Reprisal - Prologue + Chapter One

REPRISAL
by seeminglymeaningless and Light_Devil



Prologue

“... for if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself for battle?” --- Unknown Author

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Can you tell me a story, Uncle?" Andonis asked, wriggling under the thick covers of his bed until only his eyes peered up over the duvet. A cup of warm milk cooled on the bedside table, a safe distance from the clumsy motor skills of a lively six year old boy, "Something bloody and full of monsters?"

A wind blew in from the open window, and the satin curtains billowed as if alive. A globe of fire illuminated the room with soft glow, casting rounded shadows of the furniture and the men standing at the boy's bed. General John Bane, short and heavy-set with a halo of orange hair looked at him, and then at the boy's father, Gulford Raiet, "What do you think, sire?"

Gulford's eyes had a faraway look to them, and when he spoke, his voice was melodic, the voice of a story-teller; it was deep and reverberated around the room, it held authority and it demanded attention. It was the voice of a king, "It was before dawn, when the grass was misty with dew. A few hours until the sun graced this part of the continent with its kiss of light."

Andonis smiled and sipped at his milk, already drawn into the story.

"The wind bit harshly at unprotected skin, leaving the men drenched in a cold sweat. The gathered army made hardly a sound, save the odd whinny of a horse, or the clink of chainmail."

The king's general gave Gulford a sharp glance and frowned, but he dared not speak. Instead he courteously retrieved a set of chairs for the two of them to sit on, as John Bane knew this story well, and knew it was a long one. Raiet's descriptions were so full and complete that Bane felt as if were there, within the story.

"Huge wooden mechanisms rolled awkwardly across the terrain, their wheels well oiled to avoid breaking the silence, but their joints creaking under their own weight nonetheless. The siege weapons had giant slings that could haul a heavy boulder or body at a wall and crack the masonry or," here he looked at his son, as if wanting whatever was said after to be something he remembered, "if aimed lower, scatter troops. There had been no time to construct catapults that were easier to control and aim; this battle was all about the power of surprise."

"I hope they win." Andonis interrupted, his young face shining with the excitement of the imagined battle, "They win, don't they, father?"

Gulford Raiet didn't reply, but continued his story, "An odd assortment of men, some barely of age, stood at the front of the army. These men were useless, they were the effective meat shield. Unskilled and untrained, simply the product of desperation, their numbers of around one hundred and fifty would amount to a third of that due to their inexperience."

"They would die for nothing?" Gulford inclined his head at the boy's question, "Didn't their king feel bad for sending them to die?"

The king opened his mouth, but before he could speak John interrupted, a scowl on his face, "The King of Hearts, for he was a kind king, had a special motive for this battle, Andonis. It was conceived in his mind as the body of his only son cooled in death, recently murdered - "




"His son was murdered?" The prince whispered, "Why?"

The king, voice slightly strained, avoided the question and pressed on, "The King of Hearts' had a trusted General, known far and wide as Quicksilver, for his lightning reflexes. His General always rode his horse close to his king, not in front of him, presuming to lead, or behind him, presuming to be led, but next to him, as an equal."

General Quicksilver

Bane tilted his head towards Gulford and said, "The king was worried about his choices in battle, laden with grief, and asked his trusted General once and for all if the battle should continue as planned."

Gulford continued effortlessly, "And his trusted General told him thus: We have come too far, your majesty, to turn back now. It will cast doubt amongst the minds of your people about your decisions. And moved his brown mare closer: The last thing we need is a revolt."

"And the King of Hearts agreed. He turned to inspect the army his General had trained to its full potential. Over a hundred footmen, well seasoned and most of them expert with the ways of the sword, walked in formation behind the King of Hearts' “fit and able” men." Bane said.

Andonis yawned, "Where there only footmen in this army? That's boring."

"No," Gulford said, a hint of sadness touched his words, "There were many more men in the army. Half as many archers marched behind them; a good ranged offence unit, and a last line of defence if enemy broke through the waves of footmen. The same amount of pikemen, burdened by their loads of spare pikes should they break, brought up the rear of the grounded army until they had reached their destination, in which case they would spread out and surround the army to take down any mounted units that came their way."

General John Bane took a breath and continued where his king left off, "Two hundred of the finest horsemen of Thrans flanked the walking army. The horses were jittery, nervous of the hushed atmosphere. Their eyes rolled in panic, but they were well-trained not to rear." Bane closed his eyes, "Even the loyal and trusted General Quicksilver wondered if he would survive this battle."

The king of Azuryl hardened his face at the man's words, "The King of Hearts had ordered the attack without the prior planning necessary for such an assault on a well guarded castle, especially so soon after the plague had swept through the kingdom, taking the lives of so many. While it was true that any man would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by... the King of Spades, the hurried formation of the troops and the call to arms by all able men could end up a terrible mistake."




John shook his head, "But the king's men loved him and believed in him, and less than a week later, they were on enemy soil. The valley sloped gently downwards towards the castle in the distance - "

The heir to the throne sat up, "Was there a moat?"

"No," John said, frowning. Andonis pouted, but motioned the man he considered his uncle to continue, "Green trees grew thickly on the slopes, but were prevented from growing near the castle where wide meadows dominated, patched here and there by fields of wheat, just sprouting. Quicksilver could smell spring in the air and tried to cast the thought of him never living to another spring from his mind."

"There were no signs of life this early in the morning. Not even the farmers were stirring. The foreman of the archers nodded, and two scouts emerged from the army to scan the battlefield and bring back any useful knowledge. If possible, they were to take out any potential castle watchmen with the long bows strapped to their backs. The scouts knew they would be lucky if they came back alive." The king said, his face shadowed with regret.

"The scouts had only managed to just reach the trees on either side of the valley when suddenly a hiss!" Andonis jumped in surprised at the shout, "And a loud whack of the first projectile hitting the castle walls triggered consecutive volleys of boulders being hurled. It was clearly a malfunction of the siege machines -- "

"Or a traitor giving away their position." Gulford said in anger.

" -- but the army had been too well trained not to respond to the first sign of battle. Caution was thrown to the wind... The war had begun."

Andonis grinned and slightly bounced on his mattress, enthralled with the story.

"An alarm tolled from the King of Spades' fort, and it wasn’t long before a harried counter army formed at the base of the castle, under makeshift log huts that mostly protected the men from the falling rubble and the piercing bolts of the King of Hearts' archers." Gulford blew air out of his mouth, trying to replicate the sound of arrows cutting through the air, "The King of Hearts roared! He ordered the assault and the meat shield ran forward, their weapons awkwardly hanging in their hands, fear prominent on their faces."

"General Quicksilver watched from his mounted position in front of the cavalry, knowing that the untrained men would die and feeling pity for them, but accepted their sacrifice as the prerequisite to any war. It was the way battles were always started, and it was beyond anyone's psychological ideals to change this when it was so widely accepted and acknowledged. What would a war be without willing sacrifice?" General John Bane eyed Andonis, who nodded at the lesson, but not understanding what Bane was trying to subtly tell him.

"The first row of the conscripted men were shot down from the archers in the towers of the castle; some were set on fire by burning pitch, and the stench of burning flesh filled the air..."

...The second wave of the untrained men reached the enemy army and engaged with cries of fear and anger. The ringing of swords hitting armour, or sliding off weapons that parried and blocked filled the air. Countless men on both sides of the army fell defeated, either by death or a wound. But the King of Hearts' men were pressing forward, overwhelming the enemy forces, forcing the men to push back amongst their own ranks and creating confusion.

