Cat Steps Chapter 1: Draft

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“I don’t see why we should lose a daughter when guards can do a perfectly good job.”
I groaned from my position outside the door. Despite having saved my father’s life three times, he still doubted my usefulness.
I heard nails tapping on wood from inside my father’s study, followed by my mother’s voice. “Kerani has proved invaluable to us. Do you want to take that chance?”
“There hasn’t been a successful assassination attempt in the Imperial Palace in years,” my father said. “A girl able to sense emotion and weapons around her wouldn’t have anything to do.”
“We’re speaking about our daughter’s life!” Mother snapped. “Kerani is our only protection against some power-hungry noble who wants his daughter to marry the Crown Prince.”
“The Emperor has sworn, as his duty as Emperor, to keep all members of his family safe,” Father said. “This includes those who will marry into the family. Kerani’s roll as a protector to her sister would become overshadowed by the guards.”
“Your job as leader of this family is to keep us safe,” Mother said coldly. “Yet Kerani has stopped more attempts on our lives than you give her credit for.”
“She stops maybe one attempt every year and a half,” Father retorted. “That’s with less guards than the palace.”
It was every six months, Father dear, I grumbled mentally. Between my sister, my father, and my brother when he’d been here, I would stop a threat that often, if not more. As Ranya’s marriage date approached, I was stopping threats once every few weeks.
“And,” he continued, “the palace will have more guards than we have available to us. The threats shall be lowered even more.”
“But the guards protect so many more people at the palace,” Mother said, almost forlorn. There was silence from behind the doors a moment, before she spoke again. “But what about Kerani’s training? She’s been only focusing on fighting for seven years.”
“Lessons with Ranya’s tutors will get her acting like a lady by the time she’s marrying age.” I heard my father get out of his chair. Only he in our family made it groan against the floor as he stood up. “Three years of this, until she turns eighteen, will be enough.”
I slid down the wall until I was sitting, shifting just a bit so my dagger hilt didn’t jab me in the stomach. I would have banged my head back against the wall if there was no risk my parents might hear. I did not want to get married.
There was a soft whisper from the cushion as my mother shifted. “But who would be interested in her?”
“There are several prospects,” Father said absently. “By the time Kerani reaches marrying age, Ranya should have produced an heir for the prince. Nobles will be begging to be related to the Imperial family, and Kerani will be in high demand.”
And that was why.
The countless meetings I had listened in on made it clear to me women were treated as tokens; nothing more than a way of getting political power. One reason I dedicated myself so diligently to my spy work: if I could prove my usefulness in protecting my family I could avoid the marriage trap. As much as I supported my sister in her marriage, it was not a fate I wanted for myself.
I cast my magic out to distract myself from the conversation happening on the other side of the wall. Sorting through the emotions of dozens of servants, guards, and nobles staying at the palace was sometimes a dizzying task, but it had proved useful so often I had practiced.
My eyes snapped open and I leapt to my feet. A blade was moving behind the walls, towards my sister’s room, wielded by greed. Assassins got paid on a kill, after all. I sprinted down the hall and found the entrance to a connecting passageway in an unused room. Ironic, I found, that these passages between rooms had been made to keep nobles safe. They were even kept lit for servants who sometimes chose to use them. Why there hadn’t been assassin traps built in was beyond me.
I saw a crack of light hit a shadowed profile. No warning for an attack, and there would be none. The servants were too good at oiling hinges. I slid to a stop just a few paces behind him. The small squeak my feet made was enough to get his attention. He spun to face me and paused just a moment. A moment I used to grip my dagger hilt, my little finger facing the blade. I’d let him attack first.
Just as I thought he would, the killer went to slit my throat by throwing his blade arm out, the edge facing my neck. He aimed too high for my height. I ducked under his swing and into his arms, drawing my dagger as I went to punch his jaw. My blade slashed his throat instead, and blood sprayed out of his arteries. My arm shielded my eyes from the worst of the spray; I could see his eyes grow dark and mouth drop open, trying to yell. I pushed his body forward with my blade so it wouldn’t land on me. He fell back with a wet thud. I shivered just slightly as the noise was amplified by the close quarters, making it sound like many more were falling. Ranya screamed from her room, and guards banged the doors open to reach her.
They would need to come into the passageway, if only to dispose of the body. I walked past him to the door and glanced at his face. Even in death he was somewhat handsome, with the blue eyes and blond hair of the Northerners in this province. Only a broken nose and a scar on his cheek marred his beauty—marks I had grown to associate with hired knives. I stepped in his blood and gave a silent prayer for his soul to rest in peace.
I pushed the door open and stayed in the shadows, not wanting a now-hysterical Ranya to see me covered in blood. The marble tile behind me would have to be cleaned— I pitied the servant who would get that task— and the walls had a handful of droplets from the assassin landing in a deep puddle. I hadn’t made this much of a mess killing in awhile.
Guards rushed in a few seconds after the door was open. They stood at the entrance, staring at the body.
“I took care of it,” I sighed.
The guards by the door jumped at the sound of my voice. Ranya’s sobs subsided, and she began calling for me.
“Cat! Please, tell me there’s nobody else. Are you hurt? Come out of that passage, please!”
“There’s nobody else, Ranya,” I said in the strongest tone I could manage. The exertion from the sprint was beginning to sink in. “You’ll be fine while I bathe.”
“Are you hurt?” she asked again. She was calmer now, at least. Thank the Phoenix.
I shook my head even though she couldn’t see. “I’m fine.”
One guard took the assassin’s body away, while two more went to guard Ranya’s door again. A final stayed behind and asked, “Are you just saying that?”
“So you know the way it is?” I whispered with a small laugh.
He frowned. “So you were fine to kill him?”
I stifled a sigh. So he hadn’t been talking about how bodyguards lied to their charge to calm hysterics. “Yes, I was. All this blood is his.”
“Your breathing?”
“I ran here from Father’s study.”
He lifted an eyebrow. “You’re sure you’re fine?”
“Yes, I’m sure I’m fine.”
He was about to say more, but my glare silenced him. He trotted away to guard the door with the others. I hadn’t encountered him before. He must have been from Father increasing guards around Ranya. How much good that had done was yet to be decided.
I left the scene and used secret passages to get to my room right next to Ranya’s. It would have been faster to go through Ranya’s rooms to my own, but she would have fainted from the blood. My dagger hilt was sticky in my hand, I didn’t dare sheath it until it was cleaned, and my skin was beginning to feel tight from the drying liquid. A bath was needed and welcomed.
Last edited by Rosendorn on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:55 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Roooosey! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I groaned from my position outside the door. Despite having saved my father’s life three times, he still doubted my usefulness.


