Zekkou - Chapter One

It was a hot evening. The air was warm where they were, cramped up within the trees of this elaborate, wealthy place. It congested around them in their large group, and caused sweat to soak their bodies and their voices filled the rest of the space with complaints for comfort. But Arion wasn’t going to relent because this was more important, too important; and the sweat didn’t bother him. His hair matted against his face, turquoise thickets like varicose veins; he just wiped the sweat from his brow with narrowed, serious eyes and kept crouched low among the trees.

Anytime now.

His eyes flickered back to his group, the bunch of them spaced as far away from each other as they could manage, warm and irritable and slumped against themselves. They’d only have to last a little longer until they could break from this place. When Arion’s sight swung forward, he caught view of their target: that gleaming brick mansion encircled by monstrous iron gates, weed vines, and the strong stench of spice flowers.

That was the crux of his plans.

-----

Sonya glanced up at the clock just as Mrs. Valentine did, with eyes like greyed saucer plates. She was getting nervous, just a little; her insides were knotting up like yarn and leaving a sickish feeling in her gut, and she wasn’t quite sure why. She wouldn’t be the one who would get in trouble, and she had more important things to worry about, but the tension was so heavy, she could feel it forcing itself down her throat like thick, hot oil.

So her hands wrung into Gabriel’s scalp as she brushed his hair a little harder, her mind trying to focus, to just – keep – focu –

“Sonya!”

Her hands jerked away, the brush dropping to the floor with a loud, woody clatter. She looked to him, her eyes still ballooned and anxious. Strands of pink hair remained twined around her fingers, looking more like fine thread.

“Sorry, Master.”

Gabriel’s frown quivered and softened, and he turned away from Sonya as his fingers rose to his mouth. “Yeah, it’s fine. Just stop.”

She felt so embarrassed suddenly, so she bowed her head low, her dark hair making a thick curtain around her face to hide the redness staining across her cheeks. The tightness in her insides wrenched around inside and screwed up together into a hard knot. She should have been more careful; she should have paid more attention; she shouldn’t have gotten distra –

“What is taking her so long?”

Then it happened all over again. Sonya jerked up to find Mrs. Valentine storming upstairs, knuckles clenched white upon the banister and her face crinkling with something ominous.


This is only an excerpt for what will probably be an epic-length story that'll be posted on a joint account. I really don't like where this is going, so please rip it apart. <3 Thanks!

"She should have been more careful; she should have paid more attention; she shouldn’t have gotten distra –"

I don't think you should use semicolons as much as you have in this sentence. Try commas.


That is all I found wrong with your piece here. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling wise. I'm working at getting better with in-depth reviews. But anything helps, eh?

... ok, so I had like no idea what was going on in the least. Since this is excerpt: that's ok. I was just reading the words, images flashing through my mind as I scrambled to put the pieces together and figure out where I was and what was going on. It might just be me, but by the end, I still had no idea who anybody was and what the heck was going on. Perhaps it was better explained in a previous part of your story, you know; an introduction to the characters and their situations. So, I'm starting to sound like a broken record and this is probably a review you didn't want, but since I've let you know how I feel about it I'll give you some suggestions before leaving.

1.)Who? Introduce your characters to us, we don't need an info dump necessarily, perhaps even one or two sentences would do. Just don't throw a character at us and leave us wondering what happened. So I think their were three characters in the second part of the story, but I had no idea who they were other than names.

2.) Where? Again, introduce us to the setting of your scene. It'll make for an easier flowing story to read.

3.) What? Ok, what in the world is going on? At least give us a hint* What's happening that Sonya so nervous? What is she doing with someone else's hair? Or was it her's?

Ok, that's enough for now. I hope I haven't discouraged you. You have the base of an awesome story. Even though I was stumbling around trying to picture everything, I steel felt the two main characters and their thoughts and feelings. You were awesome at describing emotions and feelings.

If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

~Dakota

Hey! I agree with the opening above comment, in that the storyline is unclear and the characters are a mystery. But I liked this about your extract - as well as it being concise, so my poor tired head is not befaddled by lots of information I can't quite put together - since I think it works, and this is why: somehow I get the impression that even though you're not telling us much about your characters and plotline, you know what's going on quite well. This is an important concept (that I myself am only just grasping!) and you have nailed it with your characters, it seems (if not completely with your plotline, judging by your final comment!).

OK, to things I noticed in particular:

It congested around them in their large group, and caused sweat to soak their bodies and their voices filled the rest of the space with complaints for comfort.

Something about this sentence feels... awkward, and not as smooth as the rest of your piece. It seems like it could work better if you split it into two sentences, maybe like this: "It congested around them in their large group, causing sweat to soak their bodies; their complaints for comfort filled the rest of the space." By using the semi-colon, they're still linked but separate.

But Arion wasn’t going to relent because this was more important, too important; and the sweat didn’t bother him. His hair matted against his face, turquoise thickets like varicose veins; he just wiped the sweat from his brow with narrowed, serious eyes and kept crouched low among the trees.

I love the words you use here! And I also like the idea of funky hair colours. Just the phrasing in this section again feels like it could run more smoothly. Might I suggest: "But Arion wasn't going to relent because this was more important - too important for small trivialities to divert him. The sweat that so aggravated the others did not bother him, even though his hair matted against his face, in turquoise thickets like varicose veins. He simply wiped the sweat from his brow, continued to stare with narrowed, serious eyes and kept crouched low among the trees." I know that's not all that brilliant, but I hope you get the idea behind the madness - because I also wanted to say that "he just wiped the sweat from his brow with narrowed, serious eyes..." seemed a bit odd... can he wipe his face with his eyes?!

So her hands wrung into Gabriel’s scalp as she brushed his hair a little harder, her mind trying to focus, to just – keep – focu –

Just a little thing, so easily done: you split your infinitive here: "to just - keep..." See, 'to keep' is the infinitive of the verb, so in theory you're not supposed to put an adverb between the 'to' and the 'keep'. I know people do it aall the time (to boldly go, e.g.), so don't worry - just a little something to think about.


Overall: I really liked this, and I especially enjoyed your comparisons, since you've used them wonderfully. They're interesting and realistic. Fabulous.
In your little comment at the end, you say you don't like where this is going. I know that feeling! Might I suggest spending some time with a notepad and pen, and just letting your mind wander. This works especially well outside or just in peace and quiet, and I've found that in that situation plotlines and stories just 'show' themselves to me. Hope that helps! Good luck continuing!
~*cottonrulz*~

Hey there, I'm KJ. Overall I enjoyed your piece, but I did find a couple nitpicks:

It was a hot evening. The air was warm where they were, cramped up within the trees of this elaborate, wealthy place. It congested around them in their large group, and caused sweat to soak their bodies and their voices filled the rest of the space with complaints for comfort.

As a beginning, this is vey frusterating. As shown, you mention this 'they' several times, but we have no idea who 'they' are, what 'they' look like, or what 'their' purpose is. Granted, you can't tell us all of this in the first paragraph, but I'd like to see you find some other way to begin this so we're not dangling as we are.

But Arion wasn’t going to relent because this was more important, too important; and the sweat didn’t bother him.

You use the good 'ol semi-colon often. Too often, I think. Try to cut back on that.

And that's all for nitpicks. It was short, but as I said, I liked it. There's a good tone set, and I'm interesting to see where this is going. Keep writing.

KJ

Ok, overall i liked it, but...
1. No character descriptions or introductions
2. No reference to plot at all, i had no idea what was goin on, except they were planning something
3. in the second paragraph

warm and irritable and slumped against themselves

shouldn't this be a comma? i read it out loud and it sounded unnatural
4. just some simple spelling mistakes and such

like i said, it was good, needs more description and detail paid to characters though


-Giraffe

Hey there Eddykins. Just dropping by.

So I think you have a potential plot here. The biggest problem that I have with this comes down to the clarity of the piece.

Firstly, you might want to consider cleaning up the opening descriptions of the piece. It's a little bit muddled.

But onto the main point: What exactly is the crux in the plan? It's pretty much your "hook", but since you don't reveal it, the whole piece reads kind of random. What's the point of describing a group of friends lying under a tree in some rich place if it has no context? Why show that Sonya is nervous if there doesn't seem to be a reason for it?

You have to integrate your "hook" into these situations if we are to have a strong idea as to what's happening.

Andy.

Alright, so I thought you did an excellent job with description here. You painted a very clear picture in my mind. I also liked the fact that you threw the reader into the situation without providing a "grocery list" of description and backstory. This makes me want to keep reading, and it was these things that made me enjoy your story. Overall, a very good story.

It was a hot evening. The air was warm where they were, cramped up within the trees of this elaborate, wealthy place. It congested around them in their large group, and caused sweat to soak their bodies and their voices filled the rest of the space with complaints for comfort. But Arion wasn’t going to relent because this was more important, too important; and the sweat didn’t bother him. His hair matted against his face, turquoise thickets like varicose veins; he just wiped the sweat from his brow with narrowed, serious eyes and kept crouched low among the trees.



Here you are cramming big words into places where they don’t exactly fit.
It was a hot evening. The air was especially warm and sticky where they were- cramped close together in the darkness underneath elaborate trees. The smell of sweat and anticipation hung in the air, along with the voices of his comrades as they whined their complaints for comfort.
Arion wasn’t going to concede to their gripes and bellaches; he had more important things to worry about. His eyes narrowed as he concentrated, swiping his damp, sweat-matted hair from his face.
Anytime now.



Anytime now.
His eyes flickered back to his group, the bunch of them spaced as far away from each other as they could manage, warm and irritable and slumped against themselves. They’d only have to last a little longer until they could break from this place. When Arion’s sight swung forward, he caught view of their target: that gleaming brick mansion encircled by monstrous iron gates, weed vines, and the strong stench of spice flowers.
That was the crux of his plans.


He stole another glance back the men; they were irritable with the heat and spaced as far away from each other as possible. They would only have to stay a little longer, and then they could break from this place. Arion swung his head back as he finally got a glimpse of their target; a gleaming brick mansion encircled by monsterous iron gates and weed vines. The distinctive smell of spice flowers was brought to his nose.


-----
Sonya glanced up at the clock just as Mrs. Valentine did, with eyes like greyed saucer plates. She was getting nervous, just a little; her insides were knotting up like yarn and leaving a sickish feeling in her gut, and she wasn’t quite sure why. She wouldn’t be the one who would get in trouble, and she had more important things to worry about, but the tension was so heavy, she could feel it forcing itself down her throat like thick, hot oil.


A panicky Sonya glanced up at the clock for the billionth time that hour with anxious, wide eyes. She was nervous, and had no idea why; she wasn’t the one who would be getting in trouble, but the tension was so heavy she couldn’t stop herself from thinking about it. It felt like she was jumped up on caffeine or had eaten a dozen butterflies.
‘knotting up like yarn’ doesn’t sound right. ‘knotted yarn’ might work, but yarn in itself isn’t exactly knotted. Do you get what I mean? Also, ‘tension’ doesn’t relate to ‘thick, hot oil down your throat’. That’s more like pain or uncomfortable or I don’t know it doesn’t make much sense to me.


So her hands wrung into Gabriel’s scalp as she brushed his hair a little harder, her mind trying to focus, to just – keep – focu –
“Sonya!”
Her hands jerked away, the brush dropping to the floor with a loud, woody clatter. She looked to him, her eyes still ballooned and anxious. Strands of pink hair remained twined around her fingers, looking more like fine thread.


Her hands jerked away from his head in surprise and the brush dropped to the floor with a loud, woody clatter. Her apprehensive eyes looked to him, ballooned and anxious. Strands of pink hair (whose? Her’s or Gabriel’s?) were twined around her nimble fingers.



“Sorry, Master.”


“Sorry, Master.” She apologized, frightened.


Gabriel’s frown quivered and softened, and he turned away from Sonya as his fingers rose to his mouth. “Yeah, it’s fine. Just stop.”


Gabriel’s frown softened, tuning away from Sonya as his fingers rose to his mouth, “Yeah, it’s fine. Just stop.”



She felt so embarrassed suddenly, so she bowed her head low, her dark hair making a thick curtain around her face to hide the redness staining across her cheeks. The tightness in her insides wrenched around inside and screwed up together into a hard knot. She should have been more careful; she should have paid more attention; she shouldn’t have gotten distra –



Her face heated with embarrassment as she bowed her head low, her dark hair making a thick curtain around her face to hide the redness forming in her cheeks. Something in her stomach took hold of the knot and wrenched it tighter.
“What is taking her so long?” said a shrill and irritated voice.


“What is taking her so long?”
Then it happened all over again. Sonya jerked up to find Mrs. Valentine storming upstairs, knuckles clenched white upon the banister and her face crinkling with something ominous.


Sonya’s head jerked up from her bow to see Mrs. Valentine storming upstairs, her pudgy face crinkled with annoyance.



This is only an excerpt for what will probably be an epic-length story that'll be posted on a joint account. I really don't like where this is going, so please rip it apart. <3 Thanks!


I usually have a hard time explaining what I mean when I am critiquing so I end up going back and making little changes and suggestions as I go along. I hope you didn’t find them confusing 
You do a lot of things well- like showing us the character’s emotions. However I think you would do a better job of this if you used adjectives that fit a little more. Some things don’t really make sense- although I did understand what you were trying to say, I get a little distracted because of the misplaced words.
I didn’t really have much of an idea what was going on, but that is usually fine for the first part of a story. I would much rather have a complete mystery at the beginning than giant info dumps (which I hate hate hate!!) which I am SO happy you didn’t do. I’m not completely sure how you would go about giving a better introduction since I still don’t know what this is about, so I’ll leave that up to you. 
So, besides that, well done! I enjoyed reading your story. Any questions, give me a PM.

Hmm...rip it apart, huh? You shouldn't have said that, not to an explicator-in-training!

But on a more serious note, I like this. Completely. I like the style, the setting, the introduction. And using run-on, overly descriptive, informal sentences made it feel as if you were actually the character, that those were your own thoughts. And alternating characters before completing the focus keeps our attention, makes us want more.

Good job. Keep it up.