Fuelled by the small advance, the General ordered the footmen, with once shouted command, to charge into the chaos. The more experienced men were quickly making small time of the enemy, slaughtering those that stood in their way and crippling those that tried to flee. The stench of excrement, exposed organs, sweat, blood and death hung heavy in the soldiers nostrils. Bodies of both man and beast littered the battlefield in various states of wholeness.

The archers on the battlements continued to fire volley after volley of arrows into the battle, often injuring their own forces in the bid to eliminate the King of Hearts' men. But his army had managed to reach the outskirts of the castle, and the General sent the second wave of swordsmen forward, followed by the cavalry, and the pikemen on either side. The swordsmen charged into battle, swinging their blades in a deadly dance of death. The horsemen galloped in almost heedlessly, sensing the victory that was so tantalisingly close.

But then the spikes in the covered trenches came up, and the entire wave of cavalry fell with screaming horses and stunned men.The King of Hearts' men became effectively divided; the swordsmen, what remained of the meat shield and some pikemen faced the enemy army at the base of the castle alone. Most of the cavalry had lost their horses to the spikes and were forced to rely on their limited weapons training. The other half of the army, which consisted of the most of the pikemen, knights that were in the second wave and hadn't been taken out by the trap and the archers milled about in utter confusion. Adding to this turmoil was the fact that the General had become separated from his King. The army was not only divided by force, but by leader.

Realizing in a pain-inducing split-second epiphany that he had been tricked, that this wasn’t a “sneak siege” to the enemy, the King of Hearts called a retreat, his war horn blazing loud and desperate amongst the sounds of battle. The footmen fended off stunning blows from the soldiers that poured out from the castle, and attempted to make its way back to their king through the small force of men who had risen the spikes from the trenches. But it was clear that the attacking army was losing men quicker by trying to flee. The army had lost its cohesion. The confusion of the sudden imbalance regarding who had been winning threw the men into a mental free-fall where the only conscious focus was to escape.

A trumpet sounded from the castle, and two halves of the enemy’s cavalry descended from the forest of trees either side of the battle, effectively bottle-necking what remained of the King of Hearts' divided army, cutting any possible attempts to flee. The enemy cavalry flanked, the archers tried to defend their king, and the pikemen took down most of the horses.

The King of Spades fought amongst his men, laughing with glee, and the King of Hearts' own heart sank as he realized how much of a mistake he had made, under-estimating the enemy; acting out of passion and from the heart instead of thinking from the head. The battle was his fault, and he threw himself into fighting with vigour and rage and self-derision. His General finally made it to his side, and the two men made a formidable image. Blood splattered, appendages flew, curses were slung and many men fought like heroes. But any hope of escape dwindled to nothing...

"They lost?" Andonis whispered, as the story trailed to an uneasy pause.

The king and his general shared a glance, "The battle had been lost."

* * *

It was past noon; the sun high in the sky, the heat radiating off the overturned soil in hazy waves. The sparse scattering of clouds gave respite from harsh light, however brief. The trampled grass was dry and brittle, and the once peaceful meadow was not the way it had been, only days earlier, now ravaged and desolate.

There was not a movement to be seen across the valley besides the odd patch of burning pitch, the flames dancing to a music of their own, or where the wind played with stalks of tall, seed-heavy weeds. The cobblestone castle, only metres away, stood almost mockingly, the drawbridge down, the archers in the towers watching with their bows drawn in the eerie silence.

“Addsett!" The cry startled some crows that had begun to feast on the entails of a soldier's open stomach, "Peace. I declare peace! Allow us to safely retreat!” King Gulford Raiet yelled across the body-strewn battlefield, his voice echoing off the ridges and trenches.

His army standard flickered in the wind, held up by the flag bearer; or rather, impaled in the boy’s stomach. The coppery smell of blood tickled his nose, and King Gulford knew his blonde beard was heavy with the blood of his victims. His broadsword rested against his knee, rusty from the fighting, the poisonous slime that encrusted the blade was probably the cause of most of his later kills as it sunk into flesh. His armour was dented in places, the bent metal rubbing across the chainmail underneath, aggravating the bruises on his skin.

The king hefted himself up and peered over the dirt mound in the general direction of where he expected the reply. His army general lay on the ground beside him, outwardly hardened, but devastated by the loss of his men. The man’s double-sided axe was chipped, and his gloves were nearly worn all the way through, but despite his weariness, he waved a blood-stained white rag in the air.

A golden crown soon surfaced amongst the trodden mud and blood of no-man’s land, and King Harrison Addsett smirked down at his rival, “You, the King of Azuryl, willingly admit defeat, Gulford?”

They were surprisingly close enough to make out the minute details of each other's well known faces. Gulford's greying blonde hair, drenched in blood, weary green eyes; Harrison's dark hair seemingly not a strand out of place, triumphant eyes so dark brown it was almost hard to distinguish the pupil from the iris. But most important was the smug grin of satisfaction on King Addsett's clean face that rubbed King Raiet the wrong way. And the knowledge that Gulford had let his ancestors down with the loss of this battle. The war between the Azuryl and Cruciot kingdoms had been waging before the scribes had started to record history.

Before the Azuryl king could help himself, he asked, "How did you - ?"

Harrison laughed lightly, "You did what any man would do if his son was murdered. It was easy to predict that you'd attack Ypoc, and it only too a few days to prepare the battle field." He nodded in the direction of the trees, "Creating small clearings for my cavalry to hide in, and pathways only blocked by light foliage allowed them to easily burst out of the thicket and confound your troops." The king gestured to the rows of spikes and the impaled horses and men upon them, an unsavoury shish-kebab, "Your scouts didn't get the opportunity to reveal the trenches because of the traitors I had in your army, a man who served his purpose when he launched the first projectile at the castle walls."

King Raiet felt rage and despair coil in his stomach, "And the conscripted men on my army didn't know how to look out for ground that rings hollow, and my swordsmen were too elated at the thought of victory to notice."

"Yes, you failed, and now you readily admit defeat to me."

Gulford ground his teeth until his jaw ached and didn’t reply until General John Bane nudged him, “Aye, and I'm willing to make an oath, a King's Vow that I will not raise my army against your forces." He paused, "But I demand we have your son as a failsafe as we leave this cursed valley.” He met Harrison's unfathomably dark eyes, "After we are a safe distance away, I will personally cut the ropes from your son and leave him to be collected."

There was a small pause as the other king considered the man's wishes, “I could slaughter you and what remains of your army right now, in the name of war, and conquer your country and raid your coffers." He narrowed his eyes, "What would stop me?"

"There is honour even amongst thieves." When Harrison didn't rise to the bait, the king of Azuryl steeled his will, "I will give you half my land, without the need for any more fighting."

"And I could kill you all now and claim all of your land as mine."

"I promise you first pick in anything that my country trades," Gulford swallowed his pride, "and I will allow your troops to make use of the Stillway."

Harrison Addsett tilted his head, suddenly interested, "You would give me access to the Stillway?"

General Bane forced down the bile in his throat as his king nodded. It was dangerous to use the paths of the Stillway, but having access to the Bazynteen artefact would give the Cruciot king a huge advantage in his war efforts.

