Young Writers Society

This is a bit of older somethng that I pulled out recently and edited. So, review at will! And leave the description alone. Nice description... And yes, it drags on terribly.

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Chapter 1a

The setting sun illuminated the craggy mountain face, giving its last, dying light to the worn pillars and ruined towers as they stood stark against the red sky, a last monument to a dead city. In the red light the stone glowed golden as the faded grey marble gathered the dust.

From far away could the city be seen at best; the cliff into which the city was set curving around to mask it from unfriendly eyes, with the waterfall at its lip the only sign of movement. A worn road, once covered with massive flagstones to smooth the way, now snaked its way cracked and broken towards the walls of the city itself.

Once Reinar had been the glory of her residents, a shining jewel of her country. The richly treed forests covering the mountain slopes had been equaled only by the beauty of the hundreds of tiny streams and waterfalls, silver threads sending their sparkling treasure of water to every corner of the valley.

Once fair and wonderful, Rienar was now broken. Never again would the laughter of innocent children ring out on its lonely streets or the sight of the Tower Guards in all their glory be seen as silent sentinels on the sturdy wall.

A figure stood silent and still on the cliff, watching as the last rays of the sun vanished behind the mountain and the cold light of stars began to shine faintly along the eastern horizon. He stood as if frozen as the cold wind of autumn ruffled his long, dark hair, and his worn eyes scanned the horizon. Slowly, a sigh escaped his lips, and he turned away from the broken city laid out before him, lifting with ease the pack lying on the ground to his shoulder.

The way before him was long, broken by long, irregular shadows from the edge of the forest to his right and the abrupt edge of the cliffs on his left, with the city at his back and the stars in front of him. Breathing deep the sweet air of night, he pulled his cloak securely about him to ward off the wind and stepped forth, using his staff to feel the way.

"Hello? Is that someone out there?" A voice drifted out from the shadows, causing him to stop dead in his tracks. Glittering green eyes scanned the broken trees, searching for the speaker of the voice. His hand went to the sheathed sword at his side and he stood back, pose relaxed and ready.

"Come out of the shadows, and state your purpose." His voice was low and soft, surprisingly melodic. A soft crash sounded in the underbrush and a thin figure stumbled out into the moon washed night. The man spoke brightly in answer to his question.

"Thanks heavens I've found someone," he exclaimed. In the stillness of the night the voice seemed overly loud. "I'm Endar Amethus, merchant of sorts. Call me Endar."

A long minute passed as he stood there, surveying Endar in the pale light. He would guess his age at around twenty-five, though his face was youthful and innocent. He wore rich, if somewhat tattered, clothes, and walked as one unaccustomed to the wilderness. Catching a glimpse of the large, bulky pack a small smile graced his hawk-like features.

"Greetings, Endar, you seem far from home, even for a merchant of sorts." He nodded his head in acknowledgment. "I am called Tirian. What brings you to the ruins of Rienar on so glorious a night?"

Endar nodded back courteously. "Oh, ah Rienar? Is that were I am?" His ears perked up. "Is this where you live?" The two men were now only feet apart as Endar continued forwards. Tirian examined the young merchant.

"No," he answered quietly after a while. "No, I do not live here. I am a wanderer like yourself."

I find stories that begin with descriptions mostly boring - they always seem to include the weather, to. I understand how they are good to ease a write into the story, but really, you could delete the first paragraph with little regret.

The third and fourth paragraphs are where the interest, and reader's questions come into play. This is the sort of hooking paragraph you want. Nobody thinks about the weather too much. But as soon as they hear about something they don't know, they are more liklely to read on.

Some of the sentences are too long...which can give the feeling it is too slow. Short, snappy sentence will make your reader feel it is faster when it doesn't even have to be.

eg. "Slowly, a sigh escaped his lips, and he turned away from the broken city laid out before him, lifting with ease the pack lying on the ground to his shoulder."

could become "He let out a slow sigh. Turning away from the broken city before him, he lifted up his pack."

I think sometimes you have become too involved with adding adverbs and adjectives or prepositons....in the prior example, you describe where his pack was which was essentially redundant.

Here - "The way before him was long, broken by long, irregular shadows from the edge of the forest to his right and the abrupt edge of the cliffs on his left, with the city at his back and the stars in front of him."

I don't like this. Too many different places at once. I had to read it another time to understand. Never a good thing. You also repeated "long" twice which made it feel clunky.

"Thanks heavens I've found someone," he exclaimed. In the stillness of the night the voice seemed overly loud. "I'm Endar Amethus, merchant of sorts. Call me Endar."

A long minute passed as he stood there, surveying Endar in the pale light. He would guess his age at around twenty-five, though his face was youthful and innocent. He wore rich, if somewhat tattered, clothes, and walked as one unaccustomed to the wilderness. Catching a glimpse of the large, bulky pack a small smile graced his hawk-like features.

"Greetings, Endar, you seem far from home, even for a merchant of sorts."

