Leia's Gift (Maybe Part One)

My deepest fear is losing my ability, my ability to summon my friends...The Fairies .


I was six when I first called upon one.

My father was in one of his drunken rages and my mother was the only one around to receive most of the hatred.

I hid were I always hide, in the attic silently letting my tears drop. Back then my mother was my only protection from anything in the world, until that faithful night in that cold dusty attic when i met Doron my gift.




She came out of light a beautiful blast of light that seemed to hold all my dream in it, because in that light I saw happiness and laughter and pure joy all in one place just waiting for me to come and relish in it.

the light left as quick as it came leaving me and my sad reality. Then suddenly I heard it a small voice call my name" Leia...oh Leia."

"wh...who...who's there" I replied

[i]"Don't be afraid Leia I won't hurt you little changeling"[i]

then suddenly a small figure stepped from behind our Christmas decorations.

At the age of six she barely came up to my knee but she was beautiful, she wore a white tunic with a

gold band clasped around her waist and her, golden brown hair flowed freely down her back,

her skin seemed to be pale and toned at the same time giving her a glowing aura

she looked at me and smiled [i]" beautiful Leia...don't worry I won't let anything hurt you"









[b]Okay so this is something i wrote in a burst of inspiration I kinda like it but I think I should try a different angle give me your opinions and tell me what you think>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>and please if you see it correct my grammar i love it when you do

Hai!

First off, I don’t get why you bolded some parts and meant to italicise others?

I hid were I always hide, in the attic silently letting my tears drop. Back then my mother was my only protection from anything in the world, until that faithful night in that cold dusty attic when i met Doron my gift.

Quite a few mistakes here:

“Were” should be “where”
You switch tenses with “hide” – should be, “I hid where I always hid” or reword to something like, “I always hid in the attic” to avoid repetition.
“Faithful” = “fateful”?
That “i” should be capitalised.

I’m confused. Her gift is called Doron? I thought her gift was an ability to call fairies?

She came out of light a beautiful blast of light that seemed to hold all my dream in it, because in that light I saw happiness and laughter and pure joy all in one place just waiting for me to come and relish in it.

Very long sentence. Split it up and put some punctuation in there. Perhaps like, “She came out of a blast of light. It was a beautiful light that seemed to hold all my dreams inside its white glow. I saw happiness and laughter and pure joy all in one place, just waiting for me to come and relish it.” Makes it easier to read, see?

the light left as quick as it came leaving me and my sad reality. Then suddenly I heard it a small voice call my name" Leia...oh Leia."

Capitalise the “t” on “the” as it’s beginning a new sentence. Again, lack of punctuation. Sentence should be something like, “The light left as quick as it came, leaving me alone with my sad reality. Then suddenly, I heard it: a small voice calling my name. “Leia… oh, Leia.”

At the age of six she barely came up to my knee but she was beautiful, she wore a white tunic with a

gold band clasped around her waist and her, golden brown hair flowed freely down her back,

her skin seemed to be pale and toned at the same time giving her a glowing aura

she looked at me and smiled [i]" beautiful Leia...don't worry I won't let anything hurt you"

No punctuation! And why the weird spacing and italics and bolding? You don’t need any of that. Reword and punctuate so it’s something like, “She barely came up to my knee, but she was beautiful, with golden brown hair flowing freely down her back. Her skin seemed to be pale and toned at the same time, giving her a glowing aura. She wore a white tunic with a gold band clasped around her waist.” By lumping similar pieces of description together, you make the descriptions smoother. I took out the bit about her age because it got in the way a bit. Mentioning her age earlier on would help set the scene better as well.


––

So! I kind of like the idea, except little girls being able to speak to fairies is a bit old. Try a little boy who loves soldiers and Action Man and I’d be more interested.

You do need lots more punctuation, and try to vary the length of your sentences. Short sentences have different impact from long sentences, so use that to your advantage. Also, description. There’s almost no description in this, so we don’t get a very clear picture of Leia’s surroundings. You should at least describe the attic more than saying it was cold and dusty.

PM me if you have any questions!