"You and what remains of your army will retreat and never set foot in my country again?”

“Aye." The King Raiet said warily, "On your son’s head, though, should you betray this treaty. Everyone alive has heard me promise my part, will you allow this war to cease?”

He didn't answer for several moments, making the hairs on the back of Gulford's neck rise with warning. Abruptly King Harrison turned and beckoned a finger at his standard bearer, who was white with fear, and slick with sweat. The pole trembled in his hands.

"Go forth and fetch my youngest son, Thilyp." All who heard could not believe the monumental decision the cruel king had made; to sacrifice the chance to wipe out the entirety of what remained of the Azuryl army. Even the most lowly of footmen remained unconvinced of the king's intent.

The standard bearer nodded meekly, mounted one of the last remaining mares and fled to the nearby castle. The King of Azuryl watched the man in green and blue livery disappear into the distance and sighed, "I'm sorry to have put you through another war, John." He wiped at the blood that dripped into his eye, "It was another show of bad judgement on my behalf. I thought we had the upper hand on them, this time."

John hid his frown behind his helmet, "It cannot be helped now, my king. What is done is done."

"If only I had listened to you - "

Trumpets sounded from the top of the battlements of the castle as the standard bearer returned with the youngest prince of Cruciot wrapped in a blanket, a small circlet of gold around the boy's head. King Harrison didn't even so much as spare his son a glance as the man got off his horse and nervously handed the child over to General Bane. Everyone watching expected the deliverer to be attacked at the last second.

The remaining troops of Azuryl and the six times as large in force army of Cruciot watched on, holding their breaths, knowing that if anything went wrong, they would have to fight once again. Men shifted awkwardly, trying to stay in position, others twitched; their hands hovering over the hilts of their weapons and then dropping back by their sides, repeating the cycle over and over.

King Harrison laughed and said to King Gulford, "You weren't expecting us to flank you from behind and cut you off from fleeing, were you?"

The other King grimaced, "It was something new that we weren't ready for."

Harrison gestured and the entire force of his army reformed to the side of the valley, "You may go."

General Bane's suspicion heightened and he tightened his hold on the infant in his arms, "My lord, this doesn't look or feel right. It's too easy."

Gulford inclined his head slightly towards his old friend, "I get the same feeling, but there is nothing we can do if we want some survivors from this awful battle."

Slowly what remained of Gulford's legion assembled themselves in front of the intimidating army. Gulford and John advanced to the front of the army of around seventy wounded men, some of them supported by their allies. The king and his general were the only two left on horses; the entire cavalry lost when men in trenches rose hidden rows of stakes for the horses to impale themselves on. The Cruciot army followed close behind, with the king in the lead.

King Harrison laughed as the small army marched away, some of the men not daring to look back. Just before the entirety of King Gulford's army crested the hill, Harrison shouted, "This will make sure your empire will lack men of any fighting age for a long time!" And the single toot of a hunting horn spelled doom for Gulford's soldiers.

"Traitor!" Gulford cried, defending himself with his sword, the feeling of dread and utter sadness upon his heart, "Murderer!" Arrows from the battlements flew like deadly rain upon the Azuryl men, some of the arrows ablaze with burning pitch.

The general urged his horse up to his king, fighting to reach him, "We must flee! You must survive, your highness."

The king angrily spat in a voice loud enough to carry over the sounds of men dying and the clang of swords, "You give up your own son for this dishonour! You are filth, Addsett!"

King Harrison chuckled, his laughter like a bell ringing in Gulford's ears, an alarm - a warning - sounding at the back of the his mind. Time stood still, frozen, as the two Kings' eyes met, clashing like the blades of the warriors around them. A smile curled up onto Harrison's face and in less than a whisper, though Gulford heard it with stinging clarity, remarked, "One life for a war won? Common sense.”

Gulford couldn't bear to look into the man's eyes any longer, the amount of animosity and violence radiating from them burned him. He glanced away, sadly absorbing the details of the battle within the space of a second. Surrounding him was a field of crimson grass. Men – old, young, married, single, with children, barren – both his and his enemies, sprawled upon the ground, not moving, except for the occasional post-mortem twitch, swords or arrows impaling their bodies. Curdling screams of pain echoed across the dwindling battlefield. The subject of Gulford’s eyes was none of this; it was simply and plainly the waste of life.

A minute tear, unknown, formed in his eye and trailed slowly down his cheek. He had not wanted this. Gulford closed his eyes, taking in a deep death, attempting to destroy the image forever burned into retinas. He knew, even as he tried so very hard to forget, he would always remember this. Always.

The metallic screech of two bloody swords clanging as they met together in a series of blows near the King of Azuryl abruptly snapped him out of his reverie. It was at that moment in time he also noticed that something was tugging at his arm. He listlessly turned his head to see General Bane was yanking violently at his sleeve, screaming obscenities and what appeared to be nonsense into his King's ear.

"We must flee. Now!"

Gulford silently nodded, one slow bob of his head as he gained his bearings. He held at bay the grief and muttered under his breath in a whisper filled with self-loathing, "Then run like cowards we shall."

>>>>>>>>>>>>Continue Reading: Chapter One Here<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

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Edited with ninjacookiemonster's (20/07), Kiwisatsuma's (21/07), brassnbridle's and Skin's (22/07), Firestarter's (24/07) advice, RachaelElg's advice and iceprincess's (04/08) advice, Kiwisatsuma's and Bickazer's (05/08) and edited extensively with my own changes (26/08) to add pictures. There are more pictures to come. The other characters get pictures as they are introduced. If you want an idea of how much this story has progressed, simply read the first comment. That quote was the original story in all it's failure. Oh, and I changed Harry's name to Harrison. Harry means "army power, or ruler of the army", so believe it or not, King Harry actually fit no matter how ridiculous it sounded.

Chapter One is on page 3.

Ayo! I'm Ninja, and your reviewer for now.

My corrections

It was before dawn, when the grass was misty with dew. A few hours until the sun was scheduled to grace this part of the continent with its kiss of light. The gathered army made hardly a sound, bar the odd whinny of a horse, or the clink of chainmail. Huge wooden mechanisms rolled awkwardly across the terrain, their wheels well oiled to avoid breaking the silence. The siege weapons had giant slings that could haul a heavy boulder or body at a wall and crack the masonry, or, if aimed lower, scatter troops.

An odd assortment of men, some barely of age, stood at the front of the army; the effective meat shield. Unskilled and untrained, they were simply the product of desperation, and their numbers of around one hundred and fifty would amount to a third of that due to their inexperience. Over a hundred footmen, well seasoned and most of them expert with the ways of the sword walked in formation behind Bazynteen’s “fit and able” men, their weapons unsheathed. Half as many archers marched behind them, a last resort if they were needed. The same amount of pikemen, burdened by their loads of spare lances should they break, brought up the rear of the grounded army.

Two hundred of the finest horsemen of Thrans flanked the walking army, their horses jittery, their eyes rolling. Heading the army were two men, one with a crown atop his head, and the other with a halo of orange hair.

The valley sloped gently downwards towards the castle in the distance. Trees grew thickly on the slopes, but were prevented from growing near the castle where wide meadows dominated, patched here and there by fields of wheat, just sprouting.

The were no signs of life this early in the morning. Not even the farmers were stirring. A hiss and a loud whack of the first projectile hitting the castle walls triggered consecutive volleys of boulders being hurled.

