Days into Aradon Chapter One sec 1, 2

The sun seems to be hiding today, again. It's the spring in Seattle.
The rain pours on my face as I look up to find the sun trying to hide behind Hanners Mountain.
I 'm taking my afternoon walk from Jamie's house. Tonight we finished our biology project about stars and meteors.You know what, the rain feels like meteors right now.

Who knew it would rain? The forecaster said it would just be cold all day. He never said anything about a thunderstorm. I played with my invisibilty powers. No one was watching my hands. I watch them dissapear and appear over and repeatedly over again.

After thinking to myself, the sun slipped away from my sight and the equator swallowed it up; leaving a tint of a scary orange on the horizon. I wiped my brow. That didn't do anything. I am sweating. I've been walking 3 miles.

A heavy, black cloud follows me around. Quite ironic: I've been having a bad day today.

Three things happened today at school: I told Arny I was attracted to him. His close friend got jealous and flipped out on me. Arny ended up going out with her because he felt "bad" for her. What's up with that? Right when that happened, I wished I dissapeared, but then that would've ruined my super- natural identity; who I am.


A car honks at me and zooms away. I remind myself I'm on a dangerous freeway. I move towards the grass to prevent cars from crashing into me because of the slippery and windy roads; not to mention crshing from the blurry air. The sky is dark blue.

You know what I say? That's like telling someone you love them and watching them turn their backs to be with someone who hates your guts out of jealousy. Well, that's what it exactly is, actually.

A cold wind breaks onto my skin. There popped in an idea!! The idea was like frosty lips kissing the edge of my mind. Vengeance. That will happen tomarrow.

I began walking side by the GreenGates Apartment Buildings. That's where my friend Jacob lives. The expensive buildings were shining brightly in the dark and gloomy air color.

I turn around. Is there someone behind me? I just felt like someone was following me for a second there... it was probably my imagination.

I kept walking forward. I see a drug store. It's the Valero. I check my pockets for money. Yes, I have five bucks. I notice the drug store is open and no cars are at the lot. The bushes behind the building were rustling leaves in circles as they skiied on the gravel.

I put my hand over my Jesus Cross for protection. Faith. This place looked deserted and scary. I calmed down and went in to grab my snacks. The woman at the counter checked out my snacks and I open the glassy doors to continue my walk towards home.

All of a sudden, the ground is falling down!! No, it's me! Wait, what's happening? Everything is spinning and turning! Am I flying? Gravity wasn't pulling at my feet. I kept elevating faster and faster up and down between the celing and floor of the store. What's going on? I let go of my bag watching food scatter.

I glimpse around seeing that the checkout lady hid under her chair that is glued to the floor. She's secure, but I'm not. I realize what's happening now! It was maybe an earthquake. But, how was I levatating?

bam the floor stopped. I stopped. Everything stopped. No movement. I ran outside. i'm afraid, now. What just happened? Is there damage outside? I'm by myself on the car lot. No cracked streets or fallen street pole lights. Nothing happened?

I look over my head. Explanation: A high breeze rises against me. A blazing-blue light shines from behind the tall-rised bushes behind the store. I run to it....afraid.

It reminded me of a meteor. Maybe that is what it was, a meteor. The light dimmed down as I shaded my face from the strong beams of razor-sharp lights. A meteor crashed to Earth. That is what shaked me. I wonder if anyone else felt it, outside this area.

A boy ran up beside me. It was Arny?! Did he feel it to? Why hadn't I seen him before?

He looked to me seriously. " You have to come with me to Aradon." he said. What was Aradon? Why was he talking to me after he told me "no" to my request at school?

His hands began to shake...then the Earth beneath my feet. He held my arms and looked to me straight in the eyes. What was going on? A blue light from behind us, from the meteor, struck his right side of his face. I could see every detail on his face. What did he want me to do? The quake stopped. I calmed down and steadied my feet.