I'm not sure if this is the best way to introduce Kerani. "I groaned from my position" just sounds very passive as a first action.

Kerani’s roll as a protector


role.

She’s been only focusing on fighting for seven years.”


Personally, I think focusing only would sound better.

A blade was moving behind the walls, towards my sister’s room, wielded by greed.


We don't know about her powers yet, not really. How does she know this?

Alright.

II. PASSIVENESS

For some reason, there's always a certain amount of passiveness I associate with your writing, Rosey, it's part of your style. And it's certainly not a bad thing. But at the same time, you seem almost too calm about the whole thing. Yes, alright, Kerani is used to killing and the like. And you're used to writing it. But we're not! This is the first kill of the book- show us a little bit more excitement about it. I mean, blood sprays out of his arteries... in the middle of the paragraph. Then you go onto Ranya's reaction and though you do dedicate a little time to it, there's little to do with Kerani's own thoughts. Maybe show us the kill in a more appealing way, then go back and look at it as Kerani herself does. Is she used to it? If so, tell us! But overall, it seemed like she was bored, which made me bored, and I don't know if you were trying to make it seem typical and everyday, but it seems that way and I'm not sure it's working.

III. THE ARRANGED MARRIAGE

This is more a personal thing than anything else- call it a trope or a cliché, the arranged marriage or the threat of marriage or, well, anything to do with marriage, is always somehow intertwined with fantasy heroines. And fine, if that's how it works in their world. But do you really have to bring it up in the first chapter? It's a bit "Oh, yeah, of course, marriage, bla-bla-bla." Don't her parents have any other reasons for keeping her? Of course the marriage could be mentioned, and maybe they're not very affectionate, but really, I feel like it's a bit overdone.