The war had begun.

An alarm tolled from the castle of Cruciot, and it wasn’t long before a seemingly harried counter army formed at the base of the castle, under makeshift log huts that mostly protected the men from the falling rubble.

The attacking king roared and the meat shield ran forward, their weapons awkwardly hanging in their hands. The first row was shot down from the archers in the towers of the castle; some were set on fire by burning pitch. The second wave reached the enemy army and engaged.

The general ordered the footmen to advance, followed by the cavalry. The swordsmen charged into battle, swinging their blades in a deadly dance of death. The horsemen galloped in, sensing victory.

The spikes in the covered trenches came up, and the entire wave of cavalry fell. Realizing that he had been tricked, that this wasn’t a “sneak siege” to the enemy, the King called a retreat. The footmen fended off stunning blows, and attempted to make its way back to their king through the small force of men who had risen the spikes.

A trumpet sounded from the castle, and two halves of the enemy’s cavalry descended from the forest of trees, effectively bottle-necking what remained of the Bazynteen’s army. The enemy cavalry flanked, the archers tried to defend their king, and the pikemen took down most of the horses, but the battle had been lost.

Okay, done with the nitpicks. I think this was an overall good piece, well written, certainly, but something was lacking here that I can't pinpoint. I think you told rather than showed, which, though a bold attempt, may not have been the best choice. I do appreciate this piece, though, and I do think this was, as earlier said, well written.

Hey NinjaCookieMonster, thank you for the review.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:some barely of age

I knew it sounded repetitive, but I couldn't think of a way to fix it.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:Realizing that he had been tricked

lol, cheers for picking that up.

ninjacookiemonster wrote:Something was lacking here that I can't pinpoint. I think you told rather than showed, which, though a bold attempt, may not have been the best choice. I do appreciate this piece, though, and I do think this was, as earlier said, well written.

Hmm, do you have any advice to how I'd be able "show" as opposing to how I've told? I'm honestly serious, I'm not being sarcastic, any suggestions about how to improve my writing is always taken with absolute openness.

Hello there

I like this and I think you described the army really well at the beginning. I would suggest a few changes:

An odd assortment of men, some barely of age, stood at the front of the army; the effective meat shield.

I think this might work better if you had a colon instead of a semi-colon, because 'the effective meat shield' sort of sums up what you're describing in the first part of the sentence.

Two hundred of the finest horsemen of Thrans flanked the walking army, their horses jittery, their eyes rolling.

This is a little confusing because it sounds like it's the horsemen's eyes that are rolling, when I assume it's meant to be the horses.

The only real problem I can see is that you spend several paragraphs setting it up and then the actual battle is over extremely quickly, especially in the last paragraph. While I'm not saying you should drag it out, I do think you should spend a bit longer describing what happened.

The enemy cavalry flanked, the archers tried to defend their king, and the pikemen took down most of the horses, but the battle had been lost.

With this last sentence I was like, woah, it's over already? Maybe if you had 'The battle had been lost.' as a short sentence on its own at the end it would sound more final and less rushed. That's just a suggestion but I think you definitely need to change this part.

If you're looking at it as the introduction to a novel, I probably would keep reading but it doesn't really grab my interest. While starting with an exciting battle is a good idea and you introduce the setting well, you don't introduce any characters or give any hint as to what might happen in the rest of the book. It reads more like a standalone piece. I see what you're saying about having a detached feel, like a report, but a book has to center around characters, (well I suppose it doesn't have to but they almost invariably do) and it would make sense if you introduced your characters. I suppose it would be different if this was meant to be a prologue more than a first chapter, but still, I think that if you, say, focused on one particular character and described their experience of the battle for part of it it would feel more immediate and draw people in more. I don't think you could keep the report style going for an entire novel and keep it interesting.

I have no idea about military stratagies but I think a few hundred seems quite small for an army - they often number several thousand. But then, I really don't know about that.

Overall, though, this is really well written and I hope you write more of it

Kiwisatsuma wrote:I think this might work better if you had a colon instead of a semi-colon, because 'the effective meat shield' sort of sums up what you're describing in the first part of the sentence.

You're absolutely right, it makes more sense that way.

Kiwisatsuma wrote:it sounds like it's the horsemen's eyes that are rolling, when I assume it's meant to be the horses.

Does this sound better? "Two hundred of the finest horsemen of Thrans flanked the walking army. The horses were jittery, nervous of the hushed atmosphere. Their eyes rolled in panic, but they were well-trained not to rear."

Kiwisatsuma wrote:The only real problem I can see is that you spend several paragraphs setting it up and then the actual battle is over extremely quickly, especially in the last paragraph. I was like, Woah, it's over already? While I'm not saying you should drag it out, I do think you should spend a bit longer describing what happened.

I understand what you mean, and I agree that it might be a bit blunt. I was aiming to show how hard the Bayznteen army was hit, how quickly it was conquered. The preparation put into turning up (all the descriptions of the army) with the forces juxtaposed, I thought, the shortness of the battle.

Kiwisatsuma wrote:Maybe if you had 'The battle had been lost.' as a short sentence on its own at the end it would sound more final and less rushed.

Yes, I can see how it needs to be more final. I really did want the reader to believe that the army had been entirely overwhelmed - did I convey that?

Kiwisatsuma wrote:While starting with an exciting battle is a good idea and you introduce the setting well, you don't introduce any characters or give any hint as to what might happen in the rest of the book.

It wasn't meant to be an exciting battle. It was meant to be. Just be. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I wanted the reader to just read it as it was: a huge loss of lives. There are no characters right now, because the next part introduces the man with the crown, and the orange-haired general. Basically the next part immediately describes, in proper detail how the fight ended. The detached feel of the beginning was deliberate to make the actual after effects of the battle more horrifying. I guess without the second half of the battle, the first half seems stand alone.

Kiwisatsuma wrote:I think that if you, say, focused on one particular character and described their experience of the battle for part of it it would feel more immediate and draw people in more.

That's a really interesting idea. The problem is, I'd have to have the king or the general as this character, because they end up being the only people of the Bazynteen army who survive, and I don't know if their take on the battle would be what I want to portray. I don't want the battle scene to be biased in either favour. As far as the reader knows, the attacking army could be the bad guys in this story, and I wanted to keep it that way. Have you got any suggestions on how to keep bias out of the battle? I imagine a swordsman for the Bazynteen army would be self-righteous in his belief that they were doing the right thing.

Kiwisatsuma wrote:I don't think you could keep the report style going for an entire novel and keep it interesting.

Oh, definitely not. It was hard enough to write the beginning in that style.

Kiwisatsuma wrote:I have no idea about military stratagies but I think a few hundred seems quite small for an army - they often number several thousand.

You're thinking Lord of the Rings epic war This is between two kingdoms. Though, when I do think about the wars of late in our world (ie, WWII), I'm reminded of the vastness of it. This era I'm writing in is the Middle Ages, or thereabouts.

Thanks for the review, Kiwi

No problem I haven't got much experience at reviewing so I hope I'm not doing too badly.

The problem is, I'd have to have the king or the general as this character, because they end up being the only people of the Bazynteen army who survive

Well, you could have someone who dies in the battle. But I see what you mean about wanting to avoid bias and the only way I can think of to get round that is to tell a bit from the perspective of someone on one side and then a bit from someone on the other side which you probably don't want to do.