A minute is a very long time to look at someone. A human's brain could take in all that information in a matter of seconds. Also, when does a conversation ever pause for a full minute? not when people are introducing themselves. It's too awkward. Oh, and that should be "Thank heavens".

"He nodded his head in acknowledgment" - confusing pronoun, replace it with the name of whoever is nodding their head.


Overall, it was well written, just take what I said into account.

By the way, I noticed it was Chapter 1a...does this mean it's only a section of Chapter 1? I'm asking because I thought it ended rather abruptly otherwise.

Yes, it's very hard to part with my beloved description. The best thing to do is write it and then cut most of it out. But, I am getting better. The first segment of solid description used to be... 500 words or so. Outrageous, I know. And yes, the first chapter by itself was much to long so I just posted the first part here. More to come later, and thanks for your comments, they helped alot.

You don't necessarily have to cut out all of the descriptions. Start it out with some action done by Tirian, then add some personal thoughts of his. Add descriptions after this. Descriptions are also quite effective when done in the character's head. For example:

"Kareis perked up happily the moment she entered the room. In the corner nestled a cozy pink chair. Beneath her feet lay a rug so plush she could lie down in it and hide from even a bloodhound..."

A different person's perspective of the same room:

"This was by far the lamest room he'd ever seen. Unicorns were plastered over the walls like some sort of Picasso painting, and the floor was a slightly mowed forest of calf-scour yellow. It threatened to eat his ring if it was dropped..."

Not that you have any troubles with descriptions. That's just an interesting thing I learned. It's kind of fun, and I think it'd do quite well in your hands.
Of course, this is simple advice, and you don't have to take it. I agree with Fire's suggestions fullheartedly, which is why I didn't repeat them.
Very good, and you've got me curious. I always like a dark, mysterious character.

Thank you, one and all. The next bit. Cause I'm bored. *sigh* Too long, dragged out, and in serious need of editing. Maybe I should rewrite the whole thing... Now there's an idea.

Chapter 1b

Endar nodded and caught his first sight of the devastation, now eerily lit in the moonlight with stars as its backdrop. His mouth dropped quietly open. "Oh," he mumbled. "Ruined city." Remaining silent as he contemplated this magnificent, tragic, sight, he shook his head and turned to Tirian. "I don't suppose there's a good inn around here? I seem to be very, very, lost." He sighed. "This is the last time I go anywhere without a guide, no matter how exorbitant their prices are."

Shaken from his silent reverie, Tirian blinked his eyes. "What? No, I'm afraid no one lives here any more. Not many even know of this place." He looked sideways at Endar. "You're lost?"

Endar nodded in confirmation, examining Tirian with bright eyes. "Are you some kind of warrior?" he questioned, eyes resting on his sword. "Can I hire you to guard me and guide me back to whatever passes for civilization around here? How do you know where we are? Why are you here?" he exploded in a single breath of air.

A short laugh came from Tirian. "No, I am no warrior. I am a bard, which also explains why I am here."

Looking puzzled, Endar leaned forward. "It does?"

"A bard often tells stories of long ago, and I am compiling a history of Rienar." Tirian waved an arm back towards the city. "It has a long and tragic story, one that needs telling." His voice grew soft and once again his look grew far away.

Endar stared for a long minute at Tirian's hard face, and then turned for one more glimpse of the shadowy city. "Really," he murmured softly. A spark of light caught and held his gaze as it burst into being in the city. "Tirian, somebody must be there, look at the light."

Tirian snapped out of his thoughtful daze, his eyes hard. "What? Where, show me," he demanded. Endar pointed out the shifting glow of a light shining faintly from one of the mostly-standing wall towers. It was small, almost lost amid the twinkling of the stars. Tirian's breath caught.

"Hey, maybe it's somebody who can give me a good night's rest," Endar said hopefully. His gaze turned to Tirian. "What do you think?" He blinked as he saw Tirian striding purposefully towards the cliff edge, his hand resting on his sword hilt. "Ah, Tirian?"

Tirian stood balanced inches from the cliff edge, his staff firmly anchoring him to the ground and his gaze trained to the city, trying to take in as much of the sight as he could. Dread and trepidation welled up in him and his breathing quickened as he stood motionless. Silence fell across the cliff top as the wind blew against his stone hard face. He turned without a word and silently, quickly, made his way back along the rocky point jutting out from the rock face over the city.

For one split second Endar simply stood there, stunned in amazement as Tirian moved like a cat from shadow to shadow. His mouth hanging open in surprise, he moved sluggishly after him, throwing nervous glances at the light up ahead. The muffled scuffing sound of his boots on the dry rocky ground seemed magnified by the sudden, chilling stillness.

Tirian's silent walk was abruptly stopped as he came to the bank of a swift, churning river. His eyes narrowed, he followed its course to the cliffs edge were it plunged to the forest below with a dull, muffled roaring sound, the spray a glittering cascade of diamonds in the moon's light. Head pounding, Tirian turned once more to the light, still shining like a beacon out of the closest wall tower. He bit his lip and tapped a finger on the cold metal hilt under his palm.

