What He Came For (chapter one)

"What is his name?" I shouted out into the silent crowd. I looked from face to face, and whenever I met their eyes they looked down not totally ashamed of what they had done.
I wasn't usually the one to stand up in front of a crowd, but what they had done was atrocious. My community stood before me and said nothing. I suddenly felt the sudden urge to shrink back into a corner and become invisible.
NO! I would not stand and let this happen. A man lay dying on the street while his perpetrators stood around him with smug expressions slapped on their faces. They had no remorse and no heart.
"WHAT IS HIS NAME!" I exploded. No one answered; no one cared. I had had the last of this hostility. "GO!" I told them. When they didn't move at first I screamed it again and again until finally the crowd started to brake.
My friends and family would never look at me the same after this, but I didn't care. I ran over to him and knelt on the ground. His face was streaked with blood and both of his eyes looked to have been painted black. his lower lip was busted, and he didn't look like he had much longer to live. "What's your name?" I whispered. my voice was hoarse from the yelling.
"Isaiah," he croaked back. He painfully slid his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small metal box about the size of my hand. "Keep this safe for me will you?" his breathing became shallow and his eyes began to close. The last words he spoke to me were, "don't worry about me, for I am assured after death." What did he mean?

Hiya TNG100! I'm Selene and am happy to be at your service. *bows* I hope I can help!

Nit-Pickiness:

NO!

This would look a lot more professional if it was in italics.

"WHAT IS HIS NAME!"

This is a question, hun. Like the prior, please change it to italics.

"GO!"

Again, italicize.

his lower lip was busted, and he didn't look like he had much longer to live.

Capitalize "his".

"What's your name?" I whispered. my voice was hoarse from the yelling.

It would sound a lot better if you changed this to "'What's your name?' I whispered, my voice hoarse from yelling."

"Keep this safe for me will you?"

Comma after "for me".

"don't worry about me, for I am assured after death."

Capitalize "don't".

I looked from face to face, and whenever I met their eyes they looked down not totally ashamed of what they had done.

Make this into two sentences.

Length:

This seemed to be more like a prologue than a chapter. Chapters usually have a few more pages than this, and the ones I prefer to read are quite lengthy. If you want to change this to a prologue that's great, but if you want to really make it into a hearty chapter filled with the good stuff I suggest adding in some spice. Along with the basics, of course. What I mean is more dialogue, more character development, and, my favorite, descriptive language! That's right, add some juicy details to have us, the readers, hanging on to our seats. Cliff-hangers are always nice, but just go wild! My best advice from my own experience is just to let loose and you'll have pages filling up in no time at all. Try not to be so cautious, because fixing it up can be done later. You'll see after you try that the your style of writing, as well as quality, will begin to peep out at you. Then you can take it from there.

Overall:

Anyway, I liked the intensity I got from this. It's a rather short piece, but I think the beginning needs a bit of work. You want something that grabs your reader by the collar and screams 'Read me! Now!'

The flow of your sentences need a bit of improvement. If you read it through aloud you'll see what I mean.

Good job, though! Your relatively new, right? Well welcome to YWS! Sorry if I was a bit harsh. :/ But if you ever need a review again or need help with anything, feel free to PM me.

The best part is how intense it is. Personally I also like where this piece seems to be steering, with

My friends and family would never look at me the same after this, but I didn't care

and the box the man gives to him/her is an interesting beginning.
Some nice descriptions of both his physical state and the characters emotions through their actions, which are conveyed well.

? after

"WHAT IS HIS NAME!"

also.

Selene has covered everything I would change and the grammar so, good piece, keep writing.

Is this an entire chapter? have you mapped the entire story out chapter to chapter? My point is this may serve well as an epilogue but it seems far to short to be a complete chapter. Theres obviously mystery surrounding the box she receives which is a nice touch. But may be difficult to explain in later chapters eg, why was this man carrying this precious box about if murderers roam the streets in packs killing people at (seemingly) random. Don't get me wrong its a compelling piece its length just leaves it wanting. I don't mean to be harsh because there are positives to be found in this piece it just seemed far to short to be a complete chapter!

Hey there TNG100.

First off, how can the crowd not hear the main character shouting out at the top of his lungs? Surely it would of had caught some sort of attention. The only way that this is feasible is if there's a lot of people busy talking and going about with their daily lives to notice him. This needs to be developed further. Why would the crowd ignore the boy? You can't just say that they are heartless and cruel; that's just an unconvincing generalization. How can you be certain that everyone is like that? Human nature isn't just black and white.

And the second half of this isn't any better. Why would a dying man be willing to give the main character something precious in his last moments? Why would the main character even bother to help him out? It's random and makes no sense.

When I had finished reading this, I was wondering to myself "Why couldn't the boy just ask the dying man for the name?" Really, about 3/4 of this piece is irrelevant because of this point (unless you have a good reason as to why the boy would much rather shout to a crowd for a name rather than just simply asking him).

I think this has potential, but you really need to think this over. The whole piece just feels rushed and random because everything happens without reason.

If you need more help, feel free to PM me.

Laters.

Andy.

It's a great story but I'm just wondering if you're going to develop it. You kind of hinted that you're probably going to continue it. Anyway, review time:

TNG100 wrote:"What is his name?"

Maybe it's just because I'm one of those young, new english punks but I feel the sentence would feel more relatable if it became What's. In any case if you were deliberately trying to strain the characters voice like a plea then it's fine.

TNG100 wrote:I shouted out into the silent crowd

Once again the sentence doesn't flow totally. When writing an intense seen make use of short syllabled words and short sentences:

I shouted into the gathering crowd. I looked from face to face, and whenever I met their eyes they l just looked down, unashamed of what they had done.

Wait a second what had they done? I felt a difference between perpetrators and crowd and of course if someone died then there would be commotion. What did the crowd do?

I wasn't usually the one to stand up in front of a crowd, but what they had done was atrocious. My community stood before me and said nothing.[/quote]

Again what did they do and also try change it to: My community stood before but said nothing.

[quote="TNG100 wrote:What did he mean?

Rather make it something to really wrap up the story: I clutched the metal box tightly and could only wonder what he meant...

Overall: The main thing to revise here is to make the story flow. It should roll off the toungeu easily, short syllables and combinations. Describe the crowd a tad more, were they shocked. They can't just stand there, it feels weird. Maybe they should just look and pass bvy, maybe a distant ambulance.

Great Story however, PM if you write more! Thanks.

Dang, Tosha...Your good.
well of corse i've always known that
heehee:) but this is really good....
keep it up...(i know you will)
=P

Ooh goodness. I got chills.
This definitely made me excited! I like it. I have the urge to read more!
Him being in a crowd shouting is so mysterious, and I hope it is explained when you enter more (Please enter more!)
Good job! I will be looking for more of your writing.
~Classy

Hi there! I'm Irish I shall gape at the awesomeness of this today.

*gapes*

That was great! I loved it! Although the caps, you could've done without, but still it was fantastic! I loved the intensity of it, and it was just *spazzes* great! If you write more I would love to see it!

Thats all I really have to say!

Keep up the fantastic work!

-Irish

For such a small piece to be so intense it was amazing. Everybody pointed out the flows so I'm not gonna rub on them anymore. It was and it is a great piece of writing that leaves you wondering of what is going to happen next. And if you ask me, if a piece leaves you with that feel, it is bound to get better as it goes on.
Cheers and good luck

This was good, everything was pretty much said. I like the suspense, I'm one for a book that makes me think "Dun dun Duuun!" you know those notes or keys, when you just like oh my! what's going to happen next, well that's what I felt. Most enjoyable!