You're thinking Lord of the Rings epic war

Yeah, I was. XD I suppose it was very different in medieval times.

It wasn't meant to be an exciting battle. It was meant to be. Just be. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I wanted the reader to just read it as it was: a huge loss of lives.

Ohh, okay. I see what you're saying and when you have the second part to contrast with it it does work much better. To be honest you don't really see the huge loss of lives in the first part because the description is so short, but you've covered that in the next section, so, yeah.

I really like the second part by the way. Harry's such a creep

I'm a bit confused about the second part. You said everybody died aside from the king and the general, who sound like their yelling back and forth with the king of the castle/city, who has just completely crushed their army. Therefore, this Harry would have the upperhand- why would he give them his son as a failsafe, when he could just send another troop of men or even order his archers to finish off his enemy? The way I saw it, his kingdom was just attacked, so unless Gulford has some sort of hold over Harry, Harry has no reason other than the goodness of his heart (which he doesn't seem to have) to let them go. Sorry if this comes across as harsh, I'm really not trying to be. Maybe I missed something, but i would add to this part, to give some reason behind it.
Also, i would like to mention, the first part. Archers are usually at the back or flanks of an army, especially a small one, so the footsoldiers can engage and keep the enemy at bay while the archers pour volley after volley into the ranks of the enemy. If the archers are your last resort, they're doomed, because archers aren't usually very well armed or armored, because their not supposed to be in close combat. Unless, of course, the archers in your story are, which changes everything. Other than that, I thought the battle was very good. Let me know if you have any questions.
Good luck!

Heyaaa

I'm here to review as requested. You've already got some really good reviews here so I'll try my best not to repeat what's already been said unless I think that it's really necessary. I'll start off with any grammatical errors or nit-picks that I notice, if I can find any, that is.


First Part

The siege weapons had giant slings that could haul a heavy boulder or body at a wall and crack the masonry, or, if aimed lower, scatter troops.

You don't need the comma that I highlighted here.

Over a hundred footmen, well seasoned and most of them expert with the ways of the sword, walked in formation behind Bazynteen’s “fit and able” men, their weapons unsheathed.

There were no signs of life this early in the morning.

Do you mean 'There'?

But the battle had been lost.

I don't really like sentences that start with but. I think that this would actually be more effective if you simply started this with 'The' instead of 'But'.


Second Part

A golden crown soon surfaced amongst the trodden mud and blood of no-man’s land, and King Harry Addsett smirked down at his rival of fifty years, “Do you willingly admit defeat, Gulford?”

The dialogue sounds a lot more formal like this and Kings do tend to be formal.

But most important was the smug grin of satisfaction on King Addsett's clean face that rubbed King Raiet the wrong way.

Meh... But again.

Gulford ground his teeth until his jaw ached and didn’t reply until John Bane nudged him, “Aye, but I demand we have your son as a failsafe as we leave this cursed valley.”

Overall

As a whole, I certainly think that this is a pretty good piece of writing. My favourite thing about it is probably your descriptions. I was very glad to see that you were showing us readers what was going on, not simply telling us. Showing and not telling is very important when it comes to describing things, specially things like action scenes. It makes the scene more exciting and interesting and your readers own't get bored easily. You also came up with some really nice, unique imagery. When it comes to your characters, I like them. We only really know King Harry so far, but from what I can tell of him, he seems like an interesting character. When it comes to the plot, there isn't a really, really clear one at the moment, but that's okay. It's only the beginning of the story, after all. There are a few things that I can see happening in this though, so that's good. When it comes to your spelling and grammar, it was very good. I only found a few grammatical errors in this and I didn't find any spelling mistakes.

My main critique for this is probably that it was rather confusing at times. I'm not sure whether it's just me, but I found this quite hard to understand exactly. It's most likely because you've written it in a detached kind of style. I can't really pinpoint on why exactly I'm finding it confusing though, to be honest. I think that I'm just bad at understanding this kind of style of writing. What confuses me, I think, is actually the second part of this. It seems like a rather sudden jump from the first part. One second, everyone is fighting and the next, the battle has ended. I also feel that the second part seems to be a bit rushed. I would actually like you to expand the scene a bit more. Give us readers some time to take into account what's going on. You shouldn't be worried about making the part too long or too short. Stop writing when you feel as though you've said what you've wanted to say and try your best not to rush things. The main problem with rushing things is the fact that it can make what you're writing a bit confusing for the readers.

I don't really have much else to say about this... anything that I would have said has already been said by other reviewers. All that you need to do now is to take into consideration hat we've said and maybe edit this up a bit. If you do that, you could certainly have a really great beginning here. Sorry this review hasn't been very helpful... I suck at reviewing things like this. You have gotten plenty of good reviews though, so you should be fine!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

Kiwisatsuma:

Well, you could have someone who dies in the battle. But I see what you mean about wanting to avoid bias and the only way I can think of to get round that is to tell a bit from the perspective of someone on one side and then a bit from someone on the other side which you probably don't want to do.

I'm starting to believe that I should totally scrap the beginning all together Or at least rewrite it from a different point of view. Do you think it'd read better if it's from the point of view of General Bane?

To be honest you don't really see the huge loss of lives in the first part because the description is so short, but you've covered that in the next section, so, yeah.

Hmm, if I end up rewriting this to make more sense, I'll definitely try and add more. . . for lack of a better word, death.

I really like the second part by the way. Harry's such a creep

Yes, yes he is. He really is a creep.

Thanks for the second review

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brassnbridle:

I'm a bit confused about the second part. You said everybody died aside from the king and the general, who sound like their yelling back and forth with the king of the castle/city, who has just completely crushed their army. Therefore, this Harry would have the upperhand- why would he give them his son as a failsafe, when he could just send another troop of men or even order his archers to finish off his enemy?

See, this is what I wanted to hear. I didn't know if I was going to be able to pass this off the way it was. Your argument makes absolute sense, why would Harry let them go? Originally I had Harry loosing way more of his army to the battle, so that the remaining forces almost equalled each other, in favour Harry's favour, of course. The marching down the column of soldiers would ensure everyone died.

However, because I altered the battle, it does seem strange that Harry agreed to Gulford's peace treaty, even though Harry did end up betraying that truce. Do you have any suggestions to making this seem more realistic? I was going to mention something about "honour even amongst thieves".

EDIT! Ooops! No, of course not only Gulford and the General survived, lol. There were about 50 or so men left of the Bayznteen army + the king and the general, before the child was handed over. I obviously need to make this more clear

The way I saw it, his kingdom was just attacked, so unless Gulford has some sort of hold over Harry, Harry has no reason other than the goodness of his heart (which he doesn't seem to have) to let them go.

That's a really interesting idea in terms of plot development. I'm sure I could dig something up. . . but I don't know if Harry would be swayed by Gulford that way. In fact, the whole thing doesn't really work, considering Harry's character Seems like there are some major flaws in this story. Thanks for picking up on them

Archers are usually at the back or flanks of an army, especially a small one, so the footsoldiers can engage and keep the enemy at bay while the archers pour volley after volley into the ranks of the enemy.

I did have the archers at the back of the army. . . or at least I thought I did. Nope, you're right, they are, for some reason, in front of the pikemen. The pikemen, of course, should be closer to the front, to take down any cavalry. I shall change that.

If the archers are your last resort, they're doomed, because archers aren't usually very well armed or armored, because their not supposed to be in close combat. Unless, of course, the archers in your story are, which changes everything.

Nope, they are normal archers, purely for defence - can be used offensively, but I imagine crossbowmen would be better suited, despite the longer reload time. The archers, of course, died quite quickly when the battle became hand to hand fighting; I didn't mean the sentence to sound as if the archers were the strongest unit Only that if given the chance, they would defend the army from oncoming forces the best they could.

You seem quite informed about medieval battles. Did you notice anything else I got wrong? Have any suggestions that would make the battle more realistic?

Thanks for pointing out the strategy mistakes I made

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Skins:

My main critique for this is probably that it was rather confusing at times. I'm not sure whether it's just me, but I found this quite hard to understand exactly. What confuses me, I think, is actually the second part of this. It seems like a rather sudden jump from the first part. One second, everyone is fighting and the next, the battle has ended.

I wasn't quite aiming to confuse the reader If the sudden transition muddles the mind, then I'm going to have to soften it somehow.

I also feel that the second part seems to be a bit rushed. I would actually like you to expand the scene a bit more. Give us readers some time to take into account what's going on.

Wow, I never really gave thought to whether I had rushed through it - I actually was worried it was too long! I didn't want to bore the reader with overly-done descriptions and scene setting. A friend of mine said, "You have so many descriptions, but I'm just not seeing it." Which I took to mean, "Allow for the readers to image things themselves!" I'm not quite sure which path to travel now: more descriptions, or less?

All that you need to do now is to take into consideration hat we've said and maybe edit this up a bit.

I've certainly been doing that All of the comments I've received I have considered and taken up.

Thank you, Skins, for taking the time to review my work

-------------------------

I'll be editing my story just as soon as I finish reading this absolutely fantastic fan fiction It's just amazing.

You could replace the archers with crossbowmen if you feel like it, just know that, while crossbows are easier to learn, they have a significantly shorter range than one can get with a longbow or recurve bow.

Hey seeminglymeaningless,

Without wanting to sound too conceited, here's a link to an article I made about writing battle scenes. The reason I'm doing this is because I think it can help you improve this into something more. There's a section in there about how battle scenes are often better shown through the eyes of one person, rather than an omniscient narrator, because the reader feels more involved. Otherwise it can become a bit of a stale "battle report" type story, and isn't interesting.

In terms of accuracy, I picked up a few things:

The same amount of pikemen, burdened by their loads of spare lances should they break, brought up the rear of the grounded army.

Pikemen would always be at the front, often the flanks, of a formation. This is because their main purpose is to stop cavalry. Since cavalry often attacks the flanks, it is common tactical sense to have them there. As a defensive, slow unit, being at the back is exactly where they wouldn't be. You don't keep them in reserve. They also didn't have spare lances, and they're called pikes. Lances are what you use on horseback. Pikes are so heavy you couldn't carry more than one. Believe me. If their pikes broke they'd resort to a back-up sword.

Another problem I had was with how the Bayznteen (which sounds exactly like Byzantine in my head) didn't seem to have scouted the battlefield at all. They were gung-ho and failed to take account of cavalry on their flanks. It seemed suicidal.

I also agree with whoever said there should be more soldiers in the battle. i think you replied by saying this isn't LOTR, and you're basing it in the Middle Ages. Fair point -- but, at the Battle of Crecy, for example, in 1346, the French had 35,000 men and the English had 10,000. Even the at the Battle of Hastings almost three hundred years earlier each side had 8000 men. There were plenty of big set-piece battles during the Middle Ages period.

They'd have to be really, really small kingdoms if the Kings are only leading hundreds of men. I'd say this kind of battle seemed to me to be more of a baronial conflict, between two medium landowners fighting over something more trivial.

Anyway, like I said, there needs to be more involvement in the first part. The second part does include characters, but I'd prefer it to be a more limited POV through the whole thing. I think you could get some good things out of my article, it's pretty long but covers a lot of things.

Good luck.

brassnbridle:

You could replace the archers with crossbowmen if you feel like it, just know that, while crossbows are easier to learn, they have a significantly shorter range than one can get with a longbow or recurve bow.

Crossbows have shorter ranges, but have more impact, more force. If you can get the trajectory right, then they are actually slightly easier to use than arrows. A skilled archer can aim for a sole warrior in a battle field, predict possible movements, and still strike the man down. Most of the archers in battles, I think, aim at the enemy and hope for the best

But no, I don't think I'll be changing the archers to crossbowmen. I might add some crossbowmen in, but I don't know if it would work as well. Hmm, I'd have to really think about it.

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Firestarter:

First, thank you for the link to your battles topic. It was humorous, and a very good read. I declare myself guilty of many of the things you advise not to do; I didn't research enough, my motives for the battle weren't cohesive or even really visible ("A lot of the time I see battles that are written simply for the sake of thinking, “ZOMG! COOL! People die and stuff.” Erm, don’t do that."), and my army arrangements weren't correct.

Second, thanks for the review. It was actually a toss-up between asking you or Skins for a review, and I went with Skins, as I thought you would perhaps be too busy, and Skins seemed to rather enjoy critiquing crazily

Battle scenes are often better shown through the eyes of one person, rather than an omniscient narrator, because the reader feels more involved. Otherwise it can become a bit of a stale "battle report" type story, and isn't interesting.

Was it uninteresting to you? The truth behind the whole beginning scene is that originally it was a small paragraph in the actual novel after the battle - it was a brief summary that I expanded upon. Luckily enough, I printed off a copy before I edited it, so you can read the horrors of what it once was. Basically I made one of my friends read it, and when they got up to the small summary, they tore it to shreds about it being unrealistic (the first two paragraphs still survive in my novel, the red text is (word-for-pitiful-word) the summary that infuriated my friend).

Spoiler

The battle was scarcely mentioned in the country of Bazynteen except in whispers; it was a tragic loss of lives and to speak of it was said to bring about the same bad luck to the family of whoever uttered a word about the ill decision of the King to attack his rival. When the battle was discussed long enough to satisfy the gossipers taste for rumours, it became widely known that the King had ordered the attack without the prior planning necessary for such an assault on a well guarded castle, especially so soon after the plague had swept through the kingdom, taking the lives of so many already.

While it was true that any man would want revenge over the murder of his only son and heir by a mercenary who confessed on the rack that he had been hired by King Harry, the hurried formation of the troops and the call to arms by all able men was a terrible mistake.

Of course the King of Cruciot had planned for this "sneak siege", and had organised a trap that effectively bottle-necked Gulford's army; it was like lambs to the slaughter. Harry had his men dig trenches and disguise them, he had archers manning the towers with pitch ready to be set on fie, his cavalry were awaiting the blast of a trumpet to singal when they should flank and cut off Gulford's army from escape. While King Raiet's army was out-numbered 3 to 1, and the victims of a surprise attack, a good half of King Harry's regiment was destroyed by Gulford's well-trained army.

You can see why I was compelled to make the battle more. . . realistic.

I've stolen your summary from your awesome guide, and tried to address them below regarding my own battle.

1. Plan and research. Make details of each army, understand what’s going to happen during the day, make drawings for each key moment, research weapons and tactics and historical battles similar to yours. If you’re doing history, make sure you get everything right. Read different sources. Integrate technical details, but don’t info-dump.

