Luna 1.0 (edited)

pinkangel54123 · 2010-01-03T04:29:05Z

1. Reunion I found her. Finally. I had been waiting for almost fifteen years. Bands of anxiety constricted my heart. What should I say? Should I say anything at all? My eyes followed her as she silently drifted past the tree line. The forest was thinner towards the highway, a balding head. The omnipresent darkness of the night seeped into my core. It pressed onto me like a shadowy veil of malevolence. I shuddered with apprehension; my instincts were telling me to get out. Fast. But I wouldn’t leave until she was with me. I urged my feet to move toward her, but they seemed to be frozen in place by the uncommonly early autumn frost. “Mom!” I shouted, waving my hands above my head. She continued to walk away from me, her head bowed against the frigid, salty air blowing in from off the ocean. I writhed in place trying to rid myself of my invisible captor as she adamantly trudged toward Luna General Hospital. Its bright lights seemed out of place against the dusky surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the moon glint off an expensive-looking sedan. My mother nodded in satisfaction when she spotted it. It seemed like her plan-whatever it was-was working perfectly. Her bulky trench coat slid from her shoulders. It was open just long enough to expose two infants with thick black hair just like mine. Who were they? A sharp pang of jealousy shot through my every nerve. She quickly recovered the babies and continued without missing a beat. My ears caught onto their soft cooing. Unlike me, they seemed untroubled by the darkness, almost like they belonged in its unfathomable depths. I noticed that she kept looking at the forest behind her. Whenever I looked, I saw nothing but brush and some thick evergreens. A few times, she hesitated, then looking back, she shuddered, and with a look of determination, she kept walking across the highway. It was the only thing between her and the hospital. I heard her breathe a sigh of relief when she crossed onto the hospital’s property. She laid the children on the steps of the nearly empty hospital and backed away. The moonlight coated her face, giving it a beautifully ominous light. She took a small box from her pocket and placed it in the baby boy’s blue cover, making sure to conceal it from wandering eyes. She removed a silver necklace from around her neck and put it on the little girl where it shimmered, a light in the darkness. Just try again, I thought to myself. It honestly couldn’t hurt. If I showed her how much I longed for her maybe she would stay with me. “Wait for me!” My voice was ignored. She didn’t even turn my way. “Stay safe me beloveds,” she whispered to her babies, kissing them lightly on the forehead. “I,” she began. Her voice cracked as she choked down a sob and turned away from them. She glided across the interstate faster than I thought was possible, and was enveloped by the trees. I fell to my knees, glad that I could move, but tormented because she had left me yet again. Broken sobs ripped from my chest for what felt like hours. Quieting, I wiped the dirt off my jeans and set off on my way home. I was only a yard away from the edge of the parking lot where I started when someone spun me around abruptly. Her gentle features and small figure personified nurture. She held her arms open, daring me to trust her. “Mom, you came back for me.” My face burst into a joyous smile. I fell into her arms, but instead of being warm and comfortable like any mother’s hugs should be, it felt cold and hard, a brick wall. I tried to shift out of her hug, wonder creasing my brow. “What’s wrong, Asha?” she cackled maniacally. She rolled her eyes at the adoration that she undoubtedly saw in mine. “You were never worthy of my love. I didn’t love you or your brother Aiden,” she said, gesturing toward the squirming babies on the hospital step with her free arm. Her deceptively sweet face shone with malice, and I watched as an animalistic glint appeared in her dark eyes. Her lips spread, and I saw her sharp canine-like teeth. I struggled to get out of her lethal embrace. Her chest rumbled against me; I was still pressed up against her oddly frigid body. That rumble, even though it was mostly inaudible, sounded like a growl. The thought of my mother growling sent a chill up my spine. “You were a burden on my life.” She must’ve gotten sick of watching me wriggle under her gaze. “I’m glad I abandoned you.” Silent tears flowed down my face. Weren’t reunions supposed to be sweet? My tears broke her nonviolent façade. She grabbed my arms and shook me back and forth with otherworldly strength. I cried out on pain when my head snapped forward then back again, and my hair lashed my face leaving throbbing welts in its wake. An earth-shattering screech clawed its way out of my mouth when she slammed me on the ground, small rocks embedding themselves in my flesh. I whimpered when she left again, begging for her, not caring that she didn’t love me and never had. I shrieked when I shot up in bed, a thin layer of sweat covering my body.

Hello! Pink here, (hey, you're a Pink too! that's pretty awesome)
Anyway, you asked for a review so here it is. Now I don't see much I need to nitpick on so I'm not going to do that.

First of all, I love the way you used many different words but sometimes it can be a turn off because there were a few that I didn't even get and had to look up in the dictionary. The setting was weird. I wasn't sure weather she was hiding in a forest, stalking her mother or something. Maybe I was missing something, do tell me if I'm wrong but it was bit confusing in my eyes. At the end, she went insane! I was like, whoa, what's wrong the the chick? Haha, anyways, it was weird and confusing and left me wanting to know a little more of what was going on.
My real critique is on your writing style. As I said before, you use many different words and your descriptions are quite wonderful but for some reason I find it hard to get the flow of the piece. Like it's a little forced. Maybe it's because it's late and I'm tired...well that's for now.
I'll have the next chapter done by tomorrow

Cheers,

~Pink

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