Luna 1.0 (edited)

16 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8463
Reviews 78
1. Reunion

I found her. Finally. I had been waiting for almost fifteen years.
Bands of anxiety constricted my heart. What should I say? Should I say anything at all? My eyes followed her as she silently drifted past the tree line. The forest was thinner towards the highway, a balding head. The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core. It pressed onto me like a shadowy veil of malevolence. I shuddered with apprehension; my instincts were telling me to get out. Fast. But I wouldn’t leave until she was with me.
I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the uncommonly early autumn frost. “Mom!” I shouted, waving my hands above my head. She continued to walk away from me, her head bowed against the frigid, salty air blowing in from off the ocean.
I writhed in place trying to rid myself of my invisible captor as she adamantly trudged toward Luna General Hospital. Its bright lights seemed out of place against the dusky surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the moon glint off an expensive-looking sedan. My mother nodded in satisfaction when she spotted it. It seemed like her plan-whatever it was-was working perfectly.
Her bulky trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine. Who were they? A sharp pang of jealousy shot through my every nerve. She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. My ears caught onto their soft cooing. Unlike me, they seemed untroubled by the darkness, almost like they belonged in its unfathomable depths.
I noticed that she kept looking at the forest behind her. Whenever I looked, I saw nothing but brush and some thick evergreens. A few times, she hesitated, then looking back, she shuddered, and with a look of determination, she kept walking across the highway. It was the only thing between her and the hospital.
I heard her breathe a sigh of relief when she crossed onto the hospital’s property. She laid the children on the steps of the nearly empty hospital and backed away. The moonlight coated her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue cover, making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered, a light in the darkness.
Just try again, I thought to myself. It honestly couldn’t hurt. If I showed her how much I longed for her maybe she would stay with me. “Wait for me!” My voice was ignored. She didn’t even turn my way.
“Stay safe me beloveds,” she whispered to her babies, kissing them lightly on the forehead. “I,” she began. Her voice cracked as she choked down a sob and turned away from them. She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible, and was enveloped by the trees. I fell to my knees, glad that I could move, but tormented because she had left me yet again. Broken sobs ripped from my chest for what felt like hours. Quieting, I wiped the dirt off my jeans and set off on my way home. I was only a yard away from the edge of the parking lot where I started when someone spun me around abruptly.
Her gentle features and small figure personified nurture. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her. “Mom, you came back for me.” My face burst into a joyous smile. I fell into her arms, but instead of being warm and comfortable like any mother’s hugs should be, it felt cold and hard, a brick wall. I tried to shift out of her hug, wonder creasing my brow.
“What’s wrong, Asha?” she cackled maniacally. She rolled her eyes at the adoration that she undoubtedly saw in mine. “You were never worthy of my love. I didn’t love you or your brother Aiden,” she said, gesturing toward the squirming babies on the hospital step with her free arm. Her deceptively sweet face shone with malice, and I watched as an animalistic glint appeared in her dark eyes. Her lips spread, and I saw her sharp canine-like teeth. I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace. Her chest rumbled against me; I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body. That rumble, even though it was mostly inaudible, sounded like a growl. The thought of my mother growling sent a chill up my spine.
“You were a burden on my life.” She must’ve gotten sick of watching me wriggle under her gaze. “I’m glad I abandoned you.” Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet?
My tears broke her nonviolent façade. She grabbed my arms and shook me back and forth with otherworldly strength. I cried out on pain when my head snapped forward then back again, and my hair lashed my face leaving throbbing welts in its wake. An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground, small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body.
Last edited by pinkangel54123 on Mon Apr 12, 2010 9:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Want a heavenly review?

GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4825
Reviews 236
Hi there!
...
...
I am absolutely sure I had some stuff to critique, but then I got further in and I forgot them all. I was captivated.
It's now been about two minutes since I wrote "I was captivated" and I am still sitting here considering your story. It's powerful. Which is not to say that it can't be improved, because it can. For instance:
1. It doesn't usually frost in early autumn.
2. I got very little emotion off Mom in the beginning, so I assumed she was sort of a tortured-beauty type. When I saw the two babies, I assumed she was ripped apart by the pain of having to abandon her infants. It came as a total surprise when she started spitting at her daughter. And not the good kind of surprise.
3. Why does Mom hate Asha so much? And if one of the babies is Aiden, who is the other one?
4. I'm sorry to say so, but waking up from a bad dream is really cliche. Because basically what you're doing is giving us a whole world to dive into, and, being your innocent readers, we assume it's true. By having your character wake up from it half a page in, it's like you're saying "Ha ha! I fooled you! I was just kidding!" Of course, if you do it right, you might be able to pull off the waking up. I don't have any advice, because it's your story, but just think about what I said, kay?
5. What did she wake up to?! I really, really want to know.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
One thing I really like about this piece is the description. It's very colorful and varying. I feel like I'm there for most of your story. The same can be said about your voice and style.