Why was he holding me? I had to get home! I had to run to safety. I began to blush and I had to hide myself, no matter if I ruined my identity of being a supernatural girl. I wanted to hide myself, my feelings, and my face. I disapearred. But he didn't let go. Again, the ground shook, but I wasn't elevating back up and down. I was flying.

Arny looked up and flew into the night. He was also like me. He was a special individual as I was. He was a flyer. He's the one that shook the ground beneath my feet. How did the meteor come at just the right time? " You never made it seem like you had powers." I say astonished. He remains quiet.

He looked down to me as I am still invisible to him. I can hear the sound of water falling down to the streets and can smell the aroma of smoke and wet grass under me. It's a good smell. I feel the rain on my skin and see Arny's lips moving.

He's saying something. " I attract light." He says watching me think. I hold onto his neck that holds me up. What light was he talking to me about? " That's how the star landed." He said and smiles.

So, it was his fault a meteor hit Earth. It really must've been a little star. I'm confused about something: " How did you attract the star?" I ask.

" Why did you?" I add in. He begins flying forward. It's incredible. " I was looking for you." He sais quietly looking straight in front of him. " What do you mean? You should have called me." I say. "I couldn't. Thunderstorm. " He replies.

" You're really weird." I say looking down. I'm afraid of heights!! I panic. " Stop." He says getting a hold of my forearms. " Let me go, now!" I begin crying, but he barely notices. " What if I told you, our lives are darkness." I stop and listen as he carries me through the heavy air.

"What?" I ask.

" Think about it. Life is our darkness. What would you do if I was the light?"

" Are you saying you want to go out, cause--"

" Not what I meant," He says. I feel embarrassed.

"Then what are you saying to me?" i ask desparetly.

" I'm saying that life is our darkness and our hearts must over come it with light. There is a light and it's coming closer to the day." He sais.

" Are you speaking Shakespeare?" I ask.

The rain stops. The sky is turning green.

" Pull that key." he sais. It's in his pocket. I just pull it out. What did he want?

" What about it?" I ask. ' Give it to me, please." He asks . I hand it to him curiosly
.

" You will find a stone at your house inside of a hidden box. You have to open it with the key. I heard you have it.--"

"Have what?"
" The light," He sais. " To bring it back to Aradon."

" What are you talking about?" I ask looking up at his handsome face.

" Your life will die unless you can find Aradon and secure the final book. People will have already left now and we're the future...I've seen it."

I'm falling from the sky. He had let go of me. I scream.


All I think about is : Life, Darkness, Light, heart and KEY.
Where was I supposed to go? What just happened. I'm diving into the ocean. I sware I was just falling to the ground. I'm in the water being forced down. God! God! The currents spin me away into bubbles that come from a water cave. I being pulled into it.Save me, Save me!!!! I'm in there now. I'm being sucked in. I cant' breathe. I hear voices. Then ine voice. It's Arny's: "I'll meet you." He wasn't there. It was complete darkness. I just heard his voice circling the edge of my confused mind. I remember his words and gasp for my breath, if it's my last.


_______________________________________________________________________________________


Blood. No, it's my bed cover. Red colors. Light enters my room from the window with heavy shudders. I close my eyes. Had i been dreaming? Did that just happen? My hair feels wet and smells like rain. Had I been sleeping this entire time? I wasn't...was I? Was it all a dream, everything?...... I look at my room. Why is my room empty? Nothing is inside. I notice I'm on my floor. No bed frame, no pictures, no piano, no anything. What happened in here? What happened to me? Where was I? The morning light drew it's light higher and higher up into my room.

I ran downstairs. Empty rooms. Where was everyone?

By the end of the tour, my house had been found completely empty. Just me. I ran outside. Most of the hills were the same as before. Am I dreaming again?

"I've met you before." A man sais. he has black hair and baby blue eyes. He looks like Arny from school. It's probably his father....?

" Woman." The man sais running from the street. He has a casual tee and jeans on with converse. He looks about 25.

"Man...?" I say trying to figure out why he called me woman. I'm only fourteen years old.