IV. OVERALL

I've never read this version of the opening before- only the one where they're in a crowd, but I do like it, don't get me wrong :) But it can always be better!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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I can honestly say this is a really good beginning to a great book, I haven't found myself reading every single word in years. When someone like me can read at an extraordinary speed its hard to read every word. I don't think I have any criticism to say.

Very good detail but not to much, it allows you to put yourself in the characters mind and body to envision what exactly is going on so i say keep up the good work and i hope to be readying more. I just hope it is long and adventures.
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Well, Stella was pretty thorough, and she pointed out everything I wanted to point out grammar-wise, so this review shall basically be me just rambling on about what I thought.

I agree with Stella that the opening could be stronger. Right now, there's nothing really grabbing at the reader to continue reading. I also think that line could be better phrased to make it clear that "losing a daughter" means the daughter has been killed. Making the murder connotation clearer would act as a good hook as well, I think. Actually, I think the sentence as a whole could be made much clearer. Something like: "I don't see why Kerani is needed anymore. The guards can do a perfectly good job of protecting Ranya from assassins." Introduces the main conflict of the chapter and has the killing hook.

I think the whole arranged marriage mini-rant-thing could have been handled a little better. Arranged marriage rant-things are far too common in fantasy, and while Kerani's thoughts on the matter are reasonable and understandable, it's still not particularly interesting to read. It wasn't handled badly, but I definitely think it could have been handled a little better. Maybe nix the generalization of women as political pawns in general and personalize it so that it's just what Kerani feels on the matter and not necessarily reflective of the world as a whole.

As far as the passivity of this all, I actually enjoyed it. Especially during the fight scene and right after, the almost detached feel really made it more chilling.
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Hiya,

Kyllorac and Stella have made wonderful points so I'll try not to tread on them too much. I want to like this story so, so much. You have a good idea and characters; making it mildly entertaining. However, I definitely think it could be better. Before I explain that further, these are a few minor things that I noticed;

“I took care of it,” I sighed.


Emphasis mine. If you simply sigh, will you be able to get out audible words? No. Can you talk while you're sighing (ex. I said with a sigh) or say something then sigh (ex. "I took care of it." I sighed.) I've noticed that people do this a lot--I used to as well. It's nothing major, but probably good to break the habit and not shy away from using 'said' and letting the dialogue speak for itself.

“The Emperor has sworn, as his duty as Emperor, to keep all members of his family safe,”


Again, emphasis mine. When I read this, it felt kind of awkward. You have two instances of the word 'emperor in one sentence. This could be easily cut down. It's also somewhat redundant. If you tell us he's the emperor, isn't it obvious that he's going to have an emperor's duties?

Anyway, I pretty much agree with Stella about the passiveness. This chapter really lacks emotion; dialogue is simply said and action follows. Even if this isn't her first kill by far, it's the first one we get to experience in the story. There's blood and guts and she treats it as ordinarily as if there was a magazine on the table. Even if the person she killed is a nobody, it shouldn't matter. Let's take a look at the movie Jaws for a minute. The first victim is shown on screen for under ten minutes and has one or two lines of dialogue. Yet, the scene where she is killed is so intense that it gets us excited and ready for future attacks for come. With this scene, you have to set the bar, tell the reader what Kerani's other battles are going to be like.

Overall, it was good piece and I'll be looking forward to further entries. Feel free to PM me if you need anything else!

-Elinor x

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Hi Rosey.

I heard nails tapping on wood from inside my father’s study, followed by my mother’s voice. “Kerani has proved invaluable to us. Do you want to take that chance?”


Hrmm? Nails tapping on wood? What's the source though? Seems vague at the moment.

“A girl able to sense emotion and weapons around her wouldn’t have anything to do.”


I'm iffy on this. I can't really imagine people of that era saying something like this.

There was a soft whisper from the cushion as my mother shifted. “But who would be interested in her?”