I also like the character Asha, but I wish I could know more about her besides her bad relationship with her mom. Maybe some more description of her. Though not too much because it could slow down the story.

What you might want to fix is the pace. It's a tad slow, maybe take away some of the description, even if it all is wonderful. It sometimes makes the story hard to understand. A lot of the description seems necessary to the story, but maybe you can find a way to compress it?

Though what confuses me is why she cared for the babies and not Asha and Aiden. Or, if she cared for the babies. And if she cared, why would she abandon them?

Another thing you might want to make clearer is if she woke up from a dream, or if someone carried her back home after her mom hurt her.

Overall I really like this piece. It has suspense and really grabbed me. PM me if you post more!
--Olivia
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8463
Reviews 78
Thank you guys for the reviews. I'll be posting more once I get a few more.
Careless- The dream was kinda nescessary. It gives you a lot of facts mixed in with imagination. I'm sorry if you were upset that it was only a dream.
Want a heavenly review?

GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 20503
Reviews 370
NitPIcks
pinkangel54123 wrote:Stay safe me beloveds

"Stay safe, my beloveds."
pinkangel54123 wrote:Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet.

Weren't reunions supposed to be sweet?

That's all I saw.
Overall
I really liked it. The emotions were vivid in this-- and though I kind of agree with aussie, that maybe your story should have something preceding this dream, it seemed pretty obvious that this was a dream sequence-- she was looking at herself being put on the doorstep of a hospital, after all.
The setting was good-- though I am a little confused about the hospital. Is is simply surrounded by many, many planted trees or is it near the edge of a forest. It doesn't really matter, I guess. It's the same setting either way.
So, the story is pretty riveting so far. I want to find out what happens to this girl, learn more about her.
Besides that, great job and pm me when the new part comes through.
Empress
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
Royal Reviews Here!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 42428
Reviews 411
pinkangel54123 wrote:
1. Reunion
Her.
Finally. I had been waiting for almost fifteen years.
Bands of anxiety constricted my heart. What should I say? My eyes followed her as she silently drifted past the tree line; it was thinner towards the edge like a balding head. The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core. It pressed onto me like a shadowy veil of malevolence. I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the early autumn frost. Love the start to this, description is ace.
“Mom!” I shouted, waving my hands like a mad-woman. She continued to walk away from me, her head bowed against the frigid, salty air blowing in from off the ocean. Didn't expect this, very captivating! Fabulous!
I writhed in place trying to rid myself of my invisible captor as she adamantly trudged toward Luna General Hospital. Its bright lights seemed out of place against the dusky surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the moon glint off of an expensive sedan. My mother nodded in satisfaction when she spotted it. It seemed as if her plan-whatever it may be-was working seamlessly. You're very good at showing the reader the scene here, it's vivid and still leaves room for the reader's imagination. Flawless. May I just suggest replacing the word 'seamlessly'? It changes the atmosphere of your description in my opinion.
Her thick trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine. Who were they? Good use of italics, emphasis really shows the character's confusion/curiousity. I felt a sharp pang of jealousy shoot through my every nerve. She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. My ears caught onto their soft cooing. Unlike me, they seemed untroubled by the darkness; almost like they belonged in its unfathomable depths. Nice use of vocabulary here, very good.
I noticed that she kept looking behind her at the forest. Whenever I peered into it, I saw nothing but crush and some thick evergreens. A few times she hesitated then looked back. She shuddered at what she saw, and with a look of determination she kept walking across the highway. It was the only thing between her and the hospital. I'm captivated.
I heard her breath a sigh of relief when she crossed onto the hospital’s property. She laid the children on the steps of the nearly empty hospital and backed away. The moonlight coasted her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue, making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.
Just try again, I thought to myself. It honestly couldn’t hurt. Maybe if I showed her how much I longed for her she would stay. “Wait for me!” My voice fell on deaf ears. She didn’t even turn my way.
“Stay safe me beloveds,” she whispered to her babies, kissing them lightly in the forehead. “I,” she began. Her voice cracked as she choked down a sob and turned away. The heartrending hooting of the owls welcomed her and her sorrow with open arms. She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible, and was enveloped by the trees. I fell to my knees, glad that I could move, but tormented because she had left me yet again. Broken sobs ripped from my chest for what felt like hours.
Quieting, I wiped the dirt off my jeans and started on my way home. I was only a yard away from the edge of the parking lot where I started when someone spun me around abruptly.
Her gently features and small figure personified nurture. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her. “Mom, you came back for me.” My face burst into a joyous smile. I fell into her arms, but instead of being warm and comfortable like any mother’s hugs should be it felt cold and hard; a brick wall. I tried to shift out of her hug, wonder creasing my brow.
“What’s wrong, Asha?” she cackled maniacally. She rolled her eyes at the adoration that she undoubtedly saw in mine. “You were never worthy of my love. I didn’t love you or your brother Aiden,” she said gesturing toward the squirming babies on the hospital step with her free arm. Her deceptively sweet face shone with malice, and I watched as an animalistic glint appeared in her dark eyes. Her lips spread, so I could see her sharp canine-like teeth. I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace again. No dice. Her chest rumbled against me since I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body. That rumble, even though it was nearly inaudible, sounded somewhat like a growl. The thought of my mother growling sent a chill up my spine.
“You were a burden on my life,” she spat. She must’ve gotten sick of watching me wriggle under her gaze. “I’m glad I abandoned you.” Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet.
My tears broke her nonviolent façade. She grabbed my arms and shook me back and forth with otherworldly strength. I cried out on pain when my head snapped forward then back again, and my hair lashed my face leaving throbbing welts in its wake. An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground; small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body. Nice way to round off. Can't pick many mistakes atall with this piece, very good!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 790
Reviews 2
I'm new here, so obviously I haven't read your first draft, but I'm really likin' what you have so far. It definitely made me want to keep on reading and I got a good feel for Asha's emotions.

