Shadows -Part 2

“Halia, Are you in there? Come on, stay with me now!” I could hear the voice of my adopted brother faded in the background. My eyes felt like they had been super glued shut for a year, but they opened within time.
“God don’t scare me like that!” exclaimed Jay. He helped me up into a sitting position; I could hear the screams and screeching of the shadows coming their way.
“How long was I out?” I asked, rubbing my head and rising to my feet.
“About five minutes, you got knocked in the head by a shadow and passed out. I killed it but he sent for more to come,” He said handing me my daggers; I placed one of them in my left hand and the other in my right. I looked over at Jay, he smiled his lets kick their asses smile. He wore black, a hoodie and some faded blue jeans. He had his bow and arrows on his back and a seraph blade in his right hand. I turned my body to the entrance of the dark, abandoned ballet studio. The walls were covered in mirrors; I looked at my reflection as I scanned myself up and down just checking if I was in a suitable state. I had my black leather pants on with her gold sparkly thigh sheath folding her sword; her tank top was black with gold sparkles that spelt Attitude on it. I closed my eyes and wondered how Lailia was; it was her first day of school today. She is my little sister, she’s small, has the cutest smile, and she can bite. I felt a breeze on my neck and gave a grim smile. I gripped harder on my dagger and swung around, a shadow was standing right in front of me, I felt like puking when I saw how pretty she was...but you know what people say… pretty on the outside, dark on the inside. I lifted my knee up and into her stomach; she gave a small cry and fell to the ground. I flipped my dagger into the correct direction and pierced in into her heart. I watched as she disappeared into black dust, I looked over at Jay; he was struggling on the floor with a shadow on top of him. I rushed over to him, as I was about to stab the shadow in the back in leaped off of him and on to one of the pillars. It clawed itself up and onto the roof and disappeared. I heard Jay slowly get up and tip toe to me.
“Do you think it’s gone?” He whispered, something inside me twisted when I heard the scream of the shadow. I knew that this shadow wasn’t like the others. It was different, in a very bad way.
“No, it’s still in here,” I whispered back, my hands shaking. “Watching us,”


I hope you all like it. I'm very eager to hear your thoughts.

Smexaykk01 wrote:“Halia, Are you in there? Come on might want to put a comma there.stay with me now!” I could hear the voice of my adopted brother faded in the background. My eyes felt like they had been super glued shut for a year, but they opened within time.
“Godanother comma? don’t scare me like that!” exclaimed Jay. He helped me up into a sitting position; I could hear the screams and screeching of the shadows coming their way.
“How long was I out?” I asked, rubbing my head and rising to my feet.
“About five minutes, u(you) got knocked in the head by a shadow and passed out. I killed it but he sent for more to come,” He said handing me my daggers; I placed one of them in my left hand and the other in my right. I looked over at j(J)ay, he smiled his lets-kick-their-asses smile. He wore black, a hoodie and some faded blue jeans. He had his bow and arrows on his back and a seraph blade in his right hand. I turned my body to the entrance of the dark, abandoned ballet studio. The walls were covered in mirrors; I looked at my reflection as I scanned myself up and down just checking if I was in a suitable state. I had my black leather pants on with her gold sparkly thigh sheath folding her sword; her tank top was black with gold sparkles that spelt Attitude on it. I closed my eyes and wondered how Lailia was; it was her first day of school today. She is my little sister, she’s small, has the cutest smile, and she can bite. I felt a breeze on my neck and gave a grim smile. I gripped harder on my dagger and swung around, a shadow was standing right in front of me, I felt like puking when I saw how pretty she was...but you know what people say… pretty on the outside, dark on the inside. I lifted my knee up and into her stomach; she gave a small cry and fell to the ground. I flipped my dagger into the correct direction and pierced in into her heart. I watched as she disappeared into black dust, I looked over at Jay; he was struggling on the floor with a shadow on top of him. I rushed over to him, as I was about to stab the shadow in the back in(it) leaped off of him and on to one of the pillars. It clawed itself up and onto the roof and disappeared. I heard Jay slowly get up and tip toe to me.
“Do you think it’s gone?” He whispered,period or semi-colon something inside me twisted when I heard the scream of the shadow. I knew that this shadow wasn’t like the others. It was different, in a very bad way.
“No, it’s still in here,” I whispered back, my hands shaking. “Watching us,”


I hope you all like it. I'm very eager to hear your thoughts.

This was very very good. I enjoyed it a lot. The story was gripping. Your sentences are a bit too similar though. Try changing them up a bit. You start a lot of sentences with the same words, change it up. All and all it was really good. I can't wait to read what you post next.