl abruptly snapped him out of his reverie. It was at that moment in time he also noticed that something was tugging at his arm. He listlessly turned his head to see General Bane was yanking violently at his sleeve, screaming obscenities and what appeared to be nonsense into his King's ear.

"We must flee. Now!"

Gulford silently nodded, one slow bob of his head as he gained his bearings. He held at bay the grief and muttered under his breath in a whisper filled with self-loathing, "Then run like cowards we shall."

Alrighty! Those were all my nitpicks and changes. Excuse me for a moment while I rest my hands.

Okay, I'm back. Now, here was my general impression and thoughts:

So, this was very well written. Your main problems were that you jumped around in the tenses a lot. I don't think I caught all of your mistakes in that. If you're writing in past tense, stick with it. Same with present. You also throw a huge amount of information at us at once. One would really have to work, like I did, to keep up with everything that's going on. You don't want to dizzy your readers. Stop to clarify and give us a break from those thick blocks of text.

I really like how your storyline is going. Keep it up. However, I really must admit, that I don't like King Harry's name. It doesn't sound scary.... it sounds silly. He needs a more frightening, intimidating name. King Harry sounds like a cartoon character, not a formidable, cruel tyrant.

Can I safely assume that Andonis isn't really Gulfort's son, he's Harry's? That's what it seems like. That's a very interesting twist. I hope you develop more on Andonis. Is he going to be the main character? because that seems like it would work best for your story's plot.

Very nice job, overall. Keep writing!

-Dreamy