Soulless [Chapter Three, Part 2]

Thanks to everyone who posted comments on previous posts! Your comments are greatly appreciated and helped immensely!

Hello! Basket here! Thanks so much for PMming me! Really! I couldn't wait for this part to come out and I'm glad it came out so fast.
So, same reviewing technique as before, mkayy? Lets get started!

He laid on top of me with my body

I'm not so sure "laid" is the best word to describe it... I think I would use "landed" instead, since he kind of launched himself at her...
But, that's just me.

I nod slowly, terrified.

You switched to present tense here. Change "nod" to "nodded".

It was tall and sickly green – the color of Zac’s pocketknife before it grew into a scythe.

Its good that you use that reference, but only the author can picture the color perfectly. Everyone else has their own idea in their head to what color it is. Instead of referencing to Zac's scythe, pick a color that everyone knows of, like puke green, for example, or something like that.
If you wanted, I'm sure you could keep the reference to Zac's scythe in there, too, of course.

It was a high-pitched fusion of the feedback of a microphone and shrill screech of a piccolo.

Niiiiiice.
Very nice description here.

Its body was boney with little bits of rotting flesh, like a skeleton. Instead of hands, it had giant claws like a crab’s, and a scorpion’s tail with an oil slick black stinger. My eyes traced over the two wings of bare bone that emerged from its upper back, only a thin film of black clinging onto them.

Once again, nice description. I can picture the creature perfectly.

Two things happened at once. The thing whipped its arm out, shoving Adam into a tree with the back of its claw, and shot a gleaming, black arrow straight at me. It whistled through the air, and within seconds, lodged itself in my stomach with a sharp stab.

There was a bubbling in my torso that caused me to scream through gritted teeth and arch my back. I doubled over and clutched at nothing in particular for mercy.

I'm assuming these were the two things? Make sure you let the reader know. Say, "the first thing was blahblahblah". And then in the next paragraph, "the second, all of a sudden there was a bubbling blahblahblah."
Does that make sense? Hopefully it does...

I gasped and reached to touch her, ignoring the stab of pain my movement shot up my body.

What is she feeling here, seeing her mother all of a sudden? Happyness? Confusion? Gratitude?

its eyes vacant like my mothers’.

Ahh, I would add, "had been" after "mothers'". Personally.


Ahhhh... no fairrrrrrrrrr. You can't do that... Making me wait for more. Its no fair. (Glares) Cliff hangers shouldn't be allowed. Urgh.
Can you do me a favor and PM me when you get the next part up? Pretty please with sugar on top? You'd be the best person in the world. Like... ever.

Okay, now that the groveling is done...
I really, really liked this chapter. In all seriousness. You're a very good writer and you have talent. Major talent. Keep it up.
I enjoyed the description of the evil creatures, I felt like I could picture them perfectly.

Good job. You're getting a star for this one.
-Basket-

Something exploded from the trees with a loud noise.

I think "Something exploded from the trees" is sufficient enough. The rest is kind of pointless since explosions tend to be loud, so it's a given.

It had a cone shaped head with no eyes

Hyphen between "cone" and "shaped".

oil slick black stinger

I'm not completely sure, but I believe you need a hyphen between "oil" and "slick".

The beast tilted his head and perked its pointed ears, listening.

"Its" not "his". You haven't discerned a gender yet.

“Lying…lying…LIAR!”

Just to warn you, some people may condemn the fact that you used all capital letters for "liar", but don't worry. Even though a lot of people frown upon it (especially on this website, where people take such things as definite rules), it's actually not that bad. A lot of authors, some critically acclaimed, use all caps at times. Just be sure to not use it too much and all should be fine.

It lunged for Adam and clamped its claws together with a loud snap. I flinched and gasped, and it froze.

The last sentence is a little weird. I think the best way to do this, to perfectly accentuate what's happening and strike a chord with the reader, is to do it as so.

It lunged for Adam and clamped its claws together with a loud snap. I flinched and gasped.

The creature froze.

See what I did? First I turned the last sentence into two sentences. Then I started a new paragraph. Doing so makes a more dramatic statement with your writing, and you should definitely start integrating this kind of thing in your writing. It's amazing how simply starting a new paragraph can up the suspense and seriousness of a situation.

and shot a gleaming, black arrow straight at me.

Where did it shoot it from? It's tail? It's mouth?

but my answer was cut off when I saw my next stage of torture. My mother was standing before me, her arms open as if ready to embrace me, her face turned up into a welcoming grin.

The thing you did wrong here was that you immediately told us that her mother was an illusion of the arrow. Although we'd probably guess it on our own, it's best not to confirm it. This is mostly because you made her react as if it were real even though you've already told us it's not.

“Ronnie! Stop making noise!” Adam grunted, and I spotted him trying to hold back the demon in the corner of my eye. “The demon tracks you by the sounds you make.”

I feel like the last part about the demon tracking her by sound is a bit obvious, and doesn't need to be said. It's been strongly implied for a while now, and she seemed to understand earlier.

Another great one here. Keep it up! And now I'm going to stop telling you to PM me, okay? I still want you to, I'm just not going to remind you with every review, so just remember to PM me each time you post a new chapter, okay? See ya, then! Can't wait for the next part!