Who were they? I felt a sharp pang of jealousy shoot through my every nerve.


I think that was a really nice addition. It makes her feel even more real to the reader. And it's chilling when we catch on that she's actually witnessing her own abandonment.

I couldn't really find any grammar/spelling errors, other than the ones that were already mentioned, but just watch for pace. It drags a little and "she spat" may have a been a tad out of place. Entirely your choice though. Overall, a great read. I'd love to find out what happens next! :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7539
Reviews 374
She removed a silver necklace where it shimmered; a light in the darkness.

What does she do with the necklace? Does she give it to the girl? Or does she just take it off just for the heck of it?:P Also it wouldn't be the necklace itself that was shimmering, right? It would be reflecting the hospital lights.

I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace again. No dice.

Okay so, so far your character has a very eloquent was of speaking which works very well, but when you change from an elegant writer-ish was of speaking and describing things, to normal teenage slang, it throws off the story. Especially since it's told from a first person narrative.

Her chest rumbled against me since I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body.

I don't quite get what you mean by rumbled...


Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet.

Is this a question or a statement? Either way instead of this I would put something like "I had not expected anything like this. I had thought our reunion would be...sweeter." Something like that.

An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground; small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body.
I would cut that part out, it ruins the suspense you built up, and it seems better to continue with the action, instead of breaking the flow and inserting emotion in there. If that makes any sense...

Overall I think you've got a pretty good start here, I can't wait to see where you take this.

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 11393
Reviews 113
Hey there Danie!

I liked this piece.

I'm glad that it was a dream though, because it seemed a bit too strange and a bit confusing for it to be real.

I really liked this, although I think maybe you could make it a bit clearer, although in saying that, it is a dream, so it's not supposed to be crystal clear.

Good job! Thanks for posting this. :D

Keep Writing! xD

~Mo.
Mo. was here. :) mwahahaha




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 44360
Reviews 1087
Hey there Danie! :)

I have to say, this was great!

To be honest with you, I'm not going to critique anything. Mostly because there isn't really anything to critique! Anything that I would have to say has been said by other reviewers. So instead, I'm just going to say what I liked!

I absolutely loved your descriptions here! They were vivid and creative, but they weren't annoyingly long. Some writers have a problem with doing this! Me included sometimes... :oops:

I also really like your writing style. You're clearly very good at creating suspense and you showed it in this piece!

Overall, as you can probably tell, I really enjoyed reading this. You were descriptive and kept me interested for the entire piece.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 58538
Reviews 553
Hi Pinkangel. I would highlight the part I liked in green and the part I found forced in red and any corrections would be in different colours.


I found her. Finally. I had been waiting for almost fifteen years.

Bands of anxiety constricted my heart. What should I say? Should I say anything at all? My eyes followed her as she silently drifted past the tree line. The forest was thinner towards the highway, a balding head. The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core. It pressed onto me like a shadowy veil of malevolence. I shuddered with apprehension; my instincts were telling me to get out. Fast. But I wouldn’t leave until she was with me.