Walking clumsily, Endar came to a stumbling halt behind Tirian, his expression shocked and curious. "What's wrong?" he asked. Tirian put up a hand to quiet him.

"Nobody's supposed to be here, more precisely nobody has the kings permission to be here." Tirian kept his eyes trained on the light as he talked to Endar in a low, terse, whisper. "It might simply be a traveler seeking shelter for the night." But the feeling in the pit of his stomach told him different. "I need to know what's going on. And be quiet, sound travels far over these cliffs. Though," he added in frustration, "Anyone close enough to hear us now should already know where we are."

Endar watched once more as Tirian strode away, following the river's course to the cliff. Excitement rising in him, Endar hurried after him. "I'll come with you," he said. Tirian stopped and gave him one long look. Endar shifted nervously under his scrutiny. Finally Tirian spoke.

"All right," he said, nodding speculatively. "Follow my lead and don't do anything rash."

Using his staff to feel the way, Tirian marched right up to the lip of the cliff, poking and probing at the rocky edge. Endar dumbly followed, trying to stay as quiet as possible. Whispering and muttering to himself, eyes narrowed in concentration, Tirian moved to the right along the cliff.

It was here, he knew it was. Many years ago it had been carved out of the rock face, nearly imperceptible unless one knew what to look for; a path, a narrow ledge running down the cliffs to the wall. A rock clattered loudly against his staff, causing Tirian to wince. He exhaled a slow breath as he caught sight of a narrow depression in the lip of the cliff. Relief and some amount of triumph filled him as he knelt and examined the path and the breathtaking drop over the cliff.

It was here, just like he had known. A confident smile on his face, Tirian took one step and dropped off the side of the cliff. His booted feet made grating sounds against the loose stone as he caught his balance and pressed his back against the wall. His ears caught a gasp of shock from Endar as the merchant realized he was missing.

Not making a noise, Tirian caught Endar's attention with a wave of his arm and beckoned him on behind him. Ignoring the shocked expression on his face, Tirian waited until Endar had gingerly approached the lip of the cliff before moving. Taking a deep, calming breath, Tirian began the trek downward.

The journey down the narrow trail in the dead of night was harrowing and slow, the path winding steeply down with large sections long missing from rock fall and erosion. Tirian's pack weighed him down, light though it was, and he staggered slightly as he boots sought purchase on the sliding rocks. Tiny cracks in the wall provided some amount of security as he clung to them with stiff and aching fingers.

The path ran straight across the cliff face, and the route it traveled took them directly under the waterfall. Drops of water sprayed over the rock, soaking it and making it perilously slippery. Tirian edged under the main flow of water and gasped as the icy water hit his cheek. Gritting his teeth, he continued with painstaking carefulness. Each boot edged forward inch by inch and he slowly moved directly under the waterfall.

I'm not a description basher. But it isn't a great story either.

It's a likeable story, I'll give you that.

Anyways, the amount of Fantasy Genre stories which have characters named Reinar, or Endar, is amazing. I know it's pretty easy to come up with something from the top of your head, and those are usually the kinds of names that pop out... But, really, seriously, you should give it a little more time. No-- I don't want you to go to http://rinkworks.com/namegen/, and generate a couple of names for your characters -THOUGH I WOULDN'T JUDGE YOU-, but you should try to spend at least two minutes thinking about names. I mean, they are an important character feature... don't you think?

Anyways, it's nicely written, except for the things that Firestarter has already picked out. You really should try to keep yopur sentences snappy. I LOVED Lord of the Rings, but I rarely had the spirit to lift it up and read. Guess why? Because of the goddamned pages Tolkien took to describe a mushroom!

But... anywhooo... which is, in fact, a variation, of anyways... Nice post.

Comment on 1A:

There was too many things described I had to start reading it from the start again.

When you wrote, "using his staff to feel the way" I thought the man, Tirian, was blind until I read, "glittering green eyes scanned the broken trees".

What I don't understand is how quickly it became dark, when the sun sets it doesn't become night straight away. What confused me was, "a thin figure stumbled out into the moon washed night" and then it says, "surveying Endar in the pale light". Where did the "light" suddenly come from?

Wrong spelling "Is that were I am?" change it to something like "Is that where I am?".

Comment on 1B:

The start is OK so far.

"A spark of light caught and held his gaze as it burst into being in the city". What does "being in the city" mean?

Wrong, "Tirian's breath caught", it's "Tirian caught his breath." Do they have excellent eyesight to be able to see "a faint light" from a cliff?

"It was here, he knew it was", who knew what was where?

Overall there is too much unnecessary details that makes reading a little boring and long, cut out the unwanted bits and it will be a little bit better. Don't wasted time describing something that's not too important otherwise readers tend to get bored and throw away the book, if you know what I'm saying to say.