Young Writers Society

Yet another story from me..

PROLOGUE

The silhouette of the mistress stalked across one of the many corridors in the house. It was a time late in the night and the manner was dark. As the young woman passed down the hallway she hummed a slow, sad tune.

Pausing at a door she and opened it slowly. Apparently, the lady was in no hurry to get anywhere, anytime soon. The room was black but you could still make out the bed and dresser that filled it. The miss took no time to light a candle, the lit match still clutched in her hand. The flame started to become very close to her death-white fingers.

At the last second she blew the blaze out, tossing the match down on the dresser. She picked up a pad of paper and pencil and sat down on her bed. The woman merely preferred the warming feeling of the candle’s light to the sting of artificial. She began to draw the candle and its light.

She paused to look up at the mirror. The soft light made her look mysterious but considering she already was made no difference. The light shaped her face, round, pale and beautiful. Her lovely long hair melted into the darkness. The one figure that stood out the most on her were her eyes. They were all her mystery, two large opal eyes, something you didn't see everyday. Smirking she adverted her attention back to her drawing.

After a while, she yawned and decided to retire to bed. Blowing the candle out she watched the smoke rise up and disappear. She set the pad and pencil on the dresser and climbed under the covers on her bed.

... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.....*blank face*....i love you

Why, why, why? Oh why? Did my first "I Will Crit Your Work" request have to be a prologue that, apart from the character's discription, sound exactly like me???!!!

Ok, although the scene setting was actually pretty simple, it seemed to draw you in and conjure the image in your head. I think it's the angle from which it's written makes it feel as though you are watching it as a film. On a personal level, it felt familiar and, quite simply, I liked it, it hooked me, and I would very much like to hear more.

This sounds very interesting and it was short, but well written. The character, on the other hand, I see conflicts with. She is already the typical, cliche gothic character. And, while interesting, these characters do not usually develop very well.

actually she's not gothic...you learn later on why she dresses that way..plus she's not even human I thought when I said she had opal stone eyes that was a hint but oh well..

It was very good and very well written. I LOVE the imagery. I can see everything perfectly in my head. Or at least I think I can because I'll never really know what exactly is in your head. (Are any of us really that good of writers?) The only thing I'm going to tell you to work on is the fact that's she's not human. I had no idea when I read it. YOU know exactly what you meant by giving her opal eyes because you created a whole race and it lives in your head. Presently YOU are the only one that knows of this humaniod opal-eyed race. I don't think you need to go into an explanation of what exactly she is just add a little something to suggest that she may not be human. It may be one word, I'm thinking an adjective maybe.

The prologue didn't really interest me at all and doesn't really say what the book/story is about. Prologues usually are meant to inform the reader a little bit about what will have later in the book or what has happened already.

"It was a time late in the night." Doesn't make sense to me shouldn't it say "It was late at night..."

The discription of the mistress was good especially, "Her lovely long hair melted into the darkness." I can almost see her in my mind so well done for that.

For the last sentance, "She set the pad and pencil on the dresser and climbed under the covers." It sounds as if she went to bed under the dresser, you could have written "She set the pad and pencil down on the dresser and went back to the bed, she then climbed under the covers..." This is a suggestion you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

I think you have a good start here, but there's a few things that you should look out for.

First, punctuation. Most of the mistakes are minor, but I'm anal like that .

So, for instance...

She paused at a door and opened it slowly. Apparently, the lady was in no hurry to get anywhere, anytime soon.

Instead of "anywhere, anytime soon," just write "anywhere anytime soon."

Just look for little things like that. Nothing major, but if you have the correct punctuation, the reading goes smoother and it almost doesn't even seem like you're reading, if you know what I mean.

Also, word choices. In this line:

The miss took no time to light a candle, the lit match still clutched in her hand. The flame started to become very close to her death-white fingers.

I think you should use another word instead of "the miss." It's an awkward use of the pronoun--I had to stop and read it over again for it to make sense to me.

Also, in the next line, you refer to the fire on the match as "a blaze." That does sound really nice, I'll admit, but I think that the use of the word "blaze" is a little too much. I think of a blaze as a huge fire, or a big explosion of light, and you don't really get that from a match being lit. Try to find something more subtle than that.

I noticed too that you said in a later post that you tried to hint that this girl isn't human by talking about her eyes like opal stone. That's something that can be easily looked over; it just sounds like you're describing her eyes as looking like opals--which is strange enough, since opals have a ton of color in them--but if you actually want her eyes to be stones, clarify it a little.

Anyway, nice job!

<~>Jen<~>

Well, I thank all of you for your suggestions and time. I'll take into consideration what all of you said. I have already rewritten the parts where I needed to. So, for now I bid you ado. I will post chapter 1 soon.

I enjoyed your description of this mysterious, somewhat forboding character. I think it leaves a lot unanswered but in a good way that leaves me wanting to continue. I have just two things that I would suggest. Firstly, I think you should switch up sentence construction a bit. You use a lot of good words but they mostly come in the same order: subject, verb, indirect object, prepositional phrase. Or something similar. "She paused at a door and..." "The room was black but.." "The flame started to become..." "She picked up a pad of paper..." In my oppinion it feels somewhat like a list of actions as opposed to a flowing picture. You don't have to do anything major, just for example, instead of "She paused at a door and opened it slowly", "Pausing at the door, she opened it slowly."

Just one other thing, "It wasn’t that she lived in old times; she merely liked the warming feeling of the candle’s light instead of the cold feeling of artificial." This sentence kills the feel of the story for a moment. You are talking to us the readers trying to clarify your setting. Clarification is a good idea... but don't tell us that you are clarifying. Just show us. Something like, "The electric lights could have easily eclipsed the lone flame, but she prefered the warming feeling of the candle's light instead of the cold feeling of the artificial."

Anyways, I realize that I am somewhat late in responding to this so I appologize. But, I did enjoy it and am on my way now over to read chapter 1.

Yes-do clarify that she's not human. I knew because I *cough* scrolled down and glanced at your comment.

Your descriptions are beautiful. I second *singsoffkey*, though, on the electric vs. candlelight sentence. Another similar sentence I'm going to mention is "The soft light made her look mysterious but then again she already was. " "But then again she already was"...doesn't blend very well. Maybe, the soft light enhanced her mysterious figure...? I'm just brainstorming, but you might want to alter that.

I disagree with Mighty Aphrodite about the word blaze. 'Blaze' does connote a large fire or explosion, but if it's dark, the candle flame may just be a blaze. But you can decide.

I'm off to read Chapter One...