I urged my feet to move towards her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the uncommonly early autumn frost. “Mom!” I shouted, waving my hands above my head. She continued to walk away from me, her head bowed against the frigid, salty air blowing in from off the ocean.

I writhed in place trying to rid myself off my invisible captor as she adamantly trudged towards Luna General Hospital. Its bright lights seemed out of place against the dusky surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the moon glint off an expensive-looking sedan. My mother nodded in satisfaction when she spotted it. It seemed like her plan-whatever it was-was working perfectly.

Her bulky trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine. Who were they? A sharp pang of jealousy shot through my every nerve. She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. My ears caught onto their soft cooing. Unlike me, they seemed untroubled by the darkness, almost like they belonged in its unfathomable depths.

I noticed that she kept looking at the forest behind her. Whenever I looked, I saw nothing but brush and some thick evergreens. A few times, she hesitated, then looking back, she shuddered, and with a look of determination, she kept walking across the highway. It was the only thing between her and the hospital.

I heard her breathe a sigh of relief when she crossed onto the hospital’s property. She laid the children on the steps of the nearly empty hospital and backed away. The moonlight coated her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue cover, making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered, a light in the darkness.

Just try again, I thought to myself. It honestly couldn’t hurt. If I showed her how much I longed for her maybe she would stay with me. “Wait for me!” My voice was ignored. She didn’t even turn my way.

“Stay safe me my beloveds,” she whispered to her babies, kissing them lightly on the forehead. “I-,” she began. Her voice cracked as she choked down a sob and turned away from them. She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible, and was enveloped by the trees. I fell to my knees, glad that I could move, but tormented because she had left me yet again. Broken sobs ripped from my chest for what felt like hours. Quieting, I wiped the dirt off my jeans and set off on my way home. I was only a yard away from the edge of the parking lot where(there should be some other word here, I guess. This word is not making any sense.) I started when someone spun me around abruptly.

Her gentle features and small figure personified nurture. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her. “Mom, you came back for me?” My face burst into a joyous smile. I fell into her arms, but instead of being warm and comfortable like any mother’s hugs should be, it felt cold and hard, a brick wall. I tried to shift out of her hug, wonder creasing my brow.

“What’s wrong, Asha?” she cackled maniacally. She rolled her eyes at the adoration that she undoubtedly saw in mine. “You were never worthy of my love. I didn’t love you or your brother Aiden,” she said, gesturing toward the squirming babies on the hospital step with her free arm. Her deceptively sweet face shone with malice, and I watched as an animalistic glint appeared in her dark eyes. Her lips spread, and I saw her sharp canine-like teeth. I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace. Her chest rumbled against me; I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body. That rumble, even though it was mostly inaudible, sounded like a growl. The thought of my mother growling sent a chill up down my spine.

“You were a burden on 'to' or 'in' should be used. my life.” She must’ve gotten sick of watching me wriggle under her gaze. “I’m glad I abandoned you.” Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet?

My tears broke her nonviolent façade. She grabbed my arms and shook me back and forth with otherworldly strength. I cried out on in pain when my head snapped forward then back again, and my hair lashed my face leaving throbbing welts in its wake. An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground, small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body.


This is a very beautiful story and is also well-written. I am totally loving the idea. O said I would mark things I didn't like with red but I din't find anything as such. Seriously! I thought of doing one part today but then I cannot wait for tomorrow.
See ya. Hope this helped.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 30338
Reviews 560
Hey Pink! I'm here to review your novel :D

Starting with Chapter one. As an opening chapter it seems a little daunting. The language is lovely, and I like the style but the whole scene just seems a little too heavy to jump into as a first chapter.

Also I felt more drawn into the event rather than anything, so at the end I felt like I hadn't really made much progress into the story. All I know is that there is a main character has a brother and seems to be emotionally disturbed by being abandoned at birth. Yes, it creates some some deep and interesting character traits, but they're about a character we don't even know yet.

As a piece on its own this is well written, and good to read. Maybe you could include a prologue, or turn this part into a prologue.

Ease off the dramatic language just a little bit. There are other ways of expressing powerful emotions and feelings other than using phrases like "The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core." It didn't really make me feel anything, because "seeped into my core" isn't something that's easy to relate to, especially when it comes to an abstract concept like darkness.