I must say, I did some research, but I didn't research much into previous real battles, basing most of my knowledge off of other battles I had read, or my own imagination. I can see how having a real background to fall back on would be an extreme advantage, and I'll certainly update my battle scenes with that in mind.

2. Understand your conflicts and how the battle affects them. Make your characters have clear goals and make sure they’re motivated. Work the battle into the plot, making sure it has a good purpose. Make it dramatic.

I know you can't help me with this, considering the fact that you don't know the whole story, and I don't know the whole story yet. The battle needs to occur. Because, whether it is predictable or not, King Gulford does get King Harry's son, King Harry betrays the treaty and murders the remaining soldiers in cold blood, Gulford and Bane escape with the youngest son of Cruciot, and Gulford finds that he can't kill the child.

There would be no story if the child wasn't given over to King Gulford. The battle and the truce and its conditions were the only ways it seemed to work, and believe it or not, this actual scenario occurred in real history. Two rivals, one sacrifices his son to win the battle, the son is taken under the other king's wing and grows up knowing his father betrayed him.

Obviously my plot doesn't follow those lines - only the beginning is similar.

3. Make it personal. Use your MC’s POV, whether it is one or two. Don’t do omniscient. Make your reader care; make real soldiers. Make your reader empathise with your character stuck in the midst of a bloody battle.

See, here's where I disagree. I might be wrong, hell, I'm probably wrong, but I wanted the reader not to care. That's why it was sort of a report. It was meant to contrast heavily with the second part, which is overly descriptive about the bloody battle, with lots of empathy for King Gulford and his lost army of real soldiers.

4. Consider your mood, whether it is gritty or dreamy. Stick to your style or your novel’s style. Think of pace, mix fast and slow together for the best effect. Use dramatic effect to introduce tension and suspense – swop between scenes for cliffhangers. Use short sentences between long sentences. Make it realistic. Don’t hold back. Let people die.

Well. It surely wasn't a cliffhanger, was it? But that was the point. You were meant to know what happened until that point of time when the battle was lost. The actual novel is about the after effects of that battle, not the battle itself. It's probably not the best attempt of foreshadowing I've conjured, but I thought it worked Evidently not

5. Make sure your wrap it all up at the end; show how goals and conflicts have ended up.

See, this is the problem here. This battle really had no goal in the beginning - the reader doesn't know what's going on. I'm beginning to think that I'm going to have to push the beginning even further back. Or forwards, however you want to look at it.

Would you prefer the battle in King Gulford's point of view? His mind in turmoil about his recently assassinated son? Plagued by flashbacks of the boy growing up as the present Gulford hacks into bodies, screaming? Now that I write it, it does have a certain appeal, huh.

In terms of accuracy, I picked up a few things: Pikemen would always be at the front, often the flanks, of a formation. This is because their main purpose is to stop cavalry. Since cavalry often attacks the flanks, it is common tactical sense to have them there. As a defensive, slow unit, being at the back is exactly where they wouldn't be. You don't keep them in reserve.

I didn't mean for them to sound as if they were in reserve. They were at the back initially because I figured they would be heavily armoured, maybe even more so than the soldiers, to withstand the force of a horse collapsing on them. That's why they were at the back, so they didn't slow down the army's progress to the battle grounds.

While it's true that an army is only as fast as it's slowest unit, it's already clear I wasn't exactly heading in the right direction with this battle in the first place. And in my defence (:P), one of the previous commentators mentioned something about the archers, and it was then that I realised that I had placed the pikemen in the wrong place. I had just forgotten to change it on the actual battle, which I'll do as I rehaul the entire thing

They also didn't have spare lances, and they're called pikes. Lances are what you use on horseback. Pikes are so heavy you couldn't carry more than one. Believe me. If their pikes broke they'd resort to a back-up sword.

lol, I know what lances were. I just didn't want to say, "The pikemen carried pikes." What would I say next? "The horsemen rode horses."? I didn't want it to sound repetitive, but I guess I shouldn't have gone so far as to claim they had "spare lances"

Another problem I had was with how the Bayznteen (which sounds exactly like Byzantine in my head) didn't seem to have scouted the battlefield at all. They were gung-ho and failed to take account of cavalry on their flanks. It seemed suicidal.

Omg, I KNEW that it sounded familiar! The Romans. Of course. Forgive me, I've been playing Civilizations IV lately, and I seemed to have unconsciously stolen one of the citiy names. But about no scouting. You're right, I should add something about that. If they had sent a scout, the scout could have come across the trenches that hid the spikes. In fact, where are the guards in the watchtower of the Cruciot castle?

The more comments people leave about this scene, the more holes I seem to find. I'm positive that this is a good thing

Also, you seem to have confused what I meant about the cavalry. The enemy cavalry was hiding in the trees either side of the valley. It's hard to take account of cavalry that they can't see And when the enemy cavalry did attack from the trees and cut them off from escape, Gulford's army was panicked and had little cohesion. And as you said yourself, in your battle guide; an army retreating is an army that gets slaughtered.

I also agree with whoever said there should be more soldiers in the battle. They'd have to be really, really small kingdoms if the Kings are only leading hundreds of men. I'd say this kind of battle seemed to me to be more of a baronial conflict, between two medium landowners fighting over something more trivial.

I know. But the continent they are on is around the size of Australia. More coast, less dry. There's ten or so kingdoms (which are states/territories in Australia) that occupy small parts of the continent, and the rest of the area is wild and unknown.

Consider how long it was until England colonised Australia. Basically this is the same thing - the continent of Thrans (yes, bare with me, it was my sister's idea of a joke) is detached from the rest of the world, only trading with nearby islands. No one has ventured beyond the horizon on the sea, and no one has emerged from across it. As such, no one has questioned whether or not Thrans is the centre of the world. The Kingdoms are small in my mind, but I could make them bigger if it's easier to envision kingdoms as epic, sprawling dynasties.

And I've rambled on.

Thank you both for the reviews, and I'll be attacking the battle. Perhaps it'll taste better in your mouths after it is done.

-Jai

Was it uninteresting to you? The truth behind the whole beginning scene is that originally it was a small paragraph in the actual novel after the battle - it was a brief summary that I expanded upon. Luckily enough, I printed off a copy before I edited it, so you can read the horrors of what it once was. Basically I made one of my friends read it, and when they got up to the small summary, they tore it to shreds about it being unrealistic (the first two paragraphs still survive in my novel, the red text is (word-for-pitiful-word) the summary that infuriated my friend).

I get that, but right now it feels a bit like an extended info dump. Without one of your characters actually showing us what happened, and without it being shown in dialogue, or in a different way, it's a bit information overload-y.

I must say, I did some research, but I didn't research much into previous real battles, basing most of my knowledge off of other battles I had read, or my own imagination. I can see how having a real background to fall back on would be an extreme advantage, and I'll certainly update my battle scenes with that in mind.

I say those sort of things because I'm a history graduate who routinely reads history as much as fiction. So I don't expect everyone to be the same. But wikipedia is your friend! I can even give you some links if you want.

Would you prefer the battle in King Gulford's point of view? His mind in turmoil about his recently assassinated son? Plagued by flashbacks of the boy growing up as the present Gulford hacks into bodies, screaming? Now that I write it, it does have a certain appeal, huh.

Yes I would!

I didn't mean for them to sound as if they were in reserve. They were at the back initially because I figured they would be heavily armoured, maybe even more so than the soldiers, to withstand the force of a horse collapsing on them. That's why they were at the back, so they didn't slow down the army's progress to the battle grounds.

While it's true that an army is only as fast as it's slowest unit, it's already clear I wasn't exactly heading in the right direction with this battle in the first place. And in my defence (:P), one of the previous commentators mentioned something about the archers, and it was then that I realised that I had placed the pikemen in the wrong place. I had just forgotten to change it on the actual battle, which I'll do as I rehaul the entire thing

Haha, no worries.

lol, I know what lances were. I just didn't want to say, "The pikemen carried pikes." What would I say next? "The horsemen rode horses."? I didn't want it to sound repetitive, but I guess I shouldn't have gone so far as to claim they had "spare lances"

I get that, but it's just inaccurate to say lances. It would be better to call them "spears" since that's what they were.

Also, you seem to have confused what I meant about the cavalry. The enemy cavalry was hiding in the trees either side of the valley. It's hard to take account of cavalry that they can't see

That's the point of scouting, though. Most armies would scout trees either side of their position to prevent such devastating flanking maneouvres. The other thing is that cavalry and trees don't actually mix that well. It's pretty hard to ride a horse through a forest.

I know. But the continent they are on is around the size of Australia. More coast, less dry. There's ten or so kingdoms (which are states/territories in Australia) that occupy small parts of the continent, and the rest of the area is wild and unknown.

Consider how long it was until England colonised Australia. Basically this is the same thing - the continent of Thrans (yes, bare with me, it was my sister's idea of a joke) is detached from the rest of the world, only trading with nearby islands. No one has ventured beyond the horizon on the sea, and no one has emerged from across it. As such, no one has questioned whether or not Thrans is the centre of the world. The Kingdoms are small in my mind, but I could make them bigger if it's easier to envision kingdoms as epic, sprawling dynasties

That makes sense. As I read that I realised that in Ancient Greece, city-states used to have small-scale battles all the time. So it's not unfeasible, I just read Kings and thought of a big pitched battle.

Hey again Firestarter, sorry for the late reply - was busy with physics homework.

Firestarter wrote:I get that, but right now it feels a bit like an extended info dump. Without one of your characters actually showing us what happened, and without it being shown in dialogue, or in a different way, it's a bit information overload-y.

Well, I've changed it extensively now.

1) King Gulford and General Bane now share the experience of the battle, so there is some feeling injected now.
2) The whole reason why King Harry's son is asked for a failsafe has changed.
3) The battle is not on the Cruciot palace, or even on Cruciot soil, but in a country recently conquered by King Harry, so King Gulford makes the mistake of thinking it will be more susceptible to being taken over by his army.
4) Added a fair bit more description and more explanation of what's going on regarding the decision of the battle, so it's not just there because, "ZOMG, battle scene! MUST HAVE!"
5) I did a bit more research and fixed up the fighting a bit, but maybe it's still a bit wonky?

Firestarter wrote:I say those sort of things because I'm a history graduate who routinely reads history as much as fiction. So I don't expect everyone to be the same. But wikipedia is your friend! I can even give you some links if you want.

lol, I'm sure your bookmarks are extensive. Perhaps you have a really good link on medieval history and how planning battles occurred? I'm not sure if my explanation of the planning process is strong enough.

Firestarter wrote:That's the point of scouting, though. Most armies would scout trees either side of their position to prevent such devastating flanking maneouvres. The other thing is that cavalry and trees don't actually mix that well. It's pretty hard to ride a horse through a forest.

Hmm. Damn. Now I'm a bit stuck. I'll have to go back and change this somehow. . . Okay done Now Harry explains why the horses could move through the trees.

I hope that you find the remake better than the original. You don't have to read it, of course, but it's here now if you ever have the time to go over it and poke more holes

-Jai

Your bribe/threat was so intriguing I came right over and read. But, I didn't read anyone else's comments. And thus, I apologize if I repeat anything or contradict anything without saying the traditional "I agree with Bob/I disagree with Jane" business.

But speaking of business, on to it.

I have a lot to mention, but first, I have a question for you. Is this a short story, or part of a novel? I'm assuming the former, because you do have it in the short story section, but at the same time, it didn't really feel like a short story to me.

If this is in fact part of a novel, I have two words: slow down. Wait, make that four words: Slow down, and show. Because battles are exciting stuff, and beginning a novel with them is exciting, and rivalries are exciting, and battles gone horribly wrong are exciting, and political upheaval and assassinations are exciting too. But you've packed it in there and vacuum-sealed it and what could (and should) span several chapters is tripping over itself and its own untapped potential.

...and this brings me to my point if this is in fact a short story. You have a lot going on--rivalries, detailed battle tactics (at least to my own military-ignorant mind), assassinations, names of places, truce negotiations, to name a few--and it's, well, sort of packed in and bursting to get out and be part of a novel.

And so, my advice, if this is a short story, has two general themes. One: simplify. Two: sharpen your focus. What follows is a list of steps I'd take in approaching rewrites/revisions/self-evaluation/whateveryouwannacallit.

1.The main thing you need to do is decide what your main point is or what the main idea is or what the core of this is--the "why you are writing this." No need to be deep or profound; something as simple as "There's this king whose son was murdered by a rival, and so the king goes to war, but the other king still gets the better of him, so, in the end, it just sucks to be that king."

2. With this main goal in mind, become your own ruthless and merciless editor, ask this line or that detail, "Are you helping this story accomplish what I want it to accomplish?" and if it quivers in its boots and begins begging for mercy, ax it.

I'm sorry that I can't be more specific, but with everything that was going on in this piece, I couldn't figure out what the story was--if it was the story of the battle, or of King Gulfold, or of rivalries, or what. If it's the story of the battle, you could do away with all the details pertaining to what the kings look like, even get rid of the names, and you could make the narration even more detached (more on this later). If it's King Gulfold's story, then you could do away with anything in John Bane's thoughts and focus on the king's perspective. (Telling the story of the battle nearly from the battle's perspective, by the way, would be kinda awesome, but also a challenge for sure.)

Again, I'm sorry I couldn't be more specific with the overall-story comments here.

I do have some other observations, though.

One's that you begin a lot of sentences with 'the'--and, really, nearly every sentence in the basic sentence structure, i.e. Subject Verb OtherStuff. Usually my advice is to vary it up, but in this case, I thought you might have done it intentionally. Whether or not you did it on purpose, the effect is sort of a very detached, reporter type feel of 'this happened, then this happened, then this person said that, then this person thought that.' Which is fine by me, actually, so long as you're using the style to accomplish something--an effect or a feel or something thematic or whatever.

Another observation is in the same vein as the one above. You use a lot of 'to be' verbs, and some passive, and some perfect aspect, all of which slow the pace down--'to be' because they only acknowledge existence, not life or movement, and the others because they remove the doer and the immediacy, respectively. Again, my usual advice would be to find more lively verbs, put everything into the active voice, and use the perfect aspect sparingly--but here, it adds to the detached, reporterly feel; the people on the battlefield may be scrambling for their lives, but the narrator? He's in no rush.

And.... that's it. So much else of what I have to say depends so much on what you're trying to do with this short story, and it'd become a "If a, then see c.1., but if b, skip d. and go onto e" or something like that and that'd just get way too confusing.

PM me if you'd like any clarification or explanation on anything!

Rach