Wait, how can a cushion whisper? I don't think "whisper" works well here.

I cast my magic out to distract myself from the conversation happening on the other side of the wall.


What magic? Be more specific.

Overall impressions:

Eh. I don't have any problems with your base idea, but I do have a problem with your execution. On the whole, this was a bit of a bore to read, simply because of how passive it is as well as a lack of a "hook".

The conversation at the start where the Father and Mother discussed over the arranged marriage was kind of roughly handled. I had to read it over like 3 times just to get what's happening. I mean you could of been more clear as to who you were referring to. As for the actual conversation itself, it seemed kind of forced. It seemed like you were using it more to dump information (I would even say like a list) onto the reader. Some of it was irrelevant I thought, and you could of done a better job at keeping it to the point.

I was also disappointed that you didn't show how the parents' mannerisms/ reactions during the argument. It seemed so dead. In any argument, there are always these mannerisms actions that occur (eg: frowning, smashing a fist on the table, shouting etc). Even the most civil of people display would display such actions in an argument. And while they were arguing, what was the narrator thinking/feeling while she was eavesdropping on them? I actually wanted to know that more than what the parents were bickering about.

Then there was your narrator's narration. In short, that was kind of bland too because of how passive she was. She says things so factually (here comes the info dump thing again) that she is devoid of any resemblance to a character. We don't know what she's thinking/feeling (think I already said that above lol). She seems too calm and static for someone that is experiencing all these big events in her life. Even during the assassination scene, something that's meant to be adrenaline filled and exciting to read, it instead becomes more of a surgery procedure in a hospital. That was how static it was!

And that assassination scene came from like nowhere. There was like no build up to it, and when it happened, I was like "What the heck?"

So, work on including more actions/mannerisms into your piece and more of what your characters are thinking/feeling during the time. I hope this has helped.

Andy.
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Hi Rosey.

I think my biggest problem with this is the fight scene -- it needs improving. Let's analyse it.

I saw a crack of light hit a shadowed profile. No warning for an attack, and there would be none. The servants were too good at oiling hinges. I slid to a stop just a few paces behind him. The small squeak my feet made was enough to get his attention. He spun to face me and paused just a moment. A moment I used to grip my dagger hilt, my little finger facing the blade. I’d let him attack first.


Assuming Cat is running, how has she not made a sound before this? There's pretty much nobody that can run and not make a sound. It seems very odd that an assassin did not notice her sprinting down the passageway until she was within arm's reach. In fact, it's just unfeasible. It would make a million times more sense for the assassin to hear her and react to it. It might even be more exciting -- maybe you could play the underestimating card here (I'm not really sure how aware people are that there's an extraordinary female fighter protecting her sister), the assassin assuming he can deal with a woman on the way to his target.

Just as I thought he would, the killer went to slit my throat by throwing his blade arm out, the edge facing my neck. He aimed too high for my height. I ducked under his swing and into his arms, drawing my dagger as I went to punch his jaw. My blade slashed his throat instead, and blood sprayed out of his arteries. My arm shielded my eyes from the worst of the spray; I could see his eyes grow dark and mouth drop open, trying to yell. I pushed his body forward with my blade so it wouldn’t land on me. He fell back with a wet thud. I shivered just slightly as the noise was amplified by the close quarters, making it sound like many more were falling. Ranya screamed from her room, and guards banged the doors open to reach her.


Even more unfeasibly, the assassin goes for her throat. I just don't think anyone is that stupid. There's almost no chance, from arm's reach, that you could reach out and stab (not slit, how would he slit her throat? He'd have to be closer) someone's throat without them moving away easily. It's a suicidal maneouvre leaving you stretched and vulnerable. I think, in your haste to show Cat as a competent fighter, you've made the age old mistake of making her opponent moronic. I call this the Hollywood effect -- in movies, this is how people are always shown to be better. The hero will cut down idiots who attack over their right shoulder in long swings every time, and it's great, because it's a movie and it's what we expect often. But this came off just unrealistic and silly in a book. I'd expect an assassin to be more conservative in their approach, not fling forward. He'd draw his dagger and hold it menacingly, waiting for a good time to strike. And then you could have an interesting scene where neither character went for the attack, maybe some dialogue, rather than a quick and unrealistic fight.

I also disliked this section, I think it needs some work:

“Are you hurt?” she asked again. She was calmer now, at least. Thank the Phoenix.

I shook my head even though she couldn’t see. “I’m fine.”

One guard took the assassin’s body away, while two more went to guard Ranya’s door again. A final stayed behind and asked, “Are you just saying that?”

“So you know the way it is?” I whispered with a small laugh.

He frowned. “So you were fine to kill him?”

I stifled a sigh. So he hadn’t been talking about how bodyguards lied to their charge to calm hysterics. “Yes, I was. All this blood is his.”

“Your breathing?”

“I ran here from Father’s study.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “You’re sure you’re fine?”

“Yes, I’m sure I’m fine.”


I think it might be because you always seem to use something that's not he or she said. it's always whispered, asked, an action, sighing, etc. The little actions can be good, but I feel nostalgic for an odd said here and there.

But also because it's an awkward conversation. It didn't feel real for me. "So you were fine to kill him" is a very, very strange construction of words, and something I'm not anybody would ever say. I get what you're trying to do here, but for some reason it just doesn't feel right. Sorry I can't be more conclusive on why that is!

Overall, though, this was a solid opening. The initial conversation drew me in, and I was glad for an action scene. I'm intrigued how your MC is a good fighter and has magic, and is a noble. I hope it's not too cliche, what with the arranged marriage trope, and the assassin, and blah blah you know what I mean. Nonetheless, I hope you continue writing and posting! Let me know if something new comes in.
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Omigosh! *spaz* Must. Review. Nao.

Is Kerani on guard duty outside her parents' door or is she eavesdropping? I was unclear as to why she was there. If she's on guard duty, she just sort of leaves her post? I mean, she stopped an assassination attempt, but then she goes off to bathe? If she's eavesdropping, shouldn't she be with her sister as a protector? How close is she to her sister's room? This sort of seemed like a rather contrived way to get her within earshot of her parent's conversation for some infodumping.

“There hasn’t been a successful assassination attempt in the Imperial Palace in years,” my father said. “A girl able to sense emotion and weapons around her wouldn’t have anything to do.”

This actually kind of bothered me. Sure, there have been no "successful" assassination attempts, but wouldn't someone have to die for it to be successful? There could have been plenty more attempts that didn't get anyone killed and it seems like someone "able to sense emotion and weapons" could be instrumental in keeping all attempts that way.

By the time Kerani reaches marrying age

You've used this expression before just a paragraph or two ahead. Perhaps something like "By the time she's old enough"?

it was not a fate I wanted for myself

I'm a little iffy with this. Sure, now we have equality for women and the idea of being subject to whims of marriage is pretty much appalling, I'm assuming this is normal for this culture. I'm sure there are women who don't want to go along with it, but why? It's the norm, so why would she want to do something different? Did she grow up with different expectations? Was she always treated like a person and that's why she doesn't want to be treated like an object? It seems like if she grew up with the idea of being subject to orders as a protector and spy, she would accept an order to marry. I dunno, just the idea of not wanting to become "a token" seems incredibly modern. Is it that she won't be allowed to be active any more?

Also, I've always been a little confused as to why Kerani is her sister's protector? Why did her parents decide that she should become a bodyguard rather than hire someone else? I mean, she is their daughter and you would think that they would want to protect her rather than put her in harm's way. Unless it has to do with her abilities, in which case, why would they want to marry her off at all? Why not let her stay a spy/bodyguard and put her where she is most useful?

I stepped in his blood and gave a silent prayer for his soul to rest in peace.

Did she mean to step in his blood? Was it part of the prayer? Also, I found this moment kind of cool. Kerani's not just "KEEL! STAB! DIE!", but is actually sort of melancholic about it and willing to pray for the assassin she just killed. 'Tis kinda cool.

“So you know the way it is?” I whispered with a small laugh.

He frowned. “So you were fine to kill him?”

Wait, what? This makes no sense to me. I'm not sure what they are talking about at all. I mean... what? *confused*

Yay for finally posting! I am so looking forward to reading the whole thing! *happy!dance*

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I'm liking this. ^^ Reminds me of the books 'Graceling' and 'Fire' by Kristin Cashore... Have you read them? Not saying it's a BAD thing I'm reminded of them - those books are (in my opinion at least) some excellent pieces of fantasy.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for the strong, cool-killing heroines, but this is the kind of story I love. Like others said, the arranged marriage thing is a common plot, but that doesn't mean it's bad. It works, the way she feels about it fits her character, and as long as you make it your own and don't make it the major conflict of the story, I don't have any problems with it.

The MC's family is interesting... I like the contrast between the two sisters. Ranya faints at the sight of blood, while Kerani is an epic anti-assassin who kills people for the good of her family! And yet they seem to be close, which I like.

Some things I had problems with...

The first few sentences, I was finding it hard to figure out what was going on, and I'm still not completely sure even now. What were her parents saying? From my understanding... Ranya's marrying the Emperor (or something? :/) and Kerani is supposed to go with her to protect the Emperor and her from being assassinated, but the mom wants her to stay home? This interests me... Especially since I'm wondering if the Emperor(?) is just marrying Ranya to get Kerani with her fearsome butt-kicking powers (how did she get those anyway? Is this a normal thing in their world?) on his security detail... But I'm still not entirely sure that's what's happening.
So, basically, I'm looking for some more clarity, and a more natural-sounding discussion of what's happening.

Like others said, I had a little trouble getting into the big killing scene. I found myself starting to skim, which is never good.

Then, after that, what followed seemed a little odd in some places. Like... "They would need to come into the passageway, if only to dispose of the body. I walked past him to the door and glanced at his face." That second sentence, at first I thought she was looking at some guard coming in or something. I didn't realize for the first second or so that she was talking about the cadaver.

Then her dialogue with the guard sounded a little off... A little unnatural-sounding... :/ The guard does intrigue me though. Such concern for her... Ooh la la. *wiggles eyebrows* Is he going to become a major character, I wonder? ;)

Bottom line, I really like this and want to read more. Just a couple things that could use some polishing. ;)
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I really like this peice. It reminds me of the book Graceling, which I love. PM me when you add more. This is really interesting.
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Overall I loved it. It was amazing. but there was one thing that threw me off. At the end when the female character was talking to the knight/guard you were useing a lot of "so"s for example :

“SO you know the way it is?” I whispered with a small laugh.
He frowned. “SO you were fine to kill him?”
I stifled a sigh. SO he hadn’t been talking about how bodyguards lied to their charge to calm hysterics.

I mean maybe 1 so was fine but that's within three sentences and three "so"s have wiggled there way into your story. It makes it sound modern day and i was under the impression that this is a long time ago. perhaps even in a different world.

your story do what every comes natural.

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hi I'm SOnny and I will giving you a review today :)

I don’t see why we should lose a daughter when guards can do a perfectly good job.”

I groaned from my position outside the door. Despite having saved my father’s life three times, he still doubted my usefulness.
this is a little to passive
I heard nails tapping on wood from inside my father’s study, followed by my mother’s voice. “Kerani has proved invaluable to us. Do you want to take that chance?”

“There hasn’t been a successful assassination attempt in the Imperial Palace in years,” my father said. “A girl able to sense emotion and weapons around her wouldn’t have anything to do.”
What?????/ im lost
“We’re speaking about our daughter’s life!” Mother snapped. “Kerani is our only protection against some power-hungry noble who wants his daughter to marry the Crown Prince.”

“The Emperor has sworn, as his duty as Emperor, to keep all members of his family safe,” Father said. “This includes those who will marry into the family. Kerani’s roll as a protector to her sister would become overshadowed by the guards.”

I cant review the rest. sorry :) overall its okay but not Fabulous

sorry if I was harsj :)

~Sonny
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I've already determined this will be edited (after posting four months ago), and am not looking for feedback at present.

*Locked*
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Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



a little humanity makes all the difference
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