OKay, so i had a quick skim, and I feel that I need to know more about your character. You are explaining it to us, in a way that makes everything seem unimportant. You should elaborate, and make the story moer descriptive.
Start off as if you were in the moment; I don't actually know what your dad is doing, does he punch walls, throw plates, shout and screem a lot? While you are in the attic, you should tell us what is going on downstairs.
Draw the chapter out a bit more - everything heppens so fast! If you are going to make this into a book, then what you have written should be twice as long, maybe treble!
Put your-self into the scene, and write what happens to you! Be descriptive - tell us about the musty smell, and the rippling of the tears in the dusty floor. Is the attic filled with junk? What are you sitting on? TELL US MORE!

-Hope I helped!

alright this is good i suggest you keep the story line but simply add to it describe the characters more be a bit more descriptive and as TL G-Wooster said hide should be hid and were should be where really these are common small errors so don't feel bad and personally i have had spurts of inspiration like this to write so you are not the only one believe me describe everything a bit more and then continue the story. if you get stuck msg me and i would be more than happy to help. thanks for posting i love fairies.xD
great story other than thsoe few things i like this.
keep writing,
Celticmusicgirl

I liked the story but there were some errors.

I would suggest going over it and watching mainly for punctuation, you were missing some capitals and a few comma's. I also saw a spelling error.

Keep working on it though. It has potential.

~Tayla

Hey there Villain

So, I went through your portfolio to find something to review, and as this was the longest I decided to review it. I'm going to go through it line by line, pointing out possible ways to improve what you have and several things that need some work to solidify.

My deepest fear is losing my ability, my ability to summon my friends...The Fairies .

Let's start by stressing the importance of utilizing the appropriate speech marks in the right places. The first thing that I want to do is suggest that you keep your story in the same font. Not emboldened or italicized. You can italicize words that you want to stress on the rare occasion that they really need to be stressed. You can also use italics to represent thoughts if you need to. As far as the ellipsis goes (...), use it only to indicate suspense or incompletion. There is never a time that you should use it over a comma when the comma would suffice.

I was six when I first called upon one.

This is very nice. You introduce us to the point in time that you are going to describe now effectively and efficiently.

My father was in one of his drunken rages and my mother was the only one around to receive most of the hatred.

To describe emotions accurately is one of the most important things to do when writing a story. Words such as "hatred" are strong. Certainly words such as "anger" or "wrath" suit the tone of a rage better than hatred would. You also might want to tie the emotion down directly to your father by switching "the hatred" to "his anger". Start noticing how small things like this can affect the entire tone of your story, and you can subtly change a mood by manipulating a couple of words.

Something that might add a nice touch to your tale would be to let us know that you've gone back to the past. Do this by switching your tense from past to past-perfect. Just for this sentence, you could alter "My father was" and "my mother was", to "My father had been" and my mother "had been". This emphasizes that what you are going to account is a memory.

Also, to pull us into your story more strongly, you could actually call your father "Father", and your mother, "Mother". This allows you as the narrator to get more personal with your audience. You feel you know them well enough to refer to people as you would in real life. This tool is a great one to use when it comes to making us feel your character and writing in the first person.

I hid were I always hide, in the attic silently letting my tears drop.

It should be "where I always hide". Perhaphs a colon would suit you better here than a comma as you are explaining the first part of the sentence with the second. Also, I would suggest that you elaborate on the image of your tears. Remember, we like to see something. Try show us what you see when you look back to the scene. Use some other senses such as tasting the saltiness or hearing screaming that disturbed you. We need to feel your position to connect with you as a character.

Back then my mother was my only protection from anything in the world, until that faithful night in that cold dusty attic when i met Doron my gift.

Here you would do well to elaborate what exactly it is that you're talking about when you suggest protection. Tell us some of the dangers and shorten the sentences somewhat to build us up to your meeting "Doron". I like the name by the way. It suits her as she's your gift. A climax should amaze us and make us feel something. Elaborate on what Doron would do for you and how she would protect you.

She came out of light a beautiful blast of light that seemed to hold all my dream in it, because in that light I saw happiness and laughter and pure joy all in one place just waiting for me to come and relish in it.

It seemed to hold your dream in it? Perhaps you meant "all you dreamed about". Be specific whenever you can. Also, if you shorten each sentence and describe each emotion separately you can engross us in your story far more effectively. The length of your sentences is one of those things that I find a little confusing for the reader, and certain grammatical errors emerge because of it as well.

the light left as quick as it came leaving me and my sad reality.

*quickly. Also, don't tell us how the light behaved. Tell us how you responded. Shift the subject of the story back to yourself because you are telling your own story. The reader needs to know how each event that you describe impacts us if you want to attain maximum effect.

Then suddenly I heard it a small voice call my name" Leia...oh Leia."

You heard "it a small voice" call your name? You could have heard "it" call your name "in a small voice." Remember, write each sentence out properly, and ensure that each word gels with the piece as a whole. Also, I can't help but find your ellipses out of place. I further can't imagine the voice calling your name like that if it were right next to you. Perhaps just tell us that you were shocked at the sudden whisper of your name.

"wh...who...who's there" I replied

Dialogue is one place that you want a reader to read through. It's a place that you want to create a sense of reality, but you don't want your reader to read stutters as it irritates the eye to do so. What one should do in such a situation is to add a dialogue tag that explains how the words were said. In other words you could say here: "Who's there?" A stutter was audible in my voice. The same goes for accents and other such dialogue pieces that would irritate the eye. You want your reader to be so absorbed in your story that they don't even notice they're reading. As soon as we have funny appearing words or sentence structures, you shatter this illusion.

[i]"Don't be afraid Leia I won't hurt you little changeling"[i]

Break up your sentences as they should be broken up. What's a changeling? I didn't quite get that.

then suddenly a small figure stepped from behind our Christmas decorations.

You tend to use a "then suddenly" combo fairly frequently. I'd try to stick to one or the other, or you could find another way to put it. It's just getting a little repetitive. Also, to show progression you don't need to use words like "then" all the time. You can simply tell us what happened, and let us assume that it followed the event that happened before.

At the age of six she barely came up to my knee but she was beautiful, she wore a white tunic with a gold band clasped around her waist and her, golden brown hair flowed freely down her back, her skin seemed to be pale and toned at the same time giving her a glowing aura she looked at me and smiled [i]" beautiful Leia...don't worry I won't let anything hurt you"

Who was six, you or her? This is ambiguous, and you want to avoid ambiguities at all costs. I love your description here once again, but I advise breaking this up into sentences in any case.

Characters: I think we've been shown into the mind of your narrator as best we might be at this early stage. In fact given such a short piece I'm astounded how much personality you managed to fit in. I do hope that you continue to add more layers onto them in the future. In fact to get test who your characters truly are, let them suffer. We need to see how they deal with tragedy. Part of what made your character real for me was Leia's hiding from her father to salvage herself. Of course as she grows up she will respond differently and you need to show us how her responses would change.

On Prose: I did quite enjoy the tone of your story. To improve it further, I'd do the following: 1) Shorten sentences; 2) Remember to use the right punctuation in the right place. This includes capitalizing first sentences and adding necessary commas. 3) Try to establish your sentences in such a way that you have to say the word, "then", all the time.

On Dialogue: Try to say dialogue out loud before you write it. This ensures that it will be credible. Try eavesdropping on other peoples' conversations so you can get an idea of how people speak and maximize your dialogue for your story. Also, remember that when the dialogue would be hard on the reader's eye because of an accent or repetition, rather tell us his voice was accented or his content repeated or stuttered than to give us his abnormalities of speech inside the actual dialogue.

:arrow; On Description: When describing try to describe exactly what you would have felt. Use your senses to tell you how you would have been impacted by the event, and focus on that rather than physical details. It's these attributes that bring a first person narrator to life more than anything. Exploit this privilege that you have because you're writing in the first person wherever you can.

Overall: I really think that this story has great potential. Try making each sentence more specific and it'll be a real great pleasure to read. I've tried to point out everything that I think could improve in your story, and I would really like to see what you end up doing with this piece. You've sparked my interest, and I would certainly keep reading.

Have a great one!

Hi. I'm here to review as you can see.
The first thing I saw when I looked at this was how some parts were bolded or italicized for no apparent reason. I liked the setting even though it was a little cliche. Another thing I noticed was when you said: hid were I always hide, it sounded a little repetitive maybe you could change one of those. You could also describe where she was more. Like how the spiders crawled over her skin and a whimper tickled her lips or something like that.
I hope I was helpful.