He wraps his arms around me as I tug at his elbow to let go of me. Why was this stranger holding me?

" I have the box, I grabbed it when I was younger before oyu moved back in." He says.

" A box?" I ask.

Something way out there in my mind reminded me of someone saying something important about a box... or hidden box... or something...

It was Arny, but it was just from my dreams that told me that. Something about Light, and darkness, a Key, and Aradon.

He smiled at me and hugged me closer.

"Who are you?" I asked and back away.

" Arnold. But you, Paige ,can call me Arny." He comes to hold me again.

I gulp deeper into my throat I have ever gulped.

So, the dream as real. Or, should I say, everything that happened in my dreams had really happened and was never a dream. I'm confusing myself. It was never a dream.... it happened before...but when?

He noticed my expression.

" Paige, it's the future now. We're still alive in the present. I'm older than the time tense I'm supposed to be in right now and so are you. Aradon is coming back to kill us. We have to open the box," He says. I begin rememebering his words from the "past" or as he calls it the "present".

" You have the key?" He asks.

I look into my pocket. There it is. Golden and bright.

" We have to bring the box to Aradon and open it to give out light." He says.

I began pinching myself. It's a dream. I thought that 78 times.

" You're not dreaming." He says still holding me.

" I am dreaming, Arny!!! I'm dreaming. Nothing ever happens like this! I'm scared and I feel alone and knowing that I'm alone makes me know that I'm dreaming in a world that never goes away." I start crying. I was scared, I am scared. I want this all to be over! Let's go back to the beginning, back to when everything was normal."

" Well, this is happening right now. You're not alone and one way to prove it..." he was trying to comfort me, but why did he stop? He leans in and kisses me. His warm mouth circling over my slightly opened little mouth. He's a man and I'm a woman, he sais. Now, I know what my mother must have felt like being kissed suprisingly by someone she really liked and didn't know what to say to.

" It's time to go." He sais.

" To bring a box and a key to Aradon..." I say weakly. ", got it." I say.

I climb Arnold's back as I see a small box under his left arm. He's carrying me.


Where ever we go, I know that some one is always going to make feel that every single thing that happens to me, is for a reason leading to a brighter future. That's what Arny from the "present" told me. He said that a box and a key was set for the future to be brighter. He used the word "light" to describe it.

"Where is Aradon?" I ask whispering into his ear as my jaw rests on his shoulder.

" In heaven." He says.

" But you have to die to get there." I say to him.

" True, but we're special guests because we're the only one alive on the aerth at the time." He says quietly/

We're walking down the road . I look back just once to see my house. It looks really old now. I guess I really did go to the future. Now, I'm with Arny feeling like we're the only ones to save the world from this "darkness".... Whatever it truly is. I close my eyes to rest.

I don't want to fall asleep though, I might fall into another dream. Just incase something goes wrong and I end up maybe even going to the past when I was three years old.

I can't sleep also because, if I did, Arny could disappear from my hold and I would cry.

I know there's a way home. I'm just not there yet. There's only one person in the world right now lifting weight off my shoulders. Arny. He brought me here in the first place. He was my way back too.

Who knew it would rain?

Seattle is known for its rain, so much so that it's almost a stereotype. It's always raining Seattle, just like it's always sunny is Florida and California. Which isn't true, of course. Of course Seattle would have sunny days, or it'd be a giant puddle by now, and of course California and Florida have rain, or they'd be nothing but desert. But for those who don't live in/have never been to Seattle, even if they know that it's not always raining there, that still seems out of place. Maybe add a line or two about the weather leading up to that point, the lack of rain, maybe even some warm sunshine, though the warm part might depend on how early/late in spring it is.

Unless your character isn't in Seattle. But I did a google search for Hanners Mountain, Hanner's Mountains, Hannah mountain, and the last one was the only one that had a result, and that was in British Columbia. So is she (I'm assuming it's a she) there?