On to chapter two.
We were born to be amazing.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 13389
Reviews 260
Hello, pinkangel! Zan is here as promised. : )

I have to say that I really, really like Asha. Her plight just makes it really easy for me to feel sympathy and attachment to her without dissolving into melodrama, which is always a good thing to have in the opening chapter. You do a really good job, I think, with emotional narration, I could really feel Asha’s anguish and anxiety as she watches her mother walk away in the opening paragraph, and I was hooked from there on.

I think one thing that really helps with that is the setting—the darkness, the sparse trees, the lonely hospital, all of them play a role in developing the general feeling of oppression and abandonment in this scene. It’s a very well-constructed atmosphere, from the frost to the moon, that really helps to transfer the protagonist’s feelings to the reader, but at the same time it’s not overly obvious and it doesn’t get in the way. One of the other reviewers described your prose as “elegant” and I’d have to agree with that assertion. All your descriptions are very graceful, very smooth, they don’t get in the way of the actual events, but they create just the right impression.

Anyway, I’m really interested in this premise for the story! I don’t think near enough fantasy stories actually deal with the relationships between parents and children, usually the heroine is just in a hurry to ditch her mom and dad so she can run around as a world-savior or hang out with the vampires, and I think that’s a little unrealistic. I’m really curious to see a story that deals even partially with a character’s struggle over the idea that her mother doesn’t love her—not only is that a rare topic to base a fantasy book around, but it’s a lot more relatable a problem than having to get all the Amulets of Power before the villain or whatever—as such, it’s a more relatable conflict to start out a story with, and to develop a character with, even if there are more Amulet-y things on the horizon.

As for the dream… well, as some other reviewers have mentioned, it really isn’t a great idea to turn something into having been all just a dream, but I think it works okay here, seeing as this is the opening chapter, not the end of a whole book. XD However, I’ll admit to feeling a little disappointed that all the intensity and emotion in the previous paragraphs was part of a dream—I felt a little cheated. It’s kind of a hard thing to deal with, though, since you say that the dream is necessary for the story… So I don’t really know what to say. XD

Something that might help would be to make it clearer from the beginning, perhaps, that this is a dream? I dunno. My pet peeve about fictional dreams is that they are usually super logical, follow the laws of physics, and make all sorts of real-world sense, but most real-world dreams don’t (at least, mine don’t XD). So maybe if you made the scene more obviously dreamlike, it would be less like the reader is being misled. Maybe have some things about Asha suddenly moving from far to the hospital to close to it, her walking away for a long time but still being close to the hospital when she turns back to see her mother, stuff like that? I dunno. XD

Other than that, I don’t have much detailed critique—this is a pretty strong opener—just some little nitpicks:

I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the uncommonly early autumn frost.

I’m not sure that I like the use of “frozen” and “frost” together in the same sentence—since they’re words from the same root, it ends up sounding a little redundant. That might just be me, though.

Her bulky trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine.

This sentence has me a little confused… where are the babies? Is she holding them on her back or something…? Or were they under her coat? I really don’t get it. XD

“Stay safe me beloveds,” she whispered to her babies

I think you might have meant “my” instead, unless Asha’s mom is channeling Lucky the Leprechaun. XDD

She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible,

This sentence also left me a little confused. I think the combination of “glided” and “interstate” have me lost on whether she’s walking or in a car. XD

But for the most part, this is a very strong start, and I’m very much up for reading the following parts—I would even if you didn’t ask me! I sure hope this review helped you out, see you in chapter two. : )
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 805
Reviews 336
Hey,

What a vivid dream! This grabbed me in and hooked me like you were the fisherman and I was the fish! There were some graammar mistakes but I saw that someone else already did those. I'll start with the dream itself, I don't understand, is this a flashback or something. At first, I thought the babies were another children the mother had, but nearing the end I realized it was Asha and Aiden. I'm dying to know what's in that box! I think you should be a bit more clear explaining that the two babies who I presume are twins, are Asha and Aiden. Very nice! Off to chapter 2!

~Jasmine Bells
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 24514
Reviews 130
Hiya, Diane! Coco here, as requested!

Since you already have some great reviews, I'll just talk about what I loved about this piece. I loved it, I mean, I was so engrossed in the story I forgot that I needed to review. You write beautifully - each sentence has an elegant flow about it which only a talented writer can produce. Another thing I loved about this was that it wasn't at all predictable, for example, I totally thought that Asha was dreaming and that one of the babies was her, and she was remembering the day her mother left her but when I got to the end - WOW - it was heartbreaking to see how much her mother hates her.

I'm glad you've got more chapters. This is my first novel review request so I'm looking forward to being of some help to you.

Onto chapter 2 next! See you there! :D

*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕



There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley