Young Writers Society

Here is pt 3 hope you like it. I want to thank every one who has helped me with my previous parts you have helped out a lot.



Canthor lunged at Agron with great force and wrapped his hands around his head with a crushing grip. Flames surged out of his palms scorching his brothers face severely. Agron's muffled screams started to fade and soon fell silent behind his brothers mighty hands.Canthor let Agron fall to the dry rocky ground. Clouds of dust billowed around his battered body while he lay there silent and motionless.
"You are pathetic Agron!" yelled mockingly. " How dare you call yourself a chaos child you can't even stay on your feet!" Canthor let out a victorious roar and looked upon his brother who was attempting but to no avail to turn invisible again. Canthor quickly grabbed agron by the throat before he could completely fade and started to violently bash his head into the ground. "You have lost Agron. Why don't you give up and evade the misery that has fallen upon you?"
"Because my brother..." Agron muttered "You may be more powerfull... but I am more intelligent..." Canthor stopped for a moment and realized he was doing exactly what his brother wanted him to do. He looked closer at Agron's necklace and saw two medallions linked to the chain.
"What?...Two medallions?" Canthor was stunned.
"You aren't the only of the brothers I have fought." Agron said as a grin spread across his face."This medallion gives me the power of multiplication."
Before Canthor was aware of his brother's double it struck him in the back of his head hurtling him face first into the ground. "You Canthor! Are the pathetic one!" Agron sneered as he dragged himself to his feet.
Canthor pushed himself up and gazed into the eyes of Agron and his double. "So...you will be more of a challenge than I thought. But I will still emerge victorious." Canthor gasped trying to catch his breath.

"This will be much easier if you just give up Canthor. I promise not to make your death too painful if you do." Agron boasted mocking his brother.
"Do you take me for a coward Agron...do you!?"
"Now come brother I admit that you are a worthy oponnent but, you are not smart enough to detect my trickery." Agron said.
Canthor's eyes started to glow voilently as his brother made him even more enraged.
"Well then Agron we will see about that." Flames started to burst out of the ground sending rocks flying into the air and smoke around their feet.
"This will make ending the universe much more convient since you have collected another medallion for me And when you die I will wear them as a trophies!"

Canthor lunged at Agron with great force and wrapped his hands around his head with a powerful (Good description here, but I would suggest more. Make Canthor dangerous, frightening. 'With a crushing' or 'with a formidable' grip. Powerful is better than nothing, but I think it needs more) grip. Flames surged (good word!)out of his palms scorching his brothers face badly (badly? I think we need something more extreme than 'badly' for someone's face being scorched. How about words like 'severely' or 'horribly'). Agrons muffled screams started to fade and soon fell silent behind his brothers mighty hands.Canthor released Agron sending him (sending him? I don't like the wording here. 'shoving him into the dry, rocky ground' would make sense, but 'sending him'?) to the dry (comma here) rocky ground. Clouds of dust bellowed (awesome word!!) around his battered body while he laid there silent and motionless.


"You are pathetic Agron!" Canthor yelled (perhaps the word 'sneered' would work better here, or describing how he yelled would be even better. Like 'yelled mockingly' or something like that). " How dare you call yourself a chaos child you can't even stay on your feet!" Canthor let out a mighty victory (I suggest saying a 'mighty, victorious roar' instead of a 'mighty victory roar'.) roar and looked apon (it's upon, not apon) his brother who was attempting (you might want to mention 'but to no avail' or something like that to tell the reader it isn't working) to turn invisible again. Canthor quickly grabbed agron (capitalize names) by the throat before he could completely fade and started to voilently (it's violently not voilently) pound (pound? Eh, I think you can use a better word than that) his head into the ground. "You have lost (comma here) Agron. Why don't you give up and escape (escape? I think 'evade' would work better here) the misery that has fallen upon you?" (fallen upon you? Eh, not my favorite, but I guess it works)


"Because my brother..." Agron muttered "You may be more powerfull (one L, not two)... but I am smarter..." (smarter? maybe 'more intelligent' would sound better)

Canthor stopped for a (space here) moment and realized he was doing exactly what his brother wanted him to do. He looked closer at Agrons (apostrophe... Agron's) necklace and saw two medallions linked to the chain.
"What?...Two medallions?" Canthor was stunned. (very nice)


"You arent (apostrophe... aren't) the only of the brothers I have fought." Agron said as a grin spread across his face."This medallion gives me the power of multiplication."

Before Canthor was aware of his brothers (apostrophe)double it bashed (bashed? Can you find a better word for that?) him in the back of his head sending him (again, 'sending him' bugged me) face first into the ground. "You Canthor! (You need a comma here so it reads, "You, Canthor, are the pathetic one!") Are the pathetic one!" Agron yelled as he pulled (pulled? I think 'dragged' would work better here) himself to his feet.

Canthor pushed himself up and gazed (and adjective here might be nice) into the eyes of Agron and his double. "So...you will be more of a challenge than I thought. But I will still emerge victorious." Canthor said (I think gasped might work better here because he is trying to catch his breath) trying to catch his breath.

"This will be much easier if you just give up (comma here) Canthor. I promise not to make your death too painfull (one L no two) if you do." Agron boasted. (I think he should also have a hint of mockery or cruelty in his voice saying something like that.. think about it)

"Do you take me for a coward Agron...do you!" (you also need a ? here)

"Now come brother I admit that you are a worthy oponnent (one N, not 2) but, you are not smart enough to overcome (not sure of your word choice here...) my trickery." Agron said.

Canthor's eyes started to glow voilently (violently) as his brother made him even more angry. (If he's more angry, I suggest using a more powerful word such as 'enraged' or 'furious')

"Well then (should be 'Well then, Agron, we will...' watch your commas) Agron (sp?) we will see about that." Flames started to burst out of the ground sending rocks flying into the air and smoke around their feet.

"This will make ending the universe much more convient (firstly, it's convenient, not convient. Also, this dialogue sounds really weird! I suggest thinking this first part of the statement over again) since you have collected another medallion for me And when you die I will wear them as a trophy!(end with quotes)


Whew, that was long...
Okay, my top three suggestions for this are:

1. Use more powerful words. You've improved from the first part, but you can still improve more
2. Please use a spell checker!!!!
3. watch your grammar (commas and paragraphs mostly)

Please keep writing

I can see you're paying attention to the advice you were given in the first two parts It just keeps getting better and better, so, yes, definitely keep writing!

My one piece of advice: Vary your sentence structure just a bit more. You have a lot of the same, like in the first paragraph. Briefly, first Canthor lunged, then flames surged, then screams started, then Canthor released, then dust bellowed. Each sentence starts basically the same way, although the end parts are different. Rough example:

With great force, Canthor lunged at Agron and wrapped his hands around his head. Flames surged out of his palms, scorching his brother's face. Agron's screams, muffled by those might hands, soon fell silent. Canthor let Agron fall to the dry, rocky ground, and clouds of dust billowed around his battered body.

By the way, "billowed around his battered body" was an absolutely awesome use of alliteration. (And, I'm assuming you meant billowed, because "to bellow" means "to shout in a deep voice" and clouds of dust don't usually shout.)

I have read parts one and two; they’re not too bad because you’ve made changes people have suggested. Part three is a little short so here is my review:

"his brothers mighty hands.Canthor…" There needs to me a space between the full stop and Canthor: "his brothers mighty hands. Canthor…".
"he laid there silent and motionless…" I think laid should be replaced by 'lay'. "he lay there silent and motionless…".
"Canthor quickly grabbed agron" Agron needs to have a capital A as it is a noun. "Canthor quickly grabbed Agron".
"amoment" Change to a moment.
"opponent" The correct spelling is opponent.
"And when you die I will wear them as a trophy!" The 'a' in 'And' is not meant to be a capital letter because it is in the middle of a sentace not after a full stop and since Canthor will be taking Agron's medallion and the other chaos childs medallion it should say: "…and when you die I will wear them as my trophies!".

If you make the necessary changes that reviewers have suggested your story will be much better. And like Writersdomain suggests please keep writing!

I made the changes everybody suggested thanks for the help guys.