All of a sudden, the ground is falling down!! No, it's me! Wait, what's happening? Everything is spinning and turning! Am I flying? Gravity wasn't pulling at my feet. I kept elevating faster and faster up and down between the celing and floor of the store. What's going on? I let go of my bag watching food scatter.

Ack, not good. For one thing, you only need one exclamation point. Double punctuation is a no-no. The next thing is the word 'sudden'. Don't say sudden, show sudden. "The next thing I knew, the ground was falling from beneath my feet," or something to that effect. Given the dream-like state of the piece up to this point, the sudden switch of topics should be enough.

bam the floor stopped. I stopped. Everything stopped. No movement. I ran outside.

Instead of putting it in bold text, try making it its own line. "Bam! The floor stopped."
[/quote] Why was this stranger holding me? [/quote]
A random, 25-year-old guy calls out to you, runs across the street at you, and grabs you. First instinct: get away. Not wonder why he's holding you. In the middle of a city, it's probably best to ignore him when he calls out to you in the first place, not stop and reply. You're liable to end up dead in a ditch that way.

" I am dreaming, Arny!!! I'm dreaming. Nothing ever happens like this! I'm scared and I feel alone and knowing that I'm alone makes me know that I'm dreaming in a world that never goes away."

Aw. Poor kid. But no smiley faces. Granted, that's showing in the truest sense, but it's too much so. Show us her face expression without, you know, actually showing it to us via a picture.

He leans in and kisses me.

I know, I know it's Arny, but she's fourteen years old, and he's about twenty-five. I know there's a bit of editing to their bodies via time travel and such, but if she's in an adult's body now, perhaps show it a bit more before you lead up to the kiss? Otherwise it's kinda creepy.

Also! On the time-travel bit, it's really easy for it to be confusing, so maybe you should clarify exactly what happened. One minute she's falling, the next she's waking up in bed, and the next, we find out she's in the future. It's still really unclear who this Aradon guy is, too. At first, I thought they were supposed to save this place called Aradon, but now it looks like Aradon is a bad guy that they need to stop. Maybe when he's first mentioned, have Arny explain it a bit more. After all, she has no idea who/what/where Aradon is, so it'd be perfectly natural for her to ask and receive further explanation.

I know there's a way home. I'm just not there yet. There's only one person in the world right now lifting weight off my shoulders. Arny. He brought me here in the first place. He was my way back too.

Poetic ending!

Something I noticed with your writing: In the beginning, when there really was no other character for her to interact with, no dialogue, nothing happening but her thoughts, really, it was much smoother. It was almost dream-like. The word that comes to mind is fuzzy. It was soft and smooth and you sort of just drifted along with it. Then, starting at the earthquake moment, things got rocky, literally and figuratively. You jumped from one scene to the next with very little explanation, and you began to discuss the focus of the rest of the book, which is Aradon, without really explaining clearly what/who it is, what you need to do, and why. You also start to make a lot of typos in that section. It's almost as if you were rushed when doing the main part there, but were able to take your time with everything else.

Also, and this is just for my own curiosity, why are they the only two people on earth now? What happened? Interesting note for future chapters.

Overview:

First of all, I found the arc of the story (the plot, the natural curve of events) to be extremely confusing and disconnected. We have the world of your MC's thoughts in part one, and a totally different and completely unexplained world in part two that has almost no relation to part one. This is not to say that the concept of their time travel is bad, not at all. There just isn't enough detail in part one to let us know why the time travel happened, who/what Aradon is or why he's/it's coming to kill them in part two, when in part one it seems like they have to save him/it.


Character:
We need more information about your MC. We have her thoughts, but they tell us very little about who she is, why she has these powers. We don't even learn her name until the end of part two, and that is way too late.


You're doing an awful lot of telling and not so much showing with your characterization. This is a pitfall of first-person writing. We tend to use the inner-monologue as an info-dump to catch the readers up to speed with what we, the writer, automatically know. For example:

Three things happened today at school: I told Arny I was attracted to him. His close friend got jealous and flipped out on me. Arny ended up going out with her because he felt "bad" for her. What's up with that? Right when that happened, I wished I dissapeared, but then that would've ruined my super- natural identity; who I am.

Instead of telling us what happened in your MC's inner monologue, show us this incident. Show us her asking Arny out so that way we can get inside her head and feel her nervousness, her feelings for him. Let us feel how her heart breaks when Arny turns her down for his friend. When you slow down your story and take the time to describe the feelings and thoughts in detail, it creates a bond between the reader and the character. That bond is what will keep someone reading and make them care about what happens to your character.

For instance, I don't know why I should care that Paige and Arny are together. The words you use tell me that it's important and romantic that they are together, but since I have no details about either of them to make me care, them being together doesn't mean anything to me as the reader.

Dialogue:

Your dialogue is very stilted and unnatural.

" Why did you?" I add in. He begins flying forward. It's incredible. " I was looking for you." He sais quietly looking straight in front of him. " What do you mean? You should have called me." I say. "I couldn't. Thunderstorm. " He replies.

" You're really weird." I say looking down. I'm afraid of heights!! I panic. " Stop." He says getting a hold of my forearms. " Let me go, now!" I begin crying, but he barely notices. " What if I told you, our lives are darkness." I stop and listen as he carries me through the heavy air.

....

" I'm saying that life is our darkness and our hearts must over come it with light. There is a light and it's coming closer to the day." He sais.

" Are you speaking Shakespeare?" I ask.

This dialogue does nothing, really. It doesn't give us insight into the characters, nor does it forward the plot. Dialogue should do at least one of these things, or both at the same time.

If you want to use a Shakespeare reference, please use actual Shakespeare. A quote about good triumphing over evil, or morning finally coming would not be hard to find in the massive collection of his work. Since the reader knows that what Arny says is not Shakespeare, Paige asking if it is makes her seem extremely ignorant, which is probably not what you want her to be.

" Woman." The man sais running from the street. He has a casual tee and jeans on with converse. He looks about 25.

"Man...?" I say trying to figure out why he called me woman. I'm only fourteen years old.

This is another example of odd dialogue. This is Arny talking to her. Why would he call her "woman" when he knows her? It doesn't make sense. They've just gone through time travel, and she's confused. If he loves her, as I'm guessing he does, he would comfort her and calmly explain what has happened, not call her "woman" as if he were Tarzan.

Descriptions:

You use some descriptions that are very good, and some that are not so good.

The bushes behind the building were rustling leaves in circles as they skiied on the gravel.

This is nice. The image of the leaves skiiing on the gravel puts me in mind of those mini-cyclones that you see on a windy day. It definitely invokes a creepy vibe.

The idea was like frosty lips kissing the edge of my mind. Vengeance.

Also good. I like the sensory image this creates, but it does make it seem as though your MC enjoys the idea of vengeance. If that's not what you want, you should change it to something less pleasant than "kissing". Personally, I think this is a chilling description that hints that Paige has a flair for the dramatic and is a little dark, which could make for very cool character development.

" Woman." The man sais running from the street. He has a casual tee and jeans on with converse. He looks about 25.

This description is awkward. The fact that this man is wearing a casual T-shirt with some jeans and specifically Converse sneakers is not at all essential to the story or what's happening at that moment. Describing what age he seems to be is fine, but detailing his outfit is unnecessary.

I could see every detail on his face.

What details? Don't just tell us that she saw them...show us what he looks like!

Logic Loopholes:

Who knew it would rain? The forecaster said it would just be cold all day.

It's spring in Seattle. Everyone plans for rain in Seattle, especially in spring and winter. Like Dreamer said, it's common knowledge that Seattle is really rainy. Your MC not knowing that it might rain makes it seem as if she doesn't really live there, is new there, or is just ignorant.

A meteor crashed to Earth. That is what shaked me. I wonder if anyone else felt it, outside this area.

A) how did she know it was a meteor? B) if it landed that close and was that big, a LOT of people would have felt it C) "shaked" should be "shook", "is" should be "was"--> 'That was what shook me.'

It really must've been a little star.

Unless your world has a different universal/chemical makeup, a meteor is not a star. A meteor is a chunk of rock matter that collides with a planet or its atmosphere. A star is a massive ball of super-dense gasses, like our Sun. Even a small star is huge and could not just land on Earth. If in your world, stars are different than this, you need to let us know that.

It's a dream. I thought that 78 times.

78 times? Did she count? This is very random and completely emotionless. She should be panicking! Where is she? How did she get here? Who is this man who's holding her as if he's known her forever? What is going on? PANIC! Let her panic!

" I am dreaming, Arny!!! I'm dreaming. Nothing ever happens like this! I'm scared and I feel alone and knowing that I'm alone makes me know that I'm dreaming in a world that never goes away."

You should not use emoticons/smilies in narrative fiction. If she is upset, use descriptions of her feelings and her dialogue to show us that she's upset. You do this a little in this sentence, but then resort to the emoticon to convey the rest, and that's a bad habit of internetland.

Now, I know what my mother must have felt like being kissed suprisingly by someone she really liked and didn't know what to say to.

Umm...what? This is a very clunky description, and it doesn't convey any meaning to us about Paige or how she feels being kissed by the man she loves. If we had more background information about Paige, and about her family, a description like "Now I finally knew what it must have been like the first time Dad kissed Mom". This would be adorable and romantic if we knew that Paige's parents were deeply in love or had been childhood sweethearts. If Paige and her mother had talked about Paige's crush on Arny before, this would be extremely cute. However, the way it's written now is a little...weird. Who thinks about their mother when their major crush kisses them without warning in a very romantic way?

Summary as I See It:

This takes place in the real world, but your MC (Paige) has the supernatural ability to disappear for reasons unknown. She is angry at Arny, a friend she has a crush on because he turned her down for another girl. A meteor falls to earth...for reasons unknown. Arny is also supernatural for reasons unknown.The world is in danger from Arador (a person/place/thing unknown) for reasons unknown. The fate of the world rests on Arny and Paige. Arny causes them to time jump into the future for reasons unknown. They must go to Arador

What you have here is the potential for a plot. It seems like you aren't quite sure where the story is going just yet. More importantly, it also seems like you aren't sure who your characters are. Before you write any more on this, you need to clear up all those "reasons unknown" bits that I've put in bold. That doesn't mean you have to explain everything right away. It's good to have a bit of mystery, since it keeps the reader reading.

Paige's powers of invisibility for example: We at least need to know Paige's theory of why she has her powers. Is she magic in some way? Is it a genetic thing? Can her family do it, too? Why must she keep it secret? These are some of the main questions you need to answer just about Paige before you move on.

One thing I'd like to say is that I don't like the tense, but that's just my opinion. As far as the story, it was very hard to follow. After the episode at the drug store, the story gets choppy and disjointed, and the characters don't talk to each other in a more normal way.

"You have to come with me to Aradon." he said. What was Aradon? Why was he talking to me after he told me "no" to my request at school?

for example, after this part there is a long break before your MC starts talking again, and the whole time I'm reading this I'm wondering why she- a girl who is confused and panicking- isn't asking questions or demanding explanations, etc.
Also- a few points about dialog.

" Not what I meant," he says. I feel embarrassed.

Dialogue isn't a full sentence means the name or pronoun or whatever after should be lower case- it's only one sentence. Here's another example you do a lot:

'Give it to me, please," he asks.

Dialogue should always be tabbed, as well. if it's not, the reader thinks it's still the same person speaking.

"You're really weird," I say, looking down.

Also a lack of comas makes it choppier.
some more nitpicking- I'm sure it's a typo, but you have sais several times- it's says. The whole y stays y when behind a vowel blah blah blah.

I do like the idea of your characters having special powers and all that, but I got confused about Arny. Your MC talks about him being a flyer, then Arny talks about attracting light. ??? maybe you planned on revealing an explanation later, I don't know.
Sorry if I seem harsh, just trying